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HISTORY 

OF 

N E W Y O R K, 

FROM THE 

BEGINNING OF THE WORLD 

TO THE 

END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 



3 H \ 

tn3 



CONTAINING, 

AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, 

THE UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, 

THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, 

AND THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG, 

THE THREE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF NEW AMSTERDAM: 

Being the only authentic History of the Times that ever hath been published. 

'^Wv'^'-vi ■ 

BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER 

(author op THE SKETCH BOOK.) 



A NEW EDITION. 




2)e tDaatijeio Die in tiuisftet lag. 
Die Comt met ftaatbeio aan ocn Dag. 



LONDON : 
JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE- STREET. 

1820. 



F, 



IZZ 



I-]o^ 



By transfer 
D. of AOf- 
^0 27 '06 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 



Tt was sometime, if I recollect right, in the 
early part of the autumn of 1808, that a 
stranger applied for lodgings at the Inde- 
pendent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry-street, 
of which I am landlord. He was a small, 
brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty 
black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and 
a small cocked hat. He had a few gray hairs 
plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard 
seemed to be of some eight and forty hours 
growth. The only piece of finery which he 
bore about him was a bright pair of square 
silver shoe-buckles, and all his baggage was 
contained in a pair of saddle-bags, which he 
carried under his arm. His whole appearance 
was something out of the common run ; and 
my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once 
set him down for some eminent country school- 
master. 



VI ACCOUNT OF 

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a 
very small house, I was a little puzzled at first 
where to put him ; but my wife, who seemed 
taken with his looks, would needs put him in 
her best chamber, which is genteelly set off 
with the profiles of the whole family, done in 
black, by those two great painters, Jarvis and 
Wood ; and commands a very pleasant view of 
the new grounds on the Collect, together with 
the rear of the Poor-house and Bridewell, and 
the full front of the Hospital ; so that it is the 
cheerfullest room in the whole house. 

During the whole time that he stayed with 
us we found him a very worthy good sort of 
an old gentleman, though a little queer in his 
ways. He would keep in his room for days 
together, and if any of the children cried, or 
made a noise about his door, he would bounce 
out in a great passion, with his hands full of 
papers, and say something about " deranging 
his ideas ;" which made my wife believe some- 
times that he was not altogether co^npos. In- 
deed there was more than one reason to make 
her think so, for his room was always covered 
with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, 



THE AUTHOR. Vll 

lying about at sixes and sevens, which he 
would never let any body touch ; for he said 
he had laid them all away in their proper 
places, so that he might know where to find 
them ; though for that matter, he was half his 
time worrying about the house in search of 
some book or writing which he had carefully 
put out of the way. I shall never forget what a 
pother he once made, because my wife cleaned 
out his room when his back was turned, and 
put every thing to rights ; for he swore he 
would never be able to get his papers in order 
again in a twelvemonth. Upon this my wife 
ventured to ask him, what he did with so many 
books and papers ? and he told her, that he 
was " seeking for immortaUty ;" which made 
her think more than ever that the poor old 
gentleman's head was a Httle cracked. 

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not 
in his room was continually poking about town, 
hearing all the news, and prying into every 
thing that was going on : this was particularly 
the case about election time, when he did 
nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, 
attending all ward-meetings and committee- 



Vlll ACCOUNT OF 

rooms ; though I could never find that he 
took part with either side of the question. On 
the contrary, he would come home and rail at 
both parties with great wrath — and plainly 
proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife 
and three old ladies who were drinking tea 
with her, that the two parties were like two 
rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation ; 
and that in the end they would tear the very 
coat off its back, and expose its nakedness. In- 
deed he was an oracle among the neighbours, 
who would collect around him to hear him talk 
of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the 
bench before the door ; and I really believe 
he would have brought over the whole neigh- 
bourhood to his own side of the question, if 
they could ever have found out what it was. 

He was very much given to argue, or, as he 
called it, iMlosopMze, about the most trifling 
matter, and, to do him justice, I never knew 
any body that was a match for him, except it 
was a grave-looking gentleman who called now 
and then to see him, and often posed him in 
an argument. But this is nothing surprising, 
as I have since found out this stranger is the 



THE AUTHOR. IX 

city librarian, and of course must be a man 
of great learning ; and 1 liave my doubts if 
he had not some hand in the following history. 

As our lodger had been a long time with 
us, and we had never received any pay, my 
wife began to be somewhat uneasy, and curious 
to find out who and vvhat he was. She ac- 
cordingly made bold to put the question to 
his friend, the librarian, who repHed in his dry 
way that he was one of the literati; which she 
supposed to mean some new party in politics. 
I scorn to push a lodger for his pay, so I let 
day after day pass on without dunning the 
old gentleman for a farthing ; but my wife, 
who always takes these matters on herself, and 
is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at last 
got out of patience, and hinted that she 
thought it high time " some people should 
have a sight of some people's money." To 
which the old gentleman replied, in a mighty 
touchy manner, that she need not make herself 
uneasy, for that he had a treasure there 
(pointing to his saddle-bags) worth her whole 
house put together. This was the only answer 
we could ever get from him ; and as my wife. 



X ACCOUNT OF 

by some of those odd ways in which women 
find out every thing, learnt that he was of 
very great connexions, being related to the 
Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin- 
german to the Congress-man of that name, she 
did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is 
more, she even offered, merely by way of 
making things easy, to let him live scot-free, 
if he would teach the children their letters ; 
and to try her best and get the neighbours to 
send their children also: but the old gentle- 
man took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so 
affronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, 
that she never dared speak on the subject 
again. 

About two months ago, he went out of a 
morning, with a bundle in his hand — and has 
never been heard of since. All kinds of in- 
quiries were made after him, but in vain. I 
wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they 
sent for answer, that he had not been there 
since the year before last, when he had a great 
dispute with the Congress-man about politics, 
and left the place in a huff, and they had neither 
heard nor seen any thing of him from that time 



THE AUTHOR. XI 

to this. I must own I felt very much worried 
about the poor old gentleman, for I thought 
something bad must have happened to him, 
that he should be missing so long, and never 
return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised 
him in the newspapers, and though my me- 
lancholy advertisement was published by se- 
veral humane printers, yet I have never been 
able to learn any thing satisfactory about him. 

My wife now said it was high time to take 
care of ourselves, and see if he had left any 
thing behind in his room, that would pay us 
for his board and lodging. We found nothing, 
however, but some old books and musty writ- 
ings, and his saddle-bags ; which, being opened 
in the presence of the librarian, contained only 
a few articles of worn-out clothes, and a large 
bundle of blotted paper. On looking over 
this, the librarian told us, he had no doubt it 
was the treasure which the old gentleman had 
spoke about ; as it proved to be a most excel- 
lent and faithful history of nevv-york, which 
he advised us by all means to publish : assur- 
ing us that it would be so eagerly bought up 
by a discerning public, that he had no doubt 



Xll ACCOUNT OF 

it would be enough to pay our arrears ten 
times over. Upon this we got a very learned 
schoolmaster, who teaches our children, to 
prepare it for the press, which he accordingly 
has done ; and has, moreover, added to it a 
number of valuable notes of his own. 

This, therefore, is a true statement of my 
reasons for having this work printed, without 
waiting for the consent of the author : and I 
here declare, that if he ever returns (though 
I much fear some unhappy accident has be- 
fallen him), I stand ready to account with 
him hke a true and honest man. Which is 
all at present — 

From the public's humble servant, 

Seth Handaside. 

Independent Columbian Hotel, 
New-York. 



The foregoing account of the author was 
prefixed to the first edition of this work. 
Shortly after its publication a letter was re- 
ceived from him, by Mr. Handaside, dated 
at a small Dutch village on the banks of the 



THE AUTHOR. XHl 

Hudson, whither he had travelled for the 
purpose of inspecting certain ancient records. 
As this was one of those few and happy vil- 
lages into which newspapers never find their 
way, it is not a matter of surprise that Mr. 
Knickerbocker should never have seen the 
numerous advertisements that were made con- 
cerning him ; and that he should learn of the 
publication of his history by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its prema- 
ture appearance, as thereby he-was prevented 
from making several important corrections 
and alterations ; as well as from profiting by 
many curious hints which he had collected 
during his travels along the shores of the 
Tappan Sea, and his sojourn at Haverstraw. 
and Esopus. 

Finding that there was no longer any im- 
mediate necessity for his return to New- York, 
he extended his journey up to the rfefeidence 
of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his way 
thither, he stopped for some days at Albany, 
for which city he is known to have entertained 
a great partiality. He found it, however, 



XIV ACCOUNT or 

considerably altered, and was much concerned 
at the inroads and improvements which. the 
Yankees were making, and the consequent 
decline of the good old Dutch manners. In- 
deed he was informed that these intruders 
were making sad innovations in all parts of the 
state ; where they had given great trouble and 
vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the 
introduction of turnpike gates, and country 
schoolhouses. It is said also, that Mr. Knicker- 
bocker shook his head sorrowfully at no- 
ticing the gradual decay of the great Vander 
Hey den palace ; but was highly indignant at 
finding that the ancient Dutch church, which 
stood in the middle of the street, had been 
pulled down since his last visit. 

The fame of INIr. Knickerbocker's history 
having reached even to Albany, he received 
much flattering attention from its worthy 
burghers, some of whom, however, pointed out 
two or three very great errors he had fallen 
into, particularly that of suspending a lump of 
sugar over the Albany tea-tables, which, they 
assured him, had been discontinued for some 
years past. Several families, moreover, were 



THE AUTHOR. XV 

somewhat piqued that their ancestors had not 
been mentioned in his work, and showed great 
jealousy of their neighbours who had been 
thus distinguished ; while the latter, it must 
be confessed, plumed themselves vastly there- 
upon ; considering these recordings in the 
light of letters-patent of nobility, establishing 
their claims to ancestry — which, in this re- 
publican country, is a matter of no little soli- 
citude and vain-glory. 

It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour 
and countenance from the governor, who once 
asked him to dinner, and was seen two or three 
times to shake hands with him, when they 
met in the street ; which certainly was going 
great lengths, considering that they differed 
in politics. Indeed, certain of the governor's 
confidential friends, to whom he could venture 
to speak his mind freely on such matters, have 
assured us that he privately entertained a 
considerable good will for our author — nay, 
he even once went so far as to declare, and 
that openly too, and at his own table, just 
after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a very 
well meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no 



Xvi ACCOUNT OF 

fool." From all which many have been led to 
suppose, that had our author been of different 
pohtics, and written for the newspapers in- 
stead of wasting his talents on histories, he 
might have risen to some post of honour and 
profit : peradventure to be a notary-pubhc, or 
even a justice in the ten-pound court. 

Beside the honours and civilities already 
mentioned, he was much caressed by the lite- 
rati of Albany ; particularly by Mr. John Cook, 
who entertained him very hospitably at his 
circulating library and reading-room, where 
they used to drink Spa water, and talk about 
the ancients. He found Mr. Cook a man 
after his own heart — of great hterary research, 
and a curious collector of books. At parting, 
the latter, in testimony of friendship, made 
him a present of the two oldest works in liis 
collection ; which were the earhest edition of 
the Hiedelburgh Catechism, and Adrian Van- 
der Donck's famous account of the New Ne- 
therlands : by the last of which, Mr. Knicker- 
bocker profited greatly in this his second edi- 
tion. 



THE AUTHOR. XVH 

Having passed some time very agreeably at 
Albany, our author proceeded to Scaghtikoke ; 
where, it is but justice to say, he was received 
with open arms, and treated with wonderful 
loving-kindness. He was much looked up to 
by the family, being the first historian of the 
name ; and was considered almost as great a 
man as his cousin the Congress-man — with 
whom, by the by, he became perfectly recon- 
ciled, and contracted a strong friendship. 

In spite, however, of the kindness of his 
relations, and their great attention to his com- 
forts, the old gentleman soon became restless 
and discontented. His history being published, 
he had no longer any business to occupy his 
thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes 
and anticipations. This, to a busy mind like 
his, was a truly deplorable situation ; and, had 
he not been a man of inflexible morals and 
regular habits, there would have been great 
danger of his taking to politics, or drinking — 
both which pernicious vices we daily see men 
driven to by mere spleen and idleness. 

It is true he sometimes employed himself 

c 



XVlll ACCOUIST OF 

ill preparing a second edition of his liistory, 
wherein he endeavoured to correct and im- 
prove many passages with which he was dis- 
satisfied, and to rectify some mistakes that 
had crept into it ; for he was particularly 
anxious that his work should be noted for its 
authenticity — which, indeed, is the very life 
and soul of history. But the glow of com- 
position had departed — ^lie had to leave many 
places untouched which he would fain have 
altered ; and even where he did make altera- 
tions, he seemed always in doubt whether they 
were for the better or the worse. 

After a residence of some time at Scaghti- 
koke, he began to feel a strong desire to re- 
turn to New York, which he ever regarded 
with the warmest affection ; not merely be- 
cause it was his native city, but because he 
really considered it the very best city in the 
whole world. On his return, he entered into 
the full enjoyment of the advantages of a 
literary reputation. He was continually im- 
portuned to write advertisements, petitions, 
hand-bills, and productions of similar import ; 
and, although he never meddled with the 



THE AUTHOR. XIX 

public papers, yet had he the credit of writing 
innumerable essays and smart things, that 
appeared on all subjects, and all sides of the 
question ; in all which he was clearly detected 
" by his style." 

He contracted, moreover, a considerable 
debt at the post-office, in consequence of the 
numerous letters he received from authors 
and printers soliciting his subscription ; and 
he was applied to by every charitable society 
for yearly donations, which he gave very cheer- 
fully, considering these applications as so many 
compliments. He was once invited to a great 
corporation dinner ; and was even twice sum- 
moned to attend as a juryman at the court of 
quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned did 
he become, that \\e could no longer pry about, 
as formerly, in all holes and corners of the 
city, according to the bent of his humour, un- 
noticed and uninterrupted; but several times, 
when he has been sauntering the streets, on 
his usual rambles of observation, equipped 
with his cane and cocked hat, the little 
boys at play have been known to cry, " There 
goes Diedrich !" — at which the old gentleman 

c 2 



XX .ACCOUNT or 

seemed not a little pleased, looking upon these 
salutations in the light of the praises of pos- 
terity. 

In a word, if we take into consideration all 
these various honours and distinctions, to- 
gether with an exuberant eulogium passed 
on him in the Port Folio (with which, we are 
told, the old gentleman was so much over- 
powered, that he was sick for two or three 
days), it must be confessed that few authors 
have ever lived to receive such illustrious re- 
wards, or have so completely enjoyed in ad- 
vance their own immortahty. 

After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. 
Knickerbocker took up his residence at a 
little rural retreat, which the Stuyvesants had 
granted him on the family domain, in gratitude 
for his honourable mention of their ancestor. 
It was pleasantly situated on the borders of 
one of the salt marshes beyond Corlear's Hook: 
subject, indeed, to be occasionally overflowed, 
and much infested, in the summer time, with 
musquitoes ; but otherwise very agreeable, 
producing abundant crops of salt-grass and 
bull-rushes. 



THE AUTHOR. XXI 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old 
gentleman fell dangerously ill of a fever, occa- 
sioned by the neighbouring marshes. When 
he found his end approaching, he disposed of 
his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his for- 
tune to the New York Historical Society ; his 
Hiedelburgh Catechism, and Vander Donck's 
work, to the city library ; and his saddle-bags 
to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his ene- 
mies, — that is to say, all who bore any enmity 
towards him ; for as to himself, he declared 
he died in good will with all the world. And, 
after dictating several kind messages to his 
relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain 
of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he 
expired in the arms of his friend the hbrarian. 

His remains were interred, according to his 
own request, in St. Mark's churchyard, close 
by the bones of his favourite hero, Peter 
Stuyvesant ; and it is rumoured, that the His- 
torical Society have it in mind to erect a 
wooden monument to his memory in the 
Bowhng-Green. 



XXIV PREFACE. 

a little while, thought I, and those reverend 
Dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering 
monuments of good old times, will be gathered 
to their fathers ; their children, engrossed by 
the empty pleasures or insignificant trans- 
actions of the present age, will neglect to 
treasure up the recollections of the past, and 
posterity will search in vain for memorials 
of the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of 
our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and 
even the names and achievements of Wouter 
Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter Stuy- 
vesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, 
like those of Romulus and Eemus, of Charle- 
magne, king Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of 
Bologne. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible 
this threatened misfortune, I industriously 
set myself to work, to gather together all the 
fragments of our infant history which still 
existed, and, like my revered prototype, He- 
rodotus, where no written records could be 
found, I have endeavoured to continue the 
chain of history by well authenticated tra- 
ditions. 



i, PREFACE. XXV 

In this arduous undertaking, which has 
been the whole business of a long and solitary 
life, it is incredible the number of learned 
authors I have consulted ; and all to but little 
purpose. Strange as it may seem, though 
such multitudes of excellent works have been 
written about this country, there are none 
extant which give any full and satisfactory 
account of the early history of New York, or 
of its three first Dutch governors. I have, 
however, gained much valuable and curious 
matter from an el^orate manuscript written 
in exceeding pure and classic Low Dutch, ex- 
cepting a few errors in orthography, which 
was found in the archives of the Stuyvesant 
family. Many legends, letters, and other do- 
cuments, have I likewise gleaned in my re- 
searches among the family chests and lumber 
garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens ; and 
I have gathered a host of well authenticated 
traditions from divers excellent old ladies of 
my acquaintance, who requested that their 
names might not be mentioned. Nor must 
I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have 
been assisted by that admirable and praise- 
worthy institution, the New York Histo- 



XXVI PREFACE. 

RiCAL Society, to which I here pubhcly re- 
turn my sincere acknowledgments. 

In the conduct of this inestimable work I 
have adopted no individual model, but on the 
contrary have simply contented myself with 
combining and concentrating the excellencies 
of the most approved ancient historians. Like 
Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost im- 
partiality and the strictest adherence to truth 
throughout my history. I have enriched it, 
after the manner of Sallust, with various cha- 
racters of ancient worthies, drawn at full 
length and faithfully coloured. I have sea- 
soned it with profound political speculations 
Uke Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces 
of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused into 
the whole the dignity, the grandeur, and mag- 
nificence of Livy. 

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of 
numerous very learned and judicious critics, for 
indulging too frequently in the bold excursive 
manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to 
be candid, I have found it impossible always 
to resist the allurements of those pleasing 



PRErACE. XXVU 

episodes, which, hke flowery banks and fragrant 
bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian, 
and entice him to turn aside, and refresh him- 
self from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be 
found that I have always resumed my staff 
and addressed myself to my weary journey 
with renovated spirits, so that both my readers 
and myself have been benefited by the relaxa- 
tion. 

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish 
and uniform endeavour to rival Polybius him- 
self, in observing the requisite unity of His- 
tory, yet the loose and unconnected manner 
in which many of the facts herein recorded 
have come to hand rendered such an attempt 
extremely difficult. This difficulty was hke- 
wise increased by one of the grand objects 
contemplated in my work, which was to trace 
the rise of sundry customs and institutions in 
this best of cities, and to compare them, when 
in the germ of infancy, with what they are in 
the present old age of knowledge and im- 
provement. 

But the chief merit on which I value myself, 



XXVlll PREFACE. 

and found my hopes for future regard, is that 
faithful veracity with which I have compiled 
this invaluable little work ; carefully winnow- 
ing away the chaff of hypothesis, and discard- 
ing the tares of fable, which are too apt to 
spring up and choke the seeds of truth and 
wholesome knowledge. — Had I been anxious 
to captivate the superficial throng, who skim 
Hke swallows over the surface of hterature ; 
or had I been anxious to commend my writings 
to the pampered palates of literary epicures, 
I might have availed myself of the obscurity 
that overshadows the infant years of our city, 
to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. 
But I have scrupulously discarded many a 
pithy tale and marvellous adventure, whereby 
the drowsy ear of summer indolence might be 
enthralled ; jealously maintaining that fidelity, 
gravity, and dignity, which should ever distin- 
guish the historian. "For a writer of this 
class," observes an elegant critic, " must sus- 
tain the character of a wise man, writing for 
the instruction of posterity; one who has 
studied to inform himself well, who has pon- 
dered his subject with care, and addresses 
himself to our judgment rather than to our 
imagination." 



PREFACE. XXIX 

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned 
city, in having incidents worthy of sweUing 
the theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy 
is it in having such an historian as myself to 
relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities 
of themselves, and in fact, empires of themselves, 
are nothing without an historian. It is the 
patient narrator who records their prosperity 
as they rise — who blazons forth the splendor 
of their noontide meridian — who props their 
feeble memorials as they totter to decay — who 
gathers together their scattered fragments as 
they rot — and who piously, at length, collects 
their ashes into the mausoleum of his work, 
and rears a monument that will transmit their 
renown to all succeeding ages. 

What has been the fate of many fair cities 
of antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber 
the plains of Europe and Asia, and awaken 
the fruitless inquiry of the traveller ? — they 
have sunk into dust and silence — they have 
perished from remembrance for want of an 
historian ! The philanthropist may weep 
over their desolation — the poet may wander 
among their mouldering arches and broken 



XXXll PREFACE. 

cursor of them all, posted at the head of 
this host of literary worthies, with my book 
under my arm, and New York on my back, 
pressing forward, like a gallant commander, to 
honour and immortahty. 

Such are the vain-glorious imaginings that 
will now and then enter into the brain of the 
author — that irradiate, as with celestial light, 
his sohtary chamber, cheering his weary spirits, 
and animating him to persevere in his labours. 
And I have freely given utterance to these 
rhapsodies whenever they have occurred ; not 
I trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism, 
but merely that the reader may for once have 
an idea how an author thinks and feels while 
he is writing — a kind of knowledge very rare 
and curious, and much to be desired. 



COjNI^ENTS. 



Page 
Account of the author - - - v 

Address to the reader _ . _ xxxiii 

BOOK I. 

COMTAINIXG DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHI- 
LOSOPHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREA- 
TION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CON- 
NECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Chap. I. — Description of the World - - 33 

Chap. II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with 
a multitude of excellent theories, by which the crea- 
tion of a world is shown to be no such difficult mat- 
ter as common folk would imagine - - 41 

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noah, was 
shamefully nick-named ; and how he committed an 
unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With 
the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, 
and the discovery of America - - 52 

Chap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty Philosophers 
have had in peopling America — And how the Abo- 
rigines came to be begotten by accident — to the 
great relief and satisfaction of the Author - .60 

Chap. V. — In which the Author puts a mighty (jues- 
tion to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the 



CONTENTS 



Pa-b 



Moon — which not only delivers thousands of people 
from great embarrassment, but likewise concludes 
this introductory book - - - 68 

BOOK II. 

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PRO- 
VINCE OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 

Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a 
man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master 
Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country 
— and how he was magnificently rewarded by the 
munificence of their High Mightinesses - 88 

Chap. II. — Containing an account of a mighty Ark 
which floated, under the protection of St. Nicholas, 
from Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of the 
strange Animals therefrom — a great victory, and a 
description of the ancient village of Communipaw - 101 

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of making 
a bargain — together with the miraculous escape of a 
great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of cer- 
tain heroes of Communipaw - - • 109 

Chap. IV. — How the heroes of Communipaw voyaged 

to Hell-Gate, and how they were received there - 118 

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned 
somewhat wiser than they went — and how the sage 
Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he 
dreamed - - - - 131 

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and 

of the founding of the great city of New-Amsterdam 136 

Chap. VII. — How the city of New- Amsterdam Avaxed 

gj-eat, under the protection of Oloffe the Dreamer 14:5 



CONTENTS. 

Pdge 

BOOK III. 

iN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEH 
VAN TWILLER. 

Chap. T. — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his 
unparalleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable wis- 
dom in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and 
Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration of the 
public thereat - - - - 152 

Chap, II. — Containing some account of the grand 
council of New- Amsterdam, as also divers especial 
good philosophical reasons why an alderman should 
be fat — with other particulars touching the state of 
the province - - - - 16^ 

Chap. III. — How the town of New-Amsterdam arose 
out of mud, and came to be marvellously polished 
and polite — together with a picture of the manners 
of our great great grandfathers - - 1*74 

Chap. IV. — Containing further particulars of the 
Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and 
Gentleman in the days of Walter the Doubter - 183 

Chap. V. — In which the reader is beguiled into a de- 
lectable walk, which ends very differently from what 
it commenced - - - - 190 

Chap. VI. — Faithfully describing the ingenious people 
of Connecticut and thereabouts — Showing, more- 
over, the true meaning of liberty of conscience, and 
a curious device among these sturdy barbarians, to 
keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote po- 
pulation - - - - 196 

Chap. VII. — How these singular barbarians turned out 
to be notorious squatters. How they built air castles, 
and attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the 
mystery of bundling . - .. 203 



CONTENTS. 



Past 



Chap. VIII. — How theibrt Gocd Hoop was fearfully 
beleaguered — how the renowned Wouter fell into a 
profound doubt, and how he finally evaporated - 210 

BOOK IV. 

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE IJETGN OF 
WILLIAM THE TESTY. 

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in general; 
containing furthermore the universal acquirements 
of William the Testy, and how a man may learn so 
much as to render himself good for nothing - 218 

Chap. II. — In which are recorded the sage projects 
of a ruler of universal genius. The art of fighting 
by proclamation, — and how that the valiant Jacobus 
Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at fort 
Goedo Hoop . . - . >2S0 

Chap. III. — Containing the fearful Avrath of Wil- 
liam the Testy, and the great dolour of the New- 
Amsterdammers ; because of the affair of fort Goed 
Hoop. And, moreover, how William the Testy did 
strongly fortif}^ the cit3\ — Together with the exploits 
of Stoffel BrinkerhofF " - - - 238 

Chap. IV. — Philosophical reflections on the folly of" 
being happy in times of prosperity. — Sundr}^ troubles 
on the southern frontiers. — How William the Test} 
had well nigh ruined the province through a cabalistic 
word. — As also the seci-et expedition of Jan Jan.sen 
Alpendam, and his astonishing reward - - 2 ! 7 

Chap. V. — How William the Testy enriched the pro- 
vince by a multitude of laws, and came to be the pa- 
tron of lawyers and bum-bailiffs. And how the people 
became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under 
his instructions - - - - 257 

Chap. VI. — Of the great pipe-plot — and of the dolorous 



CONTENTS. 



Pns-o 



perplexities into which WilHam the Testy was thrown, 

by reason of his having enlightened the multitude 267 

Chap. VII. — Containing divers fearful accounts of 
Border wars, and the flagrant outrages of tlie Moss- 
troopers of Connecticut — with the rise of the great 
Amphyctionic council of the east, and the decline of 
William the Testy 275 

BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OP 
PETER STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH 
THE AMPHYCTIONIC COUNCIL. 

Chap. I. — In vvhich the death of a great man is shown 
to be no very inconsolable matter of sorrow — and how 
Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from the un- 
common strength of his head - - 2S6 

Chap. II. — Showing how Peter the Headstrong be- 
stirred himself among the rats and cobwebs on enter- 
ing into office ; and the perilous mistake he was guilty 
of, in his dealings with the Amphyctions - - 295 

Chap. III. — Containing divers speculations on war and 
negotiations — showing that a treaty of peace is a 
great national evil - . . . 302 

Chap IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied 
by his adversaries the Moss-troopers — and his conduct 
thereupon . „ . . . 309 

Chap. V. — How the New-Amsterdammers became 
great in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of amighty 
army — together with Peter Stuyvesant's measures to 
fortify the city — and how he was the original founder 
of the battery . . - . 320 

Chap. VI. — How the people of the cast country were 



CONTENTS. 

Page 
suddenly afflicted with a diabolical evil — and their 

judicious measui'es for the extirpation thereof - 327 

Chap. VII. — Which records the rise and renown of a va- 
liant commander, showing that a man, like a bladder, 
may be puffed up to greatness and importance by mere 
wind _-__._ 335 

BOOK VI. 

tJONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF 

PETER THE HEADSTRONG AND HIS GALLANT 

ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. 

Chap. I. — In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of 
the great Peter — and how General Von Poffenburgh 
distinguished himself at Fort Casimir - - 34^5 

Chap. II. — Showing how profound secrets are often 
brought to light ; with the proceedings of Peter the 
Headstrong when he heard of the misfortunes of Ge- 
neral Von Poffenburgh - _ . 358 

Chap. III. — Containing Peter Stuyvesant's voyage up 
the Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that re- 
nowned river - - - - f)67 

Chap. IV. — Describing the powerful army that assem- 
bled at the city of New- Amsterdam — together with 
the interview between Peter the Headstrong and Ge- 
neral Von Poffenburgh, and Peter's sentiments touch- 
ing unfortunate great men ... 377 

Chap. V. — In which the author discourses very ingeni- 
ously of himself.— After which is to be found much 
interesting history about Peter the Headstrong and 
his followers .... 386 

Chap. VI. — Showing the great advantage that the au- 
thor has over his reader in time of battle— together 



CONTENTS. 



I', 



age 



with divers portentous movements ; which betoken 

that something terrible is about to happen S&J 

Chap. VII. — Containing the most horrible battle ever 
recorded in poetry or prose ; with the admirable ex- 
ploits of Peter the Headstrong - - 405 

Chap. VIII. — In which the author and the reader, 
while reposing after the battle, fall into a very grave 
discourse — after which is recorded the conduct of 
Peter Stuyvesant after his victory - - . 4,20 

BOOK^VII. 

CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PE- 
TER THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE 

BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF 
THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 

Chap. I. — How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign 
people from the burthen of taking care of the nation 
— with sundry particulars of his conduct in time of 
peace - ... . .\.^i 

Chap. II. — How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested 
by the moss-troopers of the East, and the Giants of 
Merryland — and how a dark and horrid conspiracy 
was carried on in the British Cabinet against the pro- 
sperity of the Manhattoes - - 441 

Chap. III. — Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the 
East Country, shewing that though an old bird, he 
did not understand trap . . _ 453 

Chap. IV. — How the people of New-Amsterdam were 
thrown into a great panic, by the news of a threa- 
tened invasion, and the manner in which they for- 
tified themselves - - - - 4!65 

Chap. V. — Showing how the Grand Council of the 
New- Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted 
with long tongues. Together with a great triumph 
of Economy - - - - 470 



34 DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 

or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from 
which this world is driven by a centrifugal or re- 
pelling power, and to which it is drawn by a cen- 
tripetal or attractive force, otherwise called the 
attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or ra- 
ther the counteraction of these two opposing im- 
pulses producing a circular and annual revolution. 
Hence result the different seasons of the year, viz. 
spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved modern 
theory on the subject — though there be many 
philosophers who have entertained very different 
opinions ; some too of them entitled to much 
deference, from their great antiquity and illustrious 
characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the 
ancient sages, that the earth was an extended 
plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by others, 
that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back 
of a huge tortoise — but as they did not provide a 
resting-place for either the pillars or the tortoise, 
the whole theory fell to the ground, for want of 
proper foundation. 

The Bramins assert, that the heavens rest upon 
the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like 
fishes in the water, moving from east to west by 
day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon to 
their original stations during the night*; while, 
according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast 
plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar, 

* Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note b. 7. 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 35 

and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with 
seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre 
by a mountainous rock of burnished gold; and 
that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the 
moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar 
eclipses *. 

Beside these, and many other equally sage 
opinions, we have the profound conjectures of 
Aboul-Hassan-aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, 
son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Ma- 
soud-el-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, 
and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the 
humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the 
companion of the ambassador of God. He has 
written an universal history, entitled "Mouroudge- 
ed-dhahrab, or, the Golden Meadows, and the 
Mines of Precious Stones f.** In this valuable 
work he has related the history of the world, from 
the creation down to the moment of writing ; 
which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi Billah, 
in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year 
of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs 
us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Me- 
dina constituting the head, Persia and India the 
right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and 
Africa the tail. He informs us, moreover, that 
an earth has existed before the present (which he 
considers as a mere chicken of 7OOO years), that 
it has undergone divers deluges, and that, accord- 
ing to the opinion of some well informed Brahmins 

* Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. f Mss. Bibliot. Roi. Fr. 

D 2 



36 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 



of his acquaintance, it will be renovated every 
seventy thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam 
consisting of 12,000 years. 

These are a few of the many contradictory 
opinions of philosophers concerning the earth, and 
we find that the learned have had equal perplexity 
as to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient 
philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast wheel 
of brilliant fire*; others that it is merely a mirror 
or sphere of transparent crystalt; and a third class, 
at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, main- 
tained that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass 
of iron or stone — indeed, he declared the heavens 
to be merely a vault of stone — and that the stars 
were stones whirled upwards from the earth, and 
set on fire by the velocity of its revolutions t. But 
I give little attention to the doctrines of this philo- 
sopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted 
them, by banishing him from their city ; a concise 
mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much 
resorted to in former days. Another sect of phi- 
losophers do declare, that certain fiery particles 
exhale constantly from the earth, which concen- 
trating in a single point of the firmament by day, 
constitute the sun, but being scattered and ram- 
bling about in the dark at night, collect in various 
points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt 

* Plutarch de placitis Philosoph, lib. ii. cap. 20. 

t Achill. Tat, Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob, 
Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de plac. phs. 

X Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. 
t. i. p. 26. Plut. de Plac. Philo. Xenoph. Mem. I. iv. p. 815. 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 37 

out and extinguished, not unlike to tlie lamps in 
our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhala- 
tions for the next occasion*. 

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and 
obscure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity 
of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt out, 
and sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time : 
— a most melancholy circumstance, the very idea of 
which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy 
weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to 
these various speculations, it was the opinion of 
Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent habitable 
abode; the light it furnishes arising from certain 
empyreal, luminous, or phosphoric clouds, swim- 
ming in its transparent atmosphere t. 

But we will not enter further at present into 
the nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not 
immediately necessary to the development of this 
history; neither will we embroil ourselves in any 
more of the endless disputes of philosophers touch- 
ing the form of this globe, but content ourselves 
with the theory advanced in tae beginning of this 
chapter, and will proceed to illustrate by experi- 
ment the complexity of motion therein ascribed 
to this our rotatory planet. 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as 
the name may be rendered into English), was long 
celebrated in the university of Ley den, for pro- 

♦ Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Eel. 
Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. I. p. 1154, &c. 

t Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 72. Idem. 1801. p. 265. Nich. 
Philos. Journ. I. p. 13. 



38 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 



found gravity of deportment, and a talent at going 
to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the in- 
finite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby 
worked their way through college with great ease 
and little study. In the course of one of his lec- 
tures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of 
water, swung it round his head at arm's length : 
the impulse with which he threw the vessel from 
him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of his 
arm operating as a centripetal power, and the 
bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, de- 
scribing a circular orbit round about the globular 
head and ruby visage of Professor Von Podding- 
coft, which formed no bad representation of the 
sun. All of these particulars were duly explained 
to the class of gaping students around him. He 
apprised them, moreover, that the same principle 
of gravitation, which retained the water in the 
bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the 
earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he further in- 
formed them that, should the motion of the earth 
be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall 
into the sun, through the centripetal force of gra- 
vitation ; a most ruinous event to this planet, and 
one which would also obscure, though it most 
probably would not extinguish, the solar luminary. 
An unlucky stripling, one of those vagrant ge- 
niuses who seem sent into the world merely to 
annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, de- 
sirous of ascertaining the correctness of the ex- 
periment, suddenly arrested the arm of the pro- 
fessor, just at the moment that the bucket was 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 39 

in its zenith, which immediately descended with 
astonishing precision upon the philosophic head 
of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and 
a red-hot hiss, attended the contact; but the theory 
was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the un- 
fortunate bucket perished in the conflict; but the 
blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft 
emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer 
than ever with unutterable indignation — whereby 
the students were marvellously edified, and de- 
parted considerably wiser than before. 

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly 
perplexes many a pains-taking philosopher, that 
nature often refuses to second his most profound 
and elaborate efforts ; so that after having invented 
one of the most ingenious and natural theories 
imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act 
directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly con- 
tradict his most favourite positions. This is a 
manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws 
the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely 
upon the philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to 
be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably 
correct, but to the wayw^ardness of dame Nature, 
who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is 
continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, 
and seems really to take pleasure in violating all 
philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and 
indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened 
with respect to the foregoing satisfactory ex- 
planation of the motion of our planet. It appears 
that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to 



40 DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 

Operate, while its antagonist remains in undimi- 
nished potency : the world, therefore, according 
to the theory as it originally stood, ought, in strict 
propriety, to tumble into the sun ; philosophers 
were convinced that it would do so, and awaited 
in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their pro- 
gnostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously 
continued her course, notwithstanding that she 
had reason, philosophy, and a whole university of 
learned professors opposed to her conduct. The 
philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is 
thought they would never have pardoned the slight 
and affront which they conceived put upon them 
by the world, had not a good-natured professor 
kindly officiated as a mediator between the parties, 
and effected a reconciliation. 

Finding the world would not accommodate itself 
to the theory, he wisely determined to accommo- 
date the theory to the world : he therefore in- 
formed his brother philosophers, that the circular 
motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner 
engendered by the conflicting impulses above de- 
scribed, than it became a regular revolution, in- 
dependent of the causes which gave it origin. 
His learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, 
being heartily glad of any explanation that would 
decently extricate them from their embarrassment 
— and ever since that memorable era the world 
has been left to take her own course, and to re- 
volve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks 
proper. 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 41 



CHAPTER II. 

Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; tvith a multitude of 
excellent theories, hy "which the creation of a tvorld is shoivn 
to be no such difficult matter as common folk would imagine. 

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to 
the world, and given him some idea of its form 
and situation, he will naturally be curious to know 
from whence it came, and how it was created. 
And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is 
absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if 
this world had not been formed, it is more than 
probable that this renowned island, on which is 
situated the city of New York, would never have 
had an existence. The regular course of my his- 
tory, therefore, requires that I should proceed to 
notice the cosmogony or formation of this our 



globe. 



And now I give my readers fair warning, that I 
am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as 
complete a labyrinth as ever historian was per- 
plexed witlial : therefore, I advise them to take 
fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, 
venturing neither to the right hand nor to the 
left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unin- 
telligible learning, or have their brains knocked 
out by some of those hard Greek names which 



42 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

will be flying about in all directions. But should 
any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted 
to accompany me in this perilous undertaking, 
they had better take a short cut round, and wait 
for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter. 

Of the creation of the world we have a thousand 
contradictory accounts ; and though a very satis- 
factory one is furnished us by divine revelation, 
yet every philosopher feels himself in honour 
bound to furnish us with a better. As an im- 
partial historian, I consider it my duty to notice 
their several theories, by which mankind have been 
so exceedingly edified and instructed. 

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, 
that the earth and the whole system of the uni- 
verse was the deity himself* ; a doctrine most 
strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the 
whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strato and the 
sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras like- 
wise inculcated the famous numerical system of 
the monad, dyad, and triad, and by means of his 
sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the 
world, the arcana of nature, and the principles 
both of music and morals f. Other sages adhered 
to the mathematical system of squares and tri- 
angles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; 
the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, 

* Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 

f Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem de ccelo, 1. 3. c. 1. 
Rousseau Mem. sur Musique anclen. p. 39. Plutarch de plac. 
Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. **> 

and the dodecahedron*. While others advocated 
the great elementary theory, which refers the con- 
struction of our globe and all that it contains to 
the combinations of four material elements, air, 
earth, fire, and water ; with the assistance of a 
fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic 
system taught by old Moschus, before the siege of 
Troy ; revived by Democritus, of laughing me- 
mory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of good 
fellow^s; and modernized by the fanciful Descartes. 
But I decline inquiring whether the atoms, of 
which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal 
or recent ; whether they are animate or inanimate; 
whether, agreeably to the opinion of the atheists, 
they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists 
maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelli- 
gence t. Whether in fact the earth be an insensate 
clod, or whether it be animated by a soult; which 
opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of 
philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great 
Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold 
water of philosophy on the form of sexual inter- 
course, and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic 

* Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. 3. p. 90. 

t Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. 2. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. 
i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. Mart, 
orat. ad gent. p. 20. 

:|: Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. ap. 
Plat. lib. 3. Mem. de I'acad. des Belles Lettr. t. 32, p. 19, 
et al. 



44 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

love — an exquisitely refined intercourse, but much 
better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his iraa- 
ginary island of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, 
composed of rebellious flesh and blood, which po- 
pulates the little matter of fact island we inhabit. 

Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the 
poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who generated 
the whole universe in the regular mode of pro- 
creation ; and the plausible opinion of others, that 
the earth was hatched from the great egg of night, 
which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the 
horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last 
doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth*, has 
favoured us with an accurate diawing and de- 
scription, both of the form and texture of this 
mundane egg; which is found to bear a marvellous 
resemblance to that of a goose. Such of my 
readers as take a proper interest in the origin of 
this our planet will be pleased to learn, that the 
most profound sages of antiquity, among the 
Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, andLatins, 
have alternately assisted at the hatching of this 
strange bird, and that their cacklings have been 
caught, and continued in different tones and in- 
flections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto 
the present day. 

But while briefly noticing long celebrated sys- 
tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with 
neglect those of other philosophers; which, though 
less universal and renowned, have equal claims to 

* Book i. ch. 5. 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 45 

attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus 
it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of 
their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, 
transforming himself into a great boar, plunged 
into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth 
on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty 
tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed 
the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, 
and he placed the earth upon the head of the 
snake*. 

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that 
the world was made by the hands of angels, ex- 
cepting their own country, which the Supreme 
Being constructed himself, that it might be su- 
premely excellent. And he took great pains with 
the inhabitants, and made them very black, and 
beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, 
he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him 
over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose of 
all his descendants, became flat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a preg- 
nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a 
tortoise took her upon its back, because every 
place was covered with water ; and that the woman, 
sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands 
in the water, and raked up the earth, whence 
it finally happened that the earth became higher 
than the water t. 

* Holwell. Gent. Philosophy. 

t Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or 
Mohawk Indians, le^'l'. 



46 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

But I forbear to quote a number more of these 
ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose de- 
plorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, 
compelled them to write in languages which but 
few of my readers can understand ; and I shall 
proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible 
and fashionable theories of their modern suc- 
cessors. 

And first I shall mention the great Buffon, 
who conjectures that this globe was originally a 
globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of 
the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark 
is generated by the collision of flint and steel. 
That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, 
which, cooling and condensing in process of time, 
constituted, according to their densities, earth, 
water, and air ; which gradually arranged them- 
selves, according to their respective gravities, 
round the burning or vitrified mass that formed 
their centre. 

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the 
waters at first were universally paramount; and 
he terrifies himself with the idea that the earth 
must be eventually washed away by the force of 
rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is 
confounded with the ocean, or in other words, 
absolutely dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea ! far 
surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of 
antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; or 
the good dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a 
volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 47 

to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine 
ropes of onions, and actually ran out at her eyes, 
before half the hideous task was accomplished. 

"Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who 
rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longi- 
tude (for which the mischief-loving Swift dis- 
charged on their heads a most savoury stanza), has 
distinguished himself by a very admirable theory 
respecting the earth. He conjectures that it was 
originally a chaotic comety which being selected 
for the abode of man, was removed from its eccen- 
tric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its pre- 
sent regular motion ; by which change of direction 
order succeeded to confusion in the arrangement 
of its component parts. The philosopher adds, 
that the deluge was produced by an uncourteous 
salute from the watery tail of another comet ; 
doubtless through sheer envy of its improved con- 
dition : thus furnishing a melancholy proof that 
jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly 
bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial har- 
mony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the 
poets. 

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, 
among which are those of Burnet, and Wood- 
ward, and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely that 
my time will not suffer me to give them the no- 
tice they deserve — and shall conclude with that 
of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned The- 
ban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as 
reason, and for good natured credulity as serious 



^^ CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

research, and who has recommended liimself 
wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, b} 
letting them into all the gallantries, amours, de- 
baucheries, and other topics of scandal of the 
court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy 
of his combustible imagination. According to 
his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sud- 
den occasion to explode, like a barrel of gun- 
powder, and in that act exploded the sun — which 
in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the 
earth — which in like guise exploded the moon — 
and thus by a concatenation of explosions, the 
whole solar system was produced, and set most 
systematically in motion * ! 

By the great variety of theories here alluded 
'^, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, 
will be found surprisingly consistent in all its 
parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be led 
to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so 
difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have 
shown at least a score of ingenious methods in 
which a world could be constructed ; and I have 
no doubt, that had any of the philosophers above 
quoted the use of a good manageable comet, and 
the philosophical warehouse chaos at his com- 
mand, he would engage to manufacture a planet 
as good, or, if you would take his word for it, 
better than this we inhabit. 

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness 

• Darw. Bot. Garden. Part T. Cant. i. 1. 105. 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 49 

of Providence, in creating comets for the great 
relief of bewildered philosophers. By their assist- 
ance more sudden evolutions and transitions are 
effected in the system of nature than are wrought 
in a pantomimic exhibition by the wonder-work- 
ing sword of Harlequin. Should one of our mo- 
dern sages, in liis theoretical flights among the 
stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in 
danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and 
absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the beard, 
mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in 
triumph, like an enchanter on his hippogriflf", or a 
Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to sweep 
the cobwebs out of the sky.*' 

It is an old and vulgar saying, about a " beggar 
on horseback,'* which I would not for the wo,r\ ' 
have applied to these reverend philosophers ; but 
I must confess that some of them, when they are 
mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild 
in their curvettings as was Phaeton of yore, when 
he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One 
drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and 
knocks the world out of him with the mighty con- 
cussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet 
a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a re- 
gular supply of food and fagots — a third, of more 
'combustible disposition, threatens to throw his 
comet like a bombshell into the world, and blow 
it up like a powder magazine ; while a fourth, 
with no great delicacy to this planet and its in- 
habitants, insinuates that some day or other his 

E 



50 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

comet — my modest pen blushes while 1 write it — 
shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and de- 
luge it w^ith water ! — Surely, as I have already ob- 
served, comets were bountifully provided by Pro- 
vidence for the benefit of philosophers, to assist 
them in manufacturing theories. 

And now, having adduced several of the most 
prominent theories that occur to my recollection, 
I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to 
choose among them. They are all serious specu- 
lations of learned men — all differ essentially from 
each other — and all have the same title to belief. 
It has ever been the task of one race of philoso- 
phers to demolish the works of their predecessors, 
and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, 
which in their turn are demolished and replaced 
by the air castles of a succeeding generation. 
Thus it would seem that knowledge and genius, 
of which w^e make such great parade, consist but 
in detecting the errors and absurdities of those 
who have gone before, and devising new errors and 
absurdities, to be detected by those who are to 
come after us. Theories are the mighty soap bub- 
bles with which the grown up children of science 
amuse themselves — while the honest vulgar stand 
gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these 
learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! — 
Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that phi- 
losophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, 
busying themselves in things totally incomprehen- 
sible, or which, if they could be comprehended. 



CREATION CF THE WOftLD. 



51 



would be found not worthy the trouble of dis- 
covery. 

For my own part, until the learned have come 
to an agreement among themselves, I shall con- 
tent myself with the account handed down to us 
by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example 
of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut, who 
at their first settlement proclaimed that the co- 
lony should be governed by the laws of God — 
until they had time to make better. 

One thing, however, appears certain — from the 
unanimous authority of the before quoted philo- 
sophers, supported by the evidence of our own 
senses (which, though very apt to deceive us, may 
be cautiously admitted as additional testimony), 
it appears, I say, and I make the assertion deli- 
berately, without fear of contradiction, that this 
globe really 'ioas created, and that it is composed 
of land and water. It further appears that it is 
curiously divided and parcelled out into conti- 
nents and islands, among which I boldly declare 
the renowned Island of New York will be found 
by any one who seeks for it in its proper place. 



E ^ 



52 HISTORY OF NOAH. 



CHAPTER III. 

f/oro thatjamous navigator, Noah, tvas shamefully nick-named ; 
and hoiv he committed an tmjmrdonable oversight in not having 
Jour sons. With the great trouble of philosophers caused 
thereby, and the discovery of America. 

Noah, who is the first sea-faring man we read 
of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. 
Authors, it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that 
the patriarch had a number of other children. 
Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic 
Titans ; Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, 
or Jonicus ; and others have mentioned a son, 
named Thuiscon, from whom descended the Teu- 
tons or Teutonic, or in other words the Dutch 
nation. 

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan 
will not permit me to gratify the laudable cu- 
riosity of my readers, by investigating minutely 
the history of the great Noah. Indeed such an 
undertaking would be attended with more trouble 
than many people would imagine ; for the good 
old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller 
in his day, and to have passed under a different 
name in every country that he visited. The Chal- 
deans, for instance, give us his story, merely 
altering his name into Xisuthrus — a trivial altera- 



HIS VARIOUS NAMES. 53 

tion, which, to an historian skilled in etymologies,; 
will appear wholly unimportant. It appears like- 
wise that he had exchanged his tarpawling and 
quadrant among the Chaldeans for the gorgeous 
insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in 
their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under 
the name of Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the 
Greek and Roman writers confound him with 
Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and 
Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank 
among the most extensive and authentic his- 
torians, inasmuch as they have known the world 
much longer than any one else, declare that Noah 
was no other than Fohi; and what gives this asser- 
tion some air of credibility is, that it is a fact, ad- 
mitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah 
travelled into China, at the time of the building of 
the tower of Babel (probably to improve himself 
in the study of languages) ; and the learned Dr. 
Shackford gives us the additional information, 
that the ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers 
of China. 

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage 
hypotheses many satisfactory deductions might 
be drawn; but I shall content myself with the sim- 
ple fact stated in the Bible, viz. that Noah begat 
three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is asto- 
nishing on what remote and obscure contingencies 
the great affairs of this world depend, and how 
events the most distant, and to the common ob- 
server unconnected, are inevitably consequent the 



54 UNCERTAINTY AS TO WHETHER 

one to the other. It remains to the philosopher 
to discover these mysterious affinities, and it is 
the proudest triumph of his skill to detect and 
drag forth some latent chain of causation, which 
at first sight appears a paradox to the inex- 
perienced observer. Thus many of my readers 
will doubtless wonder what connexion the family 
of Noah can possibly have with this history — and 
many will stare when informed, that the whole 
history of this quarter of the world has taken its 
character and course from the simple circum- 
stance of the patriarch's having but three sons — 
but to explain. 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible his- 
torians, becoming sole surviving heir and pro- 
prietor of the earth, in fee simple, after the de- 
luge, like a good father, portioned out his estate 
among his children. To Shem he gave Asia ; to 
Ham, Africa; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is 
a thousand times to be lamented that he had but 
three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would 
doubtless have inherited America ; which of course 
would have been dragged forth from its obscurity 
on the occasion, — and thus many a hard working 
historian and philosopher would have been spared 
a prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting 
the first discovery and population of this country. 
Noah, however, having provided for his three sons, 
looked in all probability upon our country as mere 
wild unsettled land, and said nothing about itj and 
to this unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch 



AMERICA WAS KNO.VN TO NOAH. 55 

may we ascribe the misfortune, that America did 
not come into the world as early as the other 
quarters of the globe. 

It is true, some writers have vindicated him from 
this misconduct towards posterity, and asserted 
that he really did discover America. Thus it was 
the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer, 
possessed of that ponderosity of thought, and pro- 
foundness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, 
that the immediate descendants of Noah peopled 
this quarter of the globe, and that the old patri- 
arch himself, who still retained a passion for the 
sea-faring life, superintended the transmigration. 
The pious and enlightened father Charlevoix, a 
French Jesuit, remarkable for his aversion to the 
marvellous, common to all great travellers, is con- 
clusively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still 
further, and decides upon the manner in which the 
discovery was effected, which was by sea, and 
under the immediate direction of the great Noah. 
** I have already observed,'* exclaims the good 
father, in a tone of becoming indignation, *' that it 
is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren 
of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new 
world, or that they never thought of it. In effect, 
I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. 
Who can seriously believe that Noah and his im- 
mediate descendants knew less than we do, and 
that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that 
ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an 
unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and 



56 FOIITHCOIMING LOG-BOOK OF NOAH. 

quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant 
of, or should not have communicated to his de- 
scendants, the art of sailing on the ocean?" There- 
fore they did sail on the ocean — therefore they 
sailed to America — therefore America was dis- 
covered by Noah ! 

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which 
is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, 
being addressed to the faith rather than the under- 
standing, is flatly opposed by Hans de Laet, who 
declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox to 
suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought of 
discovering America ; and as Hans is a Dutch 
writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been 
much better acquainted with the worthy crew of 
the ark than his competitors, and of course pos- 
sessed of more accurate sources of information. 
It is astonishing how intimate historians do daily 
become with the patriarchs and other great men 
of antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, 
and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and 
familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, 
I should not be surprised if some future writers 
should gravely give us a picture of men and man- 
ners as they existed before the flood, far more co- 
pious and accurate than the Bible ; and that, in the 
course of another century, the log-book of the good 
Noah should be as current among historians as 
the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned 
history of Robinson Crusoe. 

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the 



HOW AMERICA WAS DISCOVERED. 57 

huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, 
and probabilities respecting the first discovery of 
this country, with wliich unhappy historians over- 
load themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the 
doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to 
see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, 
and sweating under an enormous burden, at the 
very outset of their works, which, on being opened, 
turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of 
straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they 
seem to have established the fact, to the satisfac- 
tion of all the world, that this country has been 
discovered^ I shall avail myself of their useful la- 
bours to be extremely brief upon this point. 

I shall not therefore stop to inquire, whether 
America was first discovered by a wandering ves- 
sel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, ac- 
cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; 
or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny, 
the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary 
Islands ; or whether it was settled by a temporary 
colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Se- 
neca. I shall neither inquire whether it was first 
discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great 
shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwegians in 
1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the German 
navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove 
to the S9avans of the learned city of Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims 
of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of prince 
Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never 



58 THE AUTHOR'S PLAN 

-eturned, it has since been wisely concluded that 
he must have gone to America, and that for a 
plain reason — if he did not go there, where else 
could he have gone ? — a question which most so- 
cratically shuts out all further dispute. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above 
mentioned, with a multitude of others, equally 
satisfactory, I shall take for granted the vulgar 
opinion, that America was discovered on the 12th 
of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon a Ge- 
noese, who has been clumsily nick-named Colum- 
bus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the 
voyages and adv^entures of this Colon, I shall say 
nothing, seeing that they are already sufficiently 
known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this 
country should have been called Colonia, after his 
name, that being notoriously self-evident. 

Having thus happily got my readers on this side 
of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself all im- 
patience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land 
of promise, and in full expectation that I will im- 
mediately deliver it into their possession. But if 
I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular 
bred historian ! No — no — most curious and thrice 
learned readers (for thrice learned ye are if ye 
have read all that has gone before, and nine times 
learned shall ye be, if ye read that which comes 
after,) we have yet a world of work before us. Think 
you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the 
globe had nothing to do but go on shore and find 
a country ready laid out and cultivated like a gar- 



EXHIBITED TO THE READER. 59 

den, wherein they might revel at their ease ? No 
such thing — they had forests to cut down, under- 
wood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to 
exterminate. 

In Hke manner, I have sundry doubts to clear 
away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex- 
plain, before I permit you to range at random ; but 
these difficulties once overcome, we shall be en- 
abled to jog on right merrily through the rest of 
our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, 
echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner 
as the sound of poetry has been found by certain 
shrewd critics to echo the sense — this being- an 

o 

improvement in history, which I claim the merit 
of having invented. 



60 



DIFFICULTIES RESPECTING 



CHAPTER IV. 

ShoVomg the great difficulty Philosophers have had in peopling 
America — And hotv the Aborigines came to he begotten by 
accident — to the great relief and satisfaction of the Author. 

The next inquiry at which we arrive in the 
regular course of our history is to ascertain, if 
possible, how this country was originally peopled — 
a point fruitful of incredible embarrassments ; for 
unless we prove that the Aborigines did absolutely 
come from somewhere, it will be immediately as- 
serted in this age of scepticism that they did not 
come at all ; and if they did not come at all, then 
was this country never populated — a conclusion 
perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly 
irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inas- 
much as it must syllogistically prove fatal to the 
innumerable Aborigines of this populous region. 

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from 
logical annihilation so many millions of fellow 
creatures, how many wings of geese have been 
plundered ! what oceans of ink have been benevo- 
lently drained ! and how many capacious heads of 
learned historians have been addled, and for ever 
confounded ! I pause with reverential awe when 
I contemplate the ponderous tomes, in different 
languages, with which they have endeavoured to 
solve this question, so important to the happiness 



THE ABORIGINES OF AMERICA. 



61 



of society, but so involved in clouds of impene- 
trable obscurity. Historian after historian has 
engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argu- 
ment, and after leading us a weary chase through 
octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the 
end of his work just as wise as we were at the 
beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical 
wild goose chase of the kind that made the old 
poet Macrobius rail in such a^ passion at curiosity, 
which he anathematizes most heartily, as " an irk- 
some agonizing care, a superstitious industry about 
unprofitable things, an itching humour to see what 
is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies 
nothing when it is done." But to proceed. 
- Of the claims of the children of Noah to the 
original population of this country I shall say 
nothing, as they have already been touched upon 
in my last chapter. The claimants next in cele- 
brity are the descendants of Abraham. Thus 
Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), when 
he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola,. 
immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that 
would have done honour to a philosopher, that he 
had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solo- 
mon procured the gold for embellishing the temple 
at Jerusalem ; nay. Colon even imagined that he 
saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic 
construction, employed in refining the precious ore. 
So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such 
fascinating extravagance, was too tempting not to 
be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of 



62 OPINIONS OF AUTHORS RESPECTING 

learning ; and accordingly there were divers pro- 
found writers ready to swear to its correctness, 
and to bring in their usual load of authorities, and 
wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus 
and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be 
more clear — Arius Montanus, without the least 
hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, 
and the Jews the early settlers of the country. 
While Possevin, Becan, and several other saga- 
cious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the 
fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in 
the mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of an 
arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 

Scarce, however, have they completed their 
goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx 
of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, the great 
Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles 
the whole fabric about their ears. Hans, in fact, 
contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to 
the first settlement of this country, attributing all 
those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Chris- 
tianity and Judaism, which have been said to be 
found in divers provinces of the new world, to 
the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit 
the worship of the true Deity. " A remark," says 
the knowing old Padre d*Acosta, ** made by all 
good authors who have spoken of the religion of 
nations newly discovered, and founded besides on 
the authority o^ the fathers of the church.** 

Some writers again, among whom it is with 
great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez 



THE FIRST PEOPLING OF AMERICA. 63 

de Gomara and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the 
Canaanites, being driven from the land of promise 
by the Jews, were seized with such a panic that 
they fled without looking behind them, until stop- 
ping to take breath, they found themselves safe in 
America. As they brought neither their national 
language, manners, nor features with them, it is 
supposed they left them behind in the hurry of 
their flight — I cannot give my faith to this opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro- 
tius, who, being both an ambassador and a Dutch- 
man to boot, is entitled to great respect, that 
North America was peopled by a strolling com- 
pany of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded 
by a colony from China — Manco or Mungo Capac, 
the first Incas, being himself a Chinese : nor shall 
I more than barely mention that father Kircher 
ascribes the settlement of America to the Egyp- 
tians, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to 
the Gauls, Jufli'edus Petri to a skaiting party from 
Friesland, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus the 
Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoe- 
nicians, Postel to the Moors, Martin d'Angleria 
to the Abyssinians ; together with the sage sur- 
mise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, and the 
Orcades, may contend for that honour. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit 
to the idea that America is the fairy region of 
Zipangri, described by that dreaming traveller, 
Marco Polo, the Venetian ; or that it comprises 
the visionary island of Atlantis, described by Plato. 
Neither will I stop to investigate the heathenish 



64 



OPINIONS OF AUTHORS RESPECTING 



assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of 
the globe was originally furnished with an Adam 
and Eve : or the more flattering opinion of Dr. 
Romayne, supported by many nameless authorities, 
that Adam was of the Indian race — or the startling 
conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so 
highly honourable to mankind, that the whole 
human species is accidentally descended from a 
remarkable family of monkeys ! 

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon 
me very suddenly and very ungraciously. 1 have 
often, beheld the clown in a pantomime, while 
gazing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gam- 
bols of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a 
sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his 
shoulders. Little did I think at such times, that 
it' woidd ever fall to my lot to be treated with 
equal discourtesy, and that while I was quietly 
beholding these grave philosophers, emulating the 
eccentric transformations of the hero of panto- 
mime, they would on a sudden turn upon me and 
my readers, and with one hypothetical flourisli 
metamorphose us into beasts ! I determined from 
that moment not to burn my fingers with any more 
of their theories, but content myself with detailing 
the different methods by which they transported 
the descendants of these ancient and respectable 
monkeys to this great field of theoretical warfare. 

This was done either by migrations by land or 
transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph 
D' Acosta enumerates three passages by land — first 
by the north of Europe, secondly by the north of 



THE FIRST PEOPLING OF AMERICA. 



6i 



Asia, and thirdly by regions southward of the 
straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius marches 
his Norwegians, by a pleasant route, across frozen 
rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Green- 
land, Estotiland, and Naremberga : and various 
writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and 
BufFon, anxious for the accommodation of these 
travellers, have fastened the two continents to- 
gether by a strong chain of deductions — by which 
means they could pass over dry-shod. But should 
even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gen- 
tleman, who compiles books, and manufactures 
Geographies, has constructed a natural bridge of 
ice, from continent to continent, at the distance 
of four or five miles from Behring*s straits — for 
which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all 
the wandering aborigines who ever did or ever 
will pass over it. 

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of 
the worthy writers above quoted could ever com- 
mence his work without immediately declaring 
hostilities against every writer who had treated 
of the same subject. In this particular, authors 
may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, 
which, in building its nest, is sure to pull to pieces 
the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. 
This unhappy propensity tends grievously to im- 
pede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories 
are at best but brittle productions, and when once 
committed to the stream, they should take care 
that, like the notable pots which were fellow- 
voyagers, they do not crack each other. 



66 AMERICA PEOPLED BY ACCIDENT. 

My chief surprise is, that, among the many 
writers I have noticed, no one has attempted to 
prove that this country was peopled from the 
moon — or that the first inliabitants floated hither 
on islands of ice, as white bears cruise about the 
northern oceans — or that they were conveyed 
hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from 
Dover to Calais — or by witchcraft, as Simon Ma- 
gus posted among the stars — or after the manner 
of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the 
New England witches on full-blooded broomsticks, 
made most unheard of journeys on the back of 
a golden arrow, given him by the Hyperborean 
Apollo. 

But there is still one mode left by which this 
country could have been peopled, which I have 
reserved for the last, because I consider it worth 
all the rest : it is — bi/ accident! Speaking of the 
islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Hol- 
land, the profound father Charlevoix observes, " in 
fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is pos- 
sible some have been so by accident. Now if it 
could have happened in that manner, why might 
it not have been at the same timCy and by the same 
means, with the other parts of the globe ?" This 
ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions 
from possible premises is an improvement in syllo- 
gistic skill, and proves the good father superior 
even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world 
without any thing to rest his lever upon. It is 
only surpassed by the dexterity with which the 
sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, cuts the gor- 



THREE CERTAIN CONCLUSIONS. 67 

diaii knot — " Nothing," says he, '* is more easy. 
The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly 
the descendants of the same father. The common 
father of mankind received an express order from 
Heaven to people the world, and accordingly it has 
been peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary 
to overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have 
also been overcome!** Pious logician! How does 
he put all the herd of laborious theorists to the 
blush, by explaining, in five words, what it has 
cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing 
about ! 

From all the authorities here quoted, and a va- 
riety of others which I have consulted, but which 
are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned 
reader — I can only draw the following conclusions, 
which luckily, however, are sufficient for my pur- 
pose — First, that this part of the world has ac- 
tually bee?i peopled, (Q. E. D.) to support which 
we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of 
Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, that it has 
been peopled in five hundred different ways, as 
proved by a cloud of authors, who, from the posi- 
tiveness of their assertions, seem to have been eye- 
witnesses to the fact — Thirdly, that the people of 
this country had a variety of fathers, which, as it 
may not be thought much to their credit by the 
common run of readers, the less we say on the 
subject the better. The question therefore, I 
trust, is for ever at rest. 



f2 



68 A GIGANTIC QUESTION. 



CHAPTER V. 

In tvhich the Author puts a mighty question to the rout, by the 
assistance of the Man in the Moon — tvhich not only delivers 
thousands of people Jrom great embarrassment, but likeivise 
concludes this introductory book. 

The writer of a history may, in some respects, 
be likened unto an adventurous knight, who, 
having undertaken a perilous enterprise by way 
of establishing his fame, feels bound in honour 
and chivalry to turn back for no difficulty nor 
hardship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever 
enemy he may encounter. Under this impression 
I resolutely draw my pen, and fall to with might 
and main, at those doughty questions and subtle 
paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody 
giants, beset the entrance to my history, and 
would fain repulse me from the very threshold. 
And at this moment a gigantic question has 
started up, which I must needs take by the beard 
and utterly subdue, before I can advance another 
step in my historic undertaking — but I trust this 
will be the last adversary I shall have to contend 
with, and that in the next book I shall be enabled 
to conduct my readers in triumph into the body of 
my work. 

The question which has thus suddenly arisen is, 
what right had the first discoverers of America to 



RIGHTS OF THE DISCOVERERS. 



69 



land and take possession of a country, without first 
gaining the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding 
them an adequate compensation for their territory? 
— a question which has withstood many fierce as- 
saults, and has given much distress of mind to 
multitudes of kind-hearted folk; and, indeed, until 
it be totally vanquished and put to rest, the worthy 
people of America can by no means enjoy the soil 
they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, 
unsullied consciences. 

The first source of right, by which property is 
acquired in a country, is discovery. For as all 
mankind have an equal right to any thing which 
has never before been appropriated, so any nation 
that discovers an uninhabited country, and takes 
possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full 
property, and absolute, unquestionable empire 
therein*. 

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly 
that the Europeans who first visited America were 
the real discoverers of the same ; nothing being 
necessary to the establishment of this fact but 
simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited by 
man. This would at first appear to be a point of 
some difficulty, for it is well known that this quar- 
ter of the world abounded with certain animals 
that walked erect on two feet, had something of 
the human countenance, uttered certain unin- 
telligible sounds, very much like language, in 
short, had a marvellous resemblance to human 

* Grotius. PufFendorf, b. 5. c. 4. Vattel, b. 1. c. 18, &c. 



70 BARBARISM OF THE NATIVES. 

beings. But the zealous and enlightened fathers, 
who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose 
of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by establish- 
ing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, soon 
cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of 
his holiness the pope, and of all christian voyagers 
and discoverers. 

They plainly proved, and as there were no In- 
dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was 
considered as fully admitted and established, that 
the two-legged race of animals before mentioned 
were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and 
many of them giants — ^which last description of 
vagrants have, since the times of Gog, Magog, 
and Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and have 
received no quarter in either history, chivalry, or 
song. Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon de- 
(^lared the Americans to be people proscribed by 
the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a bar- 
barous custom of sacrificing men, and feeding upon 
man's flesh. 

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar- 
barism : among many other writers of discern- 
ment, Ulloa tells us, '* their imbecility is so visible, 
that one can hardly form an idea of them different 
from what one has of the brutes. Nothing dis- 
turbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insen- 
sible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half 
naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his 
most splendid array. Fear makes no impression 
on them, and respect as little.'* — All this is further- 



THEIR WANT OF AMBITION. 71 

more supported by the authority of M. Bouguer. 
** It is not easy,'* says he, " to describe the degree 
of their indifference for wealth and all its advan- 
tages. One does not M^ell know what motives to 
propose to them when one would persuade them 
to any service. It is vain to offer them money; 
they answer that they are not hungry." And 
Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that 
*' ambition they have none, and are more desirous 
of being thought strong than valiant. The ob- 
jects of ambition with us, honour, fame, reputa- 
tion, riches, posts, and distinctions, are unknown 
among them. So that this powerful spring of 
action, the cause of so much seeming good and 
real evil in the world, has no power over them. In 
a word, these unhappy mortals may be compared 
to children, in whom the development of reason is 
not completed.'* 

Now all these peculiarities, although in the un- 
enlightened states of Greece they would have 
entitled their possessors to immortal honour, as 
having reduced to practice those rigid and abste- 
mious maxims, the mere talking about which ac- 
quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages 
and philosophers ; — yet, were they clearly proved 
in the present instance to betoken a most abject 
and brutified nature, totally beneath the human 
character. But the benevolent fathers, who had 
undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into 
dumb beasts by dint of argument, advanced still 
stronger proofs ; for as certain divines of the 



7^ THE ABORIGINES MERE WILD BEASTS. 

sixteenth century, and among the rest Lulhis, 
affirm — the Americans go naked, and have no 
beards ! — *' They have nothing," saysLullus, " of 
the reasonable animal, except the mask." — And 
even that mask was allowed to avail them but 
little, for it was soon found that they were of a 
hideous copper complexion — and being of a cop- 
per complexion, it was all the same as if they were 
negroes— -and negroes are black, " and black," 
said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing them- 
selves, *' is the colour of the Devil !" Therefore, 
so far from being able to own property, they had 
no right even to personal freedom — for liberty is 
too radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. 
All which circumstances plainly convinced the 
righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that 
these miscreants had no title to the soil that they 
infested — that they were a perverse, illiterate, 
dumb, beardless, black-seed — mere wild beasts of 
the forests, and like them should either be sub- 
dued or exterminated. 

From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a 
variety of others equally conclusive, which I for- 
bear to enumerate, it was clearly evident that this 
fair quarter of the globe, when first visited by Eu- 
ropeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by 
nothing but wild beasts ; and that the trans-atlan- 
tic visiters acquired an incontrovertible property 
therein, by the right of discovery. 

This right being fully established, we now come 
to the next, which is the right acquired by culti- 



RIGHT OF CULTIVATION. 7^ 

vation. " The cultivation of the soil,'* we are 
told, " is an obligation imposed by nature on man- 
kind. The whole world is appointed for the nou- 
rishment of its inhabitants : but it would be in- 
capable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every 
nation is then obliged by the law of nature to 
cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. 
Those people, like the ancient Germans and mo- 
dern Tartars, who, having fertile countries, dis- 
dain to cultivate the earth, and choose to live by 
rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve to 
he exterminated as savage and pernicious beasts*.'* 

Now it is notorious that the savages knew no- 
thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the 
Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, 
unrighteous life, — rambling from place to place, 
and prodigally rioting upon the spontaneous luxu- 
ries of nature, without tasking her generosity to 
yield them any thing more ; whereas it has been 
most unquestionably shown, that heaven intended 
the earth should be ploughed and sown, and ma- 
nured, and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms, 
and country seats, and pleasure grounds, and pub- 
lic gardens, all which the Indians knew nothing 
about — therefore they did not improve the talents 
Providence had bestowed on them — therefore they 
were careless stewards — therefore they had no 
right to tlie soil — therefore they deserved to be 
exterminated. 

It is true the savages might plead that they drew 

* Vattel— B. i. ch. 17. 



7'* SAVAGES HAVE NO RIGHTS, 

all the benefits from the land which their simple 
wants required — they found plenty of game to 
hunt, which, together with the roots and unculti- 
vated fruits of the earth, furnished a sufficient 
variety for their frugal repasts ; — and that as hea- 
ven merely designed the earth to form the abode 
and satisfy the wants of man, so long as those 
purposes were answered, the will of heaven was 
accomplished. — But this only proves how unde- 
serving they were of the blessings around them — 
they were so much the more savages, for not hav- 
ing more wants ; for knowledge is in some degree 
an increase of desires, and it is this superiority 
both in the number and magnitude of his desires, 
that distinguishes the man from the beast. There- 
fore the Indians, in not having more wants, were 
very unreasonable animals ; and it was but just 
that they should make way for the Europeans, 
who had a thousand wants to their one, and there- 
fore would turn the earth to more account, and 
by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of hea- 
ven. Besides — Grotius, and Lauterbach, and PufF- 
endorf, and Titius, and many wise men beside, 
who have considered the matter properly, have 
determined, that the property of a country cannot 
be acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing 
water in it — nothing but precise demarcation of 
limits, and the intention of cultivation, can esta- 
blish the possession. Now as the savages (probably 
from never having read the authors above quoted) 
had never complied with any of these necessary 



AND OUGHT TO BE EXTERMINATED. 7^ 

forms, it plainly followed that they had no right 
to the soil, but that it was completely at the dis- 
posal of the first comers, who had more know- 
ledge, more wants, and more elegant, that is to 
say, artificial desires than themselves. 

In entering upon a newly discovered, unculti- 
vated country, therefore, the new comers were 
but taking possession of what, according to the 
aforesaid doctrine, was their own property — there- 
fore in opposing them, the savages w^ere invading 
their just rights, infringing the immutable laws of 
nature, and counteracting the will of heaven — 
therefore they were guilty of impiety, burglary, 
and trespass on the case, — therefore they were 
hardened offenders against God and man — there- 
fore they ought to be exterminated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that I 
have mentioned, and one which will be the most 
readily admitted by my reader, provided he be 
blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, 
is the right acquired by civilization. All the world 
knows the lamentable state in which these poor 
savages were found : not only deficient in the 
comforts of life, but what is still worse, most pite- 
ously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of 
their situation. But no sooner did the benevolent 
inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition 
than they immediately went to work to ameliorate 
and improve it. They introduced among them 
rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life— 
and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor 



76 THEIR WANT OF RELIGION. 

savages learnt to estimate these blessings — they 
likewise made known to them a thousand reme- 
dies, by which the most inveterate diseases are al- 
leviated and healed; and that they might compre- 
hend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these 
medicines, they previously introduced among them 
the diseases which they were calculated to cure. 
By these and a variety of other methods was the 
condition of these poor savages wonderfully im- 
proved ; they acquired a thousand wants, of which 
they had before been ignorant ; and as he has most 
sources of happiness who has most wants to be 
gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much 
happier race of beings. 

But the most important branch of civilization, 
and which has most strenuously been extolled by 
the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish Church, 
is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was 
truly a sight that might well inspire horror, to be- 
hold these savages stumbling among the dark 
mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most 
horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, they 
neither stole nor defrauded; they were sober, fru- 
gal, continent, and faithful to their word ; but 
though they acted right habitually, it was all in 
vain, unless they acted so from precept. The new- 
comers therefore used every method to induce 
them to embrace and practise the true religion — 
except indeed that of setting them the example. 

But notwithstanding all these complicated la- 
bours for their good, such was the unparalleled 



HOW SUPPLIED. 77 

obstinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they 
ungratefully refused to acknowledge the strangers 
as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving 
the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate ; most 
insolently alleging, that from their conduct, the 
advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe 
in it themselves. Was not this too much for hu- 
man patience ? — would not one suppose that the 
benign visitants from Europe, provoked at their 
incredulity, and discouraged by their stiff-necked 
obstinacy, would for ever have abandoned their 
shores, and consigned them to their original ig- 
norance and misery? — But no — so zealous were 
they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal 
salvation of these pagan infidels, that they even 
proceeded from the milder means of persuasion 
to the more painful and troublesome one of per- 
secution — let loose among them whole troops of 
fiery monks and furious bloodhounds — purified 
them by fire and sword, by stake and fagot; 
in consequence of which indefatigable measures 
the cause of Christian love and charity was so 
rapidly advanced, that in a very few years not 
one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in 
South America that were found there at the time 
of its discovery. 

What stronger right need the European set- 
tlers advance to the country than this? Have 
not whole nations of uninformed savages been 
made acquainted with a thousand imperious wants 
and indispensable comforts, of which they were 



78 COMFORTABLE CHANGES. 

before wholly ignorant ? Have they not been lite- 
rally hunted and smoked out of the dens and 
lurking-places of ignorance and infidelity, and 
absolutely scourged into the right path ? Have 
not the temporal things, the vain baubles and 
filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to en- 
gage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been be- 
nevolently taken from them ; and have they not, 
instead thereof, been taught to set their affections 
on things above ? — And finally, to use the words 
of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his 
superior in Spain — " Can any one have the pre- 
sumption to say that these savage Pagans have 
yielded any thing more than an inconsiderable 
recompense to their benefactors ; in surrender- 
ing to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty 
sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious in- 
heritance in the kingdom of Heaven !'* 

Here then are three complete and undeniable 
sources of right established, any one of which 
was more than ample to establish a property in 
the newly discovered regions of America. Now, 
so it has happened in certain parts of this delight- 
ful quarter of the globe, that the right of disco- 
very has been so strenuously asserted — the influ- 
ence of cultivation so industriously extended, and 
the progress of salvation and civilization so zeal- 
ously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant 
wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other 
partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great 
benefits— the savage aborigines have, somehow or 



RIGHT BY GUNPOWDER. 79 

another, been utterly annihilated — and this all at 
once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth 
all the others put together — For the original claim- 
ants to the soil being all dead and buried, and 
no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, 
the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, 
entered upon the possession as clearly as the hang- 
man succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor — 
and as they have Blackstone*, and all the learned 
expounders of the law on their side, they may set 
all actions of ejectment at defiance — and this last 
right may be entitled the right by extermina- 
tion, or in other words, the right by gunpowder. 

But lest any scruples of conscience should re- 
main on this head, and to settle the question of 
right for ever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI. 
issued a bull, by which he generously granted the 
newly discovered quarter of the globe to the Spa- 
niards and Portuguese ; who, thus having law and 
gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great 
spiritual zeal, showed the Pagan savages neither 
favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of 
discovery, colonization, civilization, and exter- 
mination, with ten times more fury than ever. 

Thus were the European worthies who first 
discovered America clearly entitled to the soil; 
and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to 
the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for 
having come so far, endured so many perils by 

* Bl. Comm. B. ii. c. 1, 



80 EXPEDITION FROM THE MOON 

sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for 
no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, 
uncivilized, and heathenish condition — for having 
made them acquainted with the comforts of life ; 
for having introduced among them the light of re- 
ligion ; and finally — for having hurried them out 
of the world, to enjoy its reward! 

But as argument is never so well understood by 
us selfish mortals as when it comes home to our- 
selves, and as I am particularly anxious that this 
question should be put to rest for ever, I will sup- 
pose a parallel case, by way of arousing the candid 
attention of my readers. 

Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the 
moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and 
by a profound insight into that lunar philosophy, 
the mere flickerings of which have of late years 
dazzled the feeble optics and addled the shallow 
brains of the good people of our globe — let us 
suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, 
by these means, had arrived at such a command 
of their energies^ such an enviable state of perfec- 
tibility^ as to control the elements, and navigate 
the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose 
a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in the 
course of an aerial voyage of discovery among the 
stars, should chance to alight upon this outlandish 
planet. 

And here I beg my readers will not have the 
uncharitableness to smile, as is too frequently the 
fault of volatile readers, when perusing the grave 



NOT A WILD SUPPOSITION. 



81 



speculations of philosophers. I am far from in- 
dulging in any sportive vein at present ; nor is 
the supposition I have been making so wild as 
many may deem it. It has long been a very se- 
rious and anxious question with me, and many a 
time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming 
cares and contrivances for the welfare and pro- 
tection of this my native planet, have I lain awake 
whole nights debating in my mind, whether it 
were most probable we should first discover and 
civilize the moon, or the moon discover and ci- 
vilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of 
sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be 
a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to 
us than was the European mystery of navigating 
floating castles, through the world of waters, to 
the simple savages. We have already discovered 
the art of coasting along the aerial shores of our 
planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had 
of venturing along their sea coasts in canoes ; and 
the disparity between the former and the aerial 
vehicles of the philosopliers from the moon might 
not be greater than that between the bark canoes 
of the savages and the mighty ships of their dis- 
coverers. I might here pursue an endless chain 
of similar speculations ; but as they would be un- 
important to my subject, I abandon them to my 
reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, as mat- 
ters well worthy his attentive consideration. 

To return then to my supposition — let us 
suppose the aerial visitants I have mentioned 

G 



82 PROGRESS OF THE EXPEDITION. 

possessed of vastly superior knowledge to our- 
selves ; that is to say, possessed of superior know- 
ledge in the art of extermination — riding on hip- 
pogrifFs — defended with impenetrable armour — 
armed with concentrated sun-beams, and provided 
with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon-stones; 
in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity will 
permit the supposition, as superior to us in know- 
ledge, and consequently in power, as the Eu- 
ropeans were to the Indians, when they first dis- 
covered them. All this is very possible ; it is only 
our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise; 
and I warrant the poor savages, before they had 
any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the 
terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gun- 
powder, were as perfectly convinced that they 
themselves were the wisest, the most virtuous, 
powerful, and perfect of created beings, as are, 
at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of 
old England, the volatile populace of France, or 
even the self-satisfied citizens of this most en- 
lightened republic. 

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial 
voyagers, finding this planet to be nothing but 
a howling wilderness, inhabited by us poor 
savages and wild beasts, shall take formal pos- 
session of it, in the name of his most gracious 
and philosophic excellency the man in the moon. 
Finding, however, that their numbers are incom- 
petent to hold it in complete subjection, on ac- 
count of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants; 



ADDRESS TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. '^<J 

they shall take our worthy President, the King 
of England, the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty 
Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam, and 
returning to their native planet, shall carry them 
to court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as 
spectacles in the courts of Europe. 

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of 
the court requires, they shall address the puissant 
man in the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, 
the following terms : 

" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose 
dominions extend as far as eye can reach, who 
rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a look- 
ing-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled control over 
tides, madmen, and sea crabs. We thy liege sub- 
jects have just returned from a voyage of dis- 
covery, in the course of which we have landed 
and taken possession of that obscure little dirty 
planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a di- 
stance. The five uncouth monsters, which we 
have brought into this august presence, were 
once very important chiefs among their fellow 
savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute 
of the common attributes of humanity ; and dif- 
fering in every thing from the inhabitants of the 
moon, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon 
their shoulders, instead of under their arms — have 
' two eyes instead of one — are utterly destitute of 
tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, 
particularly of a horrible whiteness — instead of 
pea green. 

G 2 



8 i ADDRESS TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

'* We have moreover found these miserable sa- 
vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance 
and depravity, every man shamelessly living with 
his own wife, and rearing his own children, in- 
stead of indulging in that community of wives" 
enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded by 
the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they 
have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among 
them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses, 
and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, 
on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, 
we have endeavoured, while we remained on their 
planet, to introduce among them the light of rea- 
son — and the comforts of the moon. We have 
treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and 
draughts of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed 
with incredible voracity, particularly tl>e females ; 
and we have likewise endeavoured to instil into 
them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We have 
insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible 
shackles of religion and common sense, and ador- 
ing the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect 
energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable 
perfection. But such was the unparalleled obsti- 
nacy of these wretched savages, that they persisted 
in cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their 
religion, and absolutely set at nought the sublime 
doctrines of the moon — nay, among other abo- 
minable heresies, they even went so far as blas- 
phemously to declare, that this ineffiible planet 
was made of nothing more nor less than green 
cheese !'* 



THE MAN IN THE MOON'S BULL. 85 

At these words, the great man in the moon 
(being a very profound philosopher) shall fall into 
a terrible passion, and possessing equal authority 
over things that do not belong to him as did 
whilome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith 
issue a formidable bull, — specifying, ** That — 
whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately 
discovered and taken possession of a newly dis- 
covered planet called the earth — and that whereas 
it is inhabited by none but a race of two-legged 
animals that carry their heads on their shoulders 
instead of under their arms ; cannot talk the lu- 
natic language ; have two eyes instead of one ; 
are destitute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, 
instead of pea green — therefore, and for a variety 
of other excellent reasons — they are considered 
incapable of possessing any property in the planet 
they infest, and the right and title to it are con- 
firmed to its original discoverers. And further- 
more, the colonists who are now about to depart 
to the aforesaid planet are authorized and com- 
manded to use every means to convert these 
infidel savages from the darkness of Christianity, 
and make them thorough and absolute lunatics.'* 

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi- 
losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. 
They seize upon our fertile territories, scourge us 
from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our 
wives, and when we are unreasonable enough to 
complain, they will turn upon us and say — Misera- 
ble barbarians ! ungrateful wretches ! — have we 



86 RIGHT OF THE EARLY COLONISTS 

not come thousands of miles to improve your 
worthless planet 1 — have we not fed you with 
moonshine — have we not intoxicated you with 
nitrous oxyde — does not our moon give you light 
every night, and have you the baseness to murmur, 
when we claim a pitiful return for all these bene- 
fits ? But finding that we not only persist in abso- 
lute contempt of their reasoning and disbelief in 
their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly 
to defend our property, their patience shall be 
exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior 
powers of argument — hunt us with hippogriffs, 
transfix us with concentrated sun-beams, demolish 
our cities with moon-stones ; until having by main 
force converted us to the true faith, they shall 
graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts 
of Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there 
to enjoy the blessings of civilization and the 
charms of lunar philosophy — in much the same 
manner as the reformed and enlightened savages 
of this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the 
inhospitable forests of the north, or the impene- 
trable wildernesses of South America. 

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strik- 
ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists 
to the possession of this country — and thus is this 
gigantic question completely vanquished : so hav- 
ing manfully surmounted all obstacles, and sub- 
dued all opposition, what remains but that I should 
forthwith conduct my readers into the city which 
we have been so long in a manner besieging ? — 



CLEARLY PROVED. 87 

But hold ; before I proceed another step, I must 
pause to take breath and recover from the ex- 
cessive fatigue I have undergone, in preparing to 
begin this most accurate of histories. And in this 
I do but imitate the example of a renowned Dutch 
tumbler of antiquity, who took a start of three 
miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill, but 
having run himself out of breath by the time he 
reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for 
a few moments to blow, and then walked over it 
at his leisure. 



88 MY GREAT GRANDFATHER. 



BOOK II. 



TKEATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE 
OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

In 'which are cotitained divers reasons xvhy a man shoidd not write 
in a hurry. Also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his discovery 
of a strange country — and hotv he was magnijicently rewarded 
by the munijicence of their High Mightinesses. 

My great grandfather, by the mother's side, 
Hermanns Van Clattercop, when employed to 
build the large stone church at Rotterdam, which 
stands about three hundred yards to your left, 
after you turn off from the Boomkeys, and which 
is so conveniently constructed, that all the zealous 
Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through 
a sermon there to any other church in the city — 
my great grandfather, I say, when employed to 
build that famous cliurch, did in the first place 
send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then having 
purchased anew spitting-box and a hundred weight 
of the best Virginia, he sat himself down, and did 
nothing for the space of three months but smoke 
most laboriously. Then did he spend full three 



HOW HE BUILT A CHURCH. 89 

months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging 
in trekscbuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to 
Delft — to Haerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, 
knocking his head and breaking his pipe against 
every churcli in bis road. Then did he advance 
gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until 
he came in full sight of the identical spot whereon 
the church was to be built. Then did he spend 
three months longer in walking round it and round 
it, contemplating it, first from one point of view, 
and then from another — now would he be paddled 
by it on the canal — now w^ould he peep at it 
through a telescope from the other side of the 
Meuse — and now would he take a bird's eye glance 
at it from the top of one of those gigantic wind- 
mills which protect the gates of the city. The 
good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of 
expectation and impatience — notwithstanding all 
the turmoil of my great grandfather, not a symp- 
tom of the church was yet to be seen ; they even 
began to fear it would never be brought into 
the world, but that its great projector would lie 
down and die in labour of the mighty plan he had 
conceived. At length, having occupied twelve 
good months in puffing and paddling, and talking 
and walking — having travelled over all Holland, 
and even taken a peep into France and Germany 
— having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine 
pipes, and three hundred weight of the best Vir- 
ginia tobacco — my great grandfather gathered to- 
gether all that knowing and industrious class of 



90 HIS EXAMPLE FOLLOWED. 

citizens who prefer attending to any body's busi- 
ness sooner than their own ; and having pulled oif 
his coat and five pair of breeches, he advanced 
sturdily up, and laid the corner stone of the 
church, in the presence of the whole multitude — 
just at the commencement of the thirteenth month. 
In a similar manner, and with the example of 
my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I 
proceeded in writing this most authentic history. 
The honest Rotterdamers no doubt thought my 
great grandfather was doing nothing at all to the 
purpose, while he was making such a world of 
prefatory bustle, about the building of his church 
— and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this 
fair city will unquestionably suppose that all the 
preliminary chapters, with- the discovery, popula- 
tion, and final settlement of America, were totally 
irrelevant and superfluous — and that the main 
business, the history of New York, is not a jot 
more advanced than if I had never taken up my 
pen. Never were wise people more mistaken in 
their conjectures: in consequence of going to work 
slowly and deliberately, the church came out of 
my grandfather's hands one of the most sump- 
tuous, goodly, and glorious edifices in the known 
world — excepting that, like our magnificent capi- 
tol at Washington, it was began on so grand a 
scale that the good folks could not afford to finish 
more than the wing of it. So likewise, I trust, if 
ever I am enabled to finish this work on the plan 
I have commenced (of which, in simple truth, I 



HENDIIICK HUDSON DESCRIBED. 91 

sometimes have my doubts), it will be found that 
I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as 
exemplified in the writings of all the great Ameri- 
can historians, and wrought a very large history 
out of a small subject — which, now a-days, is con- 
sidered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. 
To proceed, then, with the thread of my story. 

In the ever memorable year of our Lord, 1609, 
on a Saturday morning, the five and twentieth day 
of March, old style, did that " worthy and irre- 
coverable discoverer (as he has justly been called,) 
Master Henry Hudson,*' set sail from Holland 
in a stout vessel called the Half Moon, being 
employed by the Dutch East India Company to 
seek a north-west passage to China. 

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, 
Hendrick) Hudson was a sea-faring man of re- 
nown, v/ho had learned to smoke tobacco under Sir 
Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the first 
to introduce it into Holland, which gained him 
much popularity in that country, and caused him 
to find great favour in the eyes of their High 
Mightinesses, the lords states general, and also 
of the honourable West India Company. He was 
a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a 
double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper 
nose, which was supposed in those days to have 
acquired its fiery hue from the constant neigh- 
bourhood of his tobacco-pipe. 

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a 
leathern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one 



92 ROBERT JUET, HIS MATE. 

side of his head. He was remarkable for always 
jerking up his breeches when he gave out his 
orders, and his voice sounded not unlike the brat- 
tling of a tin trumpet — owing to the number of 
hard northwesters which he had swallowed in the 
course of his sea-faring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have 
heard so much, and know so little : and I have 
been thus particular in his description for the 
benefit of modern painters and statuaries, that 
they may represent him as he was ; and not, 
according to their common custom with modern 
heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus 
Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvidere. 

As chief mate and favourite companion, the 
commodore chose master Robert Juet, of Lime- 
house, in England. By some his name has been 
spelled Chewity and ascribed to the circumstance 
of his having been the first man that ever chewed 
tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere flippancy; 
more especially as certain of his progeny are living 
at this day, who write their names Juet. He was 
an old comrade and early school-mate of the great 
Hudson, with whom he had often played truant 
and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring pond, 
when they were little boys — from whence it is 
said the commodore first derived his bias towards 
a sea-faring life. Certain it is, that the old people 
about Limehouse declared Robert Juet to be an 
unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that would one 
day or other come to the gallows. 



HIS JOURNAL. 93 

He grew up, as boys of that kind often grow 
up, a rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about iii 
all quarters of the world — meeting with more perils 
and wonders than did Sindbad the Sailor, without 
growing a whit more wise, prudent, or ill-natured. 
Under every misfortune, he comforted himself with 
a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic maxim, 
that '* it will be all the same thing a hundred years 
hence." He was skilled in the art of carving an- 
chors and true lover's knots on the bulk heads and 
quarter railings, and was considered a great wit 
onboard ship, in consequence of his playing pranks 
on every body around, and now and then even 
making a wry face at old Hendrick, when his back 
was turned. 

To this universal genius are we indebted for 
many particulars concerning this voyage; of which 
he wrote a history, at the request of the commo- 
dore, who had an unconquerable aversion to writ- 
ing himself, from having received so many flog- 
gings about it when at school. To supply the de- 
ficiencies of master Juet*s journal, which is written 
with true log-book brevity, I have availed myself 
of divers family traditions, handed down from my 
great great grandfather, who accompanied the ex- 
pedition in the capacity of cabin-boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy 
of remark happened in the voyage ; and it morti- 
fies me exceedingly that I have to admit so noted 
an expedition into my work, without making any 
more of it. 



94 OCCURRENCES DURING 

Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and 
tranquil — the crew being a patient people, much 
given to slumber and vacuity, and but little trou- 
bled with the disease of thinking — a malady of the 
mind, which is the sure breeder of discontent. 
Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour 
crout, and every man was allowed to sleep quietly 
at his post unless the wind blew. True it is, some 
slight dissatisfaction was shown, on two or three 
occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Com- 
modore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore 
to shorten sail when the wind was light, and the 
weather serene, which was considered among the 
most experienced Dutch seamen as certain u^ea- 
tJier breeders^ or prognostics that the weather 
would change for the worse. He acted, more- 
over, in direct contradiction to that ancient and 
sage rule of the Dutch navigators, who always 
took in sail at night — put the helm a-port, and 
turned in — by which precaution they had a good 
night's rest — were sure of knowing where they 
were the next morning, and stood but little chance 
of running down a continent in the dark. He 
likewise prohibited the seamen from wearing more 
than five jackets and six pair of breeches, under 
pretence of rendering them more alert ; and no 
man was permitted to go aloft, and hand in sails, 
with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invariable Dutch 
custom at the present day — All these grievances, 
though they might ruffle for a moment the con- 
stitutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, 



THE VOYAGE. 9o 

made but transient impression ; tliey eat hugely, 
drank profusely, and slept immeasurably, and 
being under the especial guidance of Providence, 
the ship was safely conducted to the coast of 
America ; where, after sundry unimportant touch- 
ings and standings off and on, she at length, on the 
fourth day of September, entered that majestic 
bay, which at this day expands its ample bosom 
before the city of New York, and which had never 
before been visited by any European*. 

* True it is — and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a cer- 
tain apocryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hakluyt, is 
to be found a letter written to Francis the first, by one Gio- 
vanne, or John Verazzani, on which some writers are inclined 
to found a belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly 
a century previous to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. 
Now this (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain 
very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and 
that for various good and substantial reasons. — First, Because 
on strict examination it will be found, that the description 
given by this Verazzani applies about as well to the bay of 
New York as it does to my nightcap. — Secondly, Because that 
this John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most 
bitter enmity, is a native of Florence ; and every body knows 
the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched 
away the laurels from the brows of the immortal Colon (vulgarly 
called Columbus), and bestowed them on their officious towns- 
man, Amerigo Vespucci — and 1 make no doubt they are equally 
ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of discovering 
this beauteous island, adorned by the city of New York, and 
placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America, 
And, thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions 
of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from 
Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprise — and 



96 



DISCOVERY OF A 



It has been traditionary in our family, that 
when the great navigator was first blessed with a 
view of this enchanting island, he was observed, 
for the first and only time in his life, to exhibit 
strong symptoms of astonishment and admiration. 
He is said to have turned to master Jnet, and 
uttered these remarkable words, while he pointed 
towards this paradise of the new world — '* See ! 
there !" — and thereupon, as was always his way 
when he was uncommonly pleased, he did puff 
out such clouds of dense tobacco smoke, that in 
one minute the vessel was out of sight of land, 
and master Juet was fain to wait until the winds 
dispersed this impenetrable fog. 

It was indeed — as my great great grandfather 
used to say — though in truth I never heard him, 
for he died, as might be expected, before I was 
born — " it was indeed a spot on which the eye 
might have revelled for ever, in ever new and 
never ending beauties." The island of Manna- 
hata spread wide before them, like some sweet 
vision of fancy, or some fair creation of in- 
dustrious magic. Its hills of smiling green 
swelled gently one above another, crowned with 

though all the proofs m the world were introduced on the other 
side, I would set them at nought, as undeserving my attention. 
If these three reasons be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher 
of this ancient city — all I can say is, they are degenerate de- 
scendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally 
unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title 
of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vin- 
dicated. 



BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. 97 

lofty trees of luxuriant growth ; some pointing 
their tapering foliage towards the clouds, which 
were gloriously transparent ; and others, loaded 
with a verdant burthen of clambering vines, bow- 
ing their branches to the earth, that was covered, 
with flowers. On the gentle declivities of the 
hills were scattered in gay profusion the dog- 
wood, the sumach, and the wild brier, whose 
scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly 
among the deep green of the surrounding foliage; 
and here and there a curling column of smoke 
rising from the little glens that opened along the 
shore, seemed to promise the weary voyagers a 
welcome at the hands of their fellow creatures. 
As they stood gazing with entranced attention on 
the scene before them, a red man, crowned with 
feathers, issued from one of these glens, and after 
contemplating in silent w^onder the gallant ship, 
as she sat like a stately swan swimming on a silver 
lake, sounded the war-whoop, and bounded into 
the woods, like a wild deer, to the utter astonish- 
ment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never 
heard such a noise or witnessed such a caper in 
their whole lives. 

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the 
savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes 
and ate dried currants ; how they brought great 
store of tobacco and oysters ; how they shot one 
of the ship's crew, and how he was buried, I shall 
say nothing, being that I consider them unim- 
portant to my history. After tarrying a few days 

H 



98 HENDRICK'S NOTABLE DEVICE. 

in the bay, in order to refresh themselves after 
their sea-faring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to 
explore a mighty river which emptied into the 
bay. This river, it is said, was known among the 
savages by the name of the Shatemuck ; though we 
are assured in an excellent little history published 
in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent, that it was called 
the Mohegan*y and master Richard Bloome, who 
wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same — so 
that I very much incline in favour of the opinion 
of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, 
up this river did the adventurous Hendrick pro- 
ceed, little doubting but it would turn out to be 
the much looked for passage to China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of divefs 
interviews between the crew and the natives, in 
the voyage up the river; but as they would be im- 
pertinent to my history, I shall pass over them 
in silence, except the following dry joke, played 
off by the old commodore and his schoolfellow 
Robert Juet, which does such vast credit to their 
experimental philosophy, that I cannot refrain 
from inserting it. " Our master and his mate de- 
termined to try some of the chiefe men of the 
countrey, whether they had any treacherie in 
them. So they tooke tliem downe into the 
cabin, and gave them so much wine and aqua 
vitae, that they were all merrie j and one of them 



* This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Man- 
hattan — Noordt — Montaififne and Mauritius river. 



MAKES A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY. 99 

had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as 
any of our countrey women would do in a strange 
place. In the end, one of them was drunke, 
which had been aboarde of our ship all the time 
that we had beene there, and that was strange to 
them, for they could not tell how to take it*.'* 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious ex- 
periment, that the natives were an honest, social 
race of jolly rojsters, who had no objection to a 
drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups, 
the old commodore chuckled hugely to himself, 
and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his 
cheek, directed master Juet to have it carefully 
recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural 
philosophers of the university of Leyden — which 
done, he proceeded on his voyage, with great self- 
complacency. After sailing, however, above a 
hundred miles up the river, he found the watery 
w^orld around him began to grow more shallow 
and confined, the current more rapid, and per- 
fectly fresh — phenomena not uncommon in the 
ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the honest 
Dutchmen prodigiously. A consultation was 
therefore called, and having deliberated full six 
hours, they were brought to a determination by 
the ship's running aground — whereupon they 
unanimously concluded that there was but little 
chance of getting to China in this direction. A 
boat, however, was despatched to explore higher 

* Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil. 

II 2 



100 HUDSON MUNIFICENTLY REWARDED. 

up the river, which, on its return, confirmed the 
opinion. Upon this the ship was warped off 
and put about with great difficulty, being, like 
most of her sex, exceedingly hard to govern ; and 
the adventurous Hudson, according to the ac- 
count of my great great grandfather, returned 
down the river — with a prodigious flea in his ear ! 
Being satisfied that there was little likelihood 
of getting to China, unless, like the blind man, he 
returned from whence he sat out, and took a fresh 
start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to Holland, 
where he was received with great welcome by the 
honourable East India company, who were very 
much rejoiced to see him come back safe — with 
their ship ; and at a large and respectable meet- 
ing of the first merchants and burgomasters of 
Amsterdam it was unanimously determined, that 
as a munificent reward for the eminent services 
he had performed, and the important discovery 
he had made, the great river Mohegan should be 
called after his name ! — and it continues to be 
called Hudson river unto this very day. 



ANOTHER EXPEDITION SETS OUT. 101 



CHAPTER II. 

Containing an account of a might]/ Ark "which Jloated, under the 
protection of St. Nicholas,Jrom Holland to Gibbet Island — the 
descent of the strange Animals therefrom — a great victory, and 
a description of the ancient village of Communipavo* 

The delectable accounts given by the great 
Hudson, and master Juet, of the country they had 
discovered, excited not a little talk and specula- 
tion among the good people of Holland. — Letters 
patent were granted by government to an associa- 
tion of merchants, called the West India company, 
for the exclusive trade on Hudson river, on which 
they erected a trading-house called Fort Aurania, 
or Orange, from whence did spring the great city 
of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various 
commercial and colonizing enterprises which took 
place ; among which was that of Mynheer Adrian 
Block, who discovered and gave a name to Block 
Island, since famous for its cheese — and shall 
barely confine myself to that which gave birth to 
this renowned city. 

It was some three or four years after the return 
of the immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest 
Low Dutch colonists set sail from the city of Am- 
sterdam for the shores of America. It is an irre- 
parable loss to history, and a great proof of the 
darkness of the age and the lamentable neglect 



102 DESCRIPTION OF THE GOEDE VROUW. 

of the noble art of book-making, since so indus- 
triously cultivated by knowing sea-captains and 
learned supercargoes, that an expedition so in- 
teresting and important in its results should be 
passed over in utter silence. To my great great 
grandfather am I again indebted for the few facts 
1 am enabled to give concerning it — he having 
once more embarked for this country, with a full 
determination, as he said, of ending his days here 
— and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers, that 
should rise to be great men in the land. 

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers 
set sail was called the Goede VroiitVy or good 
woman, in compliment to the wife of the Pre- 
sident of the West India company, who was allowed 
by everybody (except her husband) to be a sweet 
tempered lady, when not in liquor. It was in 
truth a most gallant vessel, of the most approved 
Dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship- 
carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is well known, 
always model their ships after the fair forms of 
their countrywomen. Accordingly, it had one 
hundred feet in the beam, one hundred feet in the 
keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the 
stern post to the taffarel. Like the beauteous 
model, who was declared to be the greatest belle 
in Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, wdth a pair 
of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal 
a most prodigious poop ! 

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious 
man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, 



ARRIVAL AT GIBBET ISLAND. 103 

such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which 
heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, occa- 
sion the misfortunes and shipwreck of many a 
noble vessel), he, I say, on the contrary, did laud- 
ably erect for a head a goodly image of St. Nicho- 
las, equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a 
huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that 
reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gal- 
lantly furnished, the stanch ship floated sideways, 
like a majestic goose, out of the harbour of the 
great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells, that 
were not otherwise engaged, rung a triple bob- 
major on the joyful occasion. 

My great great grandfather remarks that the 
voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for, being 
under the especial care of the ever-revered St. 
Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be en- 
dowed with qualities unknown to common vessels. 
Thus she made as much lee-way as head-way, 
could get along very nearly as fast with the wind 
a-head as when it was a-poop — and was particu- 
larly great in a calm ; in consequence of which 
singular advantages, she made out to accomplish 
her voyage in a very few months, and came to 
anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little to the 
east of Gibbet Island. 

Here, lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what 
is at present called the Jersey shore, a small In- 
dian village, pleasantly embowered in a grove of 
spreading elms, and the natives all collected on 
the beach, gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede 



104 VICTORY OVER THE NATIVES. 

Vrouw. A boat was immediately despatched to 
enter into a treaty with them, and, approaching 
the shore, hailed them through a trumpet in the 
most friendly terms; but so horridly confounded 
were these poor savages at the tremendous and 
uncouth sound of the Low Dutch language, that 
they one and all took to their heels, scampered 
over the Bergen hills, nor did they stop until they 
had buried themselves, head and ears, in the 
marshes on the other side, where they all miser- 
ably perished to a man — and their bones being 
collected, and decently covered by the Tammany 
Society of that day, formed that singular mound 
called Rattle-snake-hill, which rises out of the 
centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east of 
the Newark Causeway, 

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our va- 
liant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took pos- 
session of the soil as conquerors in the name of 
their High Mightinesses the Lords States General ; 
and, marching fearlessly forward, carried the vil- 
lage of CoMMUNiPAw by storm, notwithstanding 
that it was vigorously defended by some half a 
score of old squaws and poppooses. On looking 
about them they were so transported with the ex- 
cellencies of the place, that they had very little 
doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them 
thither, as the very spot whereon to settle their 
colony. The softness of the soil was wonderfully 
adapted to the driving of piles ; the swamps and 
marshes around them afforded ample opportunities 



SETTLEMENT AT COMMUNIPAW. 105 

for the constructing of dykes and dams ; the shal- 
lowness of the shore was peculiarlyTavourable to the 
building of docks — in a word, this spot abounded 
with all the requisites for the foundation of a 
great Dutch city. On making a faithful report, 
therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they 
one and all determined that this was the destined 
end of their voyage. Accordingly they descended 
from the Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, 
in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from 
the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving 
settlement, which they called by the Indian name 

COMMUNIPAW. 

As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted 
with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat su- 
perfluous to treat of it in the present work ; but 
my readers will please to recollect that, notwith- 
standing it is my chief desire to satisfy the pre- 
sent age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and 
have to consult the understanding and curiosity 
of some half a score of centuries yet to come ; by 
which time perhaps, were it not for this invaluable 
history, the great Communipaw, like Babylon, 
Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities, might 
be perfectly extinct — sunk and forgotten in its 
own mud — its inhabitants turned into oysters*, 
and even its situation a fertile subject of learned 
controversy and hard-headed investigation among 
indefatigable historians. Let me then piously 

* " Men by inaction degenerate into oysters." Kaimcs. 



106 COMMUNIPAW DESCRIBED. 

rescue from oblivion the humble relics of a place, 
which was the egg from whence was hatched the 
mighty city of New York ! 

Communipaw is at present but a small village, 
pleasantly situated, among rural scenery, on that 
beauteous part of the Jersey shore which was 
known in ancient legends by the name of Pavonia*, 
and commands a grand prospect of the superb bay 
of New York. It is within but half an hour's sail 
of the latter place, provided you have a fair wind, 
and may be distinctly seen from the city. Nay, it 
is a well known fact, which I can testify from my 
own experience, that on a clear still summer even- 
ing you may hear, from the battery of New York, 
the obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter 
of the Dutch negroes at Communipaw, who, like 
most other negroes, are famous for their risible 
powers. This is peculiarly the case on Sunday 
evenings ; when, it is remarked by an ingenious 
and observant philosopher, wlio has made great 
discoveries in the neighbourhood of this city, that 
they always laugh loudest — which he attributes to 
the circumstance of their having their holiday 
clothes on. 

These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the 
dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, 
and being infinitely more adventurous and more 
knowing than their masters, carry on all the fo- 
reign trade ; making frequent voyages to town in 

* Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country 
extending from about Hoboken to Amboy. 



CHARACTER OF ITS INHABITANTS. 107 

canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cab- 
bages. They are great astrologers, predicting the 
different changes of weather almost as accurately 
as an almanac — they are moreover exquisite per- 
formers on three-stringed fiddles : in whistling 
they almost boast the far-famed powers of Or- 
pheus's lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the place, 
when at the plough or before the waggon, will 
budge a foot until he hears the well known whistle 
of his black driver and companion. And from 
their amazing skill at casting up accounts upon 
their fingers, they are regarded with as much 
veneration as were the disciples of Pythagoras of 
yore, when initiated into the sacred quaternary of 
numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like 
wise men and sound philosophers, they never look 
beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about 
any affairs out of their immediate neighbourhood; 
so that they live in profound and enviable igno- 
rance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions^ 
of this distracted planet. I am even told that 
many among them do verily believe that Holland, 
of which they have heard so much from tradition, 
is situated somewhere on Long-Island — that Spik- 
ino'-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of 
the world — that the country is still under the do- 
minion of their High Mightinesses, and that the 
city of New York still goes by the name of Nieuw 
Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon, 
at the onlv tavern in the place, which bears as a 



108 THEIR MANNERS, DRESS, LANGUAGE, &c. 

sign a square-headed likeness of the Prince of 
Orange ; where they smoke a silent pipe, by way 
of promoting social conviviality, and invariably 
drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral 
Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping 
the British channel, with a broom at his mast 
head. 

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous 
little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful 
of cities, which are so many strong holds and fast- 
nesses, whither the primitive manners of our Dutch 
forefathers have retreated, and where they are 
cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. 
The dress of the original settlers is handed down 
inviolate from father to son — the identical broad- 
brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad-bot- 
tomed breeches, continue from generation to ge- 
neration; and several gigantic knee-buckles of 
massy silver are still in wear, that made gallant 
display in the days of the patriarchs of Commu- 
nipaw. The language likewise continues unadul- 
terated by barbarous innovations ; and so critically 
correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialect, 
that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm has much 
the same effect on the nerves as the filing of a 
handsaw. 



INTERCOURSE WITH THE INDIANS. 109 



CHAPTER lil. 

In ijohich is set forth the true art of making a bargain — together 
toith the miraculous escape of a great Metropolis in a fog-^ 
and the biography of certain heroes of CommunipaxK. 

Having, in the trifling digression which con- 
cluded the last chapter, discharged the filial duty 
which the city of New York owed to Communi- 
paw, as being the mother settlement ; and having 
given a faithful picture of it as it stands at pre- 
sent, I return with a soothing sentiment of self- 
approbation, to dwell upon its early history. The 
crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced 
by fresh importations from Holland, the settlement 
went joUily on, increasing in magnitude and pro- 
sperity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time 
became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the 
Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually took 
place between them and the new-comers. The 
Indians were much given to long talks, and the 
Dutch to long silence — in this particular, there- 
fore, they accommodated each other completely. 
The chiefs would make long speeches about the 
big bull, the wabash, and the great spirit; to which 
the others would listen very attentively, smoke 
their pipes, and grunt yah^ myn-her — whereat the 
poor savages were wonderously delighted. They 



1 10 WEIGHT OF A DUTCHMAN'S FOOT, 

instructed the new settlers in the best art of 
curing and smoking tobacco; while the latter, in 
return, made them drunk with true Hollands — ■ 
and then learned them the art of making bargains. 

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened : the 
Dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their 
dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing it 
as an invariable table of avoii*dupois, that the 
hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his 
foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians 
were often puzzled by the great disproportion be- 
tween bulk and weight ; for let them place a bundle 
of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a Dutch- 
man put his hand or foot in the other, the 
bundle was sure to kick the beam — never was a 
package of furs know n to weigh more than two 
pounds in the market of Communipaw ! 

This is a singular fact — but I have it direct 
from my great great grandfather, who had risen to 
considerable importance in the colony, being pro- 
moted to the office of weigh-master,. on account of 
the uncommon heaviness of his foot. 

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe 
began now to assume a very thriving appearance, 
and were comprehended under the general title of 
Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the sage Van- 
der Donck observes, of their great resemblance to 
the Dutch Netherlands — which indeed was truly 
remarkable, excepting that the former were rug- 
ged and mountainous, and the latter level and 
marshy. About tins time the tranquillity of the 



SMOKING A MEANS OF SALVATION. 1 1 1 

Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary 
interruption. In l6l4, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, 
sailing under a commission from Dale, governor 
of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements on Hud- 
son river, and demanded their submission to the 
English crown and Virginian dominion. To this 
arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to 
resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet 
and reasonable men. 

It does not appear that the valiant Argal mo- 
lested the settlement of Communipaw: on the con- 
trary, I am told that when his vessel first hove in 
sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such 
a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with 
astonishingvehemence; insomuch that they quickly 
raised a cloud, which, combining with the sur-' 
rounding woods and marshes, completely en- 
veloped and concealed their beloved village, and 
overhuno; the fair regions of Pavonia — So that the 
terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspi- 
cious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay 
snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this 
pestilent vapour. In commemoration of this for- 
tunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have conti- 
nued to smoke, almost without intermission, unto 
this very day; which is said to be the cause of the 
remarkable fog that often hangs over Communipaw 
of a clear afternoon. 

Upon the departure of the enemy, our magnani- 
mous ancestors took full six months to recover 
their wind, having been exceedingly discomposed 



11^ A PERILOUS ENTERPRISE. 

by the consternation and hurry of afiairs. Tliey 
then called a council of safety to smoke over the 
state of the province. After six months more of 
mature deliberation, during which nearly five hun- 
dred words were spoken, and almost as much to- 
bacco was smoked as would have served a certain 
modern general through a whole winter's campaign 
of hard drinking, it was determined to fit out an 
armament of canoes, and despatch them on a voy- 
age of discovery; to search if peradventure some 
more sure and formidable position might not be 
found, where the colony would be less subject to 
vexatious visitations. 

This perilous enterprise was entrusted to the 
superintendence of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kort- 
landt, Abraham Hardenbroeck, JacobusVan Zandt, 
and Winant Ten Broeck — four indubitably great 
men, but of whose history, although I have made 
diligent inquiry, I can learn but little, previous to 
their leaving Holland. Nor need this occasion 
much surprise ; for adventurers, like prophets, 
though they make great noise abroad, have seldom 
much celebrity in their own countries ; but this 
much is certain, that the overflowings and ofF-scour- 
ings of a country are invariably composed of the 
richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot help 
remarking how convenient it would be to many 
of our great men and great families of doubtful 
origin, could they have the privilege of the heroes 
of yore, who, whenever their origin was involved 
in obscurity, modestly announced themselves de- 



A DUTCH DIOGENES. llo 

scended from a god — -and who never visited a fo- 
reign country but what they told some cock and 
bull stories about their being kings and princes 
at home. This venal trespass on the truth, though 
it has occasionally been played off by some pseudo 
marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner, 
in our land of good-natured credulity, has been 
completely discountenanced in this sceptical, mat- 
ter of fact age — and I even question whether any 
tender virgin, who was accidentally and unac- 
countably enriched with a bantling, would save 
her character at parlour fire-sides and evening 
tea-parties, by ascribing the phenomenon to a swan, 
a shower of gold, or a river god. 

Thus being denied the benefit of mythology and 
classic fable, I should have been completely at a 
loss as to the early biography of my heroes, had 
not a gleam of light been thrown upon their ori- 
gin from their names. 

By this simple means have I been enabled to 
oi-ather some particulars concerning the adven- 
turers in question. Van Kortlandt, for instance, 
was one of those peripatetic philosophers, who 
taxProvidence for a livelihood, and, like Diogenes, 
enjoy a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine. 
He was usually arrayed in garments suitable to 
his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangledby 
the hand of time ; and was helmeted with an old 
fragment of a hat, which had acquired the shape 
of a sugar-loaf; and so far did he carry his con- 

I 



1 14< A SON OF THE EARTH. 

tempt for the adventitious distinction of dress, 
that it is said the remnant of a shirt, which covered 
his back, and dangled like a pocket-handker- 
chief out of a hole in his breeches, was never 
washed, except by the bountiful showers of heaven. 
In this garb was he usually to be seen, sunning 
himself at noon-day, with a herd of philosophers 
of the same sect, on the side of the great canal of 
Amsterdam. Like your nobility of Europe, he 
took his name of Kortlandt (or lack land) from his 
landed estate, which lay somewhere in terra in- 
cognita. 

Of the next of our worthies, might I have had 
the benefit of mythological assistance, the want of 
which I have just lamented, I should have made 
honourable mention, as boasting equally illustrious 
pedigree with the proudest hero of antiquity. His 
name was Van Zandt, which being freely trans- 
lated, signifies, Jrom the dirty meaning, beyond a 
doubt, that like Triptolemus, Themis, the Cy- 
clops and the Titans, he sprung from Dame Terra, 
or the earth ! This supposition is strongly corro- 
borated by his size, for it is well known that all 
the progeny of mother earth were of a gigantic 
stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall 
raw-boned man, above six feet high— with an 
astonishingly hardhead. Nor is this origin of the 
illustrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable 
or repugnant to belief than what is related and 
universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or 



TOUGH BREECHES AND TIN BREECHES. 115 

rather richest men; who, we are told with the ut- 
most gravity, did originally spring from a dung- 
hill ! 

Of the third hero but a faint description has 
reached to this time, which mentions that he was 
a sturdy, obstinate, burly, bustling little man ; and 
from being usually equipped with an old pair of 
buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck, 
or Tough Breeches. 

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adven- 
turers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, which, 
were I not scrupulous in recording the whole truth, 
I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, 
as incompatible with the gravity and dignity of 
history, that this worthy gentleman should like- 
wise have been nicknamed from the most whim- 
sical part of his dress. In fact, the small-clothes 
seems to have been a very important garment in 
the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing in all 
probability to its really being the largest article of 
raiment among them. The name of Ten Broeck, 
or Tin Broeck, is indifferently translated into Ten 
Breeches and Tin Breeches — the High Dutch com- 
mentators incline to the former opinion ; and 
ascribe it to his being the first who introduced into 
the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wear- 
ing ten pair of breeches. But the most elegant 
and ingenious writers on the subject declare in 
favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches ; fi'om 
whence they infer that he was a poor, but merry 
rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the sound- 

I 2 



116 



VAN KORTLANDT A PROPHET. 



est, and who was the identical author of that truly 
philosophical stanza : 

" Then why should we quarrel for riches, 

Or any such glittering toys ? 
A light heart and thin pair of breeches 

Will go through the world, my brave boys !" 

Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct 
this voyage into unknown realms, and the whole 
was put under the superintending care and direc- 
tion of Oloife Van Kortlandt, who was held in 
great reverence among the sages of Communipaw, 
for the variety and darkness of his knowledge. 
Having, as I before observed, passed a great part 
of his life in the open air, among the peripatetic 
philosophers of Amsterdam, he had become amaz- 
ingly well acquainted with the aspect of the hea- 
vens, and could as accurately determine when a 
storm was brewing, or a squall rising, as a dutiful 
husband can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, 
when a tempest is gathering about his ears. He 
was moreover a great seer of ghosts and goblins, 
and a iirm believer in omens ; but what especially 
recommended him to public confidence was his 
marvellous talent at dreaming, for there never was 
any thing of consequence happened at Commu- 
nipaw but what he declared he had previously 
dreamt it ; being one of those infallible prophets, 
who always predict events after they have come 
to pass. 

This supernatural gift was as highly valued 



MANY BENEFITS OF SLEEP. 11? 

among the burghers ofPavoniaas it was among 
the enlightened nations of antiquity. The wise 
Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than 
his waking moments for all his subtle achieve- 
ments, and seldom undertook any great exploit 
without first soundly sleeping upon it; and the 
same may truly be said of the good Van Kortlandt, 
who was thence aptly denominated OlofFe the 
Dreamer. 

This cautious commander having chosen the 
crews that should accompany him in the proposed 
expedition, exhorted them to repair to their homes, 
take a good night's rest, settle all family affairs, 
and make their wills, before departing on this 
voyage into unknown realms. And indeed this 
last was a precaution always taken by our fore- 
fathers, even in after times, when they became more 
adventurous, and voyaged to Haverstraw, or Kaat- 
skill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other far country 
that lay beyond the great waters of the Tappaan 
Zee. 



118 GOLDEN CLOUDS AND TIN WEATHERCOCKS. 



CHAPTER IV. 

Holv the heroes of Communipaixi voyaged to Hell-Gnte, and how 
thetj tvere received there. 

And now the rosy blush of morn began to 
mantle in the east, and soon the rising sun, 
emerging from amidst golden and purple clouds, 
shed his blithsome rays on the tin weathercocks of 
Communipaw. It was that delicious season of the 
year when nature, breaking from the chilling 
thraldom of old winter, like a blooming damsel 
from the tyranny of a sordid old father, threw her- 
self, blushing with ten thousand charms, into the 
arms of youthful spring. Every tufted copse and 
blooming grove resounded with the notes of 
hymeneal love. The very insects, as they sipped 
the dew that gemmed the tender grass of the 
meadows, joined in the joyous epithalamium — the 
virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, " the 
voice of the turtle was heard in the land," and the 
heart of man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh! 
sweet Theocritus! had I thine oaten reed, where- 
with thou erst didst charm the gay Sicilian plains 
— Or oh ! gentle Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein 
the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much de- 
lighted, then might I attempt to sing, in soft 



THE EXPEDITION DEPARTS. 119 

Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, the rural beauties 
of the scene — but having nothing, save this jaded 
goose-quill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must 
fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, and 
pursue my narrative in humble prose ; comforting 
myself with the hope, that though it may not 
steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, 
yet may it commend itself with virgin modesty 
to his better judgment, clothed in the chaste and 
simple garb of truth. 

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus 
dart into the windows of Communipaw than the 
little settlement was all in motion. Forth issued 
from his castle the sage Van Kortlandt, and seizing 
a conch shell, blew a far resounding blast, that 
soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did 
they trudge resolutely down to the water-side, 
escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, 
who all went down, as the common phrase expresses 
it, '* to see them off.*' And this shows the antiquity 
of those long family processions, often seen in our 
city, composed of all ages, sizes, and sexes, laden 
with bundles and bandboxes, escorting some bevy 
of country cousins, about to depart for home in a 
market-boat. 

The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squa- 
dron of three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board 
a little round Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, 
which had formerly been the jolly boat of the 
Goede Vrouw. And now, all being embarked, 
they bid farewell to the gazing throng upon the 



120 CURIOL'S ORIGIN OF TWO ISLANDS. 

beach, who continued shouting after them, even 
when out of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, 
advising them to take good care of themselves, not 
to get drowned — with an abundance other of those 
sage and invaluable cautions, generally given by 
landsmen to such as go down to the sea in ships, 
and adventure upon the deep waters. In the mean 
while the voyagers cheerily urged their course 
across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left 
behind them the green shores of ancient Pavonia. 
And first they touched at two small islands 
which lie nearly opposite Communipaw, and which 
are said to have been brought into existence about 
the time of the great irruption of the Hudson, when 
it broke through the Highlands and made its Avay 
to the ocean*. For in this tremendous uproar of 
the waters, we are told that many huge fragments 
of rock and land were rent from the mountains 
and swept down by this runaway river for sixty 

* It is a matter long since established by certain of our phi- 
losophers, that is to say, having been often advanced, and never 
contradicted, it has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled 
fact, that the Hudson was originally a lake, dammed up by the 
mountains of the Highlands. In process of time, however, 
becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains 
waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of 
their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and after a 
violent struggle effected its escape. This is said to have come 
to pass in very remote time, probably before that rivers had lost 
the art of running up hill. The foregoing is a theory in which 
I do not pretend to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully 
give it my belief. 



AX AUSPICIOUS OMEN. 1'21 

or seventy miles ; where some of tliem ran aground 
on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and form- 
ed the identical islands in question, while others 
drifted out to sea, and were never heard of more! 
A sufficient proof of the fact is, that the rock which 
forms the bases of these islands is exactly similar 
to that of the Highlands ; and moreover one of our 
philosophers, w-ho has diligently compared the 
agreement of their respective surfaces, has even 
gone so far as to assure me, in confidence, that 
Gibbet Island was originally nothing more nor less 
than a wart on Anthony's nose*. 

Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next 
coasted by Governor's Island, since terrible from 
its frowning fortress and grinning batteries. They 
would by no means, however, land upon this island, 
since thev doubted much it mio;ht be the abode 
of demons and spirits, which in those days did 
greatly abound throughout this savage and pagan 
country. 

Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came 
rolling and tumbling by, turning up their sleek 
sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny element 
in sparkling showers. No sooner did the sage 
Oloffe mark this than he was greatly rejoiced. 
*' This,'" exclaimed he, *' if I mistake not, augurs 
well — the porpoise is a fat, well conditioned fish — 
a burgomaster among fishes — his looks betoken 
ease, plenty, and prosperity — I greatly admire this 

* A promontory in the Highlands. 



122 A PARTY OF NATIVES DESCRIED. 

round fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy 
omen of the success of our undertaking." So 
saying, he directed his squadron to steer in the 
track of these alderman fishes. 

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they 
swept up the strait, vulgarly called the East River. 
And here the rapid tide which courses through 
this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in which 
Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked, hurried 
it forward with a velocity unparalleled in a Dutch 
boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch that the 
good commodore, who had all his life long been 
accustomed only to the drowsy navigation of ca- 
nals, was more than ever convinced that they were 
in the hands of some supernatural power, and that 
the jolly porpoises were towing them to some fair 
haven that was to fulfil all their wishes and ex- 
pectations. 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they 
doubled that boisterous point of land, since called 
Corlear's Hook*, and leaving to the right the rich 
winding cove of the Wallabout, they drifted into 
a magnificent expanse of water, surrounded by 
pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly 
refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were 
looking around them, on what they conceived to 
be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld at a di- 
stance a crew of painted savages, busily employed 
in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this 

• Properly spelt hoeck (i. e. a point of" land). 



INTREPIDITY OF HENDRICK KIP. 123 

romantic region— their slender canoe lightly ba- 
lanced like a feather on tlie undulating surface of 
the bay. 

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of 
Communipaw were not a little troubled. But as 
good fortune would have it, at the bow of the com- 
modore's boat was stationed a very valiant man, 
named Hendrick Kip (which being interpreted, 
means chidien^ a name given him in token of his 
courage). No sooner did he behold these varlet 
heathens than he trembled with excessive valour, 
and although a good half mile distant, he seized a 
musquetoon that lay at hand, and turning away 
his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the 
blessed sun. Tiie blundering weapon recoiled, 
and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick, 
that laid him prostrate with uplifted heels in the 
bottom of the boat. But such was the effect of 
this tremendous fire, that the wild men of the 
woods, struck with consternation, seized hastily 
upon their paddles, and shot away into one of the 
deep inlets of the Long Island shore. 

This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy 
voyagers, and in honour of the achievement they 
gave the name of the valiant Kip to the surround- 
ing bay, and it has continued to be called Kip*s 
Bay from that time to the present. The heart 
of the good Van Kortlandt — who, having no land 
of his own, was a great admirer of other people's— 
expanded at the sumptuous prospect of rich un- 
settled country around him, and falling into a de- 
licious reverie, he straightway began to riot in the 



1S4 ORIGIN OF A FAMILY FEUD. 

possession of vast meadows of salt marsli and in- 
terminable patches of cabbages. From this de- 
lectable vision he was all at once awakened by the 
sudden turning of the tide, which would soon have 
hurried him from this land of promise, had not the 
discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore ; 
where they accordingly landed, hard by the rocky 
heights of Bellevue — that happy retreat, where 
our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the city, 
and fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic 
solemnities. 

Here, seated on the green sward, by the side of 
a small stream that ran sparkling among the grass, 
they refreshed themselves after the toils of the 
seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores which 
they had provided for this perilous voyage. Thus 
having well fortified their deliberative powers, they 
fell into an earnest consultation what was further 
to be done. This was the first council dinner ever 
eaten at Bellevue by Christian burghers, and here, 
as tradition relates, did originate the great family 
feud between the Hardenbroecks and the Ten- 
broecks, which afterwards had a singular influence 
on the building of the city. The sturdy Harden- 
broeck, whose eyes had been wonderously delighted 
with the salt marshes that spread their reeking 
bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's 
Bay, counselled by all means to return thither, 
and found the intended city. This was strenuously 
opposed by the unbending Ten Broeck, and many 
testy arguments passed between them. The par- 
ticulars of this controversy have not reached us, 



•RFFECTS OF TOUGH BREECHES' WRATH. 125 

which is ever to be lamented ; this much is certain, 
that the sage OlofFe put an end to the dispute, by 
determining to explore still further in the route 
which the mysterious porpoises had so clearly 
pointed out-whereupon the sturdy Tough Breeches 
abandoned the expedition, took possession of a 
neighbouring hill, and in a fit of great wrath 
peopled all that tract of country, which has con- 
tinued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks unto 
this very day. 

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton 
urchin sporting on the side of a green hill, began 
to roll down the declivity of the heavens; and now, 
the tide having once more turned in their favour, 
the resolute Pavonians again committed themselves 
to its discretion, and coasting along the western 
shores, were borne towards the straits of Black- 
well's Island. 

And here the capricious wanderings of the cur- 
rent occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity 
to these illustrious mariners. Now would they 
be caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping 
round a jutting point, would wind deep into some 
romantic little cove, that indented the fair island 
of Manna-hatta ; now were they hurried narrowly 
by the very basis of impending rocks, mantled with 
the flaunting grape vine, and crowned with groves 
that threw a broad shade on the waves beneath; 
and anon they were borne away into the mid- 
channel, and wafted along with a rapidity that 
very much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, 
who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on either 



126 THE EXPEDITION PROCEEDS 

side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma 
was giving them the slip. 

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new 
creation seemed to bloom around. No signs of 
human thrift appeared to check the delicious wild- 
ness of nature, who here revelled in all her luxu- 
riant variety. Those hills now bristled, like the 
fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars, (vain 
upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion !) 
were then adorned with the vigorous natives of the 
soil ; the lordly oak, the generous chestnut, the 
graceful elm — while here and there the tulip-tree 
reared his majestic head, the giant of the forest. — 
Where now are seen the gay retreats of luxury — 
villas half buried in twilight-bowers, whence the 
amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some 
city swain — there the fish hawk built his solitary 
nest, on some dry tree that overlooked his watery 
domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along 
those shores now hallowed by the lover's moon- 
light walk, and printed by the slender foot of 
beauty; and a savage solitude extended over those 
happy regions, where now are reared the stately 
towers of the Jones's, the Schermerliornes, and 
the Rhinelanders. 

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these 
new and unknown scenes, the gallant squadron of 
Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory, that 
strutted forth boldly into the waves, and seemed 
to frown upon them as they brawled against its 
base. This is the bluff well known to modern 
mariners by the name of Grade's Point, from the 



THROUGH A DELIGHTFUL COUNTRY. 1^7 

fair castle, which, like an elephant, it carries upon 
its back. And here broke upon their view a wild 
and varied prospect, where land and water were 
beauteously intermingled, as though they had com- 
bined to heighten and set off each other's charms. 
To the right lay the sedgy point of BlackwelPs 
Island, dressed in the fresh garniture of living 
green — beyond it stretched the pleasant coast of 
Sundswick, and the small harbour well known by 
the name of Hallett's cove — a place infamous in 
latter days, by reason of its being the haunt of 
pirates who infest these seas, robbing orchards 
and water-melon patches, and insulting gentlemen 
navigators, when voyaging in their pleasure boats. 
To the left a deep bay, or rather creek, gracefully 
receded between shores fringed with forests, and 
forming a kind of vista, through which were beheld 
the sylvan regions of Haerlem, Morrissania, and 
East Chester. Here the eye reposed with delight 
on a richly wooded country, diversified by tufted 
knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving lines of 
upland, swelling above each other ; while over the 
whole the purple mists of spring diffused a hue 
of soft voluptuousness. 

Just before them the grand course of the stream 
making a sudden bend wound among embowered 
promontories and shores of emerald verdure, that 
seemed to melt into the wave. A character of 
gentleness and mild fertility prevailed around. 
The sun had just descended, and the thin haze of 
twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over the 



l^y A SUDDEN DISASTER. 

bosom of virgin beauty, heightened the charms 
which it half concealed. 

Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah ! 
hapless voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on 
these Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor 
easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a 
wicked world — treacherous are its smiles ! fatal 
its caresses ! He who yields to its enticements 
launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his 
feeble bark among the dimpHng eddies of a 
whirlpool ! And thus it fared with the worthies 
of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful 
scene before them, drifted quietly on, until they 
were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agi- 
tation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling 
current began to brawl around them, and the 
waves to boil and foam with horrific fury. 
Awakened as if from a dream, the astonished 
Oloffe bawled aloud to put about — but his words 
were lost amid the roaring of the waters. And 
now ensued a scene of direful consternation — at 
one time they were borne with dreadful velocity 
among tumultuous breakers, at another hurried 
down boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly 
dashed upon the Hen and Chickens ; (infamous 
rocks ! — more voracious than Scylla and her 
whelps) and anon they seemed sinking into 
yawning gulfs, that threatened to entomb them 
beneath the waves. All the elements combined 
to produce a hideous confusion. The waters 
raged — the winds howled — and as they were 



THE COMMODORE IN "THE POT." 129 

huiTied along, several of the astonished mariners 
beheld the rocks and trees of the neighbouring 
shores driving through the air ! 

At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van 
Kortlandt was drawn into the vortex of that tre- 
mendous whirlpool called the Pot, where it was 
whirled about in giddy mazes, until the senses of 
the good commander and his crew were over- 
pov/ered by the horror of the scene and the 
strangeness of the revolution. 

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was 
snatched from the jaws of this modern Charybdis 
has never been truly made known, for so many 
survived to tell the tale, and, what is still more 
wonderful, told it in so many diiferent ways, that 
there has ever prevailed a great variety of opi- 
nions on the subject. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when they 
came to their senses they found themselves 
stranded on the Long Island shore. The worthy 
commodore, indeed, used to relate many and won- 
derful stories of his adventures in this time of peril; 
how that he saw spectres flying in the air, and heard 
the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the 
Pot when they were whirled around, and found the 
water scalding hot, and beheld several uncouth 
looking beings seated on rocks and skimming it 
with huge ladles — but particularly he declared 
with great exultation, that he saw the losel por- 
poises, which had betrayed them into this peril, 
some broiling on the Gridiron, and others hissing 
in the Frying-pan ! 

These, however, were considered by many as 

K 



130 THE DEVIL FIDDLING AT HELL-GATE. 

mere phantasies of the commodore's imagination, 
while he lay in a trance ; especially as he was 
known to be given to dreaming ; and the truth of 
them has never been clearly ascertained. It is 
certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloife 
and his followers may be traced the various tradi- 
tions handed down of this marvellous strait — as 
how the devil has been seen there, sitting astride 
of the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle — how 
he broils fish there before a storm ; and many other 
stories, in which we must be cautious of putting 
too much faith. In consequence of all these ter- 
rific circumstances, the Pavonian commander gave 
this pass the name o? Helle-gat^ or as it has been 
interpreted, Hell-gate^ ; which it continues to bear 
at the present day. 

* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six 
miles above New York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless 
under the care of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, 
shelves, and whirlpools. These have received sundry appella- 
tions, such as the Gridiron, Fryingpan, Hog's Back, Pot, &c. 
and are very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide. 
Certain wise men who instruct these modern days have softened 
the above characteristic name into Hurl-gate, which means 
nothing. I leave them to give their own etymology. The name 
as given by our author is supported by the map in Vander 
Donck's history, published in 165G — by Ogilvie's History of 
America, I67I — as also by a journal still extant, written in the 
16th century, and to be found in Hazard's State Papers. And 
an old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations in 
names about this city, observes, " De Helle-gat trou d'Enfer, ils 
out fait Hell-gate, Porte d'Enfer." 



THE SQUADRON DISPERSED. 131 



CHAPTER V. 

Hoiv the heroes of Commjinipatv returned son^cxvhat xmser than 
they went — and hotv the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the 
dream that lie dreamed. 

The darkness of night had closed upon this dis- 
astrous day, and a doleful night was it to the ship- 
wrecked Pavonians, whose ears were incessantly 
assailed with the raging of the elements, and the 
howling of the hobgoblins that infested this per- 
fidious strait. But when the morning dawned, the 
horrors of the preceding evening had passed away; 
rapids, breakers, and whirlpools had disappeared ; 
the stream again ran smooth and dimpling, and 
having changed its tide, rolled gently back to- 
wards the quarter where lay their much regretted 
home. 

The wo-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed 
each other with rueful countenances; their squa- 
dron had been totally dispersed by the late disas- 
ter. Some were cast upon the western shore, 
where, headed by one Ruleff Hopper, they took 
possession of all the country lying about the six 
mile-stone ; which is held by the Hoppers at this 
present writing. 

The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather 
to a distant coast, where, having with them a jug of 
genuine Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate 
the savages, setting up a kind of tavern ; from 

K 2 



132 TEN BREECHES SURE LIFE-PRESERVERS. 

whence, it is said, did spring the fair town of Haer- 
lem, in which their descendants have ever since 
continued to be reputable pubHcans. As to the 
Suydams, they were thrown upon the Long-Island 
coast, and may still be found in those parts. But 
the most singular luck attended the great Ten 
Broeck, who, falling overboard, was miraculously 
preserved from sinking by the multitude of his 
nether garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on 
the waves, like a merman, until he landed safely 
on a rock, where he was found the next morning 
busily drying his many breeches in the sunshine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of our 
adventurers — how they determined that it M^ould 
not do to found a city in this diabolical neighbour- 
hood — and how at length, with fear and trembling, 
they ventured once more upon the briny element, 
and steered their course back for Communipaw. 
Suffice it, in simple brevity, to say, that after toil- 
ing back through the scenes of their yesterday's 
voyage, they at length opened the southern point 
of Manna-hata, and gained a distant view of their 
beloved Communipaw. 

And here they were opposed by an obstinate 
eddy, that resisted all the eflbrts of the exhausted 
mariners. Weary and dispirited, they could no 
longer make head against the power of the tide, or 
rather, as some will have it, of old Neptune, who, 
anxious to guide them to a spot, whereon should 
be founded his strong hold in this western world, 
sent half a score of potent billows, that rolled the 



EFFECTS OF A HEARTY MEAL. 133 

tub of commodore Van Kortlandt high and dry 
on the shores of Manna-hata. 

Having thus in a manner been guided by super- 
natural power to this dehghtful island, their first 
care was to light a fire at the foot of a large tree, 
that stood upon the point at present called the 
battery. Then gathering together great store of 
oysters which abounded on the shore, and empty- 
ing the contents of their wallets, they prepared 
and made a sumptuous council repast. The worthy 
Van Kortlandt was observed to be particularly 
zealous in his devotions to the trencher; for having 
the cares of the expedition especially committed 
to his care, he deemed it incumbent on him to 
eat profoundly for the public good. In propor- 
tion as he filled himself to the very brim with the 
dainty viands before him, did the heart of this ex- 
cellent Burgher rise up towards his throat, until 
he seemed crammed and almost choked with good 
eating and good nature. And at such times it is, 
when a man's heart is in his throat, that he may 
more truly be said to speak from it, and his speeches 
abound with kindness and good fellowship. Thus 
the worthy Oloffe having swallowed the last pos- 
sible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent 
potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole 
frame in a manner dilating with unbounded bene- 
volence. Every thing around him seemed excel- 
lent and delightful J and, laying his hands on each 
side of his capacious periphery, and rolling his 
half closed eyes around on the beautiful diversity 
of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in a 



134 VAN KORTLANDT'S DREAM. 

fat half smothered voice, " What a charming pro- 
spect !'* The words died away in his throat^ — he 
seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a moment 
— his eyelids heavily closed over their orbs- — his 
head drooped upon his bosom — he slowly sunk 
upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gra- 
dually upon him. 

And the sage OlofFe dreamed a dream — and lo, 
the good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops 
of the trees, in that self same waggon wherein he 
brings his yearly presents to children ; and he came 
and descended hard by where the heroes of Com- 
munipaw had made their late repast. And the 
shrewd Van Kortlandt knew him by his broad hat, 
his long pipe, and the resemblance which he bore 
to the figure on the bow of the Goede Vrouw. And 
he lit his pipe by the fire, and sat himself down 
and smoked; and as he smoked the smoke from his 
pipe ascended into the air, and spread like a cloud 
over head. And OlofFe bethought him, and he 
hastened and climbed up to the top of one of the 
tallest trees, and saw that the smoke spread over a 
great extent of country — and as he considered it 
more attentively, he fancied that the great volume 
of smoke assumed a variety of marvellous forms, 
where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed out pa- 
laces and domes and lofty spires, all which lasted 
but a moment, and then faded away, until the 
whole rolled off, and nothing but the green woods 
were left. And when St. Nicliolas had smoked 
his pipe, he twisted it in his hatband, and laying 
his finger beside his nose, gave the astonished Van 



ITS INTERPRETATION. 135 

Kortlandt a very significant look ; then mounting 
his waggon, he returned over the tree tops and dis- 
appeared. 

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly 
instructed, and he aroused his companions, and re- 
lated to them his dream ; and interpreted it, that 
it was the will of St. Nicholas that they should 
settle down and build the city here : and that the 
smoke of the pipe was a type how vast should be 
the extent of the city; inasmuch as the volumes of 
its smoke should spread over a wide extent of 
country. And they all with one voice assented to 
this interpretation, excepting Mynher TenBroeck, 
who declared the meaning to be that it should be 
a city wherein a little fire should occasion a great 
smoke, or in other words, a very vapouring little 
city — both which interpretations have strangely 
come to pass ! 

The great object of their perilous expedition, 
therefore, being thus happily accomplished, the 
voyagers returned merrily to Communipaw, where 
they were received with great rejoicings. And 
here, calling a general meeting of all the wise men 
and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they related the 
whole history of their voyage, and of the dream of 
Oloflfe Van Kortlandt. And the people lifted up 
their voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas, and 
from that time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was 
held in more honour than ever, for his great talent 
at dreaming, and was pronounced a most useful 
citizen and a right good man — when he was asleep. 



136 AN ATTEMPT AT THE ETYMOLOGY 



CHAPTER VI. 

Containing an attempt at etymology — and of the founding of the 
great city of New- Amsterdam. 

The original name of the island wherein the 
squadron of Commimipaw was thus propitiously 
thrown is a matter of some dispute, and has 
already undergone considerable vitiation — a me- 
lancholy proof of the instability of all sublunary 
things, and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting 
fame ; for w^ho can expect his name will live to 
posterity, when even the names of mighty islands 
are thus soon lost in contradiction and uncertainty ! 

The name most current at the present day, and 
which is likewise countenanced by the great his- 
torian Vander Donck, is Manhattan ; which is 
said to have originated in a custom among the 
squaws, in the early settlement, of wearing men's 
hats, as is still done among many tribes. *' Hence,*' 
as we are told by an old governor who was some- 
what of a wag, and flourished almost a century 
since, and had paid a visit to the wits of Phila- 
delphia, *' Hence arose the appellation of man- 
hat-on, first given to the Indians, and afterwards 
to the island" — a stupid joke ! — but well enough 
for a governor. 

Among the more venerable sources of informa- 
tion on this subject, is that valuable history of the 



OF THE NAME MANHATTAN. 137 

American possessions, written by Master Richard 
Blome in I687, wherein it is called Manhadaes 
and Manahanent ; nor must I forget the excellent 
little book, full of precious matter, of that au- 
thentic historian, John Josselyn, Gent, who ex- 
pressly calls it Manadaes. 

Another etymology still more ancient, and 
sanctioned by the countenance of our ever to be 
lamented Dutch ancestors, is that found in certain 
letters still extant*, which passed between the 
early governors and their neighbouring powers, 
wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes — 
Munhatos and Manhattoes, which are evidently 
unimportant variations of the same name ; for our 
wise forefathers set little store by those niceties 
either in orthography or orthoepy, which form the 
sole study and ambition of many learned men and 
women of this hypercritical age. This last name 
is said to be derived from the great Indian spirit 
Manetho ; who was supposed to make this island 
his favourite abode, on account of its uncommon 
delights. For the Indian traditions affirm that the 
bay was once a translucid lake, iilled with silver 
and golden fish, in the midst of which lay this 
beautiful island, covered with every variety of 
fruits and flowers ; but that the sudden irruption 
of the Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, 
and Manetho took his flight beyond the great 
waters of Ontario. 

* Vid. Hazard's Co!. Stat. Pap. 



138 EMIGRATION FROM COMMUNIPAW 

These, however, are fabulous legends, to whicn 
very cautious credence must be given; and al- 
though I am willing to admit the last quoted 
orthography of the name as very suitable for 
prose, yet is there another one founded on still 
more ancient and indisputable authority, which 
I particularly delight in, seeing that it is at once 
poetical, melodious, and significant— and this is 
recorded in the before mentioned voyage of the 
great Hudson, written by master Juet ; who 
clearly and correctly calls it Manna-hata — that 
is to say, the island of Manna, or in other words 
• — " a land flowing with milk and honey!" 

It having been solemnly resolved that the seat 
of empire should be transferred from the green 
shores of Pavonia to this delectable island, a vast 
multitude embarked, and migrated across the 
mouth of the Hudson, under the guidance of 
OlofFe the Dreamer, who was appointed protector 
or patroon to the new settlement. 

And here let me bear testimony to the matchless 
honesty and magnanimity of our worthy forefa- 
thers, who purchased the soil of the native Indians 
before erecting a single roof; a circumstance sin- 
gular and almost incredible in the annals of disco- 
very and colonization. 

The first settlement was made on the south-west 
point of the island, on the very spot where the 
good St. Nicholas had appeared in the dream. 
Here they built a mighty and impregnable fort 
and trading house, called Fort Amsterdam, which 



TO A NEW SETTLEMENT. 139 

stood on that eminence at present occupied by the 
custom-house, with the open space now called the 
bowling-green in front. 

Around this potent fortress w^as soon seen a 
numerous progeny of little Dutch houses, with 
tiled roofs, all which seemed most lovingly to 
nestle under its walls, like a brood of half fledged 
chickens sheltered under the wings of the mother 
hen. The whole was surrounded by an inclosure 
of strong palisadoes, to guard against any sudden 
irruption of the savages, who wandered in hordes 
about the swamps and forests that extended over 
those tracts of country at present called Broad- 
way, Wall-street, William-street, and Pearl-street. 

No sooner was the colony once planted than it 
took root, and throve amazingly; for it would 
seem that this thrice favoured island is like a mu- 
nificent dunghill, where every foreign weed finds 
kindly nourishment, and soon shoots up and ex- 
pands to greatness. 

And now the infant settlement having advanced 
in age and stature, it was thought high time it 
should receive an honest christian name, and it 
was accordingly called New-Amsterdam. It is 
true there were some advocates for the original 
Indian name, and many of the best writers of the 
province did long continue to call it by the title 
of " The Manhattoes ;" but this was discounte- 
nanced by the authorities, as being heathenish and 
savage. Besides, it was considered an excellent 
and praiseworthy measure to name it after a great 



140 FEUD BREAKS OUT BETWEEN 

city of the old world ; as by that means it was in- 
duced to emidate the greatness and renown of its 
namesake — in the manner that little snivelling 
urchins are called after great statesmen, saints, 
and worthies, and renowned generals of yore, 
upon which they all industriously copy their 
examples, and come to be very mighty men in their 
day and generation. 

The thriving state of the settlement, and the 
rapid increase of houses, gradually awakened the 
good OloiFe from a deep lethargy, into which he 
had fallen after the building of the fort. He now 
began to think it was time some plan should be 
devised, on which the increasing town should be 
built. Summoning, therefore, his counsellors and 
coadjutors together, they took pipe in mouth, and 
forthwith sunk into a very sound deliberation on 
the subject. 

At the very outset of the business an unexpected 
difference of opinion arose, and I mention it with 
much sorrowing, as being the first altercation on 
record in the councils of New- Amsterdam. It was 
a breaking forth of the grudge and heartburning 
that had existed between those tw^o eminent 
burghers, Mynhers Tenbroeck and Hardenbroeck, 
ever since their unhappy altercation on the coast of 
Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had waxed 
very wealthy and powerful, from his domains, 
which embraced the whole chain of Apulean moun- 
tains that stretch along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and 
from part of which his descendants have been ex- 



TOUGH BREECHES AND TEN BREECHES. 141 

pelled in latter ages, by the powerful clans of the 
Jones's and the Schermerhorns. 

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by 
Mynher Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should 
be cut up and intersected by canals, after the 
manner of the most admired cities in Holland. 
To this Mynher Hardenbroeck was diametrically 
opposed, suggesting in place thereof, that they 
should run out docks and wharfs, by means of 
piles, dpiven into the bottom of the river, on which 
the town should be built. By these means, said 
he triumphantly, shall we rescue a considerable 
space of territory from these immense rivers, and 
build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, 
or any amphibious city in Europe. To this pro- 
position. Ten Broeck (or Ten Breeches) replied, 
with a look of as much scorn as he could possibly 
assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the 
plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and 
against the very order of things, as he would leave 
to every true Hollander. " For what," said he^ 
" is a town without canals ? — it is like a body 
without veins and arteries, and must perish for 
want of a free circulation of the vital fluid." — 
Tough Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a 
sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat 
of an arid, dry-boned habit : he remarked, that as 
to the circulation of the blood being necessary to 
existence, Mynher Ten Breeches was a living con- 
tradiction to his own assertion ; for every body 
knew there had not a drop of blood circulated 



142 TOUGH BREECHES HAS THE BEST BOTTOM. 

through his wind-dried carcass for good ten years, 
and yet there was not a greater busy body in the 
whole colony. Personalities have seldom much 
effect in making converts in argument — nor have I 
ever seen a man convinced of error by being con- 
victed of deformity. At least such was not the 
case at present. Ten Breeches was very acri-^ 
monious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who was a 
sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word, 
rejoined with increasing spirit — Ten Breeches had 
the advantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough 
Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in ar- 
gument called obstinacy — Ten Breeches had, 
therefore, the most mettle, but Tough Breeclies 
the best bottom — so that though Ten Breeches 
made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and 
battered and belaboured him with hard words and 
sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on 
most resolutely to the last. They parted, there- 
fore, as is usual in all arguments where both parties 
are in the right, without coming to any conclusion 
— ^but they hated each other most heartily for ever 
after, and a similar breach with that between the 
houses of Capulet and Montague did ensue be- 
tween the families of Ten Breeches and Tough 
Breeches. 

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull 
matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful his- 
torian requires that I should be particular — and 
in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period, 
when our city, like a young twig, first received the 



EXTRACT FROM THE RECORDS. 143 

twists and turns that have since contributed to 
give it the present picturesque irregularity for 
which it is celebrated, I cannot be too minute in 
detailing their first causes. 

After the unhappy altercation I have just men- 
tioned, I do not find that any thing further was 
said on the subject worthy of being recorded. The 
council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads 
in the community, met regularly once a week, to 
ponder on this momentous subject. But either 
they were deterred by the war of words they had 
witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the 
exercise of the tongue, and the consequent exercise 
of the brains — certain it is, the most profound si- 
lence was maintained — the question as usual lay 
on the table — the members quietly smoked their 
pipes, making but few laws, without ever enforcing 
any, and in the mean time the affairs of the settle- 
ment went on — as it pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled in 
the mystery of combining pot-hooks and hangers, 
they determined most judiciously not to puzzle 
either themselves or posterity with voluminous 
records. The secretary, however, kept the minutes 
of the council with tolerable precision, in a large 
vellum folio, fastened with massy brass clasps : 
tile journal of each meeting consisted but of two 
lines, stating in Dutch, that ** the council sat this 
day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs of 
the colony." By which it appears that tlie first 
settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but 



144 GROWTH OF THE TOWN. 

pipes, in the same manner as they measure di- 
stances in Holland at this very time ; an admirably 
exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a 
true-born Dutchman is never liable to those 
accidents and irregularities that are continually 
putting our clocks out of order. 

In this manner did the profound council of New- 
Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from 
week to week, month to month, and year to year, 
in what manner they should construct their infant 
settlement — mean while, the town took care of 
itself, and like a sturdy brat which is suffered to 
run about wild, unshackled by clouts and bandages, 
and other abominations by which your notable 
nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure 
the children of men, increased so rapidly in 
strength and magnitude, that before the honest 
burgomasters had determined upon a plan, it was 
too late to put it in execution — whereupon they 
wisely abandoned the subject altogether. 



THE CITY WAXES GREAT. 



14.^ 



CHAPTER VII. 

Holv the city of Neljo- Amsterdam 'waxed great, under the protec- 
tion of Oloffe the Dreamer. 

There is something exceedingly delusive in 
thus looking back, through the long vista of depart- 
ed years, and catching a glimpse of the fairy realms 
of antiquity that lie beyond. Like some goodly 
landscape melting into distance, they receive a 
thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the 
fancy delights to till up their outlines with graces 
and excellencies of its own creation. Thus beam 
on my imagination those happier days of our city, 
when as yet New- Amsterdam was a mere pastoral 
town, shrouded in groves of sycamore and wil- 
lows, and surrounded by trackless forests and wide 
spreading waters, that seemed to shut out all the 
cares and vanities of a wicked world. 

In those days did this embryo city present the 
rare and noble spectacle of a community governed 
without laws ; and thus being left to its own course, 
and the fostering care of Providence, increased as 
rapidly as though it had been burthened with a do- 
zen panniers full of those sage laws that are usually 
heaped on the backs of young cities — in order 
to make them grow. And in this particular I 
greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge 

L 



146 DISAPVANTAGBS OF LAWS. 

of human nature, displayed by the sage OlofFe the 
Dreamer, and his fellow legislators. For my part 
I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many 
of my brother philosophers. I do not think poor 
human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship as 
they would make it out to be ; and as far as I have 
observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to 
himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. 
It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it 
is his duty to go right, that makes him go the very 
reverse. The noble independence of his nature 
revolts at this intolerable tyranny of law, and the 
perpetual interference of officious morality, which 
is ever besetting his path with finger-posts and di- 
rections to " keep to the right, as the law directs ;" 
and like a spirited urchin, he turns directly con- 
trary, and gallops through mud and mire, over 
hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad 
of spirit, and out of his leading-strings. And these 
opinions are amply substantiated by what I have 
above said of our worthy ancestors; who never 
being be-preached and be-lectured, and guided and 
governed by statutes and laws and by-laws, as are 
their more enlightened descendants, did one and 
all demean themselves honestly and peaceably, 
out of pure ignorance, or, in other words — because 
they knew no better. 

Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest 
measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it 
shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, like 
good Christians, they were always ready to serve 



THE PIPE OP ST. NICHOLAS. 1^7 

God, after they had first served themselves. Thus, 
having quietly settled themselves down, and pro- 
vided for their own comfort, they bethought them- 
selves of testifying their gratitude to the great and 
good St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in guid- 
ing them to this delectable abode. To this end 
they built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, 
which they consecrated to his name ; whereupon 
he immediately took the town of New- Amsterdam 
under his peculiar patronage, and he has ever 
since been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the 
tutelar saint of this excellent city. 

I am moreover told that there is a little legend- 
ary book, somewhere extant, written in low Dutch, 
which says, that the image of this renowned saint, 
which whilome graced the bowsprit of the Goede 
Vrouw, was elevated in front of this chapel, in the 
very centre of what, in modern days, is called the 
Bowling Green. And the legend further treats of 
divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe, which 
the saint held in his mouth ; a whiff of which was 
a sovereign cure for an indigestion — an invaluable 
relic in this colony of brave trenchermen. As, 
however, in spite of the most diligent search, I 
cannot lay my hands upon this little book, I must 
confess that I entertain considerable doubt on the 
subject. 

Thus benigr^ly fostered by the good St. Nicho- 
las, the burghers of New- Amsterdam beheld their 
settlement increase in magnitude and population, 
and soon become the metropolis of divers settle- 

L 2 



148 EXTENT OF THE COLONY. 

ments, and an extensive territory. Already liad 
the disastrous pride of colonies and dependencies, 
those banes of a sound-hearted empire, entered 
into their imaginations; and Fort Aurania on the 
Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, and Fort 
Goede Hoep on tlie Connecticut river, seemed to 
be the darling offspring of the venerable council*. 
Thus prosperously, to all appearance, did the pro- 
vince of New-Netherlands advance in power; and 
the early history of its metropolis presents a fair 
page, unsullied by crime or calamity. 

Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the 
tangled forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled 
part of the island — the hunter pitched his rude 
bower of skins and bark beside the rills that ran 
through the cool and shady glens, while here and 
there might be seen on some sunny knoll, a group 
of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose above the 
neighbouring trees, and floated in the transparent 
atmosphere. By degrees a mutual goodwill had 

* The province, about this time, extended on the north to 
Fort Aurania, or Orange (now the city of Albany), situated 
about 160 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed the province 
claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence ; but this claim was not 
much insisted on at the time, as the country beyond Fort Au- 
rania was a perfect wilderness. On the south the province 
reached to Fort Nassau, on the south river, since called the 
Delaware — and on the east it extended to the Varshe (or fresh) 
river, now the Connecticut. On this last frontier was likewise 
erected a fort and trading-house, much about the spot where at 
present is situated the pleasant town of Hartford. This was 
called Fort Goed Hoepe) (or Good Hope), and was intended 
as well for the purpose of trade as of defence. 



SAVAGES DOMESTIC EXAMPLES. Ml) 

grown up between these wandering beings and 
the burghers of New-Amsterdam. Our benevo- 
lent forefathers endeavoured as much as possible 
to ameliorate their situation, by giving them gin, 
rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their pel- 
tries; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had 
conceived a great friendship for their savage neigh- 
bours, on account of their being pleasant men to 
trade with, and little skilled in the art of making 
a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half human 
sons of the forest would make their appearance 
in the streets of New-Amsterdam, fantastically 
painted and decorated with beads and flaunting 
feathers, sauntering about with an air of listless 
indifference — sometimes in the market-place in- 
structing the little Dutch boys in the use of the 
bow and arrow — at other times, inflamed with 
liquor, swaggering and whooping and yelling 
about the town like so many fiends, to the great 
dismay of all the good wives, who would hurry 
their children into the house, fasten the doors, 
and throw water upon the enemy from the garret 
windows. It is worthy of mention here, that our 
forefathers were very particular in holding up 
these wild men as excellent domestic examples — 
and for reasons that may be gathered from the 
history of master Ogilby, who tells us, that " for 
the least offence the bridegroom soundly beats 
his wife and turns her out of doors, and marries 
another, insomuch that some of them have every 
year a new wife." Whether this awful example 



150 MY GRANDMOTHER'S WAR. 

had any influence or not, history does not men- 
tion ; but it is certain that our grandmothers 
were miracles of fidelity and obedience. 

True it is, that the good understanding between 
our ancestors and their savage neighbours was 
liable to occasional interruptions, and I have heard 
my grandmother, who was a very wise old woman, 
and well versed in the history of these parts, tell 
a long story, of a winter's evening, about a battle 
between the New-Amsterdammers and the Indians, 
which was known by the name of the Peach limry 
and which took place near a peach orchard, in a 
dark glen, which for a long while went by the 
name of Murderer's valley. 

The legend of this sylvan war was long current 
among the nurses, old wives, and other ancient 
chroniclers of the place ; but time and improve- 
ment have almost obliterated both the tradition 
and the scene of battle ; for what was once the 
blood-stained valley is now in the centre of this 
populous city, and known by the name of Dey- 
street. 

The accumulating wealth and consequence of 
New-Amsterdam and its dependencies at length 
awakened the tender solicitude of the mother 
country ; who finding it a thriving and opulent 
colony, and that it promised to yield great profit 
and no trouble, all at once became wonderfully 
anxious about its safety, and began to load it with 
tokens of regard, in the same manner that your 
knowing people are sure to overwhelm rich re- 
lations with their aflfection and loving kindness. 



A GOVERNOR AITOINTED. 151 

The usual marks of protection shown by mother 
countries to wealthy colonies were forthwith 
manifested — the first care always being to send 
rulers to the new settlement, with orders to 
squeeze as much revenue from it as it will yield. 
Accordingly, in the year of our Lord 1629, 
Mynher Wouter Van Twiller was appointed 
governor of the province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, 
under the commission and control of their high 
mightinesses the Lords States General of the 
United Netherlands, and the privileged West 
India Company. 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New- 
Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the 
sweetest month in all the year ; when dan Apollo 
seems to dance up the transparent firmament — 
when the robin, the thrush, and a thousand other 
wanton songsters make the woods to resound 
with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little bob- 
lincon revels among the clover blossoms of the 
meadows — all which happy coincidence persuaded 
the old dames of New Amsterdam, who were 
skilled in the art of foretelling events, that this 
was to be a happy and prosperous administration. 

But as it would be derogatory to the conse- 
quence of the first Dutch governor of the great 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts to be thus scurvily 
introduced at the end of a chapter, I will put an 
end to this second book of my history, that I may 
usher him in with more dignity in the beginning 
of mv next. 



BOOK III. 

IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER 
VAN TWILLER. 



CHAPTER I. 

Of the renotvned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled virtues — 
as Uke'wise his unutterable tvisdom in the laiv case of Wandle 
Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration 
of the public thereat. 

Grievous and very much to be commiserated 
is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the 
history of his native land. If it fall to his lot to 
be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, the 
mournful page is watered with his tears — nor can 
he recall the most prosperous and blissful era, 
without a melancholy sigh at the reflection that 
it has passed away for ever ! I know not whether 
it be owing to an immoderate love for the sim- 
plicity of former times, or to that certain tender- 
ness of heart incident to all sentimental historians ; 
but I candidly confess that I cannot look back on 
the happier days of our city, which I now describe, 
without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a 
faltering hand do I withdraw the curtain of obli- 
vion, that veils the modest merit of our venerable 



MELANCHOLY REFLECTIONS. 153 

ancestors, and as their figures rise to my mental 
vision, humble myself before the mighty shades. 

Such are my feelings when I revisit the family 
mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a 
lonely hour in the chamber where hang the por- 
traits of my forefathers, shrouded in dust, like the 
forms they represent. With pious reverence do 
I gaze on the countenances of those renowned 
burghers, who have preceded me in the steady 
march of existence — whose sober and temperate 
blood now^ meanders through my veins, flowing- 
slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its 
current shall soon be stopped for ever ! 

These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials 
of the mighty men who flourished in the days of 
the patriarchs ; but who, alas ! have long since 
mouldered in that tomb, towards which my steps 
are insensibly and irresistibly hastening! As I 
pace the darkened chamber and lose myself in 
melancholy musings, the shadowy images around 
me almost seem to steal once more into existence 
— their countenances to assume the animation of 
life — their eyes to pursue me in every movement ! 
carried away by the delusions of fancy, I almost 
imagine myself surrounded by the shades of the 
departed, and holding sweet converse with the 
worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich ! 
born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the buf- 
fetings of fortune — a stranger and a weary pilgrim 
in thy native land — blest with no weeping wife, 
nor family of helpless children ; but doomed lo 



^54 



GOVERNOR WOUTER VAN TWILLKR. 



wander neglected through those crowded streets, 
and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair 
abodes, where once thine ancestors held sovereign 
empire ! 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the 
man, nor suffer the doting recollections of age to 
overcome me, wliile dwelling with fond garrulity 
on the virtuous days of the patriarchs — on those 
sweet days of simplicity and ease, which never 
more will dawn on the lovely island of Manna-hata ! 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twil- 
ler was descended from a long line of Dutch bur- 
gomasters, who had successively dozed away their 
lives, and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy 
in Rotterdam, and who had comported themselves 
with such singular wisdom and propriety that they 
were never either heard or talked of — which, next 
to being universally applauded, should be the ob- 
ject of ambition of all sage magistrates and rulers. 

His surname of Twiller is said to be a corrup- 
tion of the original Txmjjier\ which in English 
means doubter; a name admirably descriptive of 
his deliberative habits. For, though he was a man 
shut up within himself like an oyster, and of such 
a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely ever 
spoke except in monosyllables, yet did he never 
make up his mind on any doubtful point. This 
was clearly accounted for by his adherents, who 
affirmed that he always conceived every subject 
on so comprehensive a scale, that he had not room 
in his head to turn it over and examine both sides 



HIS CHARACTER, 1^5 

of it, SO that he always remained in doubt, merely 
in consequence of the astonishing magnitude of 
his ideas ! 

There are two opposite ways by which some 
men get into notice — one by talking a vast deal 
and thinking a little, and the other by holding 
their tongues and not thinking at all. By the 
first, many a vapouring superficial pretender ac- 
quires the reputation of a man of quick parts — 
by the other many a vacant dunderpate, like the 
owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be compli- 
mented by a discerning world with all the attri- 
butes of wisdom. This, by the way, is a mere 
casual remark, which I would not for the universe 
have it thought I apply to governor Van Twiller. 
On the contrary, he was a very wise Dutchman, 
for he never said a foolish thing — and of such in- 
vincible gravity, that he was never known to laugh, 
or even to smile, through the course of a long and 
prosperous life. Certain, however, it is, there 
never was a matter proposed, however simple, and 
on which your common narrow-minded mortals 
would rashly determine at the first glance, but 
what the renowned Wouter put on a mighty mys- 
terious vacant kind of look, shook his capacious 
head, and having smoked for five minutes with 
redoubled earnestness, sagely observed, that " he 
had his doubts about the matter" — which in pro- 
cess of time gained him the character of a man 
slow of belief, and not easily imposed on. 

The person of this illustrious old gentleman wass 



156 



HIS PERSON, 



as regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as 
though it had been moulded by the hands of some 
cunning Dutch statuary as a model of majesty 
and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet 
six inches in height, and six feet live inches in 
circumference. His head was a perfect sphere, 
and of such stupendous dimensions, that dame 
Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have 
been puzzled to construct a neck capable of sup- 
porting it ; wherefore she wisely declined the at- 
tempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his back 
bone, just between the shoulders. His body was 
of an oblong form, particularly capacious at bot- 
tom ; which was wisely ordered by Providence, 
seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and 
very averse to the idle labour of walking. His 
legs, though exceeding short, w^ere sturdy in pro- 
portion to the weight they had to sustain ; so that 
when erect, he had not a little the appearance of 
a robustious beer barrel, standing on skids. His 
face, that infallible index of the mind, presented 
a vast expanse, perfectly unfurrowed or deformed 
by any of those lines and angles which disfigure 
the human countenance with what is termed ex- 
pression. Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly 
in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude 
in a hazy firmament ; and his full-fed cheeks, 
which seemed to have taken toll of everv thine; 
that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled 
and streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg 
apple. 



AND HABITS. 157 

His habits were as regular as his person. He 
daily took his four stated meals, appropriating 
exactly an hour to each ; he smoked and doubted 
eight hours ; and he slept the remaining twelve 
of the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller — a true philosopher ; for his 
mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly set- 
tled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. 
He had lived in it for years, without feeling the 
least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved 
round it, or it round the sun ; and he had watched, 
for at least half a century, the smoke curling from 
his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his 
head with any of those numerous theories by which 
a philosopher would have perplexed his brain, in 
accounting for its rising above the surrounding 
atmosphere. 

In his council he presided with great state and 
solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak 
hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabri- 
cated by an experienced Timmerman of Amster- 
dam, and curiously carved about the arms and 
feet into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's 
claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long 
Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, 
which had been presented to a stadtholder of 
Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty with one 
of the petty Barbary powers. — In this stately chair 
would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he 
smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant 
motion, and fixing his eye for hours together upon 



158 HIS BEHAVIOUR IN THE COUNCIL. 

a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black 
frame against the opposite wall of the council- 
chamber. Nay, it has even been said, that when 
any deliberation of extraordinary length and intri- 
cacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter 
would absolutely shut his eyes for full two hours 
at a time, that he might not be disturbed by ex- 
ternal objects — and at such times the internal 
commotion of his mind was evinced by certain 
regular guttural sounds, which his admirers de- 
clared were merely the noise of conflict, made by 
his contending doubts and opinions. 

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled 
to collect these biographical anecdotes of the great 
man under consideration. The facts respecting 
him were so scattered and vague, and divers of 
them so questionable in point of authenticity, that 
I have had to give up the search after many, and 
decline the admission of still more, which would 
have tended to heighten the colouring of his 
portrait. 

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully 
the person and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, 
from the consideration that he was not only the 
first, but also the best governor that ever presided 
over this ancient and respectable province ; and 
so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that I 
do not find throughout the whole of it a single 
instance of any offender being brought to punish- 
ment — a most indubitable sign of a merciful go- 
vernor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the 



CASE OF SCHOONHOVKN v. BLEECKER. 159 

reign of the illustrious king Log, from whom, it 
is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal 
descendant. 

The very outset of the career of this excellent 
magistrate was distinguished by an example of 
legal acumen, that gave flattering presage of a 
wise and equitable administration. The morning 
after he had been solemnly installed in office, and 
at the moment that he was making his breakfast 
from a prodigious earthen dish, filled v/ith milk 
and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted 
by the appearance of one Wan die Schoonhoven, 
a very important old burgher of New- Amsterdam, 
who complained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, 
inasmuch as he fraudulently refused to come to 
a settlement of accounts, seeing that there was 
a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. 
Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, 
was a man of few words; he was likewise a mortal 
enemy to multiplying writings — or being disturbed 
at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to 
the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an 
occasional grunt as he shovelled a spoonful of In- 
dian pudding into his mouth — either as a sign that 
he relished the dish or comprehended the story — 
he called unto him his constable ; and pulling out 
of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched 
it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied 
by his tobacco-box as a warrant. 

This summary process was as effectual in those 
simple days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun 



1()0 THE GOVERNOR'S SAGE DECISION. ' 

Alraschid among tlie true believers. The two par- 
ties being confronted before him, each produced 
a book of accounts, written in a language and 
character that would have puzzled any but a high 
Dutch commentator, or a learned decypherer of 
Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage 
Wouter took them one after the other, and having 
poised them in his hands, and attentively counted 
over the number of leaves, fell straightway into a 
very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour 
without saying a word ; at length, laying his finger 
beside his nose, and shutting his eyes for a moment, 
with the air of a man who has just caught a subtle 
idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his 
mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, 
and with marvellous gravity and solemnity pro- 
nounced — that having carefully counted over the 
leaves and weighed the books, it was found that 
one was just as thick and as heavy as the other — 
therefore it was the final opinion of the court that 
the accounts were equally balanced — therefore 
Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent 
should give Wandle a receipt — and the constable 
should pay the costs. 

This decision being straightway made known, 
diffused general joy throughout New- Amsterdam, 
for the people immediately perceived that they 
had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule 
over them. But its happiest effect was, that not 
another law-suit took place throughout the whole 
of his administration — and the office of constable 



THE DECISION MUCH ADMIRED. 



161 



fell into such decay, that there was not one of 
those losel scouts known in the province for many- 
years. I am the more particular in dwelling on 
this transaction, not only because I deem it one 
of the most sage and righteous judgments on re- 
cord, and well worthy the attention of modern 
magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event 
in the history of the renowned Wouter — ^being 
the only time he was ever known to come to a 
decision in the whole course of his life. 



M 



162 POWER OF THE GOVERNORS, 



CHAPTER IT. 

Containing some account of the grand council of Neixi- Amsterdam, 
as also divers especial good jihilosophical reasons tvlii/ «w alder- 
man should he Jut — voith other particulars touching the state of 
the province. 

In treating of the early governors of the pro- 
vince, I must caution my readers against con- 
founding them, in point of dignity and power, 
with those worthy gentlemen, who are whimsically 
denominated governors in this enlightened re- 
public — a set of unhappy victims of popularity, 
who are in fact the most dependent, hen-pecked 
beings in the community : doomed to bear the 
secret goadings and corrections of their own party, 
and the sneers and revilings of the whole world 
beside. — Set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, 
to be pelted and shot at by every whipster and 
vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the Dutch 
governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority, 
vested in all commanders of distant colonies or 
territories. They were in a manner absolute 
despots in their little domains, lording it, if so 
disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable 
to none but the mother country ; which it is well 
known is astonishingly deaf to all complaints 
against its governors, provided they discharge the 



THE GRAND COUNCIL. 



163 



main duty of their station — squeezing out a good 
revenue. This hint will be of importance, to pre- 
vent my readers from being seized with doubt and 
incredulity, whenever, in the course of this au- 
thentic history, they encounter the uncommon 
circumstance of a governor acting with independ- 
ence, and in opposition to the opinions of the 
multitude. 

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous 
business of legislation, a board of magistrates was 
appointed, which presided immediately over the 
police. This potent body consisted of a schout or 
bailiff, with powers between those of the present 
mayor and sheriff — five burgermeesters, who were 
equivalent to aldermen, and five schepens, who 
officiated as scrubs, subdevils, or bottle-holders to 
the burgermeesters, in the same manner as do 
assistant aldermen to their principals at the present 
day ; it being their duty to fill the pipes of the 
lordly burgermeesters — hunt the markets for de- 
licacies for corporation dinners, and to discharge 
such other little offices of kindness as were occa- 
sionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly un- 
derstood, though not specifically enjoined, that 
they should consider themselves as butts for the 
blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh 
most heartily at all their jokes ; but this last was a 
duty as rarely called in action in those days as it 
is at present, and was shortly remitted, in conse- 
quence of the tragical death of a fat little schepen 
— who actually died of suffocation in an unsuc- 

M 2 



l64 PRIVILEGES OF SCHEPENS. 

cessful effort to force a laugh at one of burger- 
meester Van Zandt's best jokes. 

In return for these humble services, they were 
permitted to say yes and no at the council board, 
and to have that enviable privilege, the run of the 
public kitchen — being graciously permitted to eat, 
and drink, and smoke, at all those snug junketings, 
and public gormandizings, for which the ancient 
magistrates were equally famous with their modern 
successors. The post of schepen, therefore, like 
that of assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted 
by all your burghers of a certain description, who 
have a huge relish for good feeding, and an humble 
ambition to be great men, in a small way — who 
thirst after a little brief authority, that shall render 
them the terror of the almshouse, and the bride- 
well — that shall enable them to lord it over obse- 
quious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, 
and hunger-driven dishonesty — that shall give to 
their beck a hound-like pack of catch-poles and 
bum-bailiffs — tenfold greater rogues than the cul- 
prits they hunt down ! — My readers will excuse 
this sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming 
of a grave historian — but I have a mortal an- 
tipathy to catch-poles, bum-bailiffs, and little great 
men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded 
with those of the present time no less in form, 
magnitude, and intellect, than in prerogative and 
privilege. The burgomasters, like our aldermen, 
were generally chosen by weight — and not only 



WHY AN ALDERMAN SHOULD BE FAT. l65 

the weight of the body, but likewise the weight of 
the head. It is a maxim practically observed" in 
all honest, plain thinking, regular cities, that an 
alderman should be fat — and the wisdom of this 
can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in 
some measure an image of the mind, or rather that 
the mind is moulded to the body, like melted lead 
to the clay in which it is cast, has been insisted 
on by many philosophers, who have made human 
nature their peculiar study — For as a learned 
gentleman of our own city observes, *' there is a 
constant relation between the moral character of 
all intelligent creatures, and their physical consti- 
tution — between their habits and the structure of 
their bodies." Thus we see, that a lean, spare, 
diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a 
petulant, restless, meddling mind — either the mind 
wears down the body, by its continual motion ; or 
else the body, not affording the mind sufficient 
house-room, keeps it continually in a state of fret- 
fulness, tossing and worrying about from the un^ 
easiness of its situation. Whereas your round, 
sleek, fat, unwieldy periphery is ever attended by 
a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; 
and we may always observe, that your well fed, 
robustious burghers, are in general very tenacious 
of their ease and comfort ; being great enemies to 
noise, discord, and disturbance — and surely none 
are more likely to study the public tranquillity 
than those who are so careful of their own. Who 
iiver hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding 



166 



AN ALDERMAN'S THREE SOULS. 



together in turbulent mobs ? — no — no — it is your 
lean, hungry men, who are continually worrying 
society, and setting the whole community by the 
ears. 

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suf- 
ficiently attended to by philosophers of the present 
age, allows to every man three souls — one im- 
mortal and rational, seated in the brain, that it 
may overlook and regulate the body — a second con- 
sisting of the surly and irascible passions, which, 
like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the 
heart — a third mortal and sensual, destitute of 
reason, gross and brutal in its propensities, and 
enchained in the belly, that it may not disturb the 
divine soul by its ravenous bowlings. Now, ac- 
cording to this excellent theory, what can be more 
clear, than that your fat alderman is most likely 
to have the most regular and well-conditioned 
mind ? His head is like a huge spherical chamber, 
containing a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon 
the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as 
on a feather bed ; and the eyes, which are the 
windows of the bed-chamber, are usually half 
closed, that its slumberings may not be disturbed 
by external objects. A mind thus comfortably 
lodged, and protected from disturbance, is mani- 
festly most likely to perform its functions with re- 
gularity and ease. By dint of good feeding, more- 
over, the mortal and malignant soul, which is 
confined in the belly, and which, by its raging and 
roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neighbour- 



CHARLEMAGNE'S HUNGRY JUDGES. 1^7 

hood of the heart in an intolerable passion, and 
thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome when 
hungry, is completely pacified, silenced, and put 
to rest — whereupon a host of honest good-fellow 
qualities and kind-hearted affections, which had 
lain perdue, slily peeping out of the loop-holes of 
the heart, finding this Cerberus asleep, do pluck 
up their spirits, turn out one and all in their holi- 
day suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm 
— disposing their possessor to laughter, good hu- 
mour, and a thousand friendly offices towards his 
fellow mortals. 

As a board of magistrates, formed on this mo- 
del, think but very little, they are the less likely 
to differ and wrangle about favourite opinions — 
and as they generally transact business upon a 
hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to be 
lenient and indulgent in the administration of 
their duties, Charlemagne was conscious of this, 
and, therefore, (a pitiful measure, for which I can 
never forgive him) ordered in his cartularies, that 
no judge should hold a court of justice, except in 
the morning, on an empty stomach : a rule which, 
I warrant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits in 
his kingdom. The more enlightened and humane 
generation of the present day have taken an op- 
posite course, and have so managed, that the 
aldermen are the best fed men in the community; 
feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and 
gorging so heartily oysters and turtles, that in pro- 
cess of time they acquire the activity of the one, 



168 HOW TO EAT YOURSELF INTO OFFICE. 

and the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the 
other. The consequence is, as I have just said, 
these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet 
equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and 
irrational, that their transactions are proverbial 
for unvarying monotony — and the profound laws, 
which they enact in their dozing moments, amid 
the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to 
remain as dead letters, and never enforced when 
awake. In a word, your fair round-bellied burgo- 
master, like a full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the 
house-door, always at home, and always at hand 
to watch over its safety — but as to electing a lean, 
meddling candidate to the office, as has now and 
then been done, I would as lief put a greyhound 
to watch the house, or a race-horse to drag an ox- 
waggon. 

The burgomasters, then, as I have already men- 
tioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the 
schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed 
to attend upon them, and help them eat ; but the 
latter, in the course of time, when they had been 
fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and 
drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candi- 
dates for the burgomasters* chairs, having fairly 
eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his 
way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, 
blue-nosed, skimmed milk, New-England cheese. 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations 
that took place between the renowned Wouter 
and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the 



FARM- YARD MELODY. 



169 



sage divans of some of our modern corporations. 
They would sit for hours smoking and dozing 
over public affairs, without speaking a word to 
interrupt that perfect stillness, so necessajy to 
deep reflection — Under the sober sway of Wouter 
Van Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the 
infant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually 
emerging from the swamps and forests, and exhi- 
biting that mingled appearance of town and coun- 
try customary in new cities, and which at this day 
may be witnessed in the city of Washington ; that 
immense metropolis, whicli makes so glorious an 
appearance on paper. 

It was a pleasing sight in those times to behold 
the honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated 
on the bench at the door of his white-washed house, 
under the shade of some gigantic sycamore or over- 
hanging willow. Here would he smoke his pipe 
of a sultry afternoon, enjoying the soft southern 
breeze, and listening with silent gratulation to the 
clucking of his hens, the cackling of his geese, and 
the sonorous grunting of his swine ; that combina- 
tion of farm-yard melody, which may truly be said 
to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a 
certain assurance of profitable marketing. 

The modern spectator, who wanders through the 
streets of this populous city, can scarcely form an 
idea of the different appearance they presented in 
the primitive days of the Doubter. The busy hum 
of multitudes, the shouts of revelry, the rumbling 
equipages of fashion, the rattling of accursed carts, 



170 BLESSINGS OF IGNORANCE. 

and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawling com- 
merce, were unknown in the settlement of New- 
Amsterdam. The grass grew quietly in the high- 
ways — the bleating sheep and frolicsome calves 
sported about the verdant ridge, where now the 
Broadway loungers take their morning stroll — the 
cunning fox or ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, 
where now are to be seen the dens of Gomez and 
his righteous fraternity of money-brokers — and 
flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the fields, 
where now the great Tammany wigwam and the 
patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the wran- 
glings of the mob. 

In these good times did a true and enviable 
equality of rank and property prevail, equally re- 
moved from the arrogance of wealth and the ser- 
vility and heart-burnings of repining poverty — and 
what in my mind is still more conducive to tran- 
quillity and harmony among friends, a happy equa- 
lity of intellect was likewise to be seen. The 
minds of the good burghers of New- Amsterdam 
seemed all to have been cast in one mould, and 
to be those honest, blunt minds, which, like cer- 
tain manufactures, are made by the gross, and con- 
sidered as exceedingly good for common use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are 
generally preferred for public employ, and espe- 
cially promoted to city honours ; your keen intel- 
lects, like razors, being considered too sharp for 
common service. I know that it is common to 
rail at the unequal distribution of riches, as the 



EQUALITY OT INTELLECT. I?! 

great source of jealousies, broils, and heart-break- 
ings ; whereas for my part, I verily believe it is the 
sad inequality of intellect that prevails, that em- 
broils communities more than any thing else j and 
I have remarked that your knowing people, who 
are so much wiser than any body else, are eter- 
nally keeping society in a ferment. Happily for 
New-Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was known 
within its walls — the very words of learning, edu- 
cation, taste, and talents were unheard of — a bright 
genius was an animal unknown, and a blue stock- 
ing lady would have been regarded with as much 
wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon. No 
man, in fact, seemed to know more than his neigh- 
bour, nor any man to know more than an honest 
man ought to know, who has nobody's business to 
mind but his own ; the parson and the council 
clerk were the only men that could read in the 
community, and the sage Van Twiller always 
signed his name with a cross. 

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little Burgh ! 
existing in all the security of harmless insignifi- 
cance — unnoticed and unenvied by the world, 
without ambition, without vain glory, without 
riches, and all their train of carking cares — 
and as of yore, in the better days of man, the 
deities were wont to visit him on earth and 
bless his rural habitations, so we are told, in the 
sylvan days of New-Amsterdam, the good St. 
Nicholas would often make his appearance, in his 
beloved city, of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily 



172 TRANQUIL AND HAPPY 

among the tree tops, or over the roofs of the 
houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent 
presents from his breeches pockets, and dropping 
them down the chimneys of his favourites. Whereas 
in these degenerate days of iron and brass he 
never shows us the light of his countenance, nor 
ever visits us, save one night in the year ; when he 
rattles down the chimneys of the descendants of 
the patriarchs, confining his presents merely to 
the children, in token of the degeneracy of the 
parents. 

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of 
a fat government. The province of the New-Ne- 
therlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet 
tranquillity that wealth could never purchase. 
There were neither public commotions, nor private 
quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms ; 
neither persecutions, nor trials, nor punishments ; 
nor were there counsellors, attorneys, catch-poles, 
or hangmen. Every man attended to what little 
business he was lucky enough to have, or neglected 
it if he pleased, without asking the opinion of his 
neighbour. In those days nobody meddled witli 
concerns above his comprehension, nor thrust his 
nose into other people's affairs ; nor neglected to 
correct his own conduct, and reform his own cha- 
racter, in his zeal to pull to pieces the charac- 
ters of others — but in a word, every respectable 
citizen eat when he was not hungry, drank when 
he was not thirsty, and went regular to bed, when 
the sun set, and the fowls went to roost, whether 



STATE OF THE COLONY. 178 

he were sleepy or not ; all which tended so remark- 
ably to the population of the settlement, that I 
am told every dutiful wife throughout New-Am- 
sterdam made a point of enriching her husband 
with at least one child a year, and very often a 
brace — this superabundance of good things clearly 
constituting the true luxury of life, according to 
the favourite Dutch maxim, that " more than 
enough constitutes a feast.'* Every thing there- 
fore went on exactly as it should do, and, in the 
usual words employed by historians to express the 
welfare of a country, "the profoundest tranquillity 
and repose reigned throughout the province." 



174 MANKS-OLD TASTES OF HEADERS. 



CHAPTER III. 

Hoxo the town of New -Amsterdam arose out of mud, and came to 
be marvellously polished and polite — together with a picture of 
the manners of our great great grandfathers. 

Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the 
enlightened literati, who turn over the pages of 
history. Some there be whose hearts are brimful 
of the yeast of courage, and whose bosoms do 
work, and swell, and foam, with untried valour, 
like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain 
fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This 
doughty class of readers can be satisfied with no- 
thing but bloody battles and horrible encounters ; 
they must be continually storming forts, sacking 
cities, springing mines, marching up to the muzzles 
of cannon, charging bayonet through every page, 
and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. Others, 
who are of a less martial, but equally ardent 
imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to 
the marvellous, will dwell with wonderous satis- 
faction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard-of 
events, hair-breadth escapes, hardy adventures, and 
all those astonishing narrations, that just amble 
along the boundary line of possibility. — A third 
class, who, not to speak slightly of them, are of a 
lighter turn, and skim Over the records of past 



SOMETHING HORRIBLE PROMISED. l?^ 

times as they do over the edifying pages of a novel* 
merely for relaxation and innocent amusement, 
do singularly delight in treasons, executions, Sabine 
rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, murders, 
and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, that, 
like cayenne in cookery, do give a pungency and 
flavour to the dull detail of history — while a fourth 
class, of more philosophic habits, do generally 
pore over the musty chronicles of time, to in- 
vestigate the operations of the human mind, and 
watch the gradual changes in men and manners, 
effected by the progress of knowledge, the vicissi- 
tudes of events, or the influence of situation. 

If the three first classes find but little where- 
withal to solace themselves in the tranquil reign 
of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert 
their patience for a while, and bear with the tedious 
picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, which 
my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw; 
and I promise them, that as soon as I can possibly 
light upon any thing horrible, uncommon, or im- 
possible, it shall go hard but I will make it afford 
them entertainment. This being premised, I turn 
with great complacency to the fourth class of my 
readers, who are men, or, if possible, women after 
my own heart ; grave, philosophical, and investi- 
gating ; fond of analyzing characters, of taking a 
start from first causes, and so hunting a nation 
down, through all the mazes of innovation and 
improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to 
witness the first development of the newly hatched 



176 PATRIOTISM OF THE COWS. 

colony, and the primitive manners and customs^ 
prevalent among its inhabitants, during the halcyon 
reign of Van Twiller or the Doubter. 

I will not grieve their patience, however, by 
describing minutely the increase and improvement 
of New-Amsterdam. Their own imaginations will 
doubtless present to them the good burgliers, like 
so many pains-taking and persevering beavers, 
slowly and surely pursuing their labours-— they will 
behold the prosperous transformation from the 
rude log hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with 
brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof — from 
the tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage- 
garden ; and from the skulking Indian to the 
ponderous burgomaster. In a word, they will 
picture to themselves the steady, silent, and un- 
deviating march to prosperity, incident to a city 
destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat 
government, and whose citizens do nothing in a 
hurry. 

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a 
preceding chapter, not being able to determine 
upon any plan for the building of their city — the 
cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under 
their particular charge, and as they went to and 
from pasture, established paths through the bushes, 
on each side of which the good folks built their 
houses ; which is one cause of the rambling and 
picturesque turns and labyrinths, which distinguish 
certain streets of New York at this very day. 

The houses of the higher class were generally 



LOYALTY OF WEATHERCOCKS. 177 

constructed of wood, excepting the gable end, 
which was of small black and yellow Dutch bricks, 
and always faced on the street, — as our ancestors, 
like their descendants, were very much given to 
outward show, and were noted for putting the best 
leg foremost. The house was always furnished 
with abundance of large doors and small windows 
on every floor; the date of its erection was curiously 
designated by iron figures on the front ; and on 
the top of the roof was perched a fierce little 
weathercock, to let the family into the important 
secret which way the wind blew. These, like the 
weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed 
so many different ways, that every man could have 
a wind to his mindj — the most stanch and loyal 
citizens, however, always went according to the 
weathercock on the top of the governor's house, 
which was certainly the most correct, as he had a 
trusty servant employed every morning to climb 
up and set it to the right quarter. 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, 
a passion for cleanliness was the leading principle 
in domestic economy, and the universal test of 
an able housewife- — a character which formed the 
utmost ambition of our unenlightened grand- 
mothers. The front door was never opened except 
on marriages, funerals, new years' days, the festival 
of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. It 
was ornamented with a gorgeous brass knocker, 
curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a 
dog, and sometimes of a lion's head, and was daily 
burnished with sucli religious zeal, that it was oft- 

N 



178 PASSION FOR CLEANING. 

times worn out by the very precautions taken for 
its preservation. The whole house was constantly 
in a state of inundation, under the discipline of 
mops, and brooms, and scrubbing-brushes; and 
the good housewives of those days were a kind of 
amphibious animal, delighting exceedingly to be 
dabbling in water — insomuch that an historian of 
the day gravely tells us, that many of his towns- 
women grew to have webbed fingers like unto a 
duck ; and some of them, he had little doubt, could 
the matter be examined into, would be found to 
have the tails of mermaids — but this I look upon 
to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is worse, a 
wilful misrepresentation. 

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, 
where the passion for cleaning was indulged with- 
out control. In this sacred apartment no one was 
permitted to enter excepting the mistress and her 
confidential maid, who visited it once a week, for 
the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and 
putting things to rights — always taking the pre- 
caution of leaving their shoes at the door, and 
entering devoutly on their stocking feet. After 
scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white 
sand, which was curiously stroked into angles, and 
curves, and rhomboids, with a broom — after wash- 
ing the windows, rubbing and polishing the furni- 
ture, and putting a new bunch of evergreens in 
the fire-place — the window-shutters were again 
closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully- 
locked up until the revolution of time brought 
round the weekly cleaning day. 



A NEW- AMSTERDAM FIRE-SIDE. 179 

As to the family, they always entered in at the 
gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To 
have seen a numerous household assembled around 
the fire, one would have imagined that he was 
transported back to those happy days of primeval 
simplicity, which float before our imaginations like 
golden visions. The fire-places were of a truly 
patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, 
old and young, master and servant, black and 
white, nay, even the very cat and dog, enjoyed 
a community of privilege, and had each a right to 
a corner. Here the old burgher would sit in per- 
fect silence, puffing his pipe, looking in the fire 
with half-shut eyes, and thinking of nothing for 
hours together : the goede vrouw on the opposite 
side would employ herself diligently in spinning 
yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks 
would crowd around the hearth, listening with 
breathless attention to some old crone of a negro, 
who was the oracle of the family, and who, perched 
like a raven in a corner of the chimney, would 
croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string of 
incredible stories about New-England witches — 
grisly ghosts — ^horses without heads — and hair- 
breadth escapes and bloody encounters among 
the Indians. 

In those happy days a well-regulated family 
always rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and 
went to bed at sun-down. Dinner was invariably 
a private meal, and the fat old burghers showed 
incontestable symptoms of disapprobation and un- 
easiness at being surprised by a visit from a neigh- 

N 2 



180 TEA AND FAT PORK. 

hour on such occasions. But though our worthy 
ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving din- 
ners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy 
by occasional banquetings, called tea-parties. 

These fashionable parties were generally con- 
fined to the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to 
say, such as kept their own cows and drove their 
own waggons. The company commonly assembled 
at three o'clock, and went away about six ; unless 
it was in winter time, when the fashionable hours 
were a little earlier, that the ladies might get home 
before dark. The tea-table was crowned with a 
huge earthen disli, well stored with slices of fat 
pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swim- 
ming in gravy. The company being seated around 
the genial board, and each furnished with a fork, 
evinced their dexterity in lanching at the fattest 
pieces in this mighty dish — in much the same 
manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at sea, or our 
Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes 
the table was graced with immense apple-pies, or 
saucers full of preserved peaches and pears ; but 
it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of 
balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog*s fat, and 
called dough-nuts, or oly-koeks — a delicious kind 
of cake, at present scarce known in this city, ex- 
cepting in genuine Dutch families. 

The tea was served out of a majestic delft tea- 
pot, ornamented with paintings of fat little Dutch 
shepherds and shepherdesses tending pigs — with 
boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the 
clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutcli fan- 



ANCIEMT MODE OF EATING SUGAR. 181 

tasies. The beaux distinguished tliemselves by 
their adroitness in replenishing this pot from a 
huge copper tea-kettle, which would have made 
the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days 
sweat merely to look at it. To sweeten the be- 
verage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup 
— and the company alternately nibbled and sipped 
with great decorum, until an improvement was 
introduced by a shrewd and economic old lady, 
which was to suspend a large liunp directly over 
the tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that 
it could be swung from mouth to moutli — an in- 
genious expedient, which is still kept up by some 
families in Albany ; but which prevails without 
exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flat-Bush, 
and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages. 

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost pro- 
priety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No 
flii'ting nor coquetting — no gambling of old ladies, 
nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones 
— no self-satisfied struttings of wealthy gentlemen, 
with their brains in their pockets — nor amusing 
conceits, and monkey divertisements, of smart 
young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On the 
contrary, the young ladies seated themselves de- 
nmrely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit 
their own woollen stockings ; nor ever opened 
their lips, excepting to say, yah Mynher^ or yah 
ya Vroivw, to any question that was asked them ; 
behaving, in all things, like decent, well-educated 
damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tran- 
quilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in con- 



182 A PARTING SMACK. 

templation of the blue and white tiles with which 
the fire-places were decorated, wherein sundry 
passages of scripture were piously portrayed — 
Tobit and his dog figured to great advantage ; 
Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet ; and 
Jonali appeared most manfully bouncing out of 
the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of fire. 
The parties broke up without noise and without 
confusion. They were carried home by their own 
carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature had 
provided them, excepting such of the wealthy as 
could afford to keep a waggon. The gentlemen 
gallantly attended their fair ones to their respective 
abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack 
at the door ; which, as it was an established piece 
of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty 
of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor 
should it at the present — if our great grandfathers 
approved of the custom, it would argue a great 
want of reverence in their descendants to say a 
word against it. 



THE GOLDEN AGE. 183 



CHAPTER IV. 

Containing further particulars of the Golden Age, and what 
constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter 
the Doubter. 

In this dulcet period of my history, when the 
beauteous island of Manna-hata presented a scene, 
the very counterpart of those glowing pictures 
drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, there was, 
as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an 
honest simplicity prevalent among its inhabitants, 
which, were I even able to depict, would be but 
little understood by the degenerate age for which 
I am doomed to write. Even the female sex, 
those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, the 
honesty, and gray-beard customs of society, seemed 
for a while to conduct themselves with incredible 
sobriety and comeliness. 

Their hair, untortured by the abominations of 
art, was scrupulously pomatumed back from their 
foreheads with a candle, and covered with a little 
cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their 
heads. Their petticoats of linsey-woolsey were 
striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes — though 
1 must confess these gallant garments were rather 
short, scarce reaching below the knee ; but then 
they made up in the number, which generally 



184 FEMALE COSTUME. 

equalled that of the gentlemen's small-clothes : 
and what is still more praise-worthy, they were all 
of their own manufacture — of which circumstance, 
as may well be supposed, they were not a little 
vain. 

These were the honest days, in which every 
woman staid at home, read the Bible, and wore 
pockets — ay, and that too of a goodly size, 
fashioned with patch-work into many curious 
devices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. 
These, in fact, were convenient receptacles, where 
all good housewives carefully stored away such 
things as they wished to have at hand ; by which 
means they often came to be incredibly crammed 
T— and I remember there was a story current when 
I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller 
once had occasion to empty her right pocket in 
search of a wooden ladle, and the utensil was dis- 
covered lying among some rubbish in one corner 
-^but we must not give too much faith to all 
these stories ; the anecdotes of those remote pe- 
riods being very subject to exaggeration. 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise 
wore scissors and pincushions suspended from 
their girdles by red ribands, or among the more 
opulent and showy classes, by brass, and even 
silver chains — indubitable tokens of thrifty house- 
wives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say much 
in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats j it 
doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving 
the stockings a chance to be seen, which were 
generally of blue worsted, with magnificent red 



A FINE LADY DESCRIBED. 185 

clocks — or perhaps to display a well-turned ankle, 
and a neat, though serviceable, foot ; set off by a 
high-heeled leathern shoe, with a large and splendid 
silver buckle. Thus we find that the gentle sex, 
in all ages, have shown the same disposition to in- 
fringe a little upon the laws of decorum, in order 
to betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent 
love of finery. 

From the sketch here given, it will be seen that 
our good grandmothers differed considerably in 
their ideas of a fine figure from their scantily 
dressed descendants of the present day. A fine 
lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes, 
even on a fair summer's day, than would have 
clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor 
were they the less admired by the gentlemen in 
consequence thereof. On the contrary, the great- 
ness of a lover*s passion seemed to increase in 
proportion to the magnitude of its object — and a 
voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petti- 
coats, was declared by a Low-Dutch sonnetteer 
of the province to be radiant as a sunflower, and 
luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it is, 
that in those days the heart of a lover could not 
contain more than one lady at a time ; whereas the 
heart of a modern gallant has often room enough 
to accommodate half a dozen. — The reason of 
which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of 
the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons 
of the ladies smaller — this, however, is a question 
for physiologists to determine. 

But there was a secret charm in these petti- 



186 PICTURE OF A FINE GENTLEMAN 

coats, which, no doubt, entered into the considera- 
tion of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a 
lady was in those days her only fortune ; and she 
who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings 
was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamschatka 
damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland 
belle with a plenty of rein-deer. The ladies, there- 
fore, were very anxious to display these powerful 
attractions to the greatest advantage ; and the best 
rooms in the house, instead of being adorned with 
caricatures of dame Nature, in water-colours and 
needle-work, were always hung round with abund- 
ance of homespun garments, the manufacture and 
the property of the females — a piece of laudable 
ostentation that still prevails among the heiresses 
of our Dutch villages. 

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the cir- 
cles of the gay world in these ancient times, cor- 
responded, in most particulars, with the beauteous 
damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to de- 
serve. True it is, their merits would make but a 
very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of 
a modern fair ; they neither drove their curricles 
nor sported their tandems, for as yet those gaudy 
vehicles were not even dreamt of — neither did 
they distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at 
the table, and their consequent rencontres with 
watchmen; for our forefathers were of too pacific 
a disposition to need those guardians of the night, 
every soul throughout the town being sound asleep 
before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish 
their claimis to gentility at the expense of tlieir 



IN VAN TWILLER'S DAY. 187 

tailors — for as yet those offenders against the 
pockets of society, and the tranquillity of all 
aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in New- 
Amsterdam ; every good housewife made the 
clothes of her husband and family, and even the 
goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it 
no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey- 
woolsey galligaskins. 

Not but what there were some two or three 
youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of 
what is called fire and spirit; who held all la- 
bour in contempt; skulked about docks and market- 
places; loitered in the sunshine; squandered what 
little money they could procure at hustle-cap and 
chuck-farthing; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and 
raced their neighbours' horses — in short, who pro- 
mised to be the wonder, the talk, and abomination 
of the town, had not their stylish career been un- 
fortunately cut short, by an affair of honour with 
a whipping-post. 

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable 
gentleman of those days — his dress, which served 
for both morning and evening, street and drawing 
room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, 
by the fair hands of the mistress of his afiections, 
and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large 
brass buttons. Haifa score of breeches heighten- 
ed the proportions of his figure — his shoes were 
decorated by enormous copper buckles — a low- 
crowned broad-brimmed hat overshadowed his 
burly visage, and his hair dangled down his back, 
in a prodigious queue of eel-skin. 



188 HAPPY REIGN 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth 
with pipe in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's 
obdurate heart — not such a pipe, good reader, as 
that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his 
Galatea, but one of true delft manufacture, and 
furnished with a charge of fragrant tobacco. With 
this would he resolutely set himself down before 
the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of 
time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender, 
upon honourable terms. 

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twil- 
ler, celebrated in many a long-forgotten song as 
the real golden age, the rest being nothing but 
counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delight- 
ful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over the 
whole province. The burgomaster smoked his 
pipe in peace — the substantial solace of his do- 
mestic cares, after her daily toils were done, sat 
soberly at the door, with her arms crossed over 
her apron of snowy white, without being insulted 
by ribald street-walkers or vagabond boys — those 
unlucky urchins, who do so infest our streets, dis- 
playing under the roses of youth the thorns and 
briars of iniquity. Then it was that the lover 
with ten breeches, and the damsel with petticoats 
of half a score, indulged in all the innocent endear- 
ments of virtuous love, without fear and without 
reproach; for what had that virtue to fear, which 
was defended by a shield of good linsey-woolseys, 
equal at least to the seven bull-hides of the invin- 
cible Ajax. 

Ah blissful, and never to be forgotten age! wlien 



OF VAN TWILLER. 189 

every thing was better than it has ever been since, 
or ever will be again — when Buttermilk channel 
was quite dry at low water — when the shad in the 
Hudson were all salmon, and when the moon shone 
with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of 
that melancholy yellow light, which is the conse- 
quence of her sickening at the abominations she 
every night witnesses in this degenerate city! 

Happy would it have been for New-Amsterdam 
could it always have existed in this state of blissful 
ignorance and lowly simplicity : but, alas! the days 
of childhood are too sweet to last ! Cities, like men, 
grow out of them in time, and are doomed alike 
to grow into the bustle, the cares, and miseries of 
the world. Let no man congratulate himself, when 
he beholds the child of his bosom or the city of 
his birth increasing in magnitude and importance 
— let the history of his own life teach him the dan- 
gers of the one, and this excellent little history of 
Manna-hata convince him of the calamities of the 
other.. 



190 AN AFTERNOON WALK. 



CHAPTER V. 

In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable ivalk, tvhich ends 
very differently from xvhat it commenced. 

In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hun- 
dred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing 
month of September, I took my customary walk 
upon the battery, which is at once the pride and 
bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of 
New York. The ground on which I trod was hal- 
lowed by recollections of the past, and as I slowly 
wandered through the long alley of poplars, 
which, like so many birch brooms standing on end, 
diffused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my 
imagination drew a contrast between the surround- 
ing scenery, and what it was in the classic days 
of our forefathers. Where the government-house 
by name, but the custom-house by occupation, 
proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, 
there whilome stood the low but substantial, red- 
tiled mansion of the renowned Wouter Van Twil- 
ler. Around it the mighty bulwarks of Fort Am- 
sterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe; but, 
like many a whiskered warrior and gallant militia 
captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns 
alone. The mud breast- works had long been le- 
velled with the earth, and their site converted into 
the green lawns and leafy alleys of the battery; 
where the gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, 



SCENERY ROUND NEW YORK. 191 

and the laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt 
and drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale 
of love into the half-averted ear of the senti- 
mental chambermaid. The capacious bay still pre- 
sented the same expansive sheet of water, stud- 
ded with islands, sprinkled with fishing-boats, and 
bounded by shores of picturesque beauty. But 
the dark forests which once clothed these shores 
had been violated by the savage hand of cultiva- 
tion, and their tangled mazes, and impenetrable 
thickets, had degenerated ilito teeming orchards 
and waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Is- 
land, once a smiling garden, appertaining to the 
sovereigns of the province, was now covered with 
fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block-house 
— so that this once peaceful island resembled a 
fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing 
gunpowder and defiance to the world! 

For some time did 1 indulge in this pensive train 
of thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness, the pre- 
sent day with the hallowed years behind the moun- 
tains ; lamenting the melancholy progress of im- 
provement, and praising the zeal with which our 
worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks 
of venerable customs, prejudices, and errors, from 
the overwhelming tide of modern innovation — 
when by degrees my ideas took a difl^'erent turn, 
and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of the 
beauties around me. 

It was one of those rich autumnal days which 
heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous 
island of Manna-hata and its vicinity — not a float- 



192 A CALM DESCRIBED. 

ing cloud obscured the azure firmament — the sun, 
rolling in glorious splendour through his ethereal 
course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch coun- 
tenance into an unusual expression of benevolence, 
as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city, 
which he delights to visit with his most bounteous 
beams — the very winds seemed to hold in their 
breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle 
the tranquillity of the hour — and the waveless 
bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror, in 
which nature beheld herself and smiled. — The 
standard of our city, reserved like a choice hand- 
kerchiefs for days of gala, hung motionless on the 
flag-staff, which forms the handle to a gigantic 
churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the pop- 
lar and the aspen ceased to vibrate to the breath 
of heaven. Every thing seemed to acquiesce 
in the profound repose of nature. — The formida- 
ble eighteen-pounders slept in the embrazures of 
the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh 
strength to fight the battles of their country on 
the next fourth of July — the solitary drum on Go- 
vernor's Island forgot to call the garrison to their 
shovels — the evening gun had not yet sounded its 
signal for all the regular, well-meaning poultry 
throughout the country to go to roost ; and the 
fleet of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island 
and Communipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and 
suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un- 
molested in the soft mud of their native banks ! — 
My own feelings sympathised with the contagious 
tranquillity, and I should infallibly have dozed 



A TEMPEST. 193 

upon one of those fragments of benches, which 
our benevolent magistrates have provided for the 
benefit of convalescent loungers, had not the ex- 
traordinary inconvenience of the couch set all 
repose at defiance. 

In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my 
attention was attracted to a black speck, peering 
above the western horizon, just in the rear of Ber- 
gen steeple — gradually it augments and overhangs 
the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and Ho- 
boken, which, like three jockeys, are starting on 
the course of existence, and jostling each other at 
the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the 
long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide 
shadows from the high settlements at Weehawk 
quite to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by 
the sagacity of our police, for the embarrassment 
of commerce — now it climbs the serene vault of 
heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, shrouding the orb 
of day, darkening the vast expanse, and bearing 
thunder and hail and tempest in its bosom. The 
earth seems agitated at the confusion of the hea- 
vens — the late waveless mirror is lashed into fu- 
rious waves, that roll in hollow murmurs to the 
shore — the oyster boats, that erst sported in the 
placid vicinity of Gibbet Island, now hurry af- 
frighted to the land — the poplar writhes and twists 
and whistles in the blast — torrents of drenching 
rain and sounding hail deluge the battery walks — 
the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant 
maids, and little Frenchmen, with pocket hand- 
kerchiefs over their hats, scampering from the 

o 



194 WHY INTRODUCED. 

storm — tlie late beauteous prospect presents one 
scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old 
Chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling 
back into one vast turmoil the conflicting ele- 
ments of nature. 

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or 
remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train- 
band captains, who march their soldiers through 
the rain without flinching, are points which I leave 
to the conjecture of the reader. It is possible he 
may be a little perplexed also to know the reason 
why I introduced this tremendous tempest, to 
disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter 
point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. 
The panorama view of the battery was given 
merely to gratify the reader with a correct de- 
scription of that celebrated place, and the parts 
adjacent : secondly, the storm was played ofi^, 
partly to give a little bustle and life to this tran- 
quil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy 
readers from falling asleep, and partly to serve as 
an overture to the tempestuous times that are about 
to assail the pacific province of Nieuw-Neder- 
landts, and that overhang the slumbrous admi- 
nistration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. 
It is thus the experienced play-wright puts all the 
fiddles, the French horns, the kettle-drums, and 
trumpets of his orchestra, in requisition, to usher 
in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars 
called melodrames ; and it is thus he discharges 
his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, 
preparatory to the rising of a ghost, or the mur- 



HONESTY NOT THE BEST rOIJCY. 19<5 

dering of a hero. We will now proceed with our 
history. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to 
the contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to nations, 
the old maxim, that ** honesty is the best policy,'* 
is a sheer and rninoiis mistake. It might have 
answered well enough in the honest times when it 
was made, but in these degenerate days, if a nation 
pretends to rely merely upon the justice of its 
dealings, it will fare something like an honest man 
among thieves, who, unless he have something 
more than his honesty to depend upon, stands but 
a poor chance of profiting by his company. Such 
at least was the case with the guileless government 
of the New-Netherlands, which, like a worthy un- 
suspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself down 
into the city of New- Amsterdam, as into a snug 
elbow-chair, and fell into a comfortable nap ; while, 
in the mean time, its cunning neighbours stepped 
in and picked its pockets. Thus may we ascribe 
the commencement of all the woes of this great 
province, and its magnificent metropolis, to the 
tranquil security, or to speak more accurately, to 
the unfortunate honesty of its government. But 
as I dislike to begin an important part of my his- 
tory towards the end of a chapter ; and as my 
readers, like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly 
fatigued with the long walk we have taken, and 
the tempest we have sustained, I hold it meet we 
shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and having thus 
refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in the next 
chapter. 

o 2 



1 96 EFFECTS OF THE MEASURES. 



CHAPTER VI. 

Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Connecticut and 
thereabouts — Shovoing, moreover, the true meaning of liberty of 
conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy barbarians, 
to keep up a harmony of intercourse , and promote population. 

That my readers may the more fully compre- 
hend the extent of the calamity at this very mo- 
ment impending over the honest, unsuspecting 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and its dubious 
governor, it is necessary that I should give some 
account of a horde of strange barbarians border- 
ing upon the eastern frontier. 

Now so it came to pass, that many years pre- 
vious to the time of which we are treating, the 
sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain 
national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or 
rather a rehgious turnpike, in which every loyal 
subject was directed to travel to Zion — taking 
care to pay the toll-gatherers by the way. 

Albeit, a certain shrewd race of men, being very 
much given to indulge their own opinions, on all 
manner of subjects (a propensity exceedingly of- 
fensive to your free governments of Europe), did 
most presumptuously dare to think for themselves 
in matters of religion, exercising what they con- 
sidered a natural and unextinguishable right — the 
liberty of conscience. 



OF THE ENGLISH CABINET. 197 

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous ha- 
bit of mind which always thinks aloud ; which 
rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever 
galloping into other people's ears, it naturally fol- 
lowed that their liberty of conscience likewise 
implied liberty of speech, which being freely in- 
dulged, soon put the country in a hubbub, and 
aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant fa- 
thers of the church. 

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim 
them, that in those days were considered so ef- 
ficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold; 
that is to say, they were coaxed, they were ad- 
monished, they were menaced, they were buffeted 
— line upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon 
lash, here a little and there a great deal, were 
exhausted without mercy, and without success; 
until at length the worthy pastors of the church, 
wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, 
were driven, in the excess of their tender mercy, 
to adopt the scripture text, and literally *' heaped 
live embers on their heads." 

Nothing, however, could subdue that invincible 
spirit of independence which has ever distinguished 
this singular race of people, so that rather than 
submit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all 
embarked for the wilderness of America, where 
they might enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable 
luxury of talking. No sooner did they land on 
this loquacious soil, than as if they had caught the 
disease from the climate, they all lifted up their 
voices at once, and for the space of one whole 



198 ORIGIN OF YANKEES 

year did keep up such a joyful clamour, that we 
are told they frightened every bird and beast out 
of the neighbourhood, and so completely dumb- 
founded certain fish, which abound on their coast, 
that they have been called dumb-jish ever since. 

From this simple circumstance, unimportant as 
it may seem, did first originate that renowned pri- 
vilege so loudly boasted of throughout this coun- 
try—which is so eloquently exercised in news- 
papers, pamphlets, ward meetings, pot-house com- 
mittees, and congressional deliberations — which 
establishes the right of talking without ideas and 
without information — of misrepresenting public 
affairs — of decrying public measures — ^of aspersing 
great characters, and destroying little ones ; in 
short, that grand palladium of our country, the 
liberty of speech. 

The simple aborigines of the land for a while 
contemplated these strange folk in utter astonish- 
ment, but discovering that they wielded harmless 
though noisy weapons, and were a lively, inge- 
nious, good-humoured race of men, they became 
very friendly and sociable, and gave them the 
name of Yanolies^ which in the Mais-Tchusaeg 
(or Massachusett) language signifies silent men — a 
waggish appellation, since shortened into the fa- 
miliar epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto 
the present day. 

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will 
not allow me to pass it over in silence, that the 
zeal of these good people, to maintain their rights 
and privileges unimpaired, did for a while betray 



LIBERTY OF CONSCIENCE EXPLAINED. 199 

them into errors, which it is easier to pardon than 
defend. Having served a regular apprenticeship 
in the school of persecution, it behoved them to 
show that they had become proficients in the art. 
They accordingly employed their leisure hours in 
banishing, scourging, or hanging, divers heretical 
papists, quakers, and anabaptists, for daring to 
abuse the liberty of conscience ; Vv^hich they now 
clearly proved to imply nothing more than that 
every man should think as he pleased in matters 
of religion — provided he thought right ; for other- 
wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable 
heresies. Now as they (the majority) were per- 
fectly convinced that they alone thought right, it 
consequently followed, that whoever thought dif- 
ferent from them thought wrong — and whoever 
thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not 
being convinced and converted, was a flagrant vio- 
lator of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and 
a corrupt and infectious member of the body poli- 
tic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast into 
the fire. 

Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers 
ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with 
that virtuous indignation with which we always 
contemplate the faults and errors of our neighbours, 
and to exclaim at these well-meaning but mistaken 
people, for inflicting on others the injuries they 
had suffered themselves — for indulging the pre- 
posterous idea of convincing the mind by torment- 
ing the body, and establishing the doctrine of 
charity and forbearance by intolerant persecution. 



200 PERSECUTION THE PALLADIUM OF LIBERTY. 

But, in simple truth, what are we doing at this 
very day, and in this very enHghtened nation, but 
acting upon the very same principle, in our poli- 
tical controversies. Have we not within but a few 
years released ourselves from the shackles of a 
government which cruelly denied us the privilege 
of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude 
that invaluable member, the tongue ? and are we 
not at this very moment striving our best to tyran- 
nise over the opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin 
the fortunes of one another ? What are our great 
political societies but mere political inquisitions — 
our pot-house committees but little tribunals of 
denunciation — our newspapers but mere whipping- 
posts and pillories, where unfortunate individuals 
are pelted with rotten eggs — and our council of 
appointment, but a grand auto dafk, where cul- 
prits are annually sacrificed for their political 
heresies ? 

Where then is the difference in principle betwen 
our measures and those you are so ready to con- 
demn among the people I am treating of? There 
is none ; the difference is merely circumstantial. 
— Thus we denounce, instead of banishing — we 
libel, instead of scourging — we turn out of office^ 
instead of hanging — and where they burnt an 
offender in propria persona, we either tar or fea- 
ther or burn him in effigy — this political persecu- 
tion being, somehow or other, the grand palladium 
of our liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that 
this is a free country! 

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which 



ADVANTAGES OF BUNDLING. 201 

this holy war was prosecuted against the whole 
race of unbelievers, we do not find that the popu- 
lation of this new colony was in any wise hindered 
tliereby; on the contrary, they multiplied to a 
degree which would be incredible to any man un- 
acquainted with the marvellous fecundity of this 
growing country. 

This amazing increase may indeed be partly 
ascribed to a singular custom prevalent among 
them, commonly known by the name oi bundling — 
a superstitious rite observed by the young people 
oi both sexes, with which they usually terminated 
their festivities ; and which was kept up with reli- 
gious strictness, by the more bigoted and vulgar 
part of the community. This ceremony was like- 
wise, in those primitive times, considered as an 
indispensable preliminary to matrimony; their 
courtships commencing where ours usually finish 
— by which means they acquired that intimate 
acquaintance with each other's good qualities before 
mariiage, which has been pronounced by philoso- 
phers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus early 
did this cunning and ingenious people display a 
shrewdness at making a bargain, which has ever 
since distinguished them — and a strict adherence 
to the good old vulgar maxim about " buying a 
pig in a poke." 

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly 
attribute the unparalleled increase of the yanokie 
or yankee tribe ; for it is a certain fact, well au- 
thenticated by court records and parish registers. 



202 INCREASE OF POPULATION. 

that wherever the practice of bundUng prevailed, 
there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an- 
nually born unto the state, without the licence of 
the law or the benefit of clergy. Neither did 
the irregularity of their birth operate in the least 
to their disparagement. On the contrary, they 
grew up a long-sidecj, raw-boned, hardy race of 
whoreson whalers, wood-cutters, fishermen and 
pedlers, and strapping corn-fed wenches ; who by 
their united efforts tended marvellously towards 
populating those notable tracts of country called 
Nantucket, Piscataway, and cape Cod. 



DESCRIPTION OF A YANKEE FARMER. 



203 



CHAPTER VII. 

Hoiv these singular barbarians turned out to be notorious squat- 
ters. Horv they built air castles, and attempted to initiate the 
Ncderlanders in the mystery of bundling. 

In the last chapter I have given a faithful and 
unprejudiced account of the origin of that singular 
race of people, inhabiting the country eastward of 
the Nieuw-Nederlandts; but I have yet to mention 
certain peculiar habits which rendered them ex- 
ceedingly obnoxious to our ever-honoured Dutch 
ancestors. 

The most prominent of these was a certain ram- 
bhng propensity, with which, like the sons of Ish- 
mael, they seem to have been gifted by heaven, 
and which continually goads them on to shift their 
residence from place to place, — so that a Yankee 
farmer is in a constant state of migration ; tarry- 
ing occasionally here and there, clearing lands for 
other people to enjoy, building houses for others 
to inhabit, and in a manner may be considered the 
wandering Arab of America. 

His first thought, on coming to the years of 
manhood, is to settle himself in the world — which 
means nothing more nor less than to begin his 
rambles. To this end he takes unto himself for a 
wife some buxom country heiress, passing rich 
in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise- 



204 YANKEE DOODLE'S PROGRESS. 

shell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes 
for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the mystery of 
making apple sweetmeats, long sauce, and pump- 
kin pie. 

Having thus provided himself, like a pedler, with 
a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders 
through the journey of life, he literally sets out 
on the peregrination. His whole family, house- 
hold furniture, and farming utensils, are hoisted 
into a covered cart ; his own and his wife's ward- 
robe packed up in a firkin — which done, he shoul- 
ders his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles " yankee 
doodle," and trudges off to the woods, as con- 
fident of the protection of Providence, and relying 
as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever 
a patriarch of yore when he journeyed into a 
strange country of the Gentiles. Having buried 
himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a log 
hut, clears away a corn-field and potatoe-patch, and. 
Providence smiling upon his labours, is soon sur- 
rounded by a snug farm, and some half a score of 
flaxen-headed urchins, who, by their size, seem to 
have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a 
crop of toadstools. 

But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable 
of speculators to rest contented with any state of 
sublunary enjoyment — improvement is his darling 
passion ; and having thus improved his lands, the 
next care is to provide a mansion worthy the re- 
sidence of a land-holder. A huge palace of pine 
boards immediately springs up in the midst of the 
wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and 



HIS WOODEN PALACE. 205 

furnished with windows of all dimensions ; but so 
rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it 
a fit of the ague. 

By the time the outside of this mighty air castle 
is completed, either the funds or the zeal of our 
adventurer are exhausted, so that he barely ma- 
nages to half finish one room within, where the 
whole family burrow together — while the rest of 
the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or 
storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated 
with fanciful festoons of dried apples and peaches. 
The outside, remaining unpainted, grows venerably 
black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under 
contribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, 
to stuff into the broken windows ; while the four 
winds of heaven keep up a whistling and howling 
about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly 
gambols as they did of yore in the cave of old 
^olus. 

The humble log hut, which whilome nestled this 
improving family snugly within its narrow but 
comfortable walls, stands hard by, in ignominious 
contrast, degraded into a cow-house or pig-sty j 
and the whole scene reminds one forcibly of a 
fable, which I am surprised has never been re- 
corded, of an aspiring snail, who abandoned his 
humble habitation, which he had long filled with 
great respectability, to crawl into the empty shell 
of a lobster — where he would no doubt have re- 
sided with great style and splendor, the envy and 
hate of all the pains-taking snails of his neighbour- 



206 



PEOPLE OF CONNECTICUT. 



hood, had he not accidentally perished with cold, 
in one corner of his stupendous mansion. 

Being' thus completely settled, and, to use his 
own words, " to rights," one would imagine that 
he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his situa- 
tion, to read newspapers, talk politics, neglect his 
own business, and attend to the affairs of the na- 
tion, like a useful and patriotic citizen ; but now 
it is that his wayward disposition begins again to 
operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where 
there is no longer any room for improvement — 
sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and all, 
reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at 
the head of his family, and wanders away in search 
of new lands — again to fell trees, again to clear 
corn-fields, again to build a shingle palace, and 
again to sell off, and wander. 

Such were the people of Connecticut, who 
bordered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw- 
Nederlandts, and my readers may easily imagine 
what obnoxious neighbours this light-hearted but 
restless tribe must have been to our tranquil pro- 
genitors. If they cannot, I would ask them, if 
they have ever known one of our regular well- 
organized Dutch families, whom it hath pleased 
Heaven to afflict with the neighbourhood of a 
French boarding-house ? The honest old burgher 
cannot take his afternoon's pipe, on the bench 
before his door, but he is persecuted with the 
scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and 
the squalling of children — he cannot sleep at night 



THEIR MEDDLING OUTRAGES. 207 

for the horrible melodies of some amateur, who 
chooses to serenade the moon, and display his 
terrible proficiency in ej:ecution on the clarionet, 
the hautboy, or some other soft-toned instrument 
— nor can he leave the street door open but his 
house is defiled by the unsavoury visits of a troop 
of pug dogs, who even sometimes carry their 
lothsome ravages into the sanctum sanctorum, 
the parlour ! 

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings 
of such a family, so situated, they may form some 
idea how our worthy ancestors were distressed by 
their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut. 

Gangs of these marauders^ we are told, pene- 
trated into the New-Netherland settlements, and 
threw whole villages into consternation by their 
unparalleled volubility, and their intolerable in- 
quisitiveness — two evil habits hitherto unknown 
in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; for 
our ancestors were noted as being men of truly 
Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor 
cared aught about any body's concerns but their 
own. Many enormities were committed on the 
highways, where several unoffending burghers 
were brought to a stand, and tortured with ques- 
tions and guesses; which outrages occasioned as 
much vexation and heart-burning as does the 
modern right of search on the high seas. 

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their 
intermeddling and successes among the divine sex ; 
for being a race of brisk, likely, pleasant-tongued 
varlets, they soon seduced the light affections of 



208 EXPLICATION OF SQUATTING. 

the simple damsels from their ponderous Dutch 
gallants. Among other hideous customs, they at- 
tempted to introduce among them that oibundlhig, 
which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, with 
that eager passion for novelty and foreign fashions 
natural to their sex, seemed very well inclined to 
follow; but that their mothers, being more ex- 
perienced in the world, and better acquainted with 
men and things, strenuously discountenanced all 
such outlandish innovations. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our an- 
cestors with these strange folk was an unwarrant- 
able liberty which they occasionably took of enter- 
ing in hordes into the territories of the New-Nether- 
lands, and settling themselves down, without leave 
or licence, to improve the land, in the manner 1 
have before noticed. This unceremonious mode 
of taking possession of nexv land was technically 
termed squatting^ and hence is derived the appella- 
tion of squatters ; a name odious in the ears of all 
great landholders, and which is given to those en- 
terprising worthies, who seize upon land first, and 
take their chance to make good their title to it 
afterwards. 

All these grievances, and many others which 
were constantly accumulating, tended to form that 
dark and portentous cloud, which, as I observed 
in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the 
tranquil province of New-Netherlands. The pa- 
cific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be 
perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a mag- 
nanimity that redounds to their immortal credit — 



HOW A MAN MAY CARRY AN OX. 209 

becoming by passive endurance inured to this 
increasing mass of wrongs ; like that mighty man 
of old, who, by dint of carrying about a calf from 
the time it was born, continued to carry it without 
difficulty when it had grown to be an ox. 



210 ARDUOUS TASK OF THE AUTHOR. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

Hoiv the fori Goed Hoop x^as fenrfully beleaguered — how the re- 
notvued Wouterjell into a profound doubt, mid ham he finally 
evaporated. 

By this time my readers must fully perceive 
Avhat an arduous task I have undertaken — collect- 
ing and collating, with painful minuteness, the 
chronicles of past times, whose events almost defy 
the powers of research — exploring a little kind of 
Herculaneum of history, which had lain nearly for 
ages buried under the rubbish of years, and almost 
totally forgotten — raking up the limbs and frag- 
ments of disjointed facts, and endeavouring to put 
them scrupulously together, so as to restore them 
to their original form and connexion— now lugging 
forth the character of an almost forgotten hero, 
like a mutilated statue — now decyphering a half- 
defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a 
mouldering manuscript, which, after painful study, 
scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 

In such case how much has the reader to depend 
upon the honour and probity of his author, lest, 
like a cunning antiquarian, he either impose upon 
him some spurious fabrication of his own, for a 
precious relic from antiquity — or else dress up the 
dismembered fragment with such false trappings, 
that it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth 



HIS HONOUR AND IMPARTIALITY. 211 

from the fiction with which it is enveloped. This 
is a grievance which I have more than once had 
to lament in the course of my wearisome researches 
among the works of my fellow historians, who 
have strangely disguised and distorted the facts 
respecting this country, and particularly respect- 
ing the great province of New-Netherlands ; as 
will be perceived by any who will take the trouble 
to compare their romantic effusions, tricked out in 
the meretricious gauds of fable, with this authentic 
history. 

I have had more vexations of the kind to en- 
counter in those parts of my history which treat 
of the transactions on the eastern border than in 
any other, in consequence of the troops of histo- 
rians who have infested those quarters, and have 
shown the honest people of Nieuw-Nederlandts no 
mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Ben- 
jamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the 
Dutch were always mere intruders." — Now to 
this I shall make no other reply than to proceed 
in the steady narration of my history, which will 
contain not only proofs that the Dutch had clear 
title and possession in the fair valleys of the Con- 
necticut, and that they were wrongfully dispos- 
sessed thereof — but, likewise, that they have been 
scandalously maltreated ever since, by the misre- 
presentations of the crafty historians of New Eng- 
land. And in this I shall be guided by a spirit of 
truth and impartiality, and a regard to immortal 
fame — for I would not wittingly dishonour my 
work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, or 

V 2 



212 A LONG-BODIED MAN OF WAR. 

prejudice, though it sliould gain our forefathers 
the whole country of New-England. 

It was at an early period of the provincCj and 
previous to the arrival of tlie renowned Wouter, 
that the cabinet of Nieuvz-Nederlandts purchased 
the lands about the Connecticut, and established, 
for their superintendence and protection, a fortified 
post on the banks of the river, which was called 
fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the 
present fair city of Hartford. The command of 
this important post, together with the rank, title, 
and appointment of commissary, were given in 
charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or, as 
some historians will have it, Van Curlis — a most 
doughty soldier, of that stomachful class of which 
we have such numbers on parade days — who are 
famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very 
soldierlike appearance, and would have been an 
exceeding tall man, had his legs been in proportion 
to his body; but the latter being long, and the 
former uncommonly short, it gave him the uncouth 
appearance of a tall man's body mounted upon a 
little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit 
construction of body by throwing his legs to such 
an extent when he marched, that you would have 
sworn he had on the identical seven league boots 
of the far-famed Jack the giant-killer : and so asto- 
nishingly high did he tread, on any great military 
occasion, that his soldiers were ofttimes alarmed, 
lest he should trample himself under foot. 

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, 
and the appointment of this ugly little man of war 



INVASION BY THE SQUATTERS. '213 

as a commander, the intrepid Yankees continued 
those daring interlopings, which I have hinted at 
in my last chapter; and taking advantage of the 
character whicli the cabinet of Wouter Van Twil- 
ler soon acquired for profound and phlegmatic 
tranquillity, did audaciously invade the territories 
of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, and squat themselves 
down within the very jurisdiction of fort Goed 
Hoop. 

On beholding this outrage, the long-bodied Van 
Curlet proceeded as became a prompt and valiant 
officer. He immediately protested against these 
unwarrantable encroachments, in Low Dutch, by 
way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith de- 
spatched a copy of the protest to the governor at 
New-Amsterdam, together with a long and bitter 
account of the aggressions of the enemy. This 
done, he ordered his men, one and all, to be of 
good cheer — shut the gate of the fort, smoked three 
pipes, went to bed, and awaited the result with a 
resolute and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly ani- 
mated his adherents, and no doubt struck sore 
dismay and affright into the hearts of the enemy. 

Now it came to pass, that about this time the 
renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and 
honours, and council dinners, had reached that 
period of life and faculty which, according to the 
great Gulliver, entitles a man to admission into 
the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed 
his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an as- 
semblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly 
as venerable as himself, and who, for their silence. 



214 A DISCUSSION IN VAN TWILLER'S BELLY. 

tlieir gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious 
averseness to coming to any conclusion in business, 
are only to be equalled by certain profound cor- 
porations which I have known in my time. Upon 
reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van 
Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straightway 
into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was 
known to encounter ; his capacious head gradually 
drooped on his chest, he closed his eyes, and in- 
clined his ear to one side, as if listening with great 
attention to the discussion that was going on in 
his belly; which all who knew him declared to be 
the huge court-house or council-chamber of his 
thoughts ; forming to his head what the house of 
representatives do to the senate. An inarticulate 
sound, very much resembling a snore, occasionally 
escaped him — but the nature of this internal co- 
gitation was never known, as he never opened his 
lips on the subject to man, w^oman, or child. In 
the mean time, the protest of Van Curlet laid 
quietly on the table, where it served to light the 
pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council; 
and in the great smoke which they raised, the gal- 
lant Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty fort Goed 
Hoop, were soon as completely beclouded and for- 
gotten, as is a question of emergency swallowed 
up in the speeches and resolutions of a modern 
session of Congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your pro- 
found legislators and sage deliberative councils 
are mightily in the way of a nation ; and when an 
ounce of hare-brained decision is worth a pound 



VAN CURLET'S PRECAUTIONS. 215 

of sage doubt and cautious discussion. Such, at 
least, was the case at present ; for while the re- 
nowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling 
with his doubts, and his resolution growing weaker 
and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed fur- 
ther and further into his territories, and assumed 
a most formidable appearance in the neighbour- 
hood of fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded the 
mighty town of Vijquag^ or, as it has since been 
called, Weather sfield, a place which, if we may 
credit the assertions of that worthy historian, John 
Josselyn, gent. " hath been infamous by reason of 
the witches therein.'* And so daring did these 
men of Pyquag become, that they extended those 
plantations of onions, for which their town is illus- 
trious, under the very noses of the garrison of 
fort Goed Hoop — insomuch that the honest Dutch- 
men could not look toward that quarter without 
tears in their eyes. 

This crying injustice was regarded with proper 
indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. 
He absolutely trembled with the amazing violence 
of his choler, and the exacerbations of his valour; 
which seemed to be the more turbulent in their 
workings, from the length of the body in which 
they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to 
strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breastworks, 
deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with a 
double row of abbatis ; after which valiant precau- 
tions, he despatched a fresh courier with tremend- 
-ous accounts of his perilous situation. 

The courier chosen to bear these alarming de- 



216 HIS FAT, OILY MESSENGER. 

spatches was a fat, oily little man, as being least 
liable to be worn out, or to lose leather on the 
journey ; and to insure his speed, he was mounted 
on the fleetest waggon horse in the garrison, re- 
markable for his length of limb, largeness of bone, 
and hardness of trot ; and so tall, that the little 
messenger was obliged to climb on his back by 
means of his tail and crupper. Such extraordinary 
speed did he make, that he arrived at fort Amster- 
dam in little less than a month, though the di- 
stance was full two hundred pipes, or about 120 
miles. 

The extraordinary appearance of this portent- 
ous stranger v»^ould have thrown the whole town 
of New-Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good 
people troubled themselves about any thing more 
than their domestic aflliirs. With an appearance 
of great hurry and business, and smoking a short 
travelling pipe, he proceeded on a long swing trot 
through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, de- 
molishing whole batches of dirt pies, which the 
little Dutch children were making in the road ; 
and for which kind of pastry the children of this 
city have ever been famous. On arriving at the 
governor's house, he climbed down from his steed 
in great trepidation ; roused the gray-headed door- 
keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant 
and faithful representative, the venerable crier of 
our court, was nodding at his post — rattled at the 
door of the council-chamber, and startled the 
members as they were dozing over a plan for esta- 
blishing a public market. 



VAN TWILLER'S LAST WHIFF. 217 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather 
a deep-drawn snore, was heard from the chair of 
tlie governor; a whiff of smoke was at the same 
instant observed to escape from his lips, and a light 
cloud to ascend from the bowl of his pipe. The 
council of course supposed him engaged in deep 
sleep for the good of the community, and accord- 
ing to custom in all such cases established, every 
man bailed out silence, in order to maintain 
tranquillity ; when, of a sudden, the door flew open, 
and t'le little courier straddled into the apartment, 
cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots, 
v.hich he had got into for the sake of expedition. 
In his right hand he held forth the ominous de- 
spatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the 
waistband of his galligaskins, which had unfor- 
tunately given way, in the exertion of descending 
from his horse. He stumped resolutely up to the 
governor, and with more hurry than perspicuity, 
delivered his message. But fortunately his ill 
tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of 
this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable ex- 
cellency had just breathed and smoked his last — 
his lungs and his pipe having been exhausted to- 
gether, and his peactfful soid having escaped in 
the last whiff that curled from his tobacco-pipe. 
In a word, the renowned Walter the Doubter, 
who had so often slumbered with his cotemporaries, 
now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft 
governed in his stead. 



BOOK IV. 



CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM 
THE TESTY. 



CHAPTER I. 

Shotving the nature qfliistory in general; containing Jurtliermore 
the universal acquirements of William the Testy, and hotv a man 
may learn so much as to render himself good for nothing. 

When the lofty Thucydides is about to enter 
upon his description of the plague that desolated 
Athens, one of his modern commentators assures 
the reader, that the history is now going to be ex- 
ceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic ; and hints, 
with that air of chuckling gratulation, with which 
a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a 
cupboard to regale a favourite, that this plague 
will give his history a most agreeable variety. 

In like manner did my heart leap within me, 
when I came to the dolorous dilemma of fort Good 
Hope, which I at once perceived to be the fore- 
runner of a series of great events and entertaining- 
disasters. Such are the true subjects for the his- 
toric pen. For what is history, in fact, but a kind 
of Newgate calendar, a register of the crimes and 
miseries that man has inflicted on his fellow man? 
It is a huge libel on human nature, to which we 



TRUE CHARACTER OF HEROES. 219 

industriously add page after page, volume after 
volume, as if we were building up a monument 
to the honour, rather than the infamy of our 
species. If we turn over the pages of these chro- 
nicles that man has written of himself, what are 
the characters dignified by the appellation of great, 
and held up to the admiration of posterity ? Ty- 
rants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only for the 
magnitude of their misdeeds, and the stupendous 
wrongs and miseries they have inflicted on man- 
kind — warriors, who have hired themselves to the 
trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous pa- 
triotism, or to protect the injured and defenceless, 
but merely to gain the vaunted glory of being 
adroit and successful in massacring their fellow 
beings ! What are the great events that con- 
stitute a glorious era ? — The fall of empires — the 
desolation of happy countries — splendid cities 
smoking in their ruins — the proudest works of art 
tumbled in the dust — the shrieks and groans of 
whole nations ascending unto heaven! 

It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on 
the miseries of mankind, like birds of prey that 
hover over the field of battle, to fatten on the 
mighty dead. It was observed by a great pro- 
jector of inland lock navigation, that rivers, lakes, 
and oceans, were only formed to feed canals. In 
like manner I am tempted to believe, that plots, 
conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres, are 
ordained by Providence only as food for the 
historian. 

It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, 



!220 COMMENCEMENT OF THE BEIGN 

ill studying the wonderful economy of nature, to 
trace the mutual dependencies of things, how they 
are created reciprocally for each other, and how 
the most noxious, and apparently unnecessary ani- 
mal has its uses. Thus those swarms of flies, 
which are so often execrated as useless vermin, 
are created for the sustenance of spiders — and 
spiders, on the other hand, are evidently made to 
devour flies. So those heroes who have been such 
scourges to the world were bounteously provided 
as themes for the poet and the historian, while the 
poet and the historian were destined to record the 
achievements of heroes ! . 

These, and many similar reflections, naturally 
arose in my mind, as I took up my pen to com- 
mence the reign of William Kieft : for now the 
stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled in 
a tranquil current, is about to depart for ever from 
its peaceful haunts, and brawl through many a 
turbulent and rugged scene. Like some sleek ox, 
which, having fed and fattened in a rich clover- 
field, lies sunk in luxurious repose, and will bear 
repeated taunts and blows, before it heaves its 
unwieldy limbs, and clumsily arouses from its 
slumbers j so the province of the Nieuw-Neder- 
landts, having long thrived and grown corpulent 
under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was 
reluctantly awakened to a melancholy conviction, 
that, by patient sufferance, its grievances had be- 
come so numerous and aggravating, that it was 
})referable to repel than endure them. The reader 
will now witness the manner in which a peaceful 



OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 221 

community advances towards a state of war; which 
it is too apt to approach, as a horse does a drum, 
with much prancing and parade, but with little 
progress — and too often with the wrong end fore- 
most. 

WiLHELMUs KiEFT, who in 1634^ ascended the 
Gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favourite, though 
clumsy, appellation of modern phraseologists), was 
in form, feature, and character, the very reverse 
of Wouter Van Twiller, his renowned predecessor. 
He was of very respectable descent, his father 
being Inspector of Windmills in the ancient town 
of Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, made 
very curious investigations into the nature and 
operations of those machines when a boy, which is 
one reason why he afterwards came to be so in- 
genious a governor. His name, according to the 
most ingenious etymologists, was a corruption of 
Kyver, that is to say, a "wrangler or scolder, and 
expressed the hereditary disposition of his family; 
which for nearly two centuries had kept the. windy 
town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more 
tartars and brimstones than any ten families in 
the place — and so truly did Wilhelmus Kieft in- 
herit tins family endowment, that he had scarcely 
been a year in the discharge of his government 
before he was universally known by the appella- 
tion of William the Testy. 

He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, 
who had dried and withered away, partly through 
the natural process of years, and partly from being 
parclicd and burnt up by liis fiery soul ; which 



222 HIS PERSONAL ENDOWMENTS. 

blazed like a vehement rush-light in his bosom, 
constantly inciting him to most valorous broils, 
altercations, and misadventures. I have heard it 
observed by a profound and philosophical judge of 
human nature, that if a woman waxes fat as she 
grows old, the tenure of her life is very precarious; 
but if haply she withers, she lives for ever — 
such likewise was the case with William the Testy, 
who grew tougher in proportion as he dried. He 
was some such a little Dutchman as we may now 
and then see stumping briskly about the streets 
of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with huge but- 
tons, an old-fashioned cocked hat stuck on the 
back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin* 
His visage was broad, and his features sharp; 
his nose turned up with a most petulant curl ; his 
cheeks were scorched into a dusky red — doubtless 
in consequence of the neighbourhood of two fierce 
little gray eyes, through which his torrid soul 
beamed with tropical fervour. The corners of his 
mouth were curiously modelled into a kind of fret- 
work, not a little resembling the wrinkled pro- 
boscis of an irritable pug dog — in a word, he was 
one of the most positive, restless, ugly, little men, 
that ever put himself in a passion about nothing. 

Such were the personal endowments of William 
the Testy, but it was the sterling riches of his 
mind that raised him to dignity and power. In 
his youth he had passed with great credit through 
a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for pro- 
ducingfinished scholars with a despatch unequalled, 
except by certain of our American colleges. Here 



HIS UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS. 22S 

he skirmished very smartly on the frontiers of 
several of the sciences, and made so gallant an 
inroad in the dead languages, as to bring off cap- 
tive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, to- 
gether with divers pithy saws and apophthegms, all 
which he constantly paraded in conversation and 
writing, with as much vain glory as would a tri- 
umphant general of yore display the spoils of the 
countries he had ravaged. He had, moreover, puz- 
zled himself considerably with logic, in which he 
had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar 
acquaintance, by name at least, with the whole 
family of syllogisms and dilemmas ; but what he 
chiefly valued himself on was his knowledge of 
metaphysics, in which, having once upon a time 
ventured too deeply, he came well nigh being 
smothered in a slough of unintelligible learning — • 
a fearful peril, from the effects of which he never 
perfectly recovered. This, I must confess, was 
in some measure a misfortune, for he never en^affed 
in argument, of w^hich he was exceeding fond, but 
what, between logical deductions and metaphysical 
jargon, he soon involved himself and his subject 
in a fog of contradictions and perplexities, and 
then would get into a mighty passion with his ad- 
versary, for not being convinced gratis. 

It is in knowledge, as in swimming; he who 
ostentatiously sports and flounders on the surface 
makes more noise and splashing, and attracts more 
attention, than the industrious pearl diver, who 
plunges in search of treasures to the bottom. Tlie 
" universal acquirements*' of William Kieft were 



524 THEIR DISADVANTAGES. 

the subject of great marvel and admiration among 
liis countrymen — he figured about at the Hague 
with as much vain glory as does a profound Bonze 
at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the 
Chinese alphabet ; and, in a word, was unani- 
mously pronounced an universal genius I — I have 
known many universal geniuses in my time, though, 
to speak my mind freely, I never knew one who, 
for the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his 
w eight in straw — but for the purposes of govern- 
ment, a little sound judgment, and plain common 
sense, is worth all the sparkling genius that ever 
v/rote poetry, or invented theories. 

Strange as it may sound, therefore, the imiversal 
acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus were 
very much in his way; and had he been a less 
learned man, it is possible he would have been a 
much greater governor. He was exceedingly fond 
of trying philosophical and political experiments ; 
and having stuffed his head full of scraps and rem- 
nants of ancient republics and oligarchies, and 
aristocracies and monarchies, and the laws of So- 
lon and Lycurgus and Charondas, and the imagi- 
nary commonwealth of Plato, and the Pandects of 
Justinian, and a thousand other fragments of ve- 
nerable antiquity, he was for ever bent upon in- 
troducing some one or other of them into use ; so 
that between one contradictory measure and an- 
other, he entangled the government of the little 
province of Nieuw-Ned.erlandts in more knots 
during his administration than half a dozen suc- 
cessors could have untied. 



SYMPHONY PRECEDING HIS SPEECH. '^^O 

No sooner had this bustUng Uttle man been 
blown by a whifF of fortune into the seat of go- 
vernment than he called together his council, and 
delivered a very animated speech on the affairs of 
tiie province. As every body knows what a glo- 
rious opportunity a governor, a president, or even 
an emperor has, of drubbing his enemies in his 
speeches, messages, and bulletins, where he has 
the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the 
high-mettled William Kieft did not suffer so fa- 
vourable an occasion to escape him of evincing 
that gallantry of tongue, common to all able legis- 
lators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that 
he took out his pocket handkerchief, and gave a 
very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the 
usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I 
believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the 
attention of the auditors ; but with William the 
Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he had 
read of the singular expedient of that famous de- 
magogue Caius Gracchus, who, when he harangued 
the Roman populace, modulated his tones by an 
oratorial flute or pitch-pipe. 

This preparatory symphony being performed, 
he commenced by expressing a humble sense of 
his own want of talents — his utter unworthiness 
of the honour conferred upon him, and his humi- 
liating incapacity to discharge the important duties 
of his new station — in short, he expressed so con- 
temptible an opinion of himself, that many simple 
country members present, ignorant that these were 
mere words of course, always used on such oc- 

Q 



226 THE SPEECH ITSELF. 

casions, were very uneasy, and even felt wroth that 
he should accept an office, for which he was con- 
sciously so inadequate. 

He then proceeded in a manner highly classic 
and profoundly erudite, though nothing at all to 
the purpose, being nothing more than a pompous 
account of all the governments of ancient Greece, 
and the wars of Rome and Carthage, together with 
the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, 
about which the assembly knew no more than their 
great grandchildren yet unborn. Thus having, 
after the manner of your learned orators, convinced 
the audience that he was a man of many words 
and great erudition, he at length came to the less 
important part of his speech, the situation of the 
province — and here he soon worked himself into a 
fearful rage against the Yankees, whom he com- 
pared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the 
Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains 
of Europe — nor did he forget to mention, in terms 
of adequate opprobrium, the insolence with which 
they had encroached upon the territories of New- 
Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with 
which they had commenced the town of New- 
Plymouth, and planted the onion patches of 
Weathersfield under the very walls of fort Goed 
Hoop. 

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of 
terror to a climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, 
and declared, with a nod of knowing import, that 
he had taken measures to put a final stop to these 
encroachments — that he had been obliged to have 



HIS AWFUL PROCLAMATION. '2'27 

recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately- 
invented, awful in its effects, but authorized by 
direful necessity : in a word, he was resolved to 
conquer the Yankees — by proclamation ! 

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous 
instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, 
and enjoining the intruders aforesaid, forthwith to 
remove, depart, and withdraw from the districts, 
regions, and territories aforesaid, under pain of 
suffering all the penalties, forfeitures, and punish- 
ments in such case made and provided. This pro- 
clamation, he assured them, would at once exter- 
minate the enemy from the face of the country ; 
and he pledged his valour as a governor, tliat 
within two months after it was published, not one 
stone should remain on another in any of the towns 
which they had built. 

The council remained for some time silent after 
he had finished ; whether struck dumb with ad- 
miration at the brilliancy of his project, or put to 
sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of 
the times doth not mention. Suflfice it to say, they 
at length gave a universal grunt of acquiescence 
— the proclamation was immediately despatched 
with due ceremony, having the great seal of the 
province, which was about the size of a buckwheat 
pancake, attached to it by a broad red riband. 
Governor Kieft having thus vented his indignation, 
felt greatly relieved — adjourned the council — put 
on his cocked liat and corduroy small-clothes, and 
mounting a tall raw-boned charger, trotted out to 

Q'2 



223 HIS REPOSE AT DOG'S MISERY. 

his country seat, which was situated in a sweet, 
sequestered swamp, now called Dutch street, but 
more commonly known by the name of Dog's 
Misery. 

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the 
toils of legislation, taking lessons in government, 
not from the nymph Egeria, but from the honoured 
wife of his bosom ; who was one of that peculiar 
kind of females, sent upon earth a little after 
the flood, as a punishment for the sins of man- 
kind, and commonly known by the appellation of 
know'mg women. In fact, my duty as an historian 
obliges me to make known a circumstance which 
was a great secret at the time, and consequently 
was not a subject of scandal at more than half the 
tea-tables in New- Amsterdam, but which, like 
many other great secrets, has leaked out in the 
lapse of years — and this was, that the great Wil- 
helmus the Testy, though one of the most potent 
little men that ever breathed, yet submitted at 
home to a species of government neither laid 
down in Aristotle or Plato ; in short, it partook 
of the nature of a pure unmixed tyranny, and is 
familiarly denominated petticoat government. — An 
absolute sway, which, though exceedingly com- 
mon in these modern days, was very rare among 
the ancients, if we may judge from the rout made 
about the domestic economy of honest Socrates ; 
which is the only ancient case on record. 

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the 
sneers and sarcasms of liis particular friends, who 



HE WHO WOULD GOVERN MUST OBEY. 2^9 

are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points 
of the kind, by alleging that it was a government 
of his own election, to which he submitted through 
choice ; adding, at the same time, a profound 
maxim which he had found in an ancient author, 
that *' he who would aspire to govern should first 
learn to obei/,'* 



^30 FATE OF THE PROCLAMATION. 



CHAPTER II. 

In ivhich are recorded the sage projects of a ruler of universal 
genms. The art of Jighting hy proclamation, — and hoto that 
the valiant Jacobus Van Ciirlet came to he Joidly dishonoured 
at fort Goed Hoop. 

Never was a more comprehensive, a more ex- 
peditious, or, what is still better, a more econo- 
mical measure devised, than this of defeating 
the Yankees by proclamation — an expedient, like- 
wise, so humane, so gentle and pacific, there were 
ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding ; — 
but then there was one chance to ten that it would 
not succeed: — as the ill-natured Fates would have 
it, that single chance carried the day ! The pro- 
clamation was perfect in all its parts, well con- 
structed, well written, well sealed, and well pub- 
lished — all that was wanting to insure its effect 
was that the Yankees should stand in awe of it ; 
but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the 
most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly 
purpose, and thus did the first warlike proclama- 
tion come to a shameful end — a fate which I am 
credibly informed has befallen but too many of 
its successors. 

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft 
could be persuaded by the united efforts of all his 
counsellors, that his war measures had failed in 
producing any effect. — On the contrary, he flew in 



A SECOND ONE ISSUED. 231 

a passion whenever any one dared to question its 
efficacy ; and swore, that though it was slow in 
operating, yet when once it began to work, it 
would soon purge the land of these rapacious in- 
truders. Time, however, that test of all experi- 
ments both in philosophy and politics, at length 
convinced the great Kieft that his proclamation 
was abortive 5 and that notwithstanding he had 
waited nearly four years, in a state of constant 
irritation, yet he was still further off than ever 
from the object of his wishes. His implacable 
adversaries in the east became more and more 
troublesome in their encroachments, and founded 
the thriving colony of Hartford close upon the 
skirts of fort Goed Hoop. They, moreover, com- 
menced the fair settlement of Newhaven (other- 
wise called the Red Hills), within the domains of 
their High Mightinesses — while the onion patches 
of Fyquag were a continual eyesore to the gar- 
rison of Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, 
the inefficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like 
many a wortliy practitioner of physic, laid the 
blame, not to the medicine, but to the quantity 
administered, and resolutely resolved to double 
the dose. 

In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth 
year of his reign, he fulminated against them a 
second proclamation, of heavier metal than the 
former ; written in thundering long sentences, not 
one word of which was under five syllables. This, 
in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbid- 



A LONG PAUSE. 

ding and prohibiting all commerce and connexion 
between any and every of the said Yankee in- 
truders, and the said fortified post of fort Goed 
Hoop, and ordering, commanding, and advising 
all his trusty, loyal, and well-beloved subjects, to 
furnish them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, 
or sour crout ; to buy none of their pacing horses, 
measly pork, apple brandy, Yankee rum, cider 
water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or 
wooden bowls, but to starve and exterminate them 
from the face of the land. 

Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, during 
which the last proclamation received the same at- 
tention, and experienced the same fate as the first 
— at the end of which term, the gallant Jacobus 
Van Curlet despatched his annual messenger, 
with his customary budget of complaints and en- 
treaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, 
intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's 
couriers, was occasioned by the systematic regu- 
larity of his movements, or by the immense di- 
stance at which he was stationed from the seat of 
government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some 
have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, 
who, as I have before noticed, were chosen from 
the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least 
likely to be worn out on the road ; and who, being 
pursy, short-wdnded little men, generally travelled 
fifteen miles a day, and then laid by a whole week 
to rest. All these, however, are matters of con- 
jecture ; and I ratlier think it may be ascribed to 



VAN CURLET'S COMPLAINTS. 233 

the immemorial maxim of this wortliy country — 
and which has ever influenced all its public trans- 
actions — not to do things in a hurry. 

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his de- 
spatches respectfully represented, that several 
years had now elapsed since his first application to 
his late excellency, Wouter Van Twiller ; during 
which interval, his garrison had been reduced 
nearly one-eighth by the death of two of his most 
valiant and corpulent soldiers, who had accident- 
ally overeaten themselves on some fat salmon, 
caught in the Varsche river. He further stated, 
that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking 
no notice of the fort or its inhabitants ; but squat- 
ting themselves down, and forming settlements all 
around it ; so that, in a little while, he should find 
himself enclosed and blockaded by the enemy, and 
totally at their mercy. 

But among the most atrocious of his grievances, 
I find the following still on record, which may 
serve to show the bloody-minded outrages of these 
savage intruders. " In the mean time, they of 
Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the 
lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously, and 
against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our 
nation in sowing theire owne purchased broken up 
lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the 
night, which the Netherlanders had broken up and 
intended to sowe : and have beaten the servants of 
the high and mighty the honored companie, which 
were labouring upon theire master's lands, from 
theire lands, with sticks and })l()\v staves in hostile 



2.S4 A HOG'S RIGHTS VIOLATED. 

manner laming, and amongst the rest, struck Ever 
Duckings * a hole in his head, with a stick, soe 
that the blood ran downe very strongly downe 
upon his body." 

But what is still more atrocious — 

" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged 
to the honored companie, under pretence that it 
had eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had 
not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the 
hogg for 5^. if the commissioners would have given 
5s. for damage ; which the commissioners denied, 
because noe man's owne hogg (as men use to say) 
can trespass upon his owne master's grounde t." 

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in- 
censed the whole community — there was some- 
thing in it that spoke to the dull comprehension, 
and touched the obtuse feelings even of the puis- 
sant vulgar, who generally require a kick in the 
rear to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have 
known my profound fellow-citizens bear without 
murmur a thousand essential infring-ements of their 
rights, merely because they were not immediately 
obvious to their senses — but the moment the un- 
lucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, the whole 
body politic was in a ferment : — so the enlightened 
Nederlanders, though they Iiad treated the en- 
croachments of their eastern neighbours with but 
little regard, and left their quill-valiant governor 

* This name is no doubt mis-spelt. In some old Dutch MSS. 
of the time, wc find tlie name of Evert Duyckingh, Avho is un- 
questionably the unfortunate hero above alluded to. 

I Ilaz. Col. Stat. Papers. 



DELIBERATIONS OF THE COUNCIL. 235 

to bear the whole brunt of M'ar with his single pen 
— yet now every individual felt his head broken 
in the broken head of Duckings — and the unhappy 
fate of their fellow-citizen the hog, being impressed, 
carried, and sold into captivity, awakened a grunt 
of sympathy from every bosom. 

The governor and council, goaded by the cla- 
mours of the multitude, now set themselves ear- 
nestly to deliberate upon what was to be done. — 
Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary 
disrepute ; some were for sending the Yankees a 
tribute, as we make peace-offerings to the petty 
Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the 
devil. Others were for buying them out ; but this 
was opposed, as it would be acknowledging their 
title to the land they had seized. A variety of 
measures were, as usual in such cases, proposed, 
discussed, and abandoned ; and the council had 
at last to adopt the means, which, being the most 
common and obvious, had been knowingly over- 
looked — for your amazing acute politicians are for 
ever looking through telescopes, which only enable 
them to see such objects as are far off, and unat- 
tainable ; but which incapacitate them to see such 
things as are in their reach, and obvious to all sim- 
ple folks, who are content to look with the naked 
eyes heaven has given them. The profound coun- 
cil, as I have said, in their pursuit after Jack-o'- 
lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the very mea- 
sure they were in need of j which was to raise a 
body of troops, and despatch them to the relief 
and reinforcement of the garrison. This measure 



^3G CAPTURE OF FORT GOED HOOP 

was carried into such prompt operation, that in 
less than twelve months the whole expedition, 
consisting of a serjeant and twelve men, was ready 
to march ; and was reviewed for that purpose in 
the public square, now known by the name of the 
Bowling-Green. Just at this juncture the whole 
community was thrown into consternation by the 
sudden arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, 
who came straggling into town at the head of his 
crew of tatterdemalions, and bringing the melan- 
choly tidings of his own defeat, and the capture 
of the redoubtable post of fort Goed Hoop by the 
ferocious Yankees. 

The fate of this important fortress is an impres- 
sive warning to all military commanders. It was 
neither carried by storm nor famine ; no practica- 
ble breach was effected by cannon or mines ; no 
magazines were blown up by red-hot shot ; nor 
were the barracks demolished, or the garrison de- 
stroyed, by the bursting of bomb-shells. In fact, 
the place was taken by a stratagem no less singular 
than effectual, and one that can never fail of suc- 
cess, whenever an opportunity occurs of putting- 
it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the credit 
of our illustrious ancestors, that it was a stratagem 
which, though it impeached the vigilance, yet left 
the bravery of the intrepid Van Curlet and his 
garrison perfectly free from reproach. 

It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard 
of the regular habits of the garrison, watched a 
favourable opportunity, and silently introduced 
themselves into the fort about the middle of a 



BY THE YANKEES. ^3? 

sultry day ; when its vigilant defenders, having 
gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, and 
smoked out their pipes, were one and all snoring 
most obstreperously at their posts, little dreaming 
of so disastrous an occurrence. The enemy most 
inhumanly seized Jacobus Van Curlet and his 
sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gal- 
lanted them to the gate of the fort, and dismissed 
them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as 
Charles the twelfth dismissed the heavy-bottomed 
Russians after the battle of Narva — only taking 
care to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal 
mark of distinction. 

A strong garrison was immediately established 
in the fort, consisting of twenty long-sided, hard- 
fisted Yankees, with Weathersfield onions stuck in 
their hats, by way of cockades and feathers — long 
rusty fowling-pieces for muskets — hasty pudding, 
dumb fish, pork, and molasses, for stores ; and a 
huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a pole, 
as a standard — ^liberty caps not having as yet come 
into fashion. 



238 WRATH OF GOVERNOR KJEFT. 



CHAPTER III. 

Containing the fearful ivrath of William the Testy, and the great 
dolour of the Nevc-llmsterdammcrs, because of the affair qffort 
Goed Hoop. — And, moreover, hotv William the Testy did 
strongly fortify the city. — Together tvith the exploits of Stoffel 
Brinkerhnjf.^ 

Language cannot express the prodigious fury 
into which the testy Wilhehnus Kieft was thrown 
by this provoking intelhgence. For three good 
hours the rage of the Httle man was too great for 
words, or rather the words were too great for him ; 
and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, 
mis-shapen, nine-cornered Dutch oaths, that 
crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed 
off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing 
for three whole days — anathematizing the Yan- 
kees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for 
a set of dieven, schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist- 
zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes-kaken, kakken- 
bedden, and a thousand other names of which, 
unfortunately for posterity, history does not make 
mention. Finally, he swore that he would have 
nothing more to do with such a squatting, bun- 
dling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin - 
eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider- 
watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew — 
that they might stay at fort Goed Hoop and rot, 



DESPONDENCY PREVAILS. 239 

before he would dirty his hands by attempting to 
drive tliem away; in proof of which he ordered the 
new raised troops to be marched forthwith into 
winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite 
midsummer. Governor Kieft faithfully kept his 
word, and his adversaries as faithfully kept their 
post ; and thus the glorious river Connecticut, and 
all the gay valleys through which it rolls, together 
with the salmon, shad, and other fish within its 
waters, fell into the hands of the victorious Yan- 
kees, by whom they are held at this very day. 

Great despondency seized upon the city of New- 
Amsterdam, in consequence of these melancholy 
events. The name of Yankee became as terrible 
among our good ancestors as was that of Gaul 
among the ancient Romans ; and all the sage old 
women of the province used it as a bugbear, 
wherewith to frighten their unruly children into 
obedience. 

The eyes of all the provinces were now turned 
upon their governor, to know what he would do 
for the protection of the common weal, in these 
days of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions 
prevailed among the reflecting part of the commu- 
nity, especially the old women, that these terrible 
warriors of Connecticut, not content with the 
conquest of fort Goed Hoop, would incontinently 
march on to New- Amsterdam and take it by storm 
— and as these old ladies, through means of the 
governor's spouse, who, as has been already 
hinted, was " the better horse," had obtained con- 
siderable influence in public affairs, keeping the 



^40 VAN CORLEAR, THE TRUMPETER. 

province under a kind of petticoat government, it 
was determined that measures should be taken for 
the effective fortification of the city. 

Nowithappenedthat at this time there sojourned 
in New Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear, * 
a jolly fat Dutch trumpetei', of a pleasant burly 
visage, famous for his long wind and his huge 
whiskers, and who, as the story goes, could twang 
so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an 
effect upon all within hearing as though ten thou- 
sand bagpipes were singing right lustily i' the 
nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as 
the man of all the world most fitted to be the 
champion of New- Amsterdam, and to garrison its 
fort ; making little doubt but that his instrument 
would be as effectual and offensiv^e in war as was 
that of the Paladin Astolpho, or the more classic 
horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart 
good to have seen the governor snapping his fin- 
gers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy 
trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, 
fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the 
whole world, like a thrice valorous editor daringly 
insulting all the principalities and powers — on tlie 
other side of the Atlantic. 

Nor was he content with thus strongly garrison- 
ing the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to 

* David Pietrez De Vri.es in his " lleyze naer Nieuw-Neder- 
landt onder het year 1640," makes mention of one Corlear, a 
trumpeter in fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's 
Hook, and who was doubtless this same champion described by 
Mr. Knickerbocker. Editok. 



WINDMILL FORTIFICATIONS. 241 

its strength, by furnisliing it with a formidable 
battery of quaker guns — rearing a stupendous flag- 
staff in the centre, which overtopped the whole 
city — and, moreover, by building a great windmill 
on one of the bastions*. This last, to be sure, was 
somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification ; 
but as I have already observed, William Kieft was 
notorious for innovations and experiments, and 
traditions do affirm that he was much given to me- 
chanical inventions — constructing patent smoke- 
jacks — carts that went before the horses, and 
especially erecting windmills, for which machines 
he had acquired a singular predilection in his na- 
tive town of Saardam. 

All these scientific vagaries of the little go- 
vernor were cried up with ecstacy by his adherents, 
as proof of his universal genius — but there were 
not wanting ill-natured grumblers, who railed at 
him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, 
and devoting that time to smoke-jacks and wind- 
mills, which should have been occupied in the more 
important concerns of the province. Nay, they 
even went so far as to hint once or twice that his 
head was turned by his experiments, and that he 
really thought to manage his government as he did 
his mills— by mere wind ! — such is the illiberality 
and slander to which enlightened rulers are ever 
subject. 

* De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east 
bastion, and it is likewise to be seen^ together with the flag- 
start", in Justus Banker's View of New-Amsterdam. 

R 



242 ATTACK ON OYSTER BAY. 

Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of 
William the Testy to place the city in a posture of 
defence, the inhabitants continued in great alarm 
and despondency. But fortune, who seems always 
careful, in the very nick of time, to throw a bone 
for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling elf may 
be kept alive, did about this time crown the arms 
of the province with success in another quarter, 
and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn 
Nederlanders ; otherwise there is no knowing to 
what lengths they might have gone in the excess 
of their sorrowing — *' for grief," says the profound 
historian of the seven champions of Christendom, 
" is companion with despair, and despair a procurer 
of infamous death!" 

Among the numerous inroads of the Moss- 
troopers of Connecticut, which for some time past 
had occasioned such great tribulation, I should 
particularly have mentioned a settlement made on 
the eastern part of Long-Island, at a place which, 
from the peculiar excellence of its shell-fish, was 
called Oyster Bay. This w^as attacking the pro- 
vince in a most sensible part, and occasioned great 
agitation at New- Amsterdam. 

It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to 
skilful physiologists, that the high road to the 
affections is through the throat ; and this may be 
accounted for on the same principles which I have 
already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. 
Nor is the fact unknown to the world at large ; 
and hence do we observe, that the surest way to 
gain the hearts of the million is to feed them well 



ALLIANCE OF THE HEART AND STOMACH. 243 

.—and that a man is never so disposed to flatter, 
to please and serve another, as wlien he is feeding 
at his expense ; which is one reason why your rich 
men, who give frequent dinners, have such abund- 
ance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this 
principle that our knowing leaders of parties secure 
the affections of their partizans, by rewarding them 
bountifully with loaves and fishes ; and entrap the 
^ suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them with 
bull-feasts and roasted oxen. I have known many 
a man in this same city acquire considerable im- 
portance in society, and usurp a large share of the 
good will of his enlightened fellow-citizens, when 
the only thing that could be said in his eulogium 
was, that *' he gave a good dinner, and kept ex- 
cellent wine.'* 

Since, then, the heart and the stomach are so 
nearly allied, it follows conclusively, that what 
affects the one must sympathetically affect the 
other. Now it is an equally incontrovertible 
fact, that, of all offerings to the stomach, there is 
none more grateful than the testaceous marine 
animal, known commonly by the vulgar name of 
Oyster : and in such great reverence has it ever 
been held by my gormandizing fellow-citizens, 
that temples have been dedicated to it, time out 
of mind, in every street, lane, and alley, through- 
out this well-fed city. It is not to be expected, 
therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place 
abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be 
tolerated by the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam. 
An attack upon their honour they might have par- 

R 2 



244 STOFFEL THE HEAD- BREAKER. 

doned ; even the massacre of a few citizens might 
have been passed over in silence ; but an ontrage 
that affected the larders of the great city of New- 
Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its 
corpulent burgomasters, was too serious to pass 
unrevenged. — The whole council was unanimous 
in opinion, that the intruders should be imme- 
diately driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay 
and its vicinity ; and a detachment was accord- 
ingly despatched for the piu'pose, under the com- 
mand of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd, 
(i. e. Stoffel, the head-breaker), so called because 
he was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout 
the whole extent of Nieuw-Nederlandts for his skill 
at quarter -staff; and for size, he would have been 
a match for Colbrand, the Danish champion, slain 
by Guy of Warwick. 

Stoffel Brinkerhoff was a man of few words, but 
prompt actions — one of your straight-going officers, 
who march directly forward, and do their orders 
without making any parade. He used no extra- 
ordinary speed in his movements, but trudged 
steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and 
Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town of 
Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, 
which, by some unaccountable witchcraft of the 
Yankees, have been strangely transplanted to 
Long-Island, until he arrived in the neighbour- 
hood of Oyster Bay. 

Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host 
of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and 
Habbakuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerub- 



HIS MIGHTY VICTORY. 245 

babel Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittle, and Deter- 
mined Cock ! — at the sound of whose names the 
courageous StolFel verily believed that the whole 
parliament of Praise God Barebones had been let 
loose to discomfit him. Finding, however, that 
this formidable body was composed merely of the 
*' select men" of the settlement, armed with no 
other weapon but their tongues, and that tliey had 
issued forth with no other intent than to meet him 
on the field of argument— he succeeded in putting 
them to the rout with little difficulty, and com- 
pletely broke up their settlement. Without wait- 
ing to write an accoinit of his victory on the spot, 
and thus letting the enemy slip through liis fingers, 
while he was securing his own laurels, as a more 
experienced general would have done, the brave 
StofFel thought of nothing but completing his en- 
terprise, and utterly driving the Yankees from the 
island. This hardy enterprise he performed in 
much the same manner as he had been accustomed 
to drive his oxen ; for, as the Yankees fled before 
him, he pulled up his breeches, and trudged steadily 
after them, and would infallibly have driven them 
into the sea, had they not begged for quarter, and 
agreed to pay tribute. 

The news of this achievement was a seasonable 
restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New- 
Amsterdam. To gratify them still more, the go- 
vernor resolved to astonish them with one of those 
gorgeous spectacles known in the days of classic 
antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged 
into his memory when a school-boy at the Hague. 



246 



HIS TRIUMPHAL ENTRY. 



A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to Stoffel 
BrinkerhofF, who made his triumphant entrance 
into town riding on a Naraganset pacer ; five 
pumpkins, which, like Roman eagles, had served 
the enemy for standards, were carried before him 
• — fifty cart-loads of oysters, five hundred bushels 
-of Weathersfield onions, a hundred quintals of 
cod-fish, two liGgsheads of molasses, and various 
other treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and 
tribute of the Yankees ; while three notorious 
counterfeiters of Manhattan notes* were led cap- 
tive to grace the hero's triumph. The procession 
was enlivened by martial music, from the trumpet 
of Antony Van Corlear the champion, accompa^ 
nied by a select band of boys and negroes, per- 
forming on the national instruments of rattle- 
bones and clam-shells. The citizens devoured 
the spoils in sheer gladness of heart — every man 
did honour to the conqueror, by getting devoutly 
drunk on New-England rum — and the learned 
Wilhelmus Kieft calling to mind, in a momentary 
fit of enthusiasm and generosity, that it was cusr 
tomary among the ancients to honour their vic- 
torious generals with pubUc statues, passed a gra- 
cious decree, by which every tavern-keeper was 
permitted to paint the head of the intrepid Stoffel 
on his sign ! 

* This is one of those trivial anachronisms that now and then 
occur in the course of this otherwise authentic history. How 
could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, when as yet Banks 
were unknown in this country — and our simple progenitors had 
not even dreamt of those inexhaustible mines oi paper opulence? 

Print. Dev. 



PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS. 247 



CHAPTER IV. 

Pkilosojjhical reflections on the folly of being happy in iiincj of 
prosperity. — Sundry troubles on the southern foontiers. — Hotv 
IVilliam the Testy had "well nigh ruined the province through a 
cabalistic word. — As also the secret expedition of Jan Jansen 
Alpendam, and his astonishing reivard. 

If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame 
Fortune, where, like a notable landlady, she regu- 
larly chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts 
of mankind, we should find that, upon the whole, 
good and evil are pretty nearly balanced in this 
world; and that though we may for a long while 
revel in the very lap of prosperity, the time will 
at length come when we must ruefully pay off the 
reckoning. Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent shrew, 
and withal a most inexorable creditor ; for though 
she may indulge her favourites in long credits, 
and overwhelm them with her favours, yet sooner 
or later she brings up her arrears, with the rigour 
of an experienced publican, and washes out her 
scores with their tears. " Since," says good old 
Boetius, " no man can retain her at his pleasure, 
and since her flight is so deeply lamented, what 
are her favours but sure prognostications of ap- 
proaching trouble and calamity!" 

There is nothing that more moves my contempt 
at the stupidity and want of reflection of my fel- 



248 THE ESSENCE OF WISDOM. 

low men than to behold them rejoicing, and in- 
dulging in security and self-confidence, in times 
of prosperity. To a wise man, who is blessed with 
the light of reason, those are the very moments of 
anxiety and apprehension ; well knowing that, ac- 
cording to the system of things, happiness is at 
best but transient — and that the higher he is ele- 
vated by the capricious breath of fortune, the lower 
must be his proportionate depression. Whereas 
he who is overwhelmed by calamity has the less 
chance of encountering fresh disasters, as a man 
at the bottom of a ladder runs very little risk of 
breaking his neck by tumbling to the top. 

This is the very essence of true wisdom, which 
consists in knowing when we ought to be miser- 
able, and was discovered much about the same 
time with that invaluable secret, that " every thing 
is vanity and vexation of spirit:" in consequence 
of which maxim, your wise men have ever been 
the unhappiest of the human race ; esteeming it 
as an infallible mark of genius to be distressed 
without reason — since any man may be miserable 
in time of misfortune, but it is the philosopher 
alone who can discover cause for grief in the very 
hour of prosperity. 

According to the principle I have just advanced, 
we find that the colony of New-Netherlands, which, 
under the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had 
flourished in such alarming and fatal serenity, is 
now paying for its former welfare, and discharging 
the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. 
Foes harass it from dilierent quarters 5 the city of 



PETER MINNEWITS. 249 

New-Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept 
in constant alarm ; and its valiant commander, 
William the Testy, answers the vulgar, but ex- 
pressive idea, of '• a man in a peck of troubles." 
■ While busily engaged repelling his bitter enemies 
the Yankees, on one side, we find him suddenly 
molested in another quarter, and by other assail- 
ants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the con- 
duct of Peter Minnewits, and professing allegiance 
to that redoubtable virago, Christina, queen of 
Sweden, had settled themselves, and erected a fort 
on South (or Delaware) river — within the bound- 
aries claimed by the government of the New-Ne- 
therlands. History is mute as to the particulars 
of their first landing, and their real pretensions to 
the soil ; and this is the more to be lamented, as 
this same colony of Swedes will hereafter be found 
most materially to affect not only the interests of 
the Nederlanders, but of the world at large ! 

In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond 
colony of Swedes first took possession of the coun- 
try, it is certain that in 1638 they established a 
fort, and Minnewits, according to the off-hand 
usage of his contemporaries, declared himself go- 
vernor of all the adjacent country, under the name 
of the province of New Sweden. No sooner did 
this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, than, 
like a true spirited chieftain, he immediately broke 
into a violent rage, and calling together his council, 
belaboured the Swedes most lustily in the longest 
speech that had ever been heard in the colony, 
since the memorable dispute of Ten Breeches and 



250 POWER OF BIG WORDS. 

Tough Breeches. Having thus given vent to the 
first ebulHtions of his indignation, he had resort 
to his favourite measure of proclamation, and de- 
spatched one, piping hot, in the first year of his 
reign, informing Peter Minnewits that the whole 
territory bordering on the South river had, time 
out of mind, been in possession of the Dutch colo^ 
nists, having been " beset with forts, and sealed 
with their blood.'* 

The latter sanguinary sentence would convey 
an idea of direful war and bloodshed were we not 
relieved by the information that it merely related 
to a fray, in which some half a dozen Dutchmen 
had been killed by the Indians, in their benevolent 
attempts to establish a colony, and promote civiliza- 
tion. By this it will be seen that William Kieft, 
though a very small man, delighted in big expres- 
sions, and was much given to a praiseworthy figure 
in rhetoric, generally cultivated by your little great 
men, called hyperbole : a figure which has been 
found of infinite service among many of his class, 
and which has helped to swell the grandeur of 
many a mighty, self-important, but windy chief 
magistrate. Nor can I resist, in this place, from ob- 
serving how much my beloved country is indebted 
to this same figure of hyperbole for supporting 
certain of her greatest characters— statesmen, ora- 
tors, civilians, and divines ; who, by dint of big 
words, inflated periods, and windy doctrines, are 
kept afloat on the surface of society, as ignorant 
swimmers are buoyed up by blown bladders. 

The proclamation against Minnewits concluded 



THE GOVERNOR'S HANDS FULL. 251 

by ordering the self-dubbed governor, and his gang 
of Swedish adventurers, immediately to leave the 
country under penalty of the high displeasure and 
inevitable vengeance of the puissant government 
of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. This " strong mea- 
sure,'' however, does not seem to have had a whit 
more effect than its predecessors, v/hich had been 
thundered against the YanJ^ees — the Swedes re- 
solutely held on to the territory they had taken 
possession of — whereupon matters for the present 
remained in statu quo. 

That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this 
insolent obstinacy in the Swedes would appear in- 
compatible with his valorous temperament ; but 
we find that about this time the little man had his 
hands full, and what with one annoyance and an- 
other, was kept continually on the bounce. 

There is a certain description of active legisla- 
tors, who, by shrewd management, contrive always 
to have a hundred irons on the anvil, every one 
of which must be immediately attended to ; who 
consequently are ever full of temporary shifts and 
expedients, patching up the public welfare, and 
cobbling the national affairs, so as to make nine 
holes where they mend one — stopping chinks and 
flaws with whatever comes first to hand, like the 
Yankees I have mentioned, stuffing old clothes in 
broken windows. Of this class of statesmen was 
William the Testy-^and had he only been blessed 
with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal been dis- 
ciplined by a little discretion, there is very little 
doubt but he would have made the greatest go- 



25'2 HIS CABALISTIC WORD. 

veinor of his size on record — the renowned go- 
vernor of the island of Barataria alone excepted. 

The great defect of Wilhehnus Kieft's policy 
was, that though no man could be more ready to 
stand forth in an hour of emergency, yet he was 
so intent upon guarding the national pocket, that 
he suffered the enemy to break its head — in other 
words, whatever precaution for public safety he 
adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it cheap, 
that he invariably rendered it ineffectual. All this 
was a remote consequence of his pro/ound educa- 
tion at the Hague ; where, having acquired a smat- 
tering of knowledge, he was ever after a great 
Conner of indexes, continually dipping into books, 
without ever studying to the bottom of any sub- 
ject ; so that he had the scum of all kinds of 
authors fermenting in his pericranium. In some 
of these title-page researches he unluckily stum- 
bled over a grand political cabalistic xvord, which, 
with his customary facility, he immediately incor- 
porated into his great scheme of government, to 
the irretrievable injury and delusion of the honest 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and the eternal 
misleading of all experimental rulers. 

In vain have I pored over the theurgia of the 
Chaldeans, the cabala of the Jews, the necro- 
mancy of the Arabians, the magic of the Persians, 
the hocus pocus of the English, the witchcraft of 
the Yankees, or the pow-wowing of the Indians, 
to discover where the little man first laid eyes on 
this terrible word. Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, 
that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the 



ECONOMY. S53 

patriarch Abraham ; nor the pages of the Zohar, 
containing the mysteries of the cabala, recorded 
by the learned rabbi Simeon Jochaides, yield any 
light to my inquiries. Nor am I in the least be- 
nefited by my painful researches in the Shem-ham- 
phorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew, though it 
enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' journey 
in twenty-four hours. Neither can I perceive the 
slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred 
name of four letters, the profoundest word of the 
Hebrew cabala ; a mystery sublime, ineffable, and 
incommunicable — and the letters of which Jod- 
He-Vau-He, having been stolen by the pagans, 
constituted their great name Jao, or Jove. In 
short, in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, 
magical and astrological researches, from the Te- 
tractys of Pythagoras to the recondite works of 
Breslaw and Mother Bunch, I have not discovered 
the least vestige of an origin of this word, nor have 
I discovered any word of sufficient potency to 
counteract it. 

Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the 
word which had so wonderfully arrested the atten- 
tion of William the Testy, and which in German 
characters had a particularly black and ominous 
aspect, on being fairly translated into the English 
is no other than economy — a talismanic term, 
which, by constant use and frequent mention, has 
ceased to be formidable in our eyes, but which 
has as terrible potency as any in the arcana of 
necromancy. 

When pronounced in a national assembly it has 



254 ITS MIGHTY EFFECTS. 

an immediate effect in closing the hearts, hecloud* 
ing the intellects, drawing the purse-strings, and 
buttoning the breeches-pockets of all philosophic 
legislators. Nor are its effects on the eyes less 
wonderful. It produces a contraction of the retina, 
an obscurity of the crystalline lens^ a viscidity 
of the vitreous, and. an inspissation of the aqueous 
humours, an induration of the tunica scleroticaj 
and a convexity of the cornea; insomuch that the 
organ of vision loses its strength and perspicuity, 
and the unfortunate patient becomes mijopes, or 
in plain English, pur-blind ; perceiving only the 
amount of immediate expense, without being able 
to look further, and regard it in connexion with 
the ultimate object to be effected. " So that," to 
quote the words of the eloquent Burke, " a briar 
at his nose is of greater magnitude than an oak at 
five hundred yards distance." Such are its in- 
stantaneous operations, and the results are still 
more astonishing. By its magic influence seventy- 
fours shrink into frigates, frigates into sloops, and 
sloops into gun-boats. 

This all-potent word, which served as his touch- 
stone in politics, at once explains the whole sys- 
tem of proclamations, protests, empty threats, 
windmills, trumpeters, and paper war, carried on 
by Wilhelmus the Testy ; and we may trace its 
operations in an armament which he fitted out in 
1642, in a moment of great wrath, consisting of 
two sloops and tliirty men, under the command 
of mynher Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of 
the fleet, and commander in chief of the forces. 



EXPEDITION OF ALPENDAM. '^55 

Tliis formidable expedition, which can only be 
paralleled by some of the daring cruises of our 
infant navy about the bay and up the sound, was 
intended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuyl- 
kill, of which they had recently taken possession, 
and which was claimed as part of the province of 
New-Nederlandts ; for it appears that at this time 
our infant colony was in that enviable state, so 
much coveted by ambitious nations, that is to say, 
the government had a vast extent of territory, 
part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of 
which it had continually to quarrel about. 

Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of 
great mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed 
at the character of the enemy, who were repre- 
sented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who 
lived on hoe cakes and bacon, drank mint juleps 
and apple toddy, and were exceedingly expert at 
boxing, biting, gouging, tar and feathering, and a 
variety of other athletic accomplishments, which 
they had borrowed from their cousins german and 
prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have ever 
borne considerable resemblance. Notwithstand- 
ing all these alarming representations, the admiral 
entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly with his 
fleet, and arrived without disaster or opposition at 
the place of destiration. 

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech 
in Low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previously 
put in his pocket ; wherein he courteously com- 
menced by calling them a pack of lazy, louting, 
dram-drinking, cock-fighting, horse-racing, slave- 



256 HIS RETURN AND REWARD. 

driving, tavern-haunting, sabbath-breaking, mii- 
latto-breeding upstarts ; and concluded by ordering 
them to evacuate the country immediately — to 
which they most laconically replied in plain En- 
glish, " they'd see him d d first." 

Now this was a reply for which neither Jan 
Jansen Alpendam nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made 
any calculation — and finding himself totally unpre- 
pared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable 
hostility, he concluded that his wisest course v/as 
to return home and report progress. He accord- 
ingly sailed back to New-Amsterdam, where he 
was received with great honours, and considered 
as a pattern for all commanders, having achieved 
a most hazardous enterprise at a trifling expense 
of treasure, and without losing a single man to the 
state ! He was unanimously called the deliverer 
of his country (an appellation liberally bestowed 
on all great men); his two sloops, having done 
their duty, were laid up (or dry docked) in a cove 
now called the Albany basin, where they quietly 
rotted in the mud ; and to immortalize his name, 
they erected, by subscription, a magnificent shingle 
monument on the top of Flatten barrack hill, which 
lasted three whole years, when it fell to pieces, 
and was burnt for firewood. 



WISE LAW OF CriARONDAS. 257 



CHAPTER V. 

How William the Testy enriched the province by a multitude of 
latvs, and caine to be the patron of lawyers and bum-bailiffs. 
And hoio the people became exceedingly enlightened and un- 
happy lender his instructions. 

Among the many wrecks and fragments of ex- 
alted wisdom, which have floated down the stream 
of time, from venerable antiquity, and have been 
carefully picked up by those humble, but industri- 
ous wights, who ply along the shores of literature, 
we find the following sage ordinance of Charondas, 
the Locrian legislator. — Anxious to preserve the 
ancient laws of the state from the additions and 
improvements of profound " country members," 
or officious candidates for popularity, he ordained, 
that whoever proposed a new law should do it with 
a halter about his neck ; so that in case his pro- 
position was rejected, they just hung him up — 
and there the matter ended. 

This salutary institution had such an effect, that 
for more than two hundred years there was only 
one trifling alteration in the criminal code — and 
the whole race of lawyers starved to death for 
want of employment. The consequence of this 
was, that the Locrians being unprotected by an 
overwhelming load of excellent laws, and unde- 
fended by a standing army of pettifoggers and 



2i58 PETTY LAWS MULTIPLIED. 

sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and 
were such a happy people, that they scarce make 
any figure throughout the whole Grecian history — 
for it is well known that none but your unlucky, 
quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any noise in 
the world. 

Well would it have been for William the Testy, 
had he haply, in the course of his '* universal ac- 
quirements," stumbled upon this precaution of the 
good Charondas. On the contrary, he conceived 
that the true policy of a legislator was to multiply 
laws, and thus secure the property, the persons,- 
and the morals of the people, by surrounding them 
in a manner with men traps and spring guns, and 
besetting even the sweet sequestered walks of 
private life with quickset hedges, so that a man 
could scarcely turn without the risk of encounter- 
ing some of these pestiferous protectors. Thus 
was he continually coining petty laws for every 
petty offence that occurred, until in time they 
became too numerous to be remembered, and re- 
mained, like those of certain modern legislators, 
mere dead letters — revived occasionally for the 
purpose of individual oppression, or to entrap ig- 
norant offenders. 

Petty courts consequently began to appear, 
,where the law was administered with nearly as 
much wisdom and impartiality as in those august 
tribunals, the aldermen's and justices' courts of 
the present day. The plaintiff was generally fa- 
voured, as being a customer, and bringing busi- 
ness to the shop ; the offences of the rich were 



A GOODLY GALLOWS ERECTED. 259 

discreetly winked at — for fear of hurting the feel- 
ings of their friends 5 — but it could never be laid 
to the charge of the vigilant burgomasters, that 
they suffered vice to skulk unpunished under the 
disgraceful rags of poverty. 

About this time may we date the first introduc- 
tion of capital punishments — a goodly gallows be- 
ing erected on the water-side, about where White- 
hall stairs are at present, a little to the east of the 
battery. Hard by also was erected another gibbet 
of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatchable de- 
scription, but on which the ingenious William Kieft 
valued himself not a little, being a punishment 
entirely of his own invention. 

It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit inferior 
to that of Haman, so renowned in Bible history; 
but the marvel of the contrivance was, that tlie 
culprit, instead of being suspended by the neck, 
according to venerable custom, was hoisted by 
the waistband, and was kept for an hour together 
dangling and sprawling between heaven and earth 
— to tlie infinite entertainment and doubtless great 
edification of the multitude of respectable citizens 
who usually attend upon exhibitions of the kind. 

It is incredible how the little governor chuckled 
at beholding caitiiT vagrants and sturdy beggars 
thus swinging by the crupper, and cutting antic 
gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasant- 
ries and mirthful conceits to utter upon these oc- 
casions. He called them his dandle-lions — his 
wild fowl — liis high-flyers — his spread eagles — his 
goshawks — liis scare-crows, and finally his gallows- 

s 'I 



260 BLESSINGS ATTENDANT ON '^ 

birds^ which ingenious appellation, though ori- 
ginally confined to worthies who had taken the air 
in this strange manner, has since grown to be a 
cant name given to all candidates for legal ele- 
vation. This punishment, moreover, if we may 
credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists, 
gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or 
strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their 
multifarious breeches, and which has of late years 
been revived, and continues to be worn at the 
present day. 

Such were the admirable improvements of Wil- 
liam Kieft in criminal law^ — nor was his civil code 
less a matter of w^onderment, and much does it 
grieve me that the limits of my work will not 
suffer me to expatiate on both w^ith the prolixity 
they deserve. Let it suffice then to say, that in 
a little while the blessings of innumerable laws 
became notoriously apparent. It was soon found 
necessary to have a certain class of men to ex- 
pound and confound them: divers pettifoggers 
accordingly made their appearance, under whose 
protecting care the community was soon set to- 
gether by the ears. 

I would not here be thought to insinuate any 
thing derogatory to the profession of the law, or 
to its dignified members.. Well am I aware, that 
we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy 
gentlemen who have embraced that honourable 
order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, nor 
the selfish cravings of renown, but through no 
other motives but a fervent zeal for the correct 



LAWS AND LAWYERS. 



261 



administration of justice, and a generous and dis- 
interested devotion to the interests of their fellow 
citizens ! Sooner would I throw this trusty pen 
into the flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for 
ever, than infringe even for a naiPs breadth upon 
the dignity of this truly benevolent class of ci- 
tizens ; on the contrary, I allude solely to that 
crew of caitiff scouts, who, in these latter days of 
evil, have become so numerous — who infest the 
skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cor- 
nish knights the honourable order of chivalry — 
who, under its auspices, commit their depreda- 
tions on society — who thrive by quibbles, quirks, 
and chicanery, and, like vermin, swarm most 
where there is most corruption. 

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent pas- 
sions as the facility of gratification. The courts 
of law would never be so constantly crowded with 
petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it not 
for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that infest 
them. These tamper with the passions of the 
lower and more ignorant classes ; who, as if po- 
verty were not a sufficient misery in itself, are 
always ready to heighten it by the bitterness of 
litigation. They are in law what quacks are in 
medicine — exciting the malady for the purpose of 
profiting by the cure, and retarding the cure for 
the purpose of augmenting the fees. Where one 
destroys the constitution, the other impoverishes 
the purse ; and it may likewise be observed, that 
a patient, who has once been under the hands of 
a quack, is ever after dabbling in drugs, and 



262 



THE COMMUNITY IN A FERMENT. 



poisoning himself with infallible remedies ; and 
an ignorant man, who has once meddled with the 
law under the auspices of one of these empirics, is 
for ever after embroiling himself with his neigh- 
bours, and impoverishing himself with successful 
law-suits. My readers will excuse this digression, 
into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I 
could not avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced ac- 
count of an abomination too prevalent in this 
excellent city, and with the effects of which I am 
unluckily acquainted to my cost ; having been 
nearly ruined by a law-suit, Which was unjustly 
decided against me — and my ruin having been 
completed by another, which w^as decided in my 
favour. 

It has been remarked by the observant writer 
of the Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the ad- 
ministration of Wilhelmus Kieft the disposition of 
the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam experienced 
an essential change, so that they became very 
meddlesome and factious. The constant exacer- 
bations of temper into which the little governor 
was thrown by the maraudings on his frontiers, 
and his unfortunate propensity to experiment and 
innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in 
a continual worry — and the council being to the 
people at large what yeast or leaven is to a batch, 
they threw the whole community into a ferment 
— and the people at large being to the city what 
the mind is to tlie body, the unhappy commotions 
they underwent operated most disastrously upon 
New-Amsterdam, insomuch that in certain of 



THE MOB UECOME LIKE BALAAM'S ASS. '^03 

their paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, 
they begat several of tlie most crooked, distorted, 
and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, with 
which this metropolis is disfigured. 

But the worst of the matter was, that just about 
this time the mob, since called the sovereign peo- 
ple, like Balaam's ass, began to grow more en- 
lightened than its rider, and exhibited a strange 
desire of governing itself. This was another 
effect of the '* universal acquirements ** of William 
the Testy. In some of his pestilent researches 
among the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck 
with admiration at the institution of public tables 
among the Lacedaemonians, where they discussed 
topics of a general and interesting nature — at the 
schools of the philosophers, where they engaged 
in profound disputes upon politics and morals — 
where gray-beards were taught the rudiments of 
wisdom, and youths learned to become little men, 
before they were boys. ** There is nothing," said 
the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book, " there 
is nothing more essential to the well management 
of a country than education among the people ; 
the basis of a good government should be laid in 
the public mind.** — Now this was true enough, 
but it was ever the wayward fate of William the 
Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to 
go to work wrong. In the present instance, he 
could scarcely eat or sleep until he had set on 
foot brawling debating societies among the simple 
citizens of New- Amsterdam. This was the one 
thing wanting to complete his confusion. The 



264 SAPIENT DISCOVERIES OF 

honest Dutch burghers, though in truth but little 
given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by 
dint of meeting often together, fuddling them- 
selves with strong drink, beclouding their brains 
with tobacco-smoke, and listening to the ha- 
rangues of some half a dozen oracles, soou be- 
came exceedingly wise, and, as is always the case 
where the mob is politically enlightened, exceed- 
ingly discontented. They found out, with won- 
derful quickness of discernment, the fearful error 
in which they had indulged, in fancying them- 
selves the happiest people in creation — and were 
fortunately convinced, that, all circumstances to 
the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very 
unhappy, deluded, and, consequently, ruined 
people. 

In a short time the quidnuncs of New-Amster- 
dam formed themselves into sage juntos of poli- 
tical croakers, who daily met together to groan 
over political affairs, and make themselves mi- 
serable ; thronging to these unhappy assemblages 
with the same eagerness that zealots have in all 
ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful 
paths of religion, to crowd to the howling con- 
vocations of fanaticism. We are naturally prone 
to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary 
causes of lamentation — like lubberly monks, we 
belabour our own shoulders, and seem to take a 
vast satisfaction in the music of our own groans. 
Nor is this said for the sake of paradox ; daily 
experience shows the truth of these observations. 
It is almost impossible to elevate the spirits of a 



QUIDNUNC DEBATING SOCIETIES. 26.5 

man groaning under ideal calamities; but nothing 
is more easy than to render him wretched, though 
on the pinnacle of felicity; as it is an Herculean 
task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, 
though tlie merest child can topple him off 
thence. 

In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the 
reader will at once perceive the faint germs of 
those sapient convocations called popular meet- 
ings, prevalent at our day. Thither resorted all 
those idlers and *' squires of low degree," who, 
like rags, hang loose upon the back of society, and 
are ready to be blown away by every wind of doc- 
trine. Cobblers abandoned their stalls, and has- 
tened thither to give lessons on political economy 
— blacksmiths left their handicraft, and suffered 
their own fires to go out, while they blew the bel- 
lows and stirred up the fire of faction ; and even 
tailors, though but the shreds and patches, the 
ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own mea- 
sures, to attend to the measures of government. 
Nothing was wanting but half a dozen newspapers 
and patriotic editors to have completed this public 
illumination, and to have thrown the whole pro- 
vince in an uproar ! 

I should not forget to mention, that these po- 
pular meetings were held at a noted tavern ; for 
houses of that description have always been found 
the most fostering nurseries of politics; abounding 
with those genial streams which give strength and 
sustenance to faction. We are told that the an- 
cient Germans had an admirable mode of treating 



^66 WISDOM OF GETTING DRUNK. 

any question of importance ; they first deliberated 
upon it when drunk, and afterwards reconsidered 
it when sober. The shrewder mobs of America, 
who dislike having two minds upon a subject, both 
determine and act upon it drunk j by which means 
a world of cold and tedious speculations is dis- 
pensed with — and as it is universally allowed, that 
when a man is drunk he sees double, it follows 
most conclusively that he sees twice as well as his 
sober neighbours. 



LAW TO PROHIBIT SMOKING. 



CHAPTER VI. 



26: 



Of the great pipe plot — and of the dolorous perplexities into 'which 
JVilliam the Testy loas thrown, hy reason of his having en- 
lightened the multitude. 

WiLHELMUs KiEFT, as lias already been made 
manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. 
He was of an active, or rather a busy mind ; that is 
to say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, 
which make up by bustle and constant motion for 
the want of great scope and power. He had, when 
quite a youngling, been impressed with the advice 
of Solomon, *' go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider 
her ways, and be wise:" in conformity to which, he 
had ever been of a restless, ant-like turn, worrying 
hither and thither, busying himself about little mat- 
ters, with an air of great importance and anxiety — 
laying up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling 
and puffing at a grain of mustard-seed, under the 
full conviction that he was moving a mountain. 

Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one 
of his fits of mental bustle, which he termed de- 
liberation, he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit 
the universal practice of smoking. This he proved, 
by mathematical demonstration, to be not merely 
a heavy tax on the public pocket, but an incredible 
consumer of time, a great encourager of idleness, 
and, of course, a deadly bane to the prosperity 
and morals of the people. Ill-fated Kieft! had he 
lived in this enlightened and libel-loving age, and 



268 CONSEQUENT TUMULT. 

attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the 
press, he could not have struck more closely on 
the sensibilities of the million. 

The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the 
constitutional gravity of their deportment would 
permit — a mob of factious citizens had even the 
hardihood to assemble before the governor's house, 
where, setting themselves resolutely down, like a 
besieging army before a fortress, tliey one and all 
fell to smoking with a determined perseverance, 
that seemed as though it were their intention to 
smoke him into terms. The testy William issued 
out of his mansion like a wrathful spider, and de- 
manded to know the cause of this seditious as- 
semblage, and this lawless fumigation ; to which 
these sturdy rioters made no other reply than to 
loll back phlegmatically in their seats, and puff 
away with redoubled fury ; whereby they raised 
such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain to 
take refuge in the interior of his castle. 

The governor immediately perceived the object 
of this unusual tumult, and that it would be im- 
possible to suppress a practice, which, by long in- 
dulgence, had become a second nature. And here 
I would observe, partly to explain why I have so 
often made mention of this practice in my history, 
that it was inseparably connected with all the 
affairs, both public and private, of our revered 
ancestors. The pipe, in fact, was never from the 
mouth of the true born Nederlander. It was his 
companion in solitude, the relaxation of his gayer 
hours, his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his 



THE PIPE PLOT ENDS IN SMOKE. 



^6g 



pride ; in a word, he seemed to think and breathe 
through his pipe. 

When Wilham the Testy bethought himself of 
all these matters, which he certainly did, although 
a little too late, he came to a compromise with the 
besieging multitude. The result was, that though 
he continued to permit the custom of smoking, yet 
did he abolish the fair long pipes which were used 
in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, 
tranquillity, and sobriety of dejwrtment ; and, in 
place thereof, did introduce little, captious, short 
pipes, two inches in length ; which, he observed, 
could be stuck in one corner of the mouth, or 
twisted in the hat-band, and would not be in the 
way of business. By this the multitude seemed 
somewhat appeased, and dispersed to their habita- 
tions. Thus ended this alarming insurrection, 
which was long known by the name of the pipe 
plot, and which, it has been somewhat quaintly 
observed, did end, like most other plots, seditions, 
and conspiracies, in mere smoke. 

But mark. Oh reader ! the deplorable conse- 
quences that did afterwards result. The smoke 
of these villanous little pipes, continually ascend- 
ing in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and 
befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly 
moisture of the brain, and rendered the people 
that used them as vapourish and testy as their 
renowned little governor — nay, what is more, from 
a goodly, burly race of folk, they became, like our 
worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke sliort pipes, a 



270 LONG PIPES, SHORT PIPES, AND QUIDS. 

lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, leathern-hided race of 
men. 

Nor was this all, for from hence may we date 
the rise of parties in this province. Certain of the 
more wealthy and important burghers, adhering to 
the ancient fashion, formed a kind of aristocracy, 
which went by the appellation of the Loiig Pipes; 
while the lower orders, submitting to the inno- 
vation, which they found to be more convenient in 
their handicraft employments, and to leave them 
more liberty of action, were branded with the ple- 
beian name of Short Pipes. A third party likewise 
sprang up, differing from both the other, headed by 
the descendants of the famous Robert Chewit, the 
companion of the great Hudson. These entirely 
discarded the use of pipes, and took to chewing 
tobacco, and hence they were called Quids. It is 
worthy of notice, that this last appellation has 
since come to be invariably applied to those mon- 
grel or third parties, that will sometimes spring 
up between two great contending parties, as a mule 
is produced between a horse and an ass. 

And here I would remark the great benefit of 
these party distinctions, by whicli the people at 
large are saved the vast trouble of thinking. He- 
siod divides mankind into three classes — those who 
think for themselves, those who let others think for 
them, and those who will neither do one nor the 
other. The second class, however, comprises the 
great mass of society, and hence is the origin of 
party, by which is meant a large body of people^ 



RISE AND PROGRESS OF PARTIES. 271 

some few of whom think, and all the rest talk. 
The former, who are called the leaders, marshal 
out and discipline the latter, teaching them what 
they must approve — what they must hoot at — what 
they must say — whom they must support — but, 
above all, whom they must hate — for no man can 
be a right good partizan, unless he be a determined 
and thorough-going hater. 

But when the sovereign people are thus properly 
broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, 
it is delectable to see with what docility and har- 
mony they jog onward through mud and mire, at 
the will of their drivers, dragging the dirt-carts 
of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic 
member of congress have I seen, who would never 
have known how to make up his mind on any 
question, and might have run a great risk of voting 
right by mere accident, had he not had others to 
think for him, and a file leader to vote after. 

Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the 
Manhattoes, being divided into parties, were en- 
abled to organize dissension, and to oppose and 
hate one another more accurately. And now the 
great business of politics went bravely on j the 
parties assembling in separate beer-houses, and 
smoking at each other with implacable animosity, 
to the great support of the state, and emolument 
of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, who were 
more zealous than the rest, went further, and 
began to bespatter one another with numerous 
very hard names and scandalous little words, to 
be found in the Dutch language ; every partizan 



272 CAVILS AGAINST THE GOVERNOR. 

believing religiously that he was serving his coun- 
try when he traduced the character or impo- 
verished the pocket of a political adversary. But 
however they might differ between themselves, all 
parties agreed on one point, to cavil at and con- 
demn every measure of government, whether right 
or wrong ; for as the governor was by his station 
independent of their power, and was not elected 
by their choice, and as he had not decided in 
favour of either faction, neither of them was in- 
terested in his success, nor in the prosperity of the 
country while under his administration. 

" Unhappy William Kieft !*' exclaims the sage 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, ** doomed to 
contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, 
and to reign over a people too wise to be governed !'' 
All his expeditions against his enemies were baffled 
and set at naught, and all his measures for the 
public safety were cavilled at by the people. Did 
he propose levying an efficient body of troops for 
internal defence — the mob, that is to say, those 
vagabond members of the community who have 
nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, voci- 
ferated that their interests were in danger — that 
a standing army was a legion of moths, preying 
on the pockets of society ; a rod of iron in the 
hands of government ; and that a government 
with a military force at its command would in- 
evitably swell into a despotism. Did he, as was 
but too commonly the case, defer preparation until 
the moment of emergency, and then hastily col- 
lect a handful of undisciplined vagrants — the mea- 



HIS CONDUCT. 27s 

sure was hooted atj as feeble and inadequate, as 
trifling with the public dignity and safety, and as 
lavishing the public funds on impotent enterprises. 
Did he resort to the economic measure of pro- 
clamation — he was laughed at by the Yankees ; 
did he back it by non-intercourse — it was evaded 
and counteracted by his own subjects. Whichever 
way he turned himself, he was beleaguered and 
distracted by petitions of " numerous and respect- 
able meetings,*' consisting of some half a dozen 
brawling pot-house politicians — all of which he 
read, and, what is worse, all of which he attended 
to. The consequence was, that, by incessantly 
changing his measures, he gave none of them a 
fair trial ; and by listening to the clamours of the 
mob, and endeavouring to do every thing, he, in 
sober truth, did nothing. 

I would not have it supposed, however, that he 
took all these memorials and interferences good- 
naturedly, for such an idea would do injustice to 
his valiant spirit : on the contrary, he never re- 
ceived a piece of advice in the whole course of his 
life without first getting into a passion with the 
giver. But I have ever observed that your pas- 
sionate little men, like small boats with large sails, 
are the easiest upset or blown out of their course; 
and this is demonstrated by governor Kieft, who, 
though in temperament as hot as an old radish, 
and with a mind, the territory of which was sub- 
jected to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, yet 
never failed to be carried away by the last piece of 
advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was 

T 



274< 



HOW TO DRIVE A GOVERNOR. 



it for him that his power was not dependent upon 
the greasy multitude, and that as yet the populace 
did not possess the important privilege of no- 
minating their chief magistrate. They, however, 
did their best to help along public affairs ; pester- 
ing their governor incessantly, by goading him on 
with harangues and petitions, and then thwarting 
his fiery spirit with reproaches and memorials, like 
Sunday jockeys managing an unlucky devil of a 
hack horse — so that Wilhelmus Kieft may be said 
to have been kept either on a worry or a hand- 
gallop throughout the whole of his administration. 




IRRUPTIONS OF THE YANKEES. ^7^ 



CHAPTER VII. 

Containing divers fearful accounts of Border tvars^ and the 
Jiagrant outrages (f the Moss-troopers of Connecticut — ixiih the 
rise of the great Amphyctionic council of the east, and the 
decline of IViUiam the Testy. 

It was asserted by tlie wise men of ancient times, 
who were intimately acquainted with these mat- 
ters, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two 
huge tuns, the one filled with blessings, the other 
with misfortunes — and it verily seems as if the 
latter had been completely overturned, and left 
to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw-Neder- 
landts. Among the many internal and external 
causes of irritation, the incessant irruptions of the 
Yankees upon his frontiers were continually add- 
ing fuel to the inflammable temper of William the 
Testy. Numerous accounts of these molestations 
may still be found among the records of the times; 
for the commanders on the frontiers were espe- 
cially careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, 
by striving who should send home the most fre- 
quent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as 
your faithful servant is eternally running with 
complaints to the parlour, of the petty squabbles 
and misdemeanours of the kitchen. 

Far be it from me to insinuate, however, that our 
worthy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms ; 
on the contrary, they were daily suffering a repe- 

T 2 



SyG THEIR OUTRAGES. 

tition of cruel wrongs*, not one of which but was 
a sufficient reason, according to the maxims of 
national dignity and honour, for throwing the 
whole universe into hostility and confusion. 

Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every 
one of these outrages throw the philosophic Wil- 
liam ! letter after letter, protest after protest, pro- 
clamation after proclamation, bad Latin, worse 
English, and hideous low Dutch, were exhausted 
in vain upon the inexorable Yankees; and the four- 
and-twenty letters of the alphabet, which, except- 
ing his champion, the sturdy trumpeter Van Cor- 
lear, composed the only standing army he had at 
his command, were never off duty throughout the 

* From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, 
I select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to 
judge if our ancestors were not justifiable in getting into a very 
valiant passion on the occasion. 

24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hogg out of 
the vlact or common, and shut it up out of meer hate or other 
prejudice, causing it to starve for hunger in the stye ! 

26 July. The foremencioned English did againe drive the 
Companies' hoggs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford ; 
contending daily with reproaches, blows, beating the people 
with all disgrace that they could imagine. 

May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut 
loose a horse of the honoured Companies', that stood bound upon 
the common or vlact. 

May 9, 1643. The Companies' horses pastured upon the 
Companies' ground were driven away by them of Connecticott 
or Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily beaten with hatchets and 
sticks. 

16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Companie 
which piggs had pastured on the Companies' land. 

Haz. Col. State Pap. 



PERILS OF THE AUTHOR. ^77 

whole of his administration. — Nor was Antony, the 
trumpeter, a whit behind his patron in fiery zeal ; 
but, like a faithful champion of the public safety, 
on the arrival of every fresh article of news, he was 
sure to sound his trumpet from the ramparts, with 
most disastrous notes, throwing the people into 
violent alarms, and disturbing their rest at all times 
and seasons — which caused him to be held in very 
great regard, the public pampering and rewarding 
him, as we do brawling editors, for similar ser- 
vices. 

I am well aware of the perils that environ me 
in this part of my history. While raking, with cu- 
rious hands but pious heart, among the mouldering 
remains of former days, anxious to draw therefrom 
the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat like 
that valiant worthy Samson, who, in meddling 
with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of 
bees about his ears. Thus while narrating the 
many misdeeds of the Yanokie or Yankee tribe, 
it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid 
sensibilities of certain of their unreasonable de- 
scendants, who may fly out and raise such a buz- 
zing about this unlucky head of mine, that I shall 
need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando 
Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 

Should such be the case, I should deeply and 
sincerely lament — not my misfortune in giving 
offence — but the wrong-headed perverseness of an 
ill-natured generation, in taking offence at any 
thing I say. That their ancestors did use my an- 
cestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I 



278 HIS RESOLUTE DETERMINATION. 

would, with all my heart, the fact were otherwise ; 
but as I am recording the sacred events of historv, 
I'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, 
though I were sure the whole edition of my work 
should be bought up and burnt by the common 
hangman of Connecticut. And in sooth, now 
that these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I 
will make bold to go further, and observe that this 
is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
historians are sent into the world — to redress 
wrongs and render justice on the heads of the 
guilty. So that though a powerful nation may 
wrong its neighbours with temporary impunity, yet 
sooner or later an historian springs up, who wreaks 
ample chastisement on it in return. 

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little 
thought, I'll warrant it, while they were harassing 
the inoffensive province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, 
and driving its unhappy governor to his wit's end, 
that an historian sliould ever arise, and give them 
their own, with interest. Since then I am but per- 
forming my bounden duty as an historian, in aveng- 
ing the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall 
make no further apology ; and indeed, when it is 
considered that I have all these ancient borderers 
of the east in my powei', and at the mercy of my 
pen, I trust that it will be admitted I conduct 
myself with great humanity and moderation. 

To resume then the course of my history — Ap- 
pearances to the eastward began now to assume a 
more formidable aspect than ever — for I would 
have you note that hitherto the province had been 



FORMIDABLE CONFEDERATION. 279 

chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the 
people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford ; 
which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, 
was the strong hold of these sturdy moss-troopers, 
from whence they sallied forth on their daring in- 
cursions, carrying terror and devastation into the 
barns, the hen-roosts, and pig-sties of our revered 
ancestors. 

Albeit about the year 1643, the people of the 
east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachu- 
setts, Connecticut, New-Plymouth, and New-Ha- 
ven, gathered together into a mighty conclave, and 
after buzzing and debating for many days, like a 
political hive of bees in swarming time, at length 
settled themselves into a formidable confederation, 
under the title of the United Colonies of New- 
England. By this union they pledged themselves 
to stand by one another in all perils and assaults, 
and to co-operate in all measures, offensive and 
defensive, against the surrounding savages, among 
which were doubtlessly included our honoured 
ancestors of the Manhattoes ; and to give more 
strength and system to this confederation, a ge- 
neral assembly or grand council was to be annually 
held, composed of representatives from each of 
the provinces. 

On receiving accounts of this combination, 
Wilhelmus Kieft was struck with consternation, 
and, for the first time in his whole life, forgot to 
bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelli- 
gence — which a venerable historian of the times 
observes was especially noticed among the poli- 



280 ALARM OF GOVERNOR KIEFT. 

ticians of New-Amsterdam. The truth was, on 
turning; over in his mind all that he had read at 
the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he 
found that this was an exact imitation of the Am- 
phyctionic council, by which the states of Greece 
were enabled to attain to such power and supre- 
macy, and the very idea made his heart to quake 
for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. 

He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of 
this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders 
out of their fair domains ; and always flew into a 
great rage if any one presumed to doubt the pro- 
bability of his conjecture. Nor was he wholly unr 
warranted in such a suspicion ; for at the very first 
annual meeting of the grand council, held at Bos- 
ton (which governor Kieft denominated the Del- 
phos of this truly classic league), strong repre- 
sentations were made against the Nederlanders, for- 
asmuch as that in their dealings with the Indians 
they carried on a traffic in " guns, powther, and 
shott — a trade damnable and injurious to the colo- 
nists*." Not but what certain of the Connecticut 
traders did likewise dabble a little in this " damn- 
able traffic"— but then they always sold the In- 
dians such scurvy guns, that they burst at the first 
discharge — and consequently hurt no one but these 
pagan savages. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death- 
blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from 
that day forward, it was remarked by many, he 

* Haz. Col. S. Papers. 



HIS LAST LETTER. 281 

never held up liis head, but appeared quite crest- 
fallen. His subsequent reign, therefore, affords 
but scanty food for the historic pen — we find the 
grand council continually augmenting in power, 
and threatening to overwhelm the province of 
Nieuw-Nederlandts; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept 
constantly fulminating proclamations and protests, 
like a shrewd sea captain, firing off carronades and 
swivels, in order to break and disperse a water- 
spout — but, alas ! they had no more effect than if 
they had been so many blank cartridges. 

The last document on record of this learned, 
philosophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long 
letter to the council of the Amphyctions, wherein, 
in the bitterness of his heart, he rails at the peor 
pie of New- Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncour- 
teous contempt of his protest, levelled at them for 
squatting within the province of their High Mighti- 
nesses. From this letter, which is a model of epi- 
stolary writing, abounding with pithyapophthegms 
and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me 
to extract the following recondite passage*: — 
" Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New- 
Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare 
Esop's wolf complayninge of the lamb, or the ad- 
monition of the younge man, who cryed out to his 
mother, chideing with her neighboures,' Oh Mother, 
revile her, lest she first take up that practice against 
you.* But being taught b}' precedent passages, 
we received such an answer to our protest from 

* Vide Haz. Col, State Papers. 



28*2 MYSTERIOUS EXIT 

the inhabitants of New-Haven as we expected : 
the Eagle ahvays despiseth the Beetle Jly ; yet not- 
withstanding we doe undauntedly continue on our 
purpose of pursuing our own right, byjust arms and 
righteous means, and doe hope without scruple to 
execute the express commands of our superiours." 
To show that this last sentence was not a mere 
empty menace, he concluded his letter by in- 
trepidly protesting against the whole council, as a 
horde of squatters and interlopers, inasmuch as 
they held their meeting at New-Haven, or the 
Red Hills, which he claimed, as being within the 
province of the New-Netherlands. 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the 
reign of William the Testy — for henceforth, in 
the troubles, the perplexities, and the confusion of 
the times, he SQ.ems to have been totally overlooked, 
and to have slipped for ever through the fingers 
of scrupulous history. Indeed, for some cause or 
other, which I cannot divine, there appears to 
have been a combination among historians to sink 
his very name into oblivion, in consequence of 
which they have one and all forborne even to speak 
of his exploits. This shows how important it is 
for great men to cultivate the favour of the learned, 
if they are ambitious of honour and renown. " In- 
sult not the dervise," said a wise caliph to his son, 
*' lest thou offend thine historian ;" and many a 
mighty man of the olden time, had he observed 
so obvious a maxim, might have escaped divers 
cruel wipes of the pen which have been drawn 
across his character. 



OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 283 

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that 
such darkness and obscurity should hang over the 
latter days of the illustrious Kieft — for he was a 
mighty and great little man, worthy of being utterly 
renowned, seeing that he was the first potentate 
that introduced into this land the art of fighting 
by proclamation, and defending a country by trum- 
peters and windmills — an economic and humane 
mode of warfare, since revived with great applause, 
and which promises, if it can ever be carried into 
full effect, to save great trouble and treasure, and 
spare infinitely more bloodshed than either the 
discovery of gunpowder or the invention of tor- 
pedoes. 

It is true, that certain of the early provincial 
poets, of whom there were great numbers in the 
Nieuw-Nederlandts, taking advantage of the mys- 
terious exit of William the Testy, have fabled, 
that, like Romulus, he was translated to the skies, 
and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on 
the left claw of the crab ; while others, equally 
fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate 
similar to that of the good king Arthur; who, we 
are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to 
the delicious abodes of fairy land, where he still 
exists in pristine worth and vigour, and will one 
day or another return to restore the gallantry, the 
honour, and the immaculate probity, which pre- 
vailed in the glorious days of the Round Table*. 



* The old Welsh bards believed that king Arthur was not 
dead, but carried awaie by the farics into some pleascnt place, 



284 TALES RESPECTING HIS DEATH. 

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, 
tlie cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the 
poets, to which I would not have my judicious 
reader attach any credibility. Neither am I dis- 
posed to yield any credit to the assertion of an an- 
cient and rather apocryphal historian, who alleges 
that the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by 
the blowing down of one of his windmills — nor to 
that of a writer of later times, who affirms that he 
fell a victim to a philosophical experiment, which 
he had for many years been vainly striving to ac- 
complish ; having the misfortune to break his neck 
from the garret window of the stadt-house, in an 
ineffectual attempt to catch swallows, by sprinkling 
fresh salt upon their tails. 

The most probable account, and to which I am 
inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in 
a very obscure tradition, which declares, that what 
with the constant troubles on his frontiers — the 
incessant schemings and projects going on in his 
own pericranium — the memorials, petitions, re- 
monstrances, and sage pieces of advice from divers 
respectable meetings of the sovereign people — 
together with the refractory disposition of his 
council, who were sure to differ from him on every 
point, and uniformly to be in the wrong — all these, 

where he shold remaine for a time, and then retijrne againe and 
reigne in as great authority as ever. — Hollingshed. 

The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all 
Britaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn — He say'd 
that his deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for men thereof 
yet have doubte and shuUen for ever more — for men wyt not 
whether that he lyveth or is dede. — Da Leew.'Chron. 



FINALLY SNUFFED OUT. 285 

I say, did eternally operate to keep his mind in a 
kind of furnace heat, until he at length became 
as completely burnt out as a Dutch family pipe 
which has passed through three generations of hard 
smokers. In this manner did the choleric but 
magnanimous William the Testy undergo a kind of 
animal combustion, consuming away like a far- 
thing rushlight — so that when grim death finally 
snuffed him out, there was scarce left enough of 
him to bury! 



BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER 
STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYC- 
TIONIC COUNCIL. 



CHAPTER I. 

hi tohich the death of a great man is shown to be no very incon- 
solable matter of sorroxv — and hovo Peter Stuyvesaiit acquired 
a great name from the uncommon strength of his head. 

To a profound philosopher, like myself, who 
am apt to see clear through a subject, where 
the penetration of ordinary people extends but 
halfway, there is no fact more simple and mani- 
fest than that the death of a great man is a 
matter of very little importance. Much as we 
may think of ourselves, and much as we may 
excite the empty plaudits of the million, it is cer- 
tain that the greatest among us do actually fill 
but an exceeding small space in the world ; and 
it is equally certain, that even that small space 
is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. 
" Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, " that 
individuals appear, or make their exit ? the world 
is a theatre whose scenes and actors are con- 
tinually changing." Never did philosopher speak 



LOSS OF GREAT MEN LITTLE FELT. 287 

more correctly, and I only wonder that so wise 
a remark could have existed so many ages, and 
mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sag-e 
follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero 
just steps out of his triumphal car, to make way 
for the hero who comes after him ; and of the 
proudest monarch it is merely said, that — "he 
slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned in 
his stead." 

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but 
little for their loss, and if left to itself would soon 
forget to grieve ; and though a nation has often 
been figuratively drowned in tears on the death 
of a great man, yet it is ten chances to one if 
an individual tear has been shed on the occa- 
sion, excepting from the forlorn pen of some 
hungry author. It is the historian, the biogra- 
pher, and the poet, who have the whole burden 
of grief to sustain ; who — kind souls ! — like under- 
takers in England, act the part of chief mourners 
— who inflate a nation with sighs it never heaved, 
and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of 
shedding. Thus, while the patriotic author is 
weeping and howling, in prose, in blank verse, 
and in rhyme, and collecting the drops of public 
sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, 
it is more than probable his fellow-citizens are 
eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as 
utterly ignorant of the bitter lamentations made 
in their name, as are those men of straw, 
John Doe, and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs 



288 KIEFT'S EXIT OCCASIONED NO PRODIGIES. 

for whom they are generously pleased on divers 
occasions to become sureties. 

The most glorious and praiseworthy hero that 
ever desolated nations might have mouldered 
into oblivion among the rubbish of his own mor • 
ment did not some historian take him into favoi 
and benevolently transmit his name to posterity 
and much as the valiant William Kieft worried, a 
bustled, and turmoiled, while he had the destin 
of a whole colony in his hand, I question serioui 
whether he will not be obliged to this authen 
history for all his future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city 
of New- Amsterdam or its vicinity : the earth 
trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from 
their spheres — the heavens were not shrouded in 
black, as poets would fain persuade us they have 
been, on the unfortunate death of a hero — the 
rocks (hard-hearted varlets !) melted not into tears, 
nor did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow ; 
and as to the sun, he laid abed the next night 
just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he 
arose, as he ever did on the same day of the month 
in any year, either before or since. The good 
people of New- Amsterdam, one and all, declared 
that he had been a very busy, active, bustling 
little governor ; that he was " the father of his 
country'* — that he was '' the noblest work of God*' 
— that *' he was a man, take him for all in all, 
they ne'er should look upon his like again" — 
together with sundry other civil and affectionate 



PETER STUYVESANT SUCCEEDS HIM. 289 

Speeches that are regularly said on the death of 
all great men ; after which they smoked their pipes* 
thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant 
succeeded to his station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the 
renowned Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the 
best, of our ancient Dutch governors. Wouter 
having surpassed all who preceded him, and Pieter 
or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old 
Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to fami- 
liarize names, having never been equalled by any 
successor. He was in fact the very man fitted by 
nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her 
beloved province, had not the fates, those most 
potent and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters, 
destined them to inextricable confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero would be 
doing him great injustice — ^he was in truth a com- 
bination of heroes — for he was of a sturdy, raw- 
boned make like AjaxTelamon, with a pair of round 
shoulders that Hercules would have given his 
hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when he under- 
took to ease old Atlas of his load. He was more- 
over, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only 
terrible for the force of his arm, but likewise of 
his voice, which sounded as though it came out 
of a barrel ; and, like the self-same warrior, he 
possessed a sovereign contempt for the sovereign 
people, and an iron aspect, which was enough of 
itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries 
quake with terror and dismay. All this martial 

u 



290 HIS SILVER LEG. 

excellency of appearance was inexpressibly height- 
ened by an accidental advantage, with which I 
am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have 
graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less 
than a wooden leg, which was the only prize he 
had gained in bravely fighting the battles of his 
country, but of which he was so proud, that he 
was often heard to declare he valued it more than 
all his other limbs put togetlier ; indeed so highly 
did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased 
and reHeved with silver devices, which caused it 
to be related in divers histories and legends that he 
wore a silver leg*. 

Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was 
somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion, 
which were oft-times rather unpleasant to his 
favourites and attendants, whose perceptions he 
was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illus- 
trious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing 
their shoulders with his walking-staff. 

Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, 
or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon 
Sydney, or Tom Paine, yet did he sometimes 
manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his mea- 
sures, that one would hardly expect from a man 
who did not know Greek, and had never studied 
the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with sor- 
row, that he had an unreasonable aversion to ex- 
periments, and was fond of governing his province 
after the simplest manner — but then he contrived 

* See the histories oi" Masters Josselyn and Blome. 



ms CHARACTER. 291 

to keep it in better order than did the erudite 
Kieftj though he had all the philosophers, ancient 
and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must 
likewise own that he made but very few laws, but 
then again he took care that those few were rigidly 
and impartially enforced — and I do not know but 
justice on the whole was as well administered as 
if there had been volumes of sage acts and statutes 
yearly made, and daily neglected and forgotten. 

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his pre- 
decessors, being neither tranquil and inert, like 
Walter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgeting, 
like William the Testy ; but a man, or rather a 
governor, of such uncommon activity and decision 
of mind, that he never sought or accepted the 
advice of others ; depending confidently upon his 
single head, as did the heroes of yore upon their 
single arms, to work his way through all difficulties 
and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he wanted 
no other requisite for a perfect statesman than to 
think always right, for no one can deny that he 
always acted as he thought ; and if he wanted in 
correctness, he made up for it in perseverance 
— an excellent quality! since it is surely more 
dignified for a ruler to be persevering and con- 
sistent in error than wavering and contradictory 
in endeavouring to do what is right. This much 
is certain, and it is a maxim worthy the at- 
tention of all legislators, both great and small, 
who stand shaking in the wind, without knowing 
which way to steer — a ruler who acts according to 

u 2 



292 SURNAMED " THE HEADSTRONG." 

his own will is sure of pleasing himself, while he 
who seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others 
runs a great risk of pleasing nobody. The clock 
that stands still, and points steadfastly in one di- 
rection, is certain of being right twice in the four- 
and-twenty hours — while others may keep going 
continually, and continually be going wrong. 

Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the 
discernment of the good people of Nieuw-Neder- 
landts ; on the contrary, so high an opinion had 
they of the independent mind and vigorous in- 
tellects of their new governor, that they universally 
called him Hard-koppig Piety or Peter the Head- 
strong — a great compliment to his understanding! 

If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, 
worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, 
sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, ob- 
stinate, leathern-sided, lion-hearted, generous-spi- 
rited old governor, either I have written to but 
little purpose, or thou art very dull at drawing 
conclusions. 

This most excellent governor, whose character I 
have thus attemptedfeebly to delineate, commenced 
his administration on the 29th of May, 1647 > a 
remarkably stormy day, distinguished in all the 
almanacks of the time which have come down to 
us by the name of Windy Friday. As he was 
very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he 
was inaugurated into office with great ceremony ; 
the goodly oaken chair of the renowned Wouter 
Van Twiller being carefully preserved for such 



DISASTROUS OMENS. 293 

occasions, in like manner as the chair and stone 
were reverentially preserved at Schone in Scotland, 
for the coronation of the Caledonian monarchs. 

I must not omit to mention, that the tem- 
pestuous state of the elements, together with its 
being that unlucky day of the week termed 
" hanging day," did not fail to excite much grave 
speculation and divers very reasonable apprehen- 
sions among the more ancient and enlightened in- 
habitants ; and several of the sager sex, who were 
reputed to be not a little skilled in the mysteries 
of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare out- 
right that they were omens of a disastrous ad- 
ministration — an event that came to be lamentably 
verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the 
wisdom of attending to those preternatural inti- 
mations furnished by dreams and visions, the 
flying of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of 
geese, on which the sages and rulers of ancient 
times placed such reliance — or to those shootings 
of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of dogs, 
and flarings of candles, carefully noted and in- 
terpreted by the oracular sybils of our day ; who, 
in my humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors 
and preserv^ers of the ancient science of divination. 
This much is certain, that governor Stuyvesant 
succeeded to the chair of state at a turbulent 
period ; when foes thronged and threatened from 
without ; when anarchy and stiff-necked opposition 
reigned rampant within j when the authority of 
their High Mightinesses the Lords States-general, 



294 PERIL OF THE STATE. 

though founded on the broad Dutch bottom of 
unoffending imbecihty; though supported by eco- 
nomy, and defended by speeches, protests, procla- 
mations, yet tottered to its very centre ; and when 
the great city of New- Amsterdam, though fortified 
by flag-staffs, trumpeters, and windmills, seemed, 
like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lie open to 
attack, and ready to yield to the first invader. 



PETER'S FIRST MOVEMENTS. 29«'5» 



CHAPTER II. 

Shoiving how Peter the Headstrong bestirred hhnself among the 
rats and cobivebs on entering into office; a7id the perilous mis- 
take he tvas guilty of, in his dealings with the Amjjhi/ctions. 

The very Ifirst movements of the great Peter, 
on taking the reins of government, displayed the 
magnanimity of his mind, though they occasioned 
not a little marvel and uneasiness among the peo- 
ple of the Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly 
interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the 
advice of his privy council, the members of which 
had acquired the unreasonable habit of thinking 
and speaking for themselves during the preceding 
reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such 
grievous abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had 
he entered upon his authority, than he turned out 
of office all those meddlesome spirits that composed 
the factious cabinet of William the Testy, in place 
of whom he chose unto himself counsellors from 
those fat, somniferous, respectable families, that 
had flourished and slumbered under the easy reign 
of Walter the Doubter. All these he caused to 
be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, 
and to be regaled with frequent corporation din- 
ners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and 
sleep, for the good of the nation, while he took all 
the burden of government upon his own shoulders 



296 THE WINDMILL SYSTEM OVERTURNED. 

— an arrangement to which they all gave hearty 
acquiescence. 

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout 
among the inventions and expedients of his learned 
predecessor — demolishing his flag-staffs and wind- 
mills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the ram- 
parts of New- Amsterdam — pitching to the duy vel 
whole batteries of quaker guns — rooting up his 
patent gallows, where caitiff vagabonds were sus- 
pended by the waistband — and, in a word, turning 
topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, economic, and 
windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam. 

The honest folk of New- Amsterdam began to 
quake now for the fate of their matchless cham- 
pion, Antony the trumpeter, who had acquired 
prodigious favour in the eyes of the women, by 
means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did 
Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his 
presence, and eyeing him for a moment from head 
to foot, with a countenance that would have ap- 
palled any thing else than a sounder of brass^ — 
*' Pr'ythee, who and what art thou ?" said he. 
*' Sire," replied the other, in nowise dismayed, 
" for my name, it is Antony Van Corlear — for my 
parentage, I am the son of my mother — for my 
profession, I am champion and garrison of this 
great city of New-Amsterdam." " I doubt me 
much,'* said Peter Stuyvesant, *' that thou art 
some scurvy costardmonger knave : — how didst 
thou acquire this paramount honour and dignity ?'* 
** Marry, sir," replied the other, " like many a 
great man before me, sim])ly hij sounding nnj oxen 



HIS CONDUCT TO VAN CORLEAR. 297 

trumpet,'* " Ay, is it so ?" quoth the governor j 
" why then let us have a relish of thy art." Where- 
upon he put his instrument to his lips, and sounded 
a charge with such a tremendous outset, such a 
delectable quaver, and such a triumphant cadence, 
that it was enough to make your heart leap out of 
your mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like 
as a war-worn charger, while sporting in peaceful 
plains, if by chance he hear the strains of martial 
music, pricks up his ears, and snorts, and paws, and 
kindles at the noise, so did the heroic soul of the 
mighty Peter joy to hear the clangour of the 
trumpet ; for of him might truly be said, what 
was recorded of the renowned St. George of Eng- 
land, *' there was nothing in all the world that 
more rejoiced his heart than to hear the pleasant 
sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth 
their steeled weapons." Casting his eyes more 
kindly, therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, 
and finding him to be a jolly, fat, little man, 
shrewd in his discourse, yet of great discretion 
and immeasurable wind, he straightway conceived 
a vast kindness for him, and discharging him frooa 
the troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending, 
and alarming the city, ever after retained him 
about his person, as his chief favourite, confiden- 
tial envoy, and trusty squire. Instead of disturb- 
ing the city with disastrous notes, he was instructed 
to play so as to delight the governor while at his 
repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of 
glorious chivalry — and on all public occasions to 
rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody 



298 DEPUTATION FROM PROVIDENCE. 

— thereby keeping alive a noble and martial 
spirit. 

Many other alterations and reformations, both 
for the better and for the worse, did the governor 
make, of which my time will not serve me to 
record the particulars ; suffice it to say, he soon 
contrived to make the province feel that he was 
its master, and treated the sovereign people with 
such tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to 
hold their tongues, stay at home, and attend to 
their business ; insomuch that party feuds and 
distinctions were almost forgotten, and many 
thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were 
utterly ruined for want of business. 

Indeed, the critical state of public affairs at this 
time demanded the utmost vigilance and prompti- 
tude. The formidable council of the Amphyc- 
tions, which had caused so much tribulation to the 
unfortunate Kieft, still continued augmenting its 
forces, and threatened to link within its union all 
the mighty principalities and powers of the east. 
In the very year following the inauguration of 
governor Stuyvesant, a grand deputation departed 
from the city of Providence (famous for its dusty 
streets and beauteous women), in behalf of the 
puissant plantation of Rhode Island, praying to 
be admitted into the league. 

The following mention' is made of this appli- 
cation in certain records of that assemblage of 
worthies, which are still extant*. 

* Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 



THEIR REQUEST IN " WRIGHTING." ^99 

*' Mr. Will Cottington and captain Partridg of 
Rhoode Hand presented this insewing request to 

the commissioners in wrighting • 

*' Our request and motion is in behalfe of 
Rhoode-Iland, that wee the Ilanders of Rhoode- 
Iland may be rescauied into combination with all 
the united colonyes of New-England in afirme and 
perpetuall league of friendship and amity of ofence 
and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all 
just occasions for our mutuall safety and well- 
faire, &c. 

Will Cottington, 
Alicxsander Partridg." 

There is certainly something in the very phy- 
siognomy of this document that might well in- 
spire apprehension. The name of Alexander, how- 
ever mis-spelt, has been warlike in every age, and 
though its fierceness is in some measure softened 
by being coupled with the gentle cognomen of 
Partridge, still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears 
an exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a 
trumpet. From the style of the letter, moreover, 
and the soldierlike ignorance of orthography dis- 
played by the noble captain Alicxsander Partridg 
in spelling his own name, we may picture to our- 
selves this mighty man of Rhodes, strong in arms, 
potent in the field, and as great a scholar as though 
he had been educated among that learned people 
of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures us, could not 
count beyond the number four. 

But wliatever might be the threatening aspect 



300 PEACE AND ILLUMINATION. 

of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant 
was not a man to be kept in a state of incertitude 
and vague apprehension ; he liked nothing so 
much as to meet danger face to face, and take it 
by the beard. Determined, therefore, to put an 
end to all these petty maraudings on the borders, 
he wrote two or three categorical letters to the 
grand council ; which, though neither couched in 
bad Latin, nor yet graced by rhetorical tropes 
about wolves and lambs, and beetle flies, yet had 
more effect than all the elaborate epistles, protests, 
and proclamations of his learned predecessor put to- 
gether. In consequence of his urgent propositions, 
the great confederacy of the east agreed to enter 
into a final adjustment of grievances and settle- 
ment of boundaries, to the end that a perpetual 
and happy peace might take place between the two 
powers. For this purpose governor Stuyvesant 
deputed two ambassadors to negotiate with comr 
missioners from the grand council of the league, 
and a treaty was solemnly concluded at Hartford, 
On receiving intelligence of this event, the whole 
community was in an uproar of exultation. The 
trumpet of the sturdy Van Corlear sounded all 
day with joyful clangour from the ramparts of 
Fort Amsterdam, and at night the city was mag- 
nificently illuminated with two hundred and fifty 
tallow candles ; besides a barrel of tar, which was 
burnt before the governor's house, on the cheer- 
ing aspect of public affairs. 

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like 
the great and good Peter, congratulating himself 



PETER COMMITS A GREAT ERROR. 301 

with the idea, that his feelings will no longer be 
molested by afflicting details of stolen horses, 
broken heads, impounded hogs, and all the other 
catalogue of heart-rending cruelties that dis- 
graced these border wars. But if he should in- 
dulge in such expectations, it is a proof that he 
is but little versed in the paradoxical ways of 
cabinets ; to convince him of which, I solicit his 
serious attention to my next chapter, wherein I 
will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already com- 
mitted a great error in politics ; and by effecting 
a peace, has materially hazarded the tranquillity of 
the province. 



302 SPECULATIONS ON WAR. 



CHAPTER III. 

Containing divers speculations on ivar and negotiations-^shoxving 
that a treaty of peace is a great national evil. 

It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, 
Lucretius, that war was the original state of man, 
whom he described as being primitively a savage 
beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hos- 
tility with his own species, and that this ferocious 
spirit was tamed and ameliorated by society. The 
same opinion has been advocated by Hobbes *, nor 
have there been wanting many other philosophers 
to admit and defend it. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these 
valuable speculations, so complimentary to human 
nature, yet, in this instance, I am inclined to take 
the proposition by halves, believing with Horace t, 
that though war may have been originally the fa- 
vourite amusement and industrious employment 
of our progenitors, yet, like many other excellent 
habits, so far from being ameliorated, it has been 
cultivated and confirmed by refinement and ci- 

* Hobbes' Leviathan. Part i. chap. 13. 
-} /^uum prorepserunt primis animaUa terris, 
Miitum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, 
Unguibus et pugiiis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
Pugnabant armis, qua; post fabricaverat usus. 

Hor. Sat. L. i, S. 3. 



MAN'S MURDEROUS INVENTIONS. 303 

vilization, and increases in exact proportion as 
we approach towards that state of perfection, 
which is the ne plus ultra of modern philosophy. 

The first conflict between man and man was 
the mere exertion of physical force, unaided by 
auxiliary weapons — his arm was his buckler, his 
fist was his mace, and a broken head the cata- 
strophe of his encounters. The battle of unassisted 
strength was succeeded by the more rugged one 
of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary 
aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his 
faculties expanded, and his sensibilities became 
more exquisite, he grew rapidly more ingenious 
and experienced in the art of murdering his fellow 
beings. He invented a thousand devices to de- 
fend and to assault — -the helmet, the cuirass, and 
the buckler, the sword, the dart, and the javelin, 
prepared him to elude the wound as well as to 
lanch the blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant 
and philanthropic career of invention, he enlarges 
and heightens his powers of defence and injury — 
The Aries, the Scorpio, the Balista, and the Cata- 
pulta, give a horror and sublimity to war, and 
magnify its glory, by increasing its desolation. 
Still insatiable, though armed with machinery 
that seemed to reach the limits of destructive in- 
vention, and to yield a power of injury commen- 
surate even with the desires of revenge — still 
deeper researches must be made in the diabolical 
arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels 
of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals 
and deadly salts — the sublime discovery of gun- 



304 IMPROVEMENTS IN WAR AND PEACE. 

powder blazes upon the world — and finally the 
dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to 
endow the demon of war with ubiquity and omni- 
potence ! 

This, indeed, is grand !^ — this, indeed, marks the 
powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine endow- 
ment of reason, which distinguishes us from the 
animals, our inferiors. The unenlightened brutes 
content themselves with the native force which 
Providence has assigned them. — The angry bull 
butts with his horns, as did his progenitors before 
him — the lion, the leopard, and the tiger seek 
only with their talons and their fangs to gratify 
their sanguinary furyj and even the subtle serpent 
darts the same venom, and uses the same wiles, as 
did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed 
with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery 
to discovery — enlarges and multiplies his powers 
of destruction ; arrogates the tremendous weapons 
of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him in 
murdering his brother worm ! 

In proportion as the art of war has increased in 
improvement has the art of preserving peace ad- 
vanced in equal ratio ; and as we have discovered, 
in this age of wonders and inventions, that pro- 
clamation is the most formidable engine in war, 
so have we discovered the no less ingenious mode 
of maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations. 

A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a nego- 
tiation, therefore, according to the acceptation of 
experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, 
is no longer an attempt to accommodate differ- 



ON TERiVrS ARE THE BEST TERMS. 305 

ences, to ascertain rights, and to establish an 
equitable exchange of kind offices ; but a contest 
of skill between two powers, which shall over- 
reach and take in the other. It is a cunning en- 
deavour to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, and the 
chicanery of cabinets, those advantages which a 
nation would otherwise have wrested by force of 
arms : in the same manner that a conscientious 
highwayman reforms and becomes an excellent 
and praiseworthy citizen, contenting himself with 
cheating his neighbour out of that property he 
would formerly have seized with open violence. 

In fact, the only time when two nations can be 
said to be in a state of perfect amity is when a 
negotiation is open, and a treaty pending. Then, 
as there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds 
to restrain the will, no specific limits to awaken 
the captious jealousy of right implanted in our 
nature, as each party has some advantage to hope 
and expect from the other, then it is that the two 
nations are so gracious and friendly to each 
other; their ministers professing the highest mu- 
tual regard, exchanging billets-doux, making fine 
speeches, and indulging in all those little diplo- 
matic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, that 
do so marvellously tickle the good humour of the 
respective nations. Thus it may paradoxically 
be said, that there is never so good an under- 
standing between two nations as when there is a 
little misunderstanding — and that so long as they 
are on no terms, they are on the best terms in the 
world ! 



.306 



HOW TO PROLONG NEGOTIATIONS. 



I do not by any means pretend to claim the 
merit of having made the above political discovery. 
It has in fact long been secretly acted upon by 
certain enlightened cabinets, and is, together with 
divers other notable theories, privately copied out 
of the common-place book of an illustrious gen- 
tleman, who has been member of congress, and 
enjoyed the unlimited confidence of heads of de- 
partments. To this principle may be ascribed the 
wonderful ingenuity that has been shown of late 
years in protracting and interrupting negotiations. 
— Hence the cunning measure of appointing as 
ambassador some political pettifogger skilled in 
delays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and dex- 
terous in the art of baffling argument — or some 
blundering statesman, whose errors and miscon- 
structions may be a plea for refusing to ratify his 
engagements. And hence too that most notable 
expedient, so popular with our government, of 
sending out a brace of ambassadors ; who having 
each an individual will to consult, character to 
establish, and interest to promote, you may as well 
look for unanimity and concord between two lovers 
with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or two 
naked rogues with one pair of breeches. This 
disagreement therefore is continually breeding 
delays and impediments, in consequence of which 
the negotiation goes on swimmingly — inasmuch 
as there is no prospect of its ever coming to a close. 
Nothing is lost by these delays and obstacles but 
time ; and in a negotiation, according to the theory 
I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much 



PEACE A CERTAIN SOURCE OF WAR. 307 

time gained : — with what deUghtful paradoxes does 
modern poKtical economy abound ! 

Now all that I have here advanced is so noto- 
riously true, that I almost blush to take up the 
time of my readers with treating of matters which 
must many a time have stared them in the face. 
But the proposition to which I would most ear- 
nestly call their attention is this, that though a ne- 
gotiation be the most harmonizing of all national 
transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great poli- 
tical evil, and one of the most fruitful sources of 
war. 

I have rarely seen an instance of any special 
contract between individuals that did not produce 
jealousies, bickerings, and often downright rup- 
tures between them ; nor did I ever know of a 
treaty between two nations that did not occasion 
continual misunderstandings. How many worthy 
country neighbours have I known who, after living 
in peace and good fellowship for years, have been 
thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling, and ani- 
mosity, by some ill-starred agreement about fences, 
runs of water, and stray cattle. And how many 
well meaning nations, who would otherwise have 
remained in the most amicable disposition towards 
each other, have been brought to swords* points 
about the infringement or misconstruction of some 
treaty, which in an evil hour they had concluded 
by way of making their amity more sure. 

Treaties at best are but complied with so long 
as interest requires their fulfilment ; consequently 
they are virtually binding on the weaker party 

X -2 



808 NEGOTIATION LIKE COURTSHIP. 

only, or, in plain truth, they are not binding at 
all. No nation will wantonly go to war with an- 
other if it has nothing to gain thereby, and there- 
fore needs no treaty to restrain it from violence ; 
and if it have any thing to gain, 1 much question, 
from what I have witnessed of the righteous con- 
duct of nations, whether any treaty could be made 
so strong that it could not thrust the sword through 
— nay, I would hold ten to one, the treaty itself 
would be the very source to which resort would 
be had to find a pretext for hostilities. 

Thus, therefore, I conclude — that though it is 
the best of all policies for a nation to keep up a 
constant negotiation with its neighbours, yet it is 
the summit of folly for it ever to be beguiled into 
a treaty ; for then comes on the non-fulfilment 
and infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation, 
then retaliation, then recrimination, and finally 
open war. In a word, negotiation is like court- 
ship, a time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft 
looks, and endearing caresses — but the marriage 
ceremony is the signal for hostilities. 



LITTLE ALTERCATIONS OCCUR. 309 



CHAPTER IV. 

Hoiv Peter Stui/vesant tvas greatly belied by his adversaries the 
Moss-troopers — and his conduct thereupon. 

If my pains-taking reader be not somewhat 
perplexed, in the course of the ratiocination of 
my last chapter, he will doubtless at one glance 
perceive, that the great Peter, in concluding a 
treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guilty of 
a lamentable error and heterodoxy in politics. To 
this unlucky agreement may justly be ascribed a 
world of little infringements, altercations, negotia- 
tions, and bickerings, which afterwards took place 
between the irreproachable Stuyvesant and the 
evil-disposed council of Amphyctions. All these 
did not a little disturb the constitutional serenity 
of the good burghers of Mannahata ; but in sooth 
they were so very pitiful in their nature and 
effects, that a grave historian, who grudges the 
time spent in any thing less than recording the 
fall of empires, and the revolution of worlds, 
would think them unworthy to be inscribed on 
his sacred page. 

The reader is therefore to take it for granted, 
though I scorn to waste in the detail that time, 
which my furrowed brow and trembling hand in- 
form me is invaluable, that all the while the great 
Peter was occupied in those tremendous and 
bloody contests tliat I shall shortly rehearse, tliere 
was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling 



310 EXULTATION OF THE GOVERNOR. 

skirmishes, scourings, broils, and maraudings made 
on the eastern frontiers, by the moss-troopers of 
Connecticut. But hke that mirror of chivahy, the 
sage and valorous Don Quixote, I leave these petty 
contests for some future Sancho Panza of an his- 
torian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen 
for achievements of higher dignity. 

Now did the great Peter conclude that his 
labours had come to a close in the east, and that 
he had nothing to do but apply himself to the 
internal prosperity of his beloved Manhattoes. 
Though a man of great modesty, he could not 
help boasting that he had at length shut the 
temple of Janus, and that, were all rulers like a 
certain person who should be nameless, it would 
never be opened again. But the exultation of the 
worthy governor was put to a speedy check ; for 
scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly was 
the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty and 
discourteous council of the league sought a new 
pretence for reilluming the flames of discord. 

It seems to be the nature of confederacies, re- 
publics, and such like powers, that want the true 
masculine character, to indulge exceedingly in cer- 
tain feminine panics and suspicions. Like some 
good lady of delicate and sickly virtue, who is in 
constant dread of having her vestal purity con- 
taminated or seduced, and who, if a man do but 
take her by the hand, or look her in the face, is 
ready to cry out, rape ! and ruin ! — so these 
squeamish governments are perpetually on the 
alarm for the virtue of the countrv : everv manlv 



REPUBLICAN SQUEAMISHNESS. 311 

measure is a violation of the constitution — every 
monarchy or other masculine government around 
them is laying snares for their seduction ; and 
they are for ever detecting infernal plots, by 
which they were to be betrayed, dishonoured, and 
" brought upon the town." 

If any proof were wanting of the truth of these 
opinions, I would instance the conduct of a cer- 
tain republic of our day ; who, good dame, has 
already withstood so many plots and conspiracies 
against her virtue, and has so often come near 
being made " no better than she should be." I 
would notice her constant jealousies of poor old 
England, who, by her own account, has been in- 
cessantly trying to sap her honour ; thougli, from 
my soul, I never could believe the honest okl 
gentleman meant her any rudeness. Whereas, on 
the contrary, I think I have several times caught 
her squeezing hands and indulging in certain 
amorous oglings with that sad fellow Bonaparte 
— who all the world knows to be a great despoiler 
of national virtue, to have ruined all the empires 
in his neighbourhood, and to have debauched 
every republic that came in his way — but so it is, 
these rakes seem always to gain singular favoiu- 
with the ladies. 

But I crave pardon of my reader for thus 
wandering, and will endeavour in some measure 
to apply the foregoing remarks ; for in the year 
l(i51 we are told that the great confederacy of the 
east accused the immaculate Peter — the soul of 
honour and heart of steel — that by divers gifts 



31 '2 FOUL CHARGES AGAINST PETER. 

and promises he had been secretly endeavourmg 
to instigate the Narrohigansett (or Narraganset), 
Mohaque, and Pequot Indians, to surprise and 
massacre the Yankee settlements. " For,*' as the 
council slanderously observed, "the Indians round 
about for divers hundred miles cercute, seeme to 
have drunke deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or 
from the Manhatoes against the English, whoe have 
sought their good, both in bodily and spirituall 
respects." 

History does not make mention how the great 
council of the Amphyctions came by this precious 
plot ; whether it was honestly bought at a fair 
market price, or discovered by sheer good fortune 
— It is certain, however, that they examined divers 
Indians, who all swore to the fact, as sturdily as 
though they had been so many Christian troopers: 
and to be more sure of their veracity, the sage 
council previously made every mother's son of 
them devoutly drunk, remembering an old and 
trite proverb, which it is not necessary for me to 
repeat. 

Though descended from a family which suffered 
much injury from the losel Yankees of those times 
— my great grandfather having had a yoke of oxen 
and his best pacer stolen, and having received a 
pair of black eyes and a bloody nose in one of 
these border wars ; and my grandfather, when a 
very little boy tending pigs, having been kid- 
napped and severely flogged by a long-sided Con- 
necticut schoolmaster — Yet I should have passed 
over all these wrongs with Ibrgiveness and oblivion 



THEIR FALSEHOOD ASSERTED. 313 

— I could even have suffered them to have broken 
Evert Ducking's head, to have kicked the doughty 
Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged regiment out 
of doors, carried every hog into captivity, and de- 
populated every hen-roost on the face of the earth 
with perfect impunity — But this wanton attack 
upon one of the most gallant and irreproachable 
heroes of modern times is too much even for me 
to digest, and has overset, with a single puflr^ the 
patience of the historian, and the forbearance of 
the Dutchman. 

Oh reader, it was false ! — I swear to thee, it was 
false ! — if thou hast any respect for my word — if 
the undeviating character for veracity, which I 
have endeavoured to maintain throughout this 
work, has its due weight with thee, thou wilt not 
give thy faith to this tale of slander ; for I pledge 
my honour and my immortal fame to thee, that 
the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was not only in- 
nocent of this foul conspiracy, but would have 
suffered his right arm or even his wooden leg to 
consume with slow and everlasting flames, rather 
than attempt to destroy his enemies in any other 
way than open generous warfare — Beshrew those 
caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his honest 
name by such an imputation ! 

Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never 
heard of a Knight Errant, yet had he as true a 
heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table 
of King Arthur. There was a spirit of native gal- 
lantry, a noble and generous hardihood dillhsed 



31 i HONOUR OF PETER VINDICATED. 

through his rugged manners, which altogether 
gave unquestionable tokens of an heroic mind. 
He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by 
the hand of nature at a single heat ; and though 
she had taken no further care to polish and refine 
her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle of her 
skill. 

But not to be figurative (a fault in historic 
writing which I particularly eschew), the great 
Peter possessed, in an eminent degree, the seven 
renowned and noble virtues of knighthood, which, 
as he had never consulted authors in the dis- 
ciplining and cultivating o£ his mind, I verily 
believe must have been implanted in a corner 
of his heart by dame Nature herself — where they 
flourished among his hardy qualities, like so many 
sweet wild flowers, shooting forth and thriving 
with redundant luxuriance among stubborn rocks. 
Such was the mind of Peter the Headstrong, and 
if my admiration for it has, on this occasion, trans- 
ported my style beyond the sober gravity which 
becomes the laborious scribe of historic events, I 
can plead as an apology, that though a little grey- 
headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the bottom 
of the down-hill of life, I still retain some portion 
of that celestial fire, which sparkles in the eye of 
youth, when contemplating the virtues and achieve- 
ments of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and 
nine times blessed, be the good St. Nicholas— that 
I have escaped tlie influence of that chilling apathy, 
which too often freezes the sympathies of aii'e ; 



HIS HEROIC CHALLENGE. 



315 



which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals of 
the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, and 
paralyzing every spontaneous glow of enthusiasm. 
No sooner, then, did this scoundrel imputation 
on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, 
than he proceeded in a manner which would have 
redounded to his credit, even though he had 
studied for years in the library of Don Quixote 
himself. He immediately despatched his valiant 
trumpeter and squire, Antony Van Corlear, with 
orders to ride night and day, as herald to the 
Amphyctionic council, reproaching them in terms 
of noble indignation, for giving ear to the slanders 
of heathen infidels against the character of a 
Christian, a gentleman, and a soldier — and de- 
claring that as to the treacherous and bloody plot 
alleged against him, whoever affirmed it to be true 
lied in his teeth ! — to prove which, he defied the 
president of the council and all of his compeers, 
or if they pleased, their puissant champion, captain 
Alicxsander Partridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, 
to meet him in single combat, where he would 
trust the vindication of his innocence to the prowess 
of his arm. 

This challenge being delivered with due cere- 
mony, Antony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of 
defiance before the whole council, ending with a 
most horrific and nasal twang, full in the face of 
Captain Partridg, who almost jumped out of his 
skin in an ecstacy of astonishment at the noise. 
This done, he mounted a tall Flanders mare, which 
he always rode, and trotted merrily towards the 



316 ANSWER TO THE COUNCIL. 

Manhattoes — passing through Hartford, and Py- 
quag, and Middletown, and all the other border 
towns — twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so, 
that the sweet valleys and banks of the Connecticut 
resounded with the warlike melody — and stopping 
occasionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance at country 
frolics, and bundle with the beauteous lasses of 
those parts — whom he rejoiced exceedingly with 
his soul-stirring instrument. 

But the grand council, being composed, of con- 
siderate men, had no idea of running a tilting with 
such a fiery hero as the hardy Peter — on the con- 
trary, they sent him an answer, couched in the 
meekest, the most mild and provoking terms, in 
which they assured him that his guilt was proved 
to their perfect satisfaction, by the testimony of 
divers sober and respectable Indians, and con- 
cluding with this truly amiable paragraph — " For 
youre confidant denialls of the Barbarous plott 
charged will waigh little in balance against such 
evidence, soe that we must still require and seeke 
due satisfaction and cecuritie, so we rest. 
Sir, 
Youres in wayes of Righteousness, <kc." 

I am aware that the above transaction has been 
differently recorded by certain liistoriaus of the 
east, and elsewliere ; who seem to have inherited 
the bitter enmity of their ancestors to the brave 
Peter — and much good may their inheritance do 
them ! These declare, that Peter Stuyvesaiit re- 
quested to have the charges against him niquircd 



CONDUCT OF THEIR COMMISSIONERS. <^17 

into, by commissioners to be appointed for the 
purpose ; and yet that when such commissioners 
were appointed, he refused to submit to their 
examination. In this artful account there is but the 
semblance of truth — he did, indeed, most gallantly 
offer, when that he found a deaf ear was turned to 
his challenge, to submit his conduct to the rigorous 
inspection of a court of honour — but then he ex- 
pected to find it an august tribunal, composed of 
courteous gentlemen, the governors and nobility of 
the confederate plantations, and of the province 
of New-Netherlands ; where he might be tried by 
his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank and 
dignity — whereas, let me perish, if they did not 
send to the Manhattoes two lean-sided hungry 
pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with 
saddle-bags under their bottoms, and green satchels 
under their arms, as though they were about to 
beat the hoof from one county court to another in 
search of a law-suit. 

The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, took 
no notice of these cunning varlets ; who with pro- 
fessional industry fell to prying and sifting about, 
in quest of ea: jyarte evidence; perplexing divers 
simple Indians and old women with their cross 
questioning, until they contradicted and forswore 
themselves most horribly. Thus having fulfilled 
their errand to their own satisfaction, they returned 
to the grand council with their satchels and saddle- 
bags stuffed full of villanous rumours, apocryphal 
stories, and outrageous calumnies, — for all which 
the great Peter did not care a tobacco-stopper ; 



318 CRUSADE DENOUNCED AGAINST 

but, I warrant me, had they attempted to play off 
the same trick upon William the Testy, he would 
have treated them both to an aereal gambol on his 
patent gallows. 

The grand council of the east held a very solemn 
meeting on the return of their envoys, and after 
they had pondered a long time on the situation of 
affairs, were upon the point of adjourning without 
being able to agree upon any thing. At this 
critical moment one of those meddlesome, inde- 
fatigable spirits, who endeavour to establish a 
character for patriotism by blowing the bellows of 
party, until the whole furnace of politics is red- 
hot with sparks and cinders — and who have just 
cunnins: enouo'h to know that there is no time so 
favourable for getting on the people's backs as 
when they are in a state of turmoil, and attending 
to every body's business but their own — this 
aspiring imp of faction, who was called a great poli- 
tician, because he had secured a seat in council 
by calumniating all his opponents — he, I say, con- 
ceived this a fit opportunity to strike a blow that 
should secure his popularity among his consti- 
tuents, who lived on the borders of Nieuw-Neder- 
landt, and were tlie greatest poachers in Christen- 
dom, excepting the Scotch border nobles. Like 
a second Peter the hermit, therefore, he stood forth 
and preached up a crusade against Peter Stuy- 
vesant, and his devoted city. 

He made a speech which lasted six hours, ac- 
cording to the ancient custom in these parts, in 
which he represented the Dutch as a race of im- 



THE DUTCH ANTI-PUMPKINITES. 319 

pious heretics, who neither believed in witchcraft 
nor the sovereign virtues of horse-shoes — who left 
their country for the lucre of gain, not like them- 
selves, for the enjoyment of liberty of conscience — 
who, in short, were a race of mere cannibals and 
anthropophagi, inasmuch as they never ate cod- 
fish on Saturdays, devoured swine's flesh without 
molasses, and held pumpkins in utter contempt. 

This speech had the desired effect, for the council, 
being awakened by the serjeant at arms, rubbed 
their eyes, and declared that it was just and politic 
to declare instant war against these unchristian anti- 
pumpkinites. But it w^as necessary that the people 
atlarge shouldfirstbepreparedforthis measure, and 
for this purpose the arguments of the orator were 
preached from the pulpit for several Sundays sub- 
sequent, and earnestly recommended to the con- 
sideration of every good Christian, who professed, 
as well as practised, the doctrine of meekness, 
charity, and the forgiveness of injuries. This is 
the first time we hear of the " Drum Ecclesiastic'* 
beating up for political recruits in our country; 
and it proved of such signal efficacy, that it has 
since been called into frequent service throughout 
our union. A cunning politician is often found 
sculking under the clerical robe, with an outside 
all religion, and an inside all political rancour. 
Things spiritual and things temporal are strangely 
jumbled together, like poisons and antidotes on an 
apothecary's shelf; and instead of a devout sermon, 
the simple church-going folk have often a political 
pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled with 
a pious text from Scripture. 



3*^0 PETER'S WISE PRECAUTIONS. 



CHAPTER V. 

How the Netv-Amsterdammers became great in arms, and of the 
direful catastrophe of a mighty army — together xvith Peter Stuy- 
vesant's meastires to fortify the city — andhoxv he ivas the original 
founder of the Battery. 

But notwithstanding that the grand conncil, 
as I have ah'eady shown, were amazingly dis- 
creet in their proceedings respecting the New- 
Netherlands, and conducted the whole with almost 
as much silence and mystery as does the sage 
British cabinet one of its ill-starred secret ei'pedi- 
tions — ^yet did the ever-watchful Peter receive as 
full and accurate information of every movement 
as does the court of France of all the notable 
enterprises I have mentioned. — He accordingly 
set himself to work, to render the machinations 
of his bitter adversaries abortive. 

I know that many will censure the precipita- 
tion of this stout-hearted old governor, in that he 
hurried into the expenses of fortification, without 
ascertaining whether they were necessary, by 
prudently waiting until the enemy was at the 
door. But they sliould recollect that Peter Stuy- 
vesant had not the benefit of an insight into the 
modern arcana of politics, and was strangely bi- 
sjoted to certain obsolete maxims of'thc old school ; 



VALOROUS TRAIN-BANDS. 321 

among which he firmly beheved, that, to render a 
country respected abroad, it was necessary to make 
it formidable at home — and that a nation should 
place its reliance for peace and security more upon 
its own strength than on the justice or good will 
of its neighbours. — He proceeded, therefore, with 
all diligence, to put the province and metropolis 
in a strong posture of defence. 

Among the few remnants of ingenious inven- 
tions which remained from the days of William 
the Testy were those impregnable bulwarks of 
pubUc safety, militia laws ; by which the inha- 
bitants were obliged to turn out twice a year, with 
such military equipments — as it pleased God ; 
and were put under the command of very valiant 
tailors and man-milliners, who though on ordi- 
nary occasions the meekest, pippin-hearted little 
men in the world, were very devils at parades and 
court-martials, when they had cocked hats on 
their heads and swords by their sides. Under 
the instructions of these periodical warriors, the 
gallant train-bands made marvellous proficiency 
in the mystery of gunpowder. They were taught 
to face to the right, to wheel to the left, to snap 
off empty fire-locks without winking, to turn a 
corner without any great uproar or irregularity, 
and to march through sun and rain from one end 
of the town to the other without flinching — until in 
the end they became so valorous that they fired off 
blank cartridges, without so much as turning away 
their heads — could hear the largest field-piece dis- 



32S A SMALL MISTAKE RECTIFIED. 

charged without stopping their ears, or falling into 
much confusion — and would even go through all 
the fatigues and perils of a summer day's parade,' 
without having their ranks much thinned by de- 
sertion ! 

True it is, tlie genius of this truly pacific peo- 
ple was so little given to war, that during the 
intervals which occurred between field-days, they 
generally contrived to forget all the military tui- 
tion they had received ; so that when they re-ap- 
peared on parade, they scarcely knew the but-end 
of the musket from the muzzle, and invariably 
mistook the right shoulder for the left — a mistake 
which, however, was soon obviated by chalking 
their left arms. But whatever might be their 
blunders and awkwardness, the sagacious Kieft 
declared them to be of but little importance — 
since, as he judiciously observed, one campaign 
would be of more instruction to them than a hun- 
dred parades ; for though two-thirds of them might 
be food for powder, yet such of the other third as 
did not run away would become most experienced 
veterans. 

The great Stuyvesant had no particular vene- 
ration for the ingenious experiments and institu- 
tions of his shrewd predecessor, and among other 
things, held the militia system in very considerable 
contempt, which he was often heard to call in joke 
— for he was sometimes fond of a joke — governor 
Kieft*s broken reed. As, however, the pre- 
sent emergency was pressing, he was obliged to 



PETER'S RAGGED REGIMENT. S'23 

avail himself of such means of defence as were 
next at hand, and accordingly appointed a general 
inspection and parade of the train-bands. But oh 1 
Mars and Bellona, and all ye other powers of war 
both great and small, what a turning out was 
here ! — Here came men without officers, and of- 
ficers without men — long fowling-pieces and short 
blunderbusses — muskets of all sorts and sizes, 
some without bayonets, others without locks, 
others without stocks, and many without lock, 
stock, or barrel. — Cartridge-boxes, shot-belts, pow- 
der-horns, swords, hatchets, snicker-snees, crow- 
bars, and broomsticks, all mingled higgeldy-pig- 
gledy — like one of our continental armies at the 
breaking out of the revolution. 

This sudden transformation of a pacific com- 
munity into a band of warriors is doubtless what 
is meant, in modern days, by " putting a nation 
in armour," and " fixing it in an attitude :" in 
which armour and attitude it makes as martial a 
figure, and is likely to acquit itself with as much 
prowess, as the renowned Sancho Panza, when sud- 
denly equipped to defend his Island of Barataria. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment 
with some such rueful aspect as a man would eye 
the devil ; but knowing, like a wise man, that all 
he had to do was to make the best out of a bad 
bargain, he determined to give his heroes a season- 
ing. Having, therefore, drilled them through the 
manual exercise over and over again, he ordered 
the fifes to strike up a quick march, and trudged 
his sturdy boots backwards and forwards about 

y2 



SM ITS AWFUL DISSOLUTION. 

the streets of New- Amsterdam, and the fields ad- 
jacent, until their short legs ached, and their fat 
sides sweated again. But this was not all ; the 
martial spirit of the old governor caught fire from 
the sprightly music of the fife, and he resolved to 
try the mettle of his troops, and give them a taste 
of the hardships of iron war. To this end he en- 
camped them, as the shades of evening fell, upon 
a hill formerly called Bunker's hill, at some di- 
stance from the town, with a full intention of ini- 
tiating them into the discipline of camps, and of 
renewing, the next day, the toils and perils of the 
field. But so it came to pass, that in the night 
there fell a great and heavy rain, which descended 
in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty army 
strangely melted away before it; so that when 
Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morning beams 
upon the place, saving Peter Stuyvesant and his 
trumpeter Van Corlear, scarce one was to be found 
of all the multitude that had encamped there the 
night before. 

This awful dissolution of his army would have 
appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter 
Stuyvesant ; but he considered it as a matter of 
but small importance, though he thenceforward 
regarded the militia system with ten times greater 
contempt than ever, and took care to provide him- 
self with a good garrison of chosen men, whom he 
kept in pay, of whom he boasted that they at least 
possessed the quality, indispensable in soldiers, of 
being water-proof. 

The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant was to- 



A PRODIGIOUS STRONG WALL BUILT. 325 

Strengthen and fortify New- Amsterdam. For this 
purpose he caused to be built a strong picket fence 
that reached across the island, from river to river, 
being intended to protect the city, not merely 
from the sudden invasions of foreign enemies, but 
likewise from the incursions of the neighbouring 
savages*. 

Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the 
building of this wall to a later period, but they are 
wholly incorrect ; for a memorandum in the Stuy- 
vesant manuscript, dated towards the middle of 
the governor's reign, mentions this wall particu- 
larly, as a very strong and curious piece of work- 
manship, and the admiration of all the savages in 
the neighbourhood. And it mentions, moreover, 
the alarming circumstance of a drove of stray 
cows breaking through the grand wall of a dark 
night ; by which the whole community of New- 
Amsterdam was throwai into a terrible panic. 

In addition to this great wall, he cast up several 
outworks to Fort Amsterdam, to protect the sea- 
board, at the point of the island. These consisted 

* In an antique view of New- Amsterdam, taken some years 
after the above period, is a representation of this wall, which 
stretched along the course of Wall-street, so called in comme- 
moration of this great bulwark. One gate, called the Land- 
Poort, opened upon Broad-way, hard by where at present stands 
the Trinity Church ; and another, called the Water-Poort, stood 
about where the Tontine Coffee-house is at present- — opening 
upon Sniits Vleye, or, as it is commonly called, Smith Fly, then 
a marshy valley, with a creek or inlet extending up what we call 
Maiden-lane. 



326 



ORIGIN OF " THE BATTERY.' 



of formidable mud batteries, solidly faced, after 
the manner of the Dutch ovens common in those 
days, with clam shells. 

These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, 
came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet 
of grass and clover, and their high embankments 
overshadowed by wide-spreading sycamores, among 
whose foliage the little birds sported about, re- 
joicing the ear with - their melodious notes. The 
old burghers w^ould repair of an afternoon to 
smoke their pipes under the shade of their branches, 
contemplating the golden sun as he gradually sunk 
into the west, an emblem of that tranquil end to- 
ward which themselves were ha&tening — while the 
young men and the damsels of the town would take 
many a moonlight stroll among these favourite 
haunts, watching the silver beams of chaste Cyn- 
thia tremble along the calm bosom of the bay, 
or light up the white sail of some gliding bark, 
and interchanging the honest vows of constant 
affection. Such was the origin of that renowned 
walk THE BATTERY, which, though ostensibly de- 
voted to the purposes of war, lias ever been con- 
secrated to the sweet delights of peace. The 
favourite walk of declining age^ — the healthful 
resort of the feeble invalid — the Sunday refresh- 
ment of the dusty tradesman — the scene of many 
a boyish gambol — the rendezvous of many a tender 
assignation — the comfort of the citizen — the orna- 
ment of New York — and the pride of the lovely 
island of Mannahata. 



HOSTILE PREPARATIONS OF THE LEAGUE. 327 



CHAPTER VI. 

Hotc the people of the east country toere suddenly affiicted tvith 
a diabolical evil — and their judicious measures for the extirpa- 
tion thereof. 

Having thus provided for the temporary se- 
curity of New- Amsterdam, and guarded it against 
any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a 
hearty pinch of snufF, and snapphig his fingers, 
set the great council of Amphyctions, and their 
champion, the doughty Alicxsander Partridg, at 
defiance. It is impossible to say, notwithstand- 
ing, what might have been the issue of this affair, 
had not the council been all at once involved in 
sad perplexity, and as much dissension sown among 
its members as of yore was stirred up in the camp 
of the brawling warriors of Greece. 

The council of the league, as I have shown in 
my last chapter, had already announced its hostile 
determinations, and already was the mighty colony 
of New-Haven and the puissant town of Pyquag, 
otherwise called Weathersfield — famous for its 
onions and its witches — and the great trading 
house of Hartford, and all the other redoubtable 
border towns, in a prodigious turmoil, furbishing 
up their rusty fowling-pieces, and shouting aloud 
for war ; by which they anticipated easy conquests 



328 HOW THWARTED. 

and gorgeous spoils from the little fat Dutch vil- 
lages. But this joyous brawling was soon silenced 
by the conduct of the colony of Massachusetts. 
Struck with the gallant spirit of the brave old 
Peter, and convinced by the chivalric frankness 
and heroic warmth of his vindication, they refused 
to believe him guilty of the infamous plot most 
wrongfully laid at his door. With a generosity 
for which I would yield them immortal honour, 
they declared, that no determination of the grand 
council of the league should bind the general court 
of Massachusetts to join in an offensive war, which 
should appear to such general court to be unjust*. 
This refusal immediately involved the colony 
of Massachusetts and the other combined colonies 
in very serious difficulties and disputes, and w^ould 
no doubt have produced a dissolution of the con- 
federacy, but that the council of Amphyctions, 
finding that they could not stand alone, if mutilated 
by the loss of so important a member as Massa- 
chusetts, were fain to abandon for the present 
their hostile machinations against the Manhattoes. 
Such is the marvellous energy and the puissance 
of those confederacies, composed of a number of 
sturdy, self-willed, discordantparts, looselybanded 
together by a puny general government. As it 
was, however, the warlike towns of Connecticut 
had no cause to deplore this disappointment of 
their martial ardour ; for by my faith — though the 

* Haz. Col. S. Pap. 



NEW ENGLAND HORRIBLY BELEAGURED. 3^0 

combined powers of the league might have been 
too potent in the end for the robustious warriors 
of the Manhattoes — yet in the interim would the 
lion-hearted Peter and his myrmidons have choked 
the stomachful heroes of Pyquag with their own 
onions, and have given the other little border 
towns such a scouring, that I warrant they would 
have had no stomach to squat on the land or 
invade the hen-roost of a New-Nederlander for a 
century to come. 

Indeed there was more than one cause to di- 
vert the attention of the good people of the east 
from their hostile purposes; for just about this 
time were they horribly beleagured and harassed 
by the inroads of the prince of darkness, divers of 
whose liege subjects they detected lurking within 
their camp, all of whom they incontinently roasted 
as so many spies and dangerous enemies. Not to 
speak in parables, we are informed that at this 
juncture the New-England provinces were ex- 
ceedingly troubled by multitudes of losel witches, 
who wrought strange devices to beguile and dis- 
tress the multitude ; and notwithstanding nume- 
rous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted 
against all *' solem conversing or compacting 
with the divii, by way of conjuracon or the like*," 
yet did the dark crime of witchcraft continue to 
increase to an alarming degree, that would almost 
transcend belief, were not the fact too well authen- 
ticated to be even doubted for an instant. 

* New-Plymouth record. 



330 CREDULITY OF THE MOB. 

What is particularly wortliy of admiration is, 
that this terrible art, which so long has baffled the 
painful researches and abstruse studies of philoso- 
phers, astrologers, alchymists, theurgists, and other 
sages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, 
decrepit, and ugly old women in the community, 
who had scarcely more brains than the broomsticks 
they rode upon. 

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, 
who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long in 
want of proofs to support it — raise but the cry of 
yellow fever, and immediately every head-ache, 
and indigestion, and overflowing of the bile, is 
pronounced tlie terrible epidemic— In like manner 
in the present instance, whoever was troubled with 
a colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched, and 
woe to any unlucky old woman that lived in his 
neighbourhood. Such a howling abomination could 
not be suffered to remain long unnoticed, and it 
accordingly soon attracted the fiery indignation 
of the sober and reflective part of the community 
— more especially of those, who, whilome, had 
evinced so much active benevolence in the con- 
version of quakers and anabaptists. The grand 
council of the Amphyctions pubHcly set their 
faces against so deadly and dangerous a sin, and 
a severe scrutiny took place after those nefarious 
witches, who were easily detected by devil's 
pinches, black cats, broomsticks, and the circum- 
stance of their only being able to weep three tears, 
and those out of the left eye. 

It is incredible the number of offences that 



MARVELLOUS INSTANCE OF OBSTINACY. 331 

were detected, " for every one of which/' says 
the profound and revered Cotton Mather, in that 
excellent work, the history of New-England — " we 
have such a sufficient evidence, that no reasonable 
man in this whole country ever did question 
them ; and it will be unreasonable to do it in any 
other *." 

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, 
John Josselyn, Gent, furnishes us with unques- 
tionable facts on this subject. '* There are none,'* 
observes he, " that beg in this country, but there 
be witches too many — bottle-bellied witches and 
others, that produce many strange apparitions, if 
you will believe report of a shallop at sea manned 
with women — and of a ship and great red horse 
standing by the main-mast ; the ship being in a 
small cove to the eastward vanished of a sudden," 
&c. 

The number of delinquents, however, and their 
magical devices, were not more remarkable than 
their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted in the 
most solemn, persuasive, and affectionate manner, 
to confess themselves guilty, and be burnt for the 
good of religion, and the entertainment of the 
public ; yet did they most pertinaciously persist 
in asserting their innocence. Such iftcredible ob- 
stinacy was in itself deserving of immediate pu- 
nishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were 
necessary, that they were in league with the devil, 

* Mather's Hist. New Eng. B. 6. ch. 7. 



S32 GENTLE MODE OF EXTIRPATING WITCHCRAFT. 

who is perverseness itself. But their judges were 
just and merciful, and were determined to punish 
none that were not convicted on the best of tes- 
timony ; not that they needed any evidence to 
satisfy their own minds, for, like true and expe- 
rienced judges, their minds were perfectly made 
up, and they were thoroughly satisfied of the 
guilt of the prisoners before they proceeded to 
try them : but still something was necessary to 
convince the community at large — to quiet those 
prying quidnuncs who should come after them — 
in short, the world must be satisfied. Oh the 
world — the world ! — all the world knows the world 
of trouble the world is eternally occasioning ! — 
The worthy judges, therefore, were driven to the 
necessity of sifting, detecting, and making evi- 
dent as noon-day, matters which were at the com- 
mencement all clearly understood and firmly de- 
cided upon in their own pericraniums — so that it 
may truly be said, that the witches were burnt to 
gratify the populace of the day — but were tried 
for the satisfaction of the whole world that should 
come after them ! 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, 
sound reason, nor friendly entreaty, had any avail 
on these hardened oflTenders, they resorted to the 
more urgent arguments of the torture, and having 
thus absolutely wrung the truth from their stub- 
born lips — they condemned them to undergo the 
roasting due unto the heinous crimes they had 
confessed. Some even carried their perverseness 



ALL THE Ugly old women destroyed. 3S3 

so far as to expire under the torture, protesting 
their innocence to the last ; but these were looked 
upon as thoroughly and absolutely possessed by the 
devil, and the pious bystanders only lamented 
that they had not lived a little longer, to have 
perished in the flames. 

In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the 
plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beg- 
gar to death, whom Apollonius pointed out as 
being the evil spirit that caused it, and who 
actually showed himself to be a demon, by chano-- 
ing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by 
measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was 
given to this growing evil. The witches were 
all burnt, banished, or panic-struck, and in a 
little while there was not an ugly old woman to 
be found throughout New-England — which is 
doubtless one reason why all the young women 
there are so handsome. Those honest folk who 
had suffered from their incantations gradually 
recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted 
with twitches and aches, which, however, assumed 
the less alarming aspects of rheumatisms, sciatics, 
and lumbagos — and the good people of New-Eng- 
land, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, 
turned their attention to the more profitable hocus 
pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the 
legerdemain art of turning a penny. Still, how- 
ever, a tinge of the old leaven is discernible, even 
unto this day, in their characters — witches oc- 
casionally start up among them in different dis- 



334> REMARKABLE CIRCUMSTANCE. 

guises, as physicians, civilians, and divines. The 
people at large show a keenness, a cleverness, 
and a profundity of wisdom, that savours strongly 
of witchcraft — and it has been remarked, that 
whenever any stones fall from the moon, the 
greater part of them is sure to tumble into New- 
England ! 



PROTECTING CARE OF ST. NICHOLAS. 



335 



CHAPTER VII. 

Which records the rise and roiown of a valiant commander , shoxu- 
ingihat a mati, like a bladder, may he puffed up to greatness and 
importance by mere ivind. 

When treating of these tempestuous times, the 
unknown writer of the Stujvesant manuscript 
breaks out into a vehement apostrophe in praise 
of the good St. Nicholas ; to whose protecting care 
he entirely ascribes the strange dissensions that 
broke out in the council of the Amphyctions, and 
the direful witchcraft that prevailed in the east 
country — whereby the hostile machinations against 
the Nederlanders were for a time frustrated, and 
his favourite city of New-Amsterdam preserved 
from imminent peril and deadly warfare. Dark- 
ness and lowering superstition hung over the fair 
valleys of the east; the pleasant banks of the Con- 
necticut no longer echoed with the sounds of rustic 
gaiety J direful plmntoms and portentous appa- 
ritions were seen in the air — gliding spectrums 
haunted every wild brook and dreary glen — strange 
voices, made by viewless forms, were heard in 
desert solitudes — and the border towns were so 
occupied in detecting and punishing the knowing 
old women, that had produced these alarming ap- 
pearances, that for a while the province of Nieuw- 



336 



JACOBUS VON POFFENBURGH. 



Nederlandt and its inhabitants were totally for- 



gotten. 



The great Peter, therefore, finding that nothing 
\vas to be immediately apprehended from his 
eastern neighbours, turned himself about, with a 
praiseworthy vigilance that ever distinguished him, 
to put a stop to the insults of the Swedes. These 
freebooters, my attentive reader will recollect, had 
begun to be very troublesome towards the latter 
part of the reign of William the Testy, having set 
the proclamations of that doughty little governor 
at naught, and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpen- 
dam to a perfect nonplus! 

Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been 
shown, was a governor of different habits and turn 
of mind — without more ado he immediately issued 
orders for raising a corps of troops to be stationed 
on the southern frontier, under the command of 
brigadier-general Jacobus Von Poffenburgh. This 
illustrious warrior had risen to great importance 
during the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft, and if histo- 
ries speak true, was second in command to the hap- 
less Van Curlet, when he and his ragged regiment 
were inhumanly kicked out of Fort Good Hope 
by the Yankees. In consequence of having been 
in such a '* memorable affair," and of havinsr 
received more wounds on a certain honourable 
part that shall be nameless than any of his com- 
rades, he was ever after considered as a hero, who 
had " seen some service.'* Certain it is, he enjoyed 
the unlimited confidence and friendship of William 



HIS CHARACTER. ^3? 

the Testy, who would sit for hours, and listen with 
wonder to his gunpowder narratives of surprising 
victories — he had never gained; and dreadful 
battles — from which he had run away. 

It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, 
that heaven had infused into some men at their 
birth a portion of intellectual gold; into others of 
intellectual silver ; while others were bounteously 
furnished out with abundance of brass and iron: — 
now of this last class was undoubtedly the great ge- 
neral Von Poffenburgh, and from the display he 
continually made thereof, I am inclined to think 
that dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, 
had blessed him witli enough of those valuable 
materials to have fitted up a dozen ordinary bra- 
ziers. But what is most to be admired is, that he 
contrived to pass off all his brass and copper upon 
Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great judge of base 
coin, as pure and genuine gold. The consequence 
was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van 
Curlet, who, after the loss of Fort Good Hope, 
retired like a veteran general, to live under the 
shade of his laurels, the mighty " copper captain" 
was promoted to his station. This he filled with 
great importance, always styling himself " com- 
mander in chief of the armies of the New-Nether- 
lands;" though, to tell the truth, the armies, or 
rather army, consisted of a handful of hen-stealing, 
bottle-bruising ragamufiins. 

Such was the character of the warrior appointed 
by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern fron- 



338 HIS PERSON AND DRESS. 

tier, nor may it be uninteresting to my reader to 
have a glimpse of his person. He was not very 
tall, but notwithstanding a huge, full-bodied man, 
whose bulk did not so much arise from his being 
fat, as windy ; being so completely inflated with 
his own importance, that he resembled one of those 
bags of wind, which ^olus, in an incredible fit 
of generosity, gave to that wandering warrior 
Ulysses. 

His dress comported with his character, for he 
had almost as much brass and copper without as 
nature had stored away within : his coat was 
crossed and slashed, and carbonadoed with stripes 
of copper lace, and swathed round the body with 
a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fishing- 
net — doubtless to keep his valiant heart from burst- 
ing through his ribs. His head and whiskers were 
profusely powdered, from the midst of which his 
full-blooded fiice glowed like a fiery furnace ; and 
his magnanimous soul seemed ready to bounce out 
at a pair of large glassy blinking eyes, which prO"» 
jected like those of a lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie 
not this warrior, I would give all the money in my 
pocket to have seen him accoutred cap-a-pie, in 
martial array — booted to the middle — sashed to the 
chin — collared to the ears — whiskered to the teeth 
— crowned with an overshadowing cocked hat — and 
girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from 
which trailed a falchion, of a length that I dare 
not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as 



MILITARY MEN SCARCE. 3^9 

bitter-looking a man of war as the far-famed More 
of More Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all 
points, to slay the Dragon of Wantley*. 

Notwithstanding all the great endowments and 
transcendent qualities of this renowned general, I 
must confess he was not exactly the kind of man 
that the gallant Peter would have chosen to com- 
mand his troops — but the truth is, that in those 
days the province did not abound, as at present, 
in great military characters ; who, like so many 
Cincinnatuses, people every little village — mar- 
shalling out cabbages instead of soldiers, and sig- 
nalizing themselves in the corn-field, instead of 
the field of battle : — who have surrendered the toils 
of war for the more useful but inglorious arts of 
peace 5 and so blended the laurel with the olive, 
that you may have a general for a landlord, a 
colonel for a stage-driver, and your horse shod .by 
a valiant " captain of volunteers.'* The redoubt- 
able general Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was ap- 
pointed to the command of the new-levied troops, 
chiefly because there were no competitors for the 
station, and partly because it would have been a 

* " Had you but seen him in this dress 
How fierce he look'd and how big, 
You would have thought him for to be 
Some Egyptian Porcupig. 

He frighted all, cats, dogs and all. 

Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be 
Some strange outlandish hedge-hog." 

Ballad nf Drag, of Want, 
Z 2 



340 ERECTION OF FORT CASIMIR. 

breach of military etiquette to have appointed a 
younger officer over his head — an injustice which 
the great Peter would have rather died than have 
committed. 

No sooner did this thrice valiant copper cap- 
tain receive marching orders, than he conducted 
his army undauntedly to the southern frontier ; 
througii wild lands and savage deserts ; over in- 
surmountable mountains, across impassable floods, 
and through impenetrable forests ; subduing a 
vast tract of uninhabited country, and encoun- 
tering more perils, according to his own account, 
than did ever the great Xenophon in his far-famed 
retreat witii his ten thousand Grecians. All this 
accomplished, he established on the South (or 
Delaware) river a redoubtable redoubt, named 
Fort Casimir, in honour of a favourite pair of 
brimstone-coloured trunk-breeches of the go- 
vernor. As this fort will be found to give rise to 
very important and interesting events, it may be 
worth while to notice that it was afterwards called 
Nieuw-Amstel, and was the original germ of the 
present flourishing town of New Castle, an ap- 
pellation erroneously substituted for No Castle^ 
there neither being nor ever having been a castle, 
or any thing of the kind, upon the premises. 

The Swedes did not suffer tamely this menacing 
movement of the Nederlanders ; on the contrary, 
Jan Printz, at that time governor of New-Sweden, 
issued a protest against what he termed an en- 
croachment upon his jurisdiction. — But Von Pof- 



POMPOSITY OF VON POFFENBURGH. '"341 

fenburgh had become too well versed in the nature 
of proclamations and protests, while he served 
under William the Testy, to be in any wise 
daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress 
being finished, it would have done any man's 
heart good to behold into what a magnitude he 
immediately swelled. He would stride in and 
out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front and 
in rear, on this side and on that. Then would he 
dress himself in full regimentals, and strut back- 
wards and forwards, for hours together, on th^ top 
of his little rampart — like a vain-glorious cock 
pigeon vapouring on the top of his coop. In a 
word, unless my readers have noticed, with curious 
eye, the petty commander of one of our littie, 
snivelling, military posts, swelling with all the 
vanity of new regimentals, and the pomposity de- 
rived from commanding a handful of tatterdema- 
lions, I despair of giving them any adequate idea 
of the prodigious dignity of General Von Poffen- 
burgh. 

It is recorded in the delectable romance of 
Pierce Forest, that a young knight being dubbed 
by king Alexander, did incontinently gallop into 
an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees with 
such might and main, that the whole court was 
convinced that he was the most potent and cou- 
rageous gentleman on the face of the earth. In 
like manner, the great Von PofFenburgh would 
ease off that valorous spleen, which, like wind, is 
so apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of new- 



342 HIS EXPLOITS AND TACTICS, 

made soldiers, impelling them to box-lobby brawls 
and broken-headed quarrels : for at such times, 
when he found his martial spirit waxing hot within 
him, he would prudently sally forth into the fields, 
and lugging out his trusty sabre, would lay about 
him most lustily, decapitating cabbages by pla- 
toons J hewing down whole phalanxes of sun- 
flowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes ; and if 
peradventure he espied a colony of honest big- 
bellied pumpkins quietly basking themselves in 
the sun, '* All, caitiff Yankees !" would he roar, 
" have I caught ye at last?" So saying, with one 
sweep of his sword he would cleave the unhappy 
vegetables from their chins to their waistbands : 
by which warlike havoc his choler being in some 
sort allayed, he would return to his garrison with 
a full conviction that he was a very miracle of. 
military prowess. 

The next ambition of general Von Poffenburgh 
was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well 
knowing that discipline is the soul of all military 
enterprise, he enforced it with the most rigorous 
precision j obliging every man to turn out his toes, 
and hold up his head on parade, and prescribing 
the breadth of their rufHes to all such as had any 
shirts to their backs. 

Having one day, in the course of his devout re- 
searches in the Bible (for the pious Eneas himself 
could not exceed him in outward religion), en- 
countered the history of Absalom and his me- 
lancholy end, the general, in an evil hour, issued 



KILDERMEESTER'S LONG TAIL. 343 

orders for cropping the hair of both officers and 
men throughout the garrison. Now it came to 
pass, that among his officers was one Kildermees- 
ter — a sturdy veteran, who had cherished through 
the course of a long life a rugged mop of hair, 
not a little resembling the shag of a Newfound- 
land dog, terminating with an immoderate queue 
like the handle of a frying-pan, and queued so 
tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth gene- 
rally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn 
up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally 
be supposed that the possessor of so goodly an 
appendage would resist with abhorrence an order 
condemning it to the shears. On hearing the ge- 
neral orders, he discharged a tempest of veteran, 
soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums — swore 
he would break any man's head who attempted to 
meddle with his tail — queued it stiffer than ever, 
and whisked it about the garrison as fiercely as 
the tail of a crocodile. 

The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester be- 
came instantly an affair of the utmost importance. 
The commander in chief was too enlightened an 
officer not to perceive that the discipline of the 
garrison, the subordination and good order of the 
armies of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, the consequent 
safety of the whole province, and ultimately the 
dignity and prosperity of their High Mightinesses 
the Lords States-general, but above all, the dignity 
of the great General Von Poffenburgh, all im- 
periously demanded the docking of that stubborn 
queue. He tlierefore determined that old Kikler- 



314 WHY HE HAD A HOLE IN HIS COFFIN. 

meester should be publicly shorn of his glories in 
presence of the whole garrison — the old man as 
resolutely stood on the defensive — whereupon the 
general, as became a great man, was highly ex- 
asperated, and tlie offender was arrested and tried 
by a court martial for mutiny, desertion, and all 
the other list of offences noticed in the articles of 
war, ending with a " videlicet, in wearing an eel- 
skin queue, three feet long, contrary to orders." 
Then came on arraignments, and trials, and 
pleadings ; and the whole country was in a ferment 
about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known 
that the commander of a distant frontier post has 
the power of acting pretty much after his own 
will, there is little doubt but that the veteran 
would have been hanged or shot at least, had he 
not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere 
chagrin and mortification — and most flagitiously 
deserted from all earthly command, with his be- 
loved locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained 
unshaken to the very last moment, when he di- 
rected that he should be carried to his crrave 
with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a hole in 
his coffin. 

This magnanimous affair obtained the general 
great credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it 
is hinted that he was ever after subject to bad 
dreams, and fearful visitations in the night — when 
the grisly spectrum of old Kilderraeester would 
stand centinel by his bed-side, erect as a pump, 
his enormous queue strutting out like the handle. 



BOOK IV. 



CONTAINING THE SKCOND TART OF THE llEIGN OF PETER THE 

HEADSTRONG AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON 

THE DELAWARE. 



CHAPTER I. 

In ivhich is exhibited a tvarlike portrait of the great Peter — and 
how general Von Poffenbiirgh distinguished himself at Fort 
Casimir. 

Hitherto, most venerable and courteous reader, 
have I shown thee the administration of the valorous 
Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of peace, 
or rather the grim tranquillity of awful expecta- 
tion ; but now the war-drum rumbles from afar, 
the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and 
the rude clash of hostile arms speaks fearful pro- 
phecies of coming troubles. The gallant warrior 
starts from soft repose, from golden visions, and 
voluptuous ease ; where, in the dulcet, *' piping 
time of peace,'* he sought sweet solace after all 
his toils. No more in beauty's siren lap reclined, 
he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows ; no 
more entwines with flowers his shining sword, 
nor through the live-long lazy summer's day 
chants forth his lovesick soul in madrigals. To 



346 PETER GOES FORTH TO BATTLE. 

manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute; 
dofFs from his brawny back the robe of peace, and 
clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. 
O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle waved, 
where wanton roses breathed enervate love, he 
rears the beaming casque and nodding plume ; 
grasps the bright shield, and shakes the ponderous 
lance ; or mounts with eager pride his fiery steed, 
and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry! 

But soft, worthy reader ! I would not have you 
imagine that any preux chevalier^ thus hideously 
begirt with iron, existed in the city of New- Am- 
sterdam,- — This is but a lofty and gigantic mode, 
in which heroic writers always talk of war, thereby 
to give it a noble and imposing aspect; equipping 
our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and 
such-like outlandish and obsolete weapons, the 
like of which perchance they had never seen or 
heard of, in the same manner that a cunning 
statuary arrays a modern general or an admiral in 
the accoutrements of a Caesar or an Alexander. 
The simple truth then of all this oratorical flourish 
is this — that the valiant Peter Stuyvesant all of a 
sudden found it necessary to scour his trusty blade, 
which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and 
prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of 
war, in which his mighty soul so much delighted. 

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my 
imagination — or rather, I behold his goodly por- 
trait, which still hangs up in the family mansion of 
the Stuyvesants — arrayed in all the terrors of a 



HIS CHIVALRIC PORT. 347 

true Dutch general. His regimental coat of Ger- 
man blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly 
show of large brass buttons, reaching from his 
waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts 
turned up at the corners, and separating gallantly 
behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous 
pair of brimstone-coloured trunk breeches — a 
graceful style still prevalent among the warriors 
of our day, and which is in conformity to the 
custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend 
themselves in rear. — His face rendered exceeding 
terrible and warlike by a pair of black mustachios; 
his hair strutting out on each side in stiffly poma- 
tumed ear-locks, and descending in a rat-tail queue 
below his waist; a shining stock of black leather 
supporting his chin, and a little but fierce cocked 
hat, stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his left 
eye. Such was the chivalric port of Peter the 
Headstrong : and when he made a sudden halt, 
planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with 
his wooden leg' inlaid with silver a little in ad- 
vance, in order to strengthen his position, his right 
hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting 
upon the pummel of his sword; his head dressing 
spiritedly to the right, with a most appalling and 
hard-favoured frovv^n upon his brow — he presented 
altogether one of the most commanding, bitter- 
looking, and soldierlike figures that ever strutted 
upon canvas. — Proceed we now to inquire the 
cause of this warlike preparation. 

The encroaching disposition of the Swedes on 



'348 AGGRESSIONS OF THE SWEDES. 

the South or Delaware river has been duly re- 
corded in the chronicles of the reign of William 
the Testy. These encroachments having been en- 
dured with that heroic magnanimity which is the 
corner-stone of true courage, had been repeated, 
and wickedly aggravated. 

The Swedes, who were of that class of cunning 
pretenders to Christianity who read the Bible 
upside down whenever it interferes with their 
interests, inverted the golden maxim, and when 
their neighbour suffered them to smite him on the 
one cheek, they generally smote him on the other 
also, whether turned to them or not. Their re- 
peated aggressions had been among the numerous 
sources of vexation that conspired to keep the 
irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft in a con- 
stant fever, and it was only owing to the unfor- 
tunate circumstance, that he had always a hundred 
things to do at once, that he did not take such 
unrelenting vengeance as their offences merited. 
But they had now a chieftain of a different cha- 
racter to deal with; and they were soon guilty of 
a piece of treachery that threw his honest blood 
in a ferment, and precluded all further sufferance. 

Printz, the governor of the province of New- 
Sweden, being either deceased or removed, for of 
this fact some uncertainty exists, was succeeded 
by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and who, had 
he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-footed, 
might have served for the model of a Samson or 
a Hercules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, 



RISINGH, THE SWEDISH GOVERNOR. 349 

and withal as crafty as he was rapacious : so that, 
in fact, there is very little doubt, had he lived some 
four or five centuries before, he would have been 
one of those wicked giants who took such a cruel 
pleasure in pocketing distressed damsels, when 
gadding about the world, and locking them up in 
enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of 
linen, or any other convenience.— In consequence 
of which enormities they fell under the high dis- 
pleasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant 
knights were instructed to attack and slay outright 
any miscreant they might happen to find above 
six feet high ; which is doubtless one reason that 
the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the 
generations of latter ages so exceeding small. 

No sooner did governor Risingh enter upon his 
office than he immediately cast his eyes upon the 
important post of Fort Casimir, and formed the 
righteous resolution of taking it into his possession. 
The only thing that remained to consider was the 
mode of carrying his resolution into effect ; and 
here I must do him the justice to say, that he 
exhibited a humanity rarely to be met with among 
leaders, and which I have never seen equalled in 
modern times, excepting among the English, in 
their glorious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to 
spare the effusion of blood, and the miseries of 
open warfare, he benevolently shunned every thing 
like avowed hostility or regular siege, and resorted 
to the less glorious but more merciful expedient 
of treachery. 



350 HIS TREACHEROUS CONDUCT. 

Under pretence therefore of paying a neigh- 
bourly visit to general Von PofFenburgh, at his 
new post of Fort Casimir, he made requisite pre- 
paration, sailed in great state up the Delaware, 
displayed his flag with the most ceremonious 
punctilio, and honoured the fortress with a royal 
salute previous to dropphig anchor. The unusual 
noise awakened a veteran Dutch centinel, who 
was napping faithfully at his post, and who, having 
suffered his match to go out, contrived to return 
the compliment by discharging his rusty musket 
with the spark of a pipe, which he borrowed from 
one of his comrades. The salute indeed would 
have been answered by the guns of the fort, had 
they not unfortunately been out of order, and the 
magazine deficient in ammunition — accidents to 
which forts have in all ages been liable, and which 
were the more excusable in the present instance, 
as Fort Casimir had only been erected about two 
years, and general Von Poffenburgh, its mighty 
commander, had been fully occupied with matters 
of much greater importance. 

.Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous 
reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second, 
for he well knew its commander was marvellously 
delighted with these little ceremonials, which he 
considered as so many acts of homage paid unto his 
greatness. He then landed in great state, attended 
by a suite of thirty men — a prodigious and vain- 
glorious retinue for a petty governor of a petty 
settlement in those days of primitive simplicity; 



GARRISON OF FORT CA«IMIR. 351 

and to the full as great an army as generally swells 
the pomp and marches in the rear of our frontier 
commanders at the present day. 

The number in fact might have awakened 
suspicion, had not the mind of the great Von Pof- 
fenburgh been so completely engrossed with an 
all-pervading idea of himself, that he had not room 
to admit a thouglit besides. In fact, he considered 
the concourse of Risingh's followers as a compli- 
ment to himself — so apt are great men to stand 
betAveen themselves and the sun, and completely 
eclipse the truth by their own shadow. 

It may readily be imagined how much General 
Von PofFenburgh was flattered by a visit from so 
august a personage : his only embarrassment was 
how he should receive him in such a manner as 
to appear to the greatest advantage, and make 
the most advantageous impression. The main 
guard was ordered immediately to turn out, and 
the arms and regimentals (of which the garrison 
possessed full half a dozen suits) were equally 
distributed among the soldiers. One tall lank 
fellow appeared in a coat intended for a small 
man, the skirts of which reached a little below his 
waist, the buttons were between his shoulders, 
and the sleeves half way to his wrists, so that his 
hands looked like a couple of huge spades — and 
the coat not being large enough to meet in front, 
was linked together by loops made of a pair of red 
worsted garters. Another had an old cocked hat 
stuck on the back of his head, and decorated with 



352 THEIR REGIMENTAL ARRAY. 

a bunch of cocks' tails — a third had a pair of rusty 
gaiters hanging about his heels — while a fourth, 
who was short and duck-legged, was equipped in 
a huge pair of the general's cast off breeches, 
which he held up with one hand, while he grasped 
his firelock with the other. The rest were ac- 
coutred in similar style, excepting three graceless 
ragamuffins, who had no shirts, and but a pair and 
a half of breeches between them, wherefore they 
were sent to the black-hole, to keep them out of 
view. There is nothing in which the talents of a 
prudent commander are more completely testified 
than in thus setting matters off to the greatest 
advantage ; and it is for this reason that our 
frontier posts at the present day (that of Niagara 
for example) display their best suit of regimentals 
on the back of the sentinel who stands in sight of 
travellers. 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed — those 
who lacked muskets shouldering spades and pick- 
axes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his 
shirt-tail and pull up his brogues, General Von 
Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foaming 
ale, which, like the magnanimous More of More- 
hall *, was his invariable practice on all great 
occasions — which done, he put himself at their 
head, ordered the pine-planks, v/hich served as a 



" as soon as he rose. 

To make him strong and mighty, 

He drank by the tale, six pots of ale, 
And a quart of aqua vitae." 



A GRAND REVIEW. 353 

drawbridge, to be laid down, and issued forth 
from his castle, like a mighty giant, just refreshed 
wdth wine. But when the two heroes met, then 
began a scene of warlike parade and chivalric 
courtesy, that beggars all description. Risingh, 
who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, cunning 
politician, and had grown gray much before his 
time, in consequence of his craftiness, saw at one 
glance the ruling passion of the great Von Pof- 
fenburgh, and humoured him in all his valorous 
fantasies. 

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up 
in front of each other ; they carried arms and 
they presented arms j they gave the standing 
salute and the passing salute — ^They rolled their 
drums, they flourished their fifes, and they M^aved 
their colours — they faced to the left, and they 
faced to the right, and they faced to the right 
about — They wheeled forward, and they wheeled 
backward, and they wheeled into echellon — They 
inarched and they countermarched, by grand divi- 
sions, by single divisions, and by sub-divisions — 
by platoons, by sections, and by files — in quick 
time, in slow time, and in no time at all ; for, 
having gone through all the evolutions of two 
great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres 
of Dundas, having exhausted all that they could 
recollect or imagine of military tactics, including 
sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like 
of which were never seen before or since, except- 
ing among certain of our newly raised militia, the 

A A 



351 SURVEY OF THE FORTIFICATIONS. 

two great commanders and tlieir respective troops 
came at length to a dead halt, completely ex- 
hausted by the toils of war — Never did two valiant 
trainband captains, or two buskined theatric heroes, 
in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, 
or any other heroical and fighting tragedy, mar- 
shal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy- 
heeled myrmidons with more glory and self-ad- 
miration. 

These military compliments being finished, Ge- 
neral Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious 
visitor, with great ceremony, into the fort j at- 
tended him throughout the fortifications ; showed 
him the horn-works, crown-works, half-moons, 
and various other outworks, or rather the places 
where they ought to be erected, and where they 
might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demon- 
strating tliat it was a place of " great capability,** 
and though at present but a little redoubt, yet 
that it evidently was a formidable fortress, in 
embryo. This survey over, he next had the whole 
garrison put under arms, exercised, and reviewed ; 
and concluded by ordering the three bridewell 
birds to be hauled out of the black-hole, brought 
vip to the halberts, and soundly flogged, for the 
amusement of his visitor, and to convince him that 
he was a great disciplinarian. 

The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be 
struck dumb outright with the puissance of the 
great Von Poffenburgh, took silent note of the 
incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a 



AN AFTERNOON'S CAMPAIGN. 355 

hint to his trusty followers, who tipped each other 
the wink, and laughed most obstreperously — in 
their sleeves. 

The inspection, review, and flogging being 
concluded, the party adjourned to the table ; for 
among his other great qualities, the general was 
remarkably addicted to huge entertainments, or 
rather carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign 
would leave more dead men on the field than he 
ever did in the whole course of his military career. 
Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do still 
remain on record ; and the whole province was 
once thrown in amaze by the return of one of his 
campaigns ; wherein it was stated, that though, 
like Captain Bobadil, he had only twenty men to 
back him, yet in the short space of six months he 
had conquered and utterly annihilated sixty oxen, 
ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand 
cabbages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one 
hundred and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two 
thousand seven hundred and thirty-five pipes, 
seventy-eight pounds of sugar-plums, and forty 
bars of iron, besides sundry small meats, game, 
poultry, and garden-stuff: — an achievement un- 
paralleled since the days of Pantagruel and his all- 
devouring army, and which showed that it was 
only necessary to let belli-potent Von Poffenburgh 
and his garrison loose in an enemy's country, and 
in a little while they would breed a famine, and 
starve all the inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received 

A A 2 



356 VON POFFENBURGHS BANQUET. 

the first intimation of the visit of Governor Ri- 
singh, than he ordered a great dinner to be pre- 
pared ; and privately sent out a detachment of liis 
most experienced veterans, to rob all the hen- 
roosts in the neighbourhood, and lay the pigsties 
under contribution ; — a service to which they liad 
been long inured, and which they discharged with 
such incredible zeal and promptitude, that the 
garrison table groaned under the weight of their 
spoils. 

I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see 
the valiant Von PofFenburgh, as he presided at the 
head of the banquet; it was a sight worth beholding: 
— there lie sat, in his greatest glory, surrounded by 
his soldiers, like that famous wine-bibber, Alex- 
ander, whose thirsty virtues he did most ably 
imitate — telling astounding stories of his hair- 
breadth adventures and heroic exploits, at which, 
though all his auditors knew them to be most in- 
continent and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did 
they cast up their eyes in admiration, and utter 
many interjections of astonishment. Nor could 
the general pronounce any thing that bore the re- 
motest semblance to a joke, but the stout Risingh 
would strike his brawny fist upon the table till 
every glass rattled again, throwing himself back in 
the chair, and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, 
swearing most horribly it was the best joke he 
ever heard in his life. — Thus all was rout and 
revelry and hideous carousal within Fort Casimir, 
and so lustily did Von Poffenburgh ply the bottle, 



CAPTURE OF FORT CASIMIR. '3,57 

that in less than four short hours he made himself 
and his whole garrison, who all sedulously emu- 
lated the deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk, and 
singing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drinking 
patriotic toasts, none of which but was as long as 
a Welsh pedigree or a plea in chancery. 

No sooner did things come to this pass, tlian 
the crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cun- 
ningly kept themselves sober, rose on their en- 
tertainers, tied them neck and heels, and took 
formal possession of the fort, and all its depend- 
encies, in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden : 
administerino; at the same time an oath of alle- 
giance to all the Dutch soldiers who could be 
made sober enough to swallow it. Risingli then 
put the fortifications in order, appointed his dis- 
creet and vigilant friend Suen Scutz, a tall, wind- 
dried, water-drinking Swede, to the command, and 
departed, bearing with him this truly amiable 
garrison and their puissant commander ; who, 
when brought to himself by a sound drubbing, 
bore no little resemblance to a " deboshed fish," 
or bloated sea-monster, caught upon dry land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done to 
prevent the transmission of intelligence to New- 
Amsterdam ; for as much as the cunning Risingh 
exulted in his stratagem, he dreaded the vengeance 
of the sturdy Peter Stuy vesant ; whose name 
spread as much terror in the neighbourhood as 
did whilom that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg 
among his scurvy enemies the Turks, 



358 FEMININE QUALITIES OF FAME. 



CHAPTER II. 

Skotoing hoixi profound secrets are often brought to light ; ivith the 
proceedings of Peter the Headstrong tvlien he heard oj" the mis- 
fortunes of General Von Poffenhurgh. 

Whoever first described common fame, or ru- 
mour, as belonging to the sager sex, was a very 
owl for shrewdness. She has in truth certain 
feminine qualities to an astonishing degree ; par- 
ticularly that benevolent anxiety to take care of 
the affairs of others, which keeps her continually 
hunting after secrets, and gadding about proclaim- 
ing them. Whatever is done openly and in the 
face of the world, she takes but transient notice 
of; but whenever a transaction is done in a corner, 
and attempted to be shrouded in mystery, then 
her goddess-ship is at her wit's end to find it out, 
and takes a most mischievous and lady-like plea- 
sure in publishing it to the world. 

It is this truly feminine propensity that induces 
her continually to be prying into cabinets of 
princes, listening at the key -holes of senate cham- 
bers, and peering through chinks and crannies, 
when our worthy Congress are sitting with closed 
doors, deliberating between a dozen excellent 
modes of ruining the nation. It is this which 
makes her so obnoxious to all wary statesmen and 



HISTORY OF DIRK SCHUILER. 359 

intriguing commanders — such a stumbling-block 
to private negotiations and secret expeditions ; 
which she often betrays by means and instruments 
which never would have been thought of by any 
but a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort 
Casimir. No doubt the cunning Risingh imagined, 
tliat by securing the garrison he should for a long- 
time prevent the history of its fate from reaching 
the ears of the gallant Stuyvesant ; but his exploit 
was blown to the world Avhen he least expected it, 
and by one of the last beings he would ever have 
suspected of enlisting as trumpeter to the wide- 
mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind 
of hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to belong- 
to nobody, and in a manner to be self-outlawed. 
He was one of those vagabond cosmopolites who 
shark about the world, as if they had no right or 
business in it, and who infest the skirts of society 
like poachers and interlopers. Every garrison 
and country village has one or more scape-goats 
of this kind, whose life is a kind of enigma, whose 
existence is without motive, who comes from the 
Lord knows where, who lives the Lord knows 
how, and seems to be made for no other earthly 
purpose but to keep up the ancient and honourable 
order of idleness. — This vagrant philosopher was 
supposed to have some Indian blood in his veins, 
which was manifested by a certain Indian com- 
plexion and cast of countenance ; but more espe- 



360 FAMILIARLY TERMED GALLOWS DIRK. 

cially by his propensities and habits. He was a 
tall, lank fellow, swift of foot, and long-winded. 
He was generally equipped in a half Indian dress, 
with belt, leggings, and moccasons. His hair 
hung in straight gallows locks about his ears, and 
added not a little to his sharking demeanour. It 
is an old remark, that persons of Indian mixture 
are half civilized, half savage, and half devil — a 
third half being expressly provided for their par- 
ticular convenience. It is for similar reasons, 
and probably with equal truth, that the back-wood- 
men of Kentucky are styled half man, half horse, 
and half alligator, by the settlers on the Mississippi, 
and held accordingly in great respect and abhor- 
rence. 

The above character may have presented itself 
to the garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, 
whom they familiarly dubbed Gallows Dirk. Cer- 
tain it is, he acknowledged allegiance to no one — 
was an utter enemy to work, holding it in no 
manner of estimation — but lounged about the fort, 
depending upon chance for a subsistence, getting 
drunk whenever he could get liquor, and stealing 
whatever he could lay his hands on. Every day 
or two he was sure to get a sound rib-roasting for 
some of his misdemeanours, which, however, as it 
broke no bones, he made very light of, and scrupled 
not to repeat the offence whenever another oppor- 
tunity presented. Sometimes, in consequence of 
some flagrant villany, he would abscond from the 
garrison, and be absent for a month at a time ; 



HIS MANNER OF LIFE. 



361 



skulking about the woods and swamps, with a long 
fowling-piece on his shoulder, lying in ambush 
for game — or squatting himself down on the edge 
of a pond catching fish for hours together, and 
bearing no little resemblance to that notable bird 
ycleped the Mud-poke. When he thought his 
crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he would 
sneak back to the fort with a bundle of skins, or 
a bunch of poultry, which perchance he had stolen, 
and would exchange them for liquor, with which 
having well soaked his carcass, he would lie in 
the sun and enjoy all the luxurious indolence of 
that swinish philosopher Diogenes. He was the 
terror of all the farm-yards in the country, into 
which he made fearful inroads ; and sometimes he 
would make his sudden appearance at the garrison 
at daybreak, with tlie whole neighbourhood at his 
heels, like a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in 
his maraudings and hunted to his hole. Such was 
this Dirk Schuiler ; and from the total indifference 
he showed to the world or its concerns, and from 
his truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one 
would ever have dreamt that he would have been 
the publisher of the treachery of Risingh. 

When the carousal was going on, which proved 
so fatal to the brave Von PofFenburgh and his 
watchful garrison. Dirk skulked about from room 
to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or 
useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But though 
a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn peo- 
ple, his eyes and ears were always open, and in 



3GQ 



HIS FLIGHT TO NEW-AMSTERDAM, 



the course of his prowlings he overheard the whole 
plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in 
his own mind how he should turn the matter to 
his own advantage. He played the perfect jack- 
of-both-sides — that is to say, he made a prize of 
every thing that came in his reach, robbed both 
parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked hat of the 
puissant Von Poifenburgh on his head, whipped a 
huge pair of Risingh's jack -boots under his arms, 
and took to his heels, just before the catastrophe 
and confusion at the garrison. 

Finding himself completely dislodged from his 
haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight to- 
wards his native place, New-Amsterdam, from 
whence he had formerly been obliged to abscond 
precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in 
business — that is to say, having been detected in 
the act of sheep-stealing. After wandering many 
days in the woods, toiling through swamps, ford- 
ing brooks, swimming various rivers, and en- 
countering a world of hardships that would have 
killed any other being but an Indian, a back- 
wood-man, or the devil, he at length arri\'ed, half 
famished, and lank as a starved weasel, at Com- 
munipaw, where he stole a canoe, and paddled 
over to New-Amsterdam. Immediately on land- 
ing, he repaired to Governor Stuyvesant, and in 
more words than he had ever spoken before in the 
whole course of his life, gave an account of the 
disastrous affair. 

On receiving these direi'ul tidings, the valiant 



PETER PREPARES FOR ACTION. 36S 

Peter started from his seat — dashed the pipe he 
was smoking against the back of the chimney — 
thrust a prodigious quid of tobacco into his left 
cheek — pulled up his galligaskins, and strode up 
and down the room, humming, as was customary 
with him when in a passion, a hideous north-west 
ditty. But, as I have before shown, he was not 
a man to vent his spleen in idle vapouring. His 
first measure, after the paroxysm of wrath had 
subsided, was to stump up stairs to a huge wooden 
chest, which served as his armoury, from whence 
he drew forth that identical suit of regimentals 
described in the preceding chapter. In these 
portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, like 
Achilles in the armour of Vulcan, maintaining all 
the while a most appalling silence, knitting his 
brows, and drawing his breath through his clinched 
teeth. Being hastily equipped, he strode down 
into the parlour, jerked down his trusty sword 
from over the fireplace, w^here it was usually sus- 
pended ; but before he girded it on his thigh, he 
drew it from its scabbard, and as his eye coursed 
along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his 
iron visage — Itwaslhe first smile that had visited 
his countenance for five long weeks ; but every one 
who beheld it prophesied that there would soon 
be warm work in the province ! 

Thus armed at all points, with grisly war de- 
picted in each feature, his very cocked hat assum- 
ing an air of uncommon defiance, he instantly put 
himself upon the alert, and despatched Antony 



364 



HE SUMMONS A COUNCIL. 



Van Corlear hither and thither, this way and that 
way, through all the muddy streets and crooked 
lanes of the city, summoning by sound of trumpet 
his trusty peers to assemble in instant council. — 
This done, by way of expediting matters, accord- 
ing to the custom of })eople in a hurry, he kept in 
continual bustle, shifting from chair to chair, 
popping his head out of every window, and stump- 
ing up and down stairs with his wooden leg in 
such brisk and^ incessant motion, that, as we are 
informed by an authentic historian of the times, 
the continual clatter bore no small resemblance to 
the music of a cooper hooping a flour-barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of 
the governor's mettle, was not to be trifled with : 
the sages forthwith repaired to the council cham- 
ber, seated themselves with the utmost tranquil- 
lity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed with un- 
ruffled composure on his excellency and his regi- 
mentals ; being, as all counsellors should be, not 
easily flustered, or taken by surprise. The go- 
vernor, looking around for a moment with a lofty 
and soldierlike air, and resting one hand on the 
pummel of his sword, and flinging the other forth 
in a free and spirited manner, addressed them in 
a short but soul-stirring harangue. 

I am extremely sorry that I have not the 
advantages of Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and 
others of my predecessors, who were furnished, as 
I am told, with the speeches of all their great em- 
perors, generals, and orators, taken down in short- 



THEY RESOLVE ON WAR. 



365 



hand by the most accurate stenographers of the 
time ; whereby they were enabled wonderfully to 
enrich their histories, and delight their readers 
with sublime strains of eloquence. Not having 
such important auxiliaries, I cannot possibly pro- 
nounce what was the tenor of Governor Stuy- 
vesant's speech. I am bold, however, to say, 
from the tenor of his character, that he did not 
wrap his rugged subject in silks and ermines, and 
other sickly trickeries of phrase ; but spoke forth 
like a man of nerve and vigour, who scorned to 
shrink in words from those dangers which he stood 
ready to encounter in very deed. This much is 
certain, that he concluded by announcing his de- 
termination of leading on his troops in person, 
and routing these costardmonger Swedes from 
their usurped quarters at Fort Casimir. To this 
liardy resolution, such of his council as were awake 
gave their usual signal of concurrence; and as to 
the rest, who had fallen asleep about the middle 
of the harangue (their " usual custom in the 
afternoon"), they made not the least objection. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New- Am- 
sterdam a prodigious bustle and preparation for 
iron war. Recruiting parties marched hither and 
thither, calling lustily upon all the scrubs, the 
runagates, and tatterdemalions of the Manhattoes 
and its \ icinity, who had any ambition of six-pence 
a day, and immortal fame into the bargain, to en- 
list in the cause of glory : — for I would have you 
note that your warlike lieroes who trudge in the 



366 PETER ASCENDS THE HUDSON. 

rear of conquerors are generally of that illustrious 
class of gentlemen, who are equal candidates for 
the army or the bridewell — the halberts or the 
whipping-post — for whom dame Fortune has cast 
an even die, whether they shall make their exit 
by the sword or the halter — and whose deaths 
shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their 
countrymen. 

But notwithstanding all this martial rout and 
invitation, the ranks of honour were but scantily 
supplied ; so averse were the peaceful burghers of 
New-Amsterdam from enlisting in foreign broils, 
or stirring beyond that home, which rounded all 
their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, the great 
Peter, whose noble heart was all on fire with war 
and sweet revenge, determined to wait no longer 
for the tardy assistance of these oily citizens, but 
to muster up his merry men of the Hudson, who, 
brought up among woods, and wilds, and savage 
beasts, like our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in 
nothing so much as desperate adventures and pe- 
rilous expeditions through the wilderness. Thus 
resolving, he ordered his trusty squire Antony 
Van Corlear to have his state galley prepared and 
duly victualled ; w^hicli being performed, he at- 
tended public service at the great church of St. 
Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then 
leaving peremptory orders with his council to have 
the chivalry of the Manhattoes marshalled out and 
appointed against his return, departed upon his 
recruiting voyage, up the waters of the Hudson. 



DESCRIPTION OF HIS GALLEY. 36j 



CHAPTER III. 

Co)ilainmg Peter Stiij/vcsanfs voyage iq) the Hudson, and the 
xvonders and delights of that renowned river. 

Now did the soft breezes of the south steal 
sweetly over the beauteous face of nature, temper- 
ing the panting heats of summer into genial and 
prolific warmth ; when that miracle of hardihood 
and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter Stuyve- 
sant, spread his canvas to the wind, and departed 
from the fair island of Mannahata. The galley in 
which he embarked was sumptuously adorned with 
pendants and streamers of gorgeous dyes, which 
fluttered gaily in the wind, or drooped their ends 
in the bosom of the stream. The bow and poop 
of this majestic vessel were gallantly bedight, after 
the rarest Dutch fashion, with figures of little 
pursy Cupids with periwigs on their heads, and 
bearing in their hands garlands of flowers, the like 
of which are not to be found in any book of botany ; 
being the matchless flowers which flourished in the 
golden age, and exist no longer, unless it be in 
the imaginations of ingenious carvers of wood 
and discolourers of canvas. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state 
of the puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did 
the galley of Peter Stuyvesant launch forth upon 



368 



VOYAGE UP THE HUDSON". 



the bosom of the lordly Hudson, which, as it rolled 
its broad waves to the ocean, seemed to pause for 
a while and swell with pride, as if conscious of the 
illustrious burthen it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene 
presented to the contemplation of the crew from 
that which may be witnessed at this degenerate 
day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned on the 
borders of this mighty river — the hand of cultiva- 
tion had not as yet laid low the dark forests, and 
tamed the featuies of the landscape — nor had the 
frequent sail of commerce yet broken in upon the 
profound and awful solitude of ages. Here and 
there might be seen a rude wigwam perched among 
the cliffs of the mountains, with its curling column 
of smoke mounting in the transparent atmosphere — 
but so loftily situated that the whoopings of the 
savage children, gamboling on the margin of the 
dizzy heights, fell almost as faintly on the ear as 
do the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure 
vault of heaven. Now and then, from the beetling 
brow of some rocky precipice, the wild deer w^ould 
look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as 
it passed below ; and then, tossing his branching 
antlers in the air, would bound away into the 
thickets of the forest. 

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of 
Peter Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt the 
bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, which spring 
up like everlasting walls, reaching from the waves 
unto the heavens ; and were fashioned, if tradition 



DELIGHTFUL SCENERY. Si69 

may be believed, in times long past, by the mighty 
spirit Manetlio, to protect his favourite abodes 
from the unhallowed eyes of mortals. Now did 
they career it gaily across the vast expanse of Tap- 
pan Bay, whose wide extended shores present a 
vast variety of delectable scenery — here the bold 
promontory, crowned with embowering trees, ad- 
vancing into the bay — there the long woodland 
slope, sweeping up from the shore in rich luxu- 
riance, and terminating in the upland precipice — 
while at a distance a long waving line of rocky 
heights threw their gigantic shades across the 
water. Now would they pass where some modest 
little interval, opening among these stupendous 
scenes, yet retreating as it were for protection 
into the embraces of the neighbouring mountains, 
displayed a rural paradise, fraught with sweet 
and pastoral beauties ; the velvet-tufted lawn — the 
bushy copse — the tinkling rivulet, stealing through 
the fresh and vivid verdure — on whose banks was 
situated some little Indian village, or, peradven- 
ture, the rude cabin of some solitary hunter. 

The different periods of the revolving day seemed 
each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a different 
charm over the scene. Now would the jovial sun 
break gloriously from the east, blazing from the 
summits of the hills, and sparkling the landscape 
with a thousand dewy gems ; while along the 
borders of the river w^ere seen heavy masses of 
mist, which, like midnight caitiffs, disturbed at his 
approach, made a sluggish retreat, rolling in sullen 

B B 



370 



GRANDEUR OF SUNSET, 



reluctance up the mountains. At such times all 
was brightness, and life, and gaiety-— the atmo- 
sphere seemed of an indescribable pureness and 
transparency — the birds broke forth in wanton 
madrigals, and the freshening breezes wafted the 
vessel merrily on her course. But when the sun 
sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, mantling 
the heavens and the earth with a thousand gor- 
geous dyes — ^then all was calm, and silent, and 
magnificent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly 
against the mast — the seaman, with folded arms, 
leaned against the shrouds, lost in that involuntary 
musing which the sober grandeur of nature com- 
mands in the rudest of her children. The vast 
bosom of the Hudson was like an imruffled mirror, 
reflecting the golden splendour of the heavens, 
excepting that now and then a bark canoe would 
steal across its surface, filled with painted savages, 
whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance 
a lingering ray of the setting sun gleamed upon 
them from the western mountains. 

But when the hour of twilight spread its magic 
mists around, then did the face of nature assume 
a thousand fugitive charms, which to the worthy 
lieart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious works 
of its Maker are inexpressibly captivating. The 
mellow dubious light that prevailed just served 
to tinge with illusive colours the softened fea- 
tures of the scenery. The deceived but delighted 
eye sought vainly to discern in the broad masses 
of shade, the separating line between the land 



A TWILIGHT SCENE. 37 1 

and water ; or to distinguish the fading objects 
that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did the 
busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, pro- 
ducing with industrious craft a fairy creation of 
her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks 
frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance 
of lofty towers, and high embattled castles — trees 
assumed the direful forms of mighty giants, and 
the inaccessible summits of the mountains seemed 
peopled with a thousand shadowy beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of 
an innumerable variety of insects, which filled the 
air with a strange but not inharmonious concert 
— while ever and anon was heard the melancholy 
plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who, perched on some 
lone tree, wearied the ear of night with his inces- 
sant moanings. The mind, soothed into a hal- 
lowed melancholy, listened with pensive stillness 
to catch and distinguish each sound that vaguely 
echoed from the shore — now and then startled 
perchance by the whoop of some straggling savage 
or the dreary howl of a wolf, stealing forth upon 
his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course, 
until they entered upon those awful defiles deno- 
minated THE HIGHLANDS, whcrc it would sccm 
that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their 
impious war with heaven, piling up cliffs on cliffs, 
and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. 
But in sooth very different is the history of these 
cloud-capt mountains. — These in ancient days, 

B B 2 



37^ ANCIENT LEGENDS. 

before the Hudson poured his waters from the 
lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose 
rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined 
the rebelhous spirits who repined at his control. 
Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in 
rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they 
groaned for many an age. — At length the con- 
quering Hudson, in his irresistible career towards 
the ocean, burst open their prison-house, rolling 
his tide triumphantly through its stupendous 
ruins. 

StilJ, however, do many of them lurk about 
their old abodes ; and these it is, according to 
venerable legends, that cause the echoes which 
resound throughout these awful solitudes ; which 
are nothing but their angry clamours when any 
noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. — 
For when the elements are agitated by tempest, 
when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, 
then horrible is the yelling and howling of these 
troubled spirits, making the mountains to re- 
bellow with their hideous uproar ; for at such 
times it is said, that they think the great Mane- 
tho is returning once more to plunge them in 
gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable cap- 
tivity. 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost 
upon the gallant Stuyvesant ; naught occupied 
his mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud 
anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did 
his honest crew trouble their vacant heads with 



PUNISHMENT OF BRIMSTONES. 373 

any romantic speculations of the kind. The pilot 
at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of 
nothing either past, present, or to come — those of 
his comrades who were not industriously snoring 
under the hatches were listening with open mouths 
to Antony Van Corlear ; who, seated on the wind- 
lass, was relating to them the marvellous history 
of those myriads of fire-flies, that sparkled like 
gems and spangles upon the dusky robe of night. 
These, according to tradition, were originally 
a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, who 
peopled these parts long before the memory of 
man ; being of that abominated race emphatically 
called brimstones ; and who for their innumerable 
sins against the children of men, and to furnish 
an awful warning to the beauteous sex, were 
doomed to infest the earth in the shape of these 
threatening and terrible little bugs ; endurmg the 
internal torments of that fire, which they formerly 
carried in their hearts and breathed forth in their 
words ; but now are sentenced to bear about for 
ever — in their tails ! 

And now am I going to tell a fact, which I 
doubt much my readers will hesitate to believe ; 
but if they do, they are welcome not to believe 
a word in this whole history — for nothing which it 
contains is more true. It must be known then 
that the nose of Antony the trumpeter was of a 
very lusty size, strutting boldly from his counte- 
nance like a mountain of Golconda ; being sump- 



374 VAN CORLEAR KILLS A STURGEON 

tuously bedecked with rubies and other precious 
stones — the true regalia of a king of good fellows, 
which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it 
heartily at the flagon. Now thus it happened, 
that bright and early in the morning, the good 
Antony, having washed his burly visage, was 
leaning over the quarter railing of the galley, 
contemplating it in the glassy wave below — just 
at this moment the illustrious sun, breaking in all 
his splendour from behind one of the high bluffs of 
the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent beams 
full upon the refulgentnose of the sounder of brass 
— the reflection of which shot straightway down, 
hissing hot, into the water, and killed a mighty 
sturgeon that was sporting beside the vessel ! This 
huge monster being with infinite labour hoisted 
on board, furnished a luxurious repast to all the 
crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, ex- 
cepting about the wound, where it smacked a little 
of brimstone — and this, on my veracity, was the 
first time that ever sturgeon was eaten in these 
parts by Christian people*. 

When this astonishing miracle came to be made 
known to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of 
the unknown fish, he, as may well be supposed, 



* The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country 
about Albany in a letter which was written some time after the 
settlement thereof, says, " There is in the river great plenty of 
sturgeon, which we Christians do not make use of; but the 
Indians eat them greedilie." 



BY THE REFLECTION OF HIS NOSE. 375 

marvelled exceedingly; and as a monument there- 
of, he gave the name of Anthony* s Nose to a stout 
promontory in the neighbourhood — and it has con- 
tinued to be called Anthony's Nose ever since that 
time. 

But hold : Whither am I wandering ? By the 
mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter 
Stuyvesant on this voyage, I shall never make 
an end ; for never was there a voyage so fraught 
with marvellous incidents, nor a river so abounding 
with- transcendent beauties, worthy of being se- 
verally recorded. Even now I have it on the 
point of my pen to relate how his crew were most 
horribly frightened, on going on shore above the 
highlands, by a gang of merry roistering devils, 
frisking and curvetting on a huge flat rock, which 
projected into the river — and which is called the 
DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very day — But no ! 
Diedrich Knickerbocker — it becomes thee not to 
idle thus in thy historic wayfaring. 

Recollect that while dwelling with the fond 
garrulity of age over these fairy scenes, endeared 
to thee by the recollections of thy youth, and the 
charms of a thousand legendary tales which be- 
guiled the simple ear of thy childhood ; recollect 
that thou art trifling with those fleeting moments 
which should be devoted to loftier themes. — Is 
not time — relentless time ! — shaking, with palsied 
hand, his almost exhausted hourglass before thee ? 
— ^hasten then to pursue thy weary task, lest the 



376 PETER IN THE CARE OF ST. NICHOLAS. 

last sands be run ere thou hast finished thy history 
of the Manhattoes. 

Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his 
brave galley and his loyal crew, to the protection 
of the blessed St. Nicholas ; who, I have no doubt, 
will prosper him in his voyage, while we await his 
return at the great city of New- Amsterdam. 



WARRIORS COMPOSING THE GRAND ARMY. 377 



CHAPTER IV. 

Describing the poxoerful army that assembled at the city of Neiv- 
Amsterdam — together ivith the interview betiveen Peter the 
Headstrong and General Von Pqffenburgh, and Peter*s senti- 
ments touching unfortunate great men. 

While thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, 
with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hud- 
son, and arousing all the phlegmatic little Dutch 
settlements upon its borders, a great and puissant 
concourse of warriors was assembling at the city 
of New- Amsterdam. And here that invaluable 
fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, 
is more than commonly particular ; by which 
means I am enabled to record the illustrious host 
that encamped itself in the public square in front 
of the fort, at present denominated the Bowling 
Green. 

In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the 
men of battle of the Manhattoes, who being the 
inmates of the metropolis, composed the life guards 
of the governor. These were commanded by the 
valiant Stoffel Brink erhoof, who whilom had ac- 
quired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay — they 
displayed as a standard a beaver rampant on a 
field of orange; being the arms of the province, 



378 THE HEAVY BRIGADE. 

and denoting the persevering industry and the 
amphibious origin of the Nederlanders*. 

On their right hand might be seen the vassals 
of that renowned Mynheer, Michael Pawt, who 
lorded it over the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, 
and the lands away south, even unto the Navesink 
mountains t, and was moreover patroon of Gibbet- 
Island. His standard was borne by his trusty 
squire, Cornelius Van Vorst ; consisting of a huge 
oyster recumbent upon a sea-green field ; being the 
armorial bearings of his favourite metropolis, Com- 
munipaw. He brought to the camp a stout force 
of warriors, heavily armed, being each clad in ten 
pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, and overshadowed 
by broad-brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted 
in their hatbands. These were the men who vege- 
tated in the mud along the shores of Pavonia ; 



• This was likewise the great seal of the New-Netherlands, 
as may still be seen in ancient records. 

-j- Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS. I have found 
mention made of this illustrious Patroon in another manuscript, 
which says : " De Heer (or the squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch 
subject, about 10th Aug. 1630, by deed purchased Staten- 
Island. N. B. The same Michael Paw had what the Dutch call 
a colonic at Pavonia, on the Jersey shore, opposite New- York, 
and his overseer in 1636 was named Corns. Van Vorst — a 
person of the same name in 1769, owned Pawles Hook, and a 
large farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van 
Vorst." 

X So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited 
these parts — at present they are erroneously denominated the 
Neversink, or Neversunk mountains. 



THE SUY DAMS AND VAN DAMS. ^79 

being of the race of genuine copperheads, and were 
fabled to have sprung from oysters. 

At a little distance was encamped the tribe 
of warriors who came from the neighbourhood 
of Hell-Gate. These were commanded by the 
Suy Dams, and the Van Dams, incontinent hard 
swearers, as their names betoken — they were ter- 
rible looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaber- 
dines, of that curious coloured cloth called thunder 
and lightning — and bore as a standard three Devil's 
darning-needles, volant, in a flame-coloured field. 

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from 
the marshy borders of the Waale-Boght * and the 
country thereabouts — these were of a sour aspect, 
by reason that they lived on crabs, which abound 
in these parts. They were the first institutors of 
that honourable order of knighthood, called Fli/ 
market shirks, and if tradition speak true, did like- 
wise introduce the far-famed step in dancing, 
called " double trouble." They were commanded 
by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had, 
moreover, a jolly band of Breuckelen "j" ferry-men, 
who performed a brave concerto on conch shells. 

But I refrain from pursuing this minute de- 
scription, which goes on to describe the warriors 
of Bloemen dael, and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, 
and sundry other places, well known in history 

* Since corrupted into the Wallahout ; the bay where the 
Navy Yard is situated, 
f Now spelt Brooklyn. 



380 VAN BUMMELS, VAN VLOTENS, AND VAN PELTS. 

and song — for now does the sound of martial music 
alarm the people of New- Amsterdam, sounding 
afar from beyond the walls of the city. But this 
alarm was in a little while relieved, for lo, from 
the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they recognised 
the brimstone-coloured breeches and splendid 
silver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in the sun- 
beams ; and beheld him approaching at the head 
of a formidable army, which he had mustered along 
the banks of the Hudson. And here the excellent 
but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant manu- 
script breaks out into a brave and glorious de- 
scription of the forces, as they defiled through the 
principal gate of the city, that stood by the head 
of Wall-street. 

First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit 
the pleasant borders of the Bronx : these were 
short fat men, wearing exceeding large trunk 
breeches, and are renowned for feats of the trencher 
— they were the first inventors of suppawn or mush 
and milk. — Close in their rear marched the Van 
Vlotens, of Kaats kill, most horrible quaffers of 
new cyder, and arrant braggarts in their liquor. — 
After them came the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, 
dexterous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch- 
tailed steeds of the Esopus breed — these were 
mighty hunters of minks and musk rats, whence 
came the word Peltri/. — Then the Van Nests of 
Kinderhoeck, valiant robbers of birds' nests, as 
their name denotes ; to these, if report may be 
believed, are we indebted for the invention of slap 



VAN HIGGINBOTTOMS. AND VAN BUNSCHOTENS. 381 

jacks, or buck-wheat cakes. — Then the Van Hig- 
ginbottoms, of Wapping's creek; these came armed 
with ferules and birchen rods, being a race of 
schoohnasters, who first discovered the marvellous 
sympathy between the seat of honour and the seat 
of intellect — and that the shortest way to get 
knowledge into the head was to hammer it into 
the bottom. — Then the Van Grolls, of Anthony's 
Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round little 
pottles, by reason they could not bouse it out of 
their canteens, having such rare long noses. — Then 
theGardeniers, of Hudson and thereabouts, distin- 
guished by many triumphant feats, such as robbing 
water-melon patches, smoking rabbits out of their 
holes, and the like ; and by being great lovers of 
roasted pigs' tails ; these were the ancestors of the 
renowned congress-man of that name. — Then the 
Van Hoesens, of Sinr;- Sing, great choristers and 
players upon the jews harp ; these marched two 
and two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas. — 
Then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow ; these 
gave birth to a jolly race of publicans, who first 
discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a quart 
of wine into a pint bottle. — ^Then the Van Kort- 
landts, who lived on the wild banks of the Croton, 
and were great killers of wild ducks, being much 
spoken of for their skill in shooting with the long 
bow. — Then the Van Bunschotens, of Nyack and 
Kakiat, who were the first that did ever kick with 
the left foot ; they were gallant bush-whackers 
and hunters of racoons by moonlight. — Then the 



382 VAN WINKLES AND KNICKERBOCKERS. 

Van Winkles, of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, 
and noted for running of horses, and running up 
of scores at taverns ; they were the first that ever 
winked with both eyes at once. — Lastly came the 
Knickerbockers, of the great town of Scaghtikoke, 
where the folk lay stones upon the houses in windy 
weather, lest they should be blown away. These 
derive their name, as some say, from Kiiicher, to 
shake, and Bekei\ a goblet, indicating thereby 
that they were sturdy toss-pots of yore ; but, in 
truth, it was derived from Knicker^ to nod, and 
BoekeUy books ; plainly meaning that they were 
great nodders or dozers over books — from them 
did descend the writer of this history. 

Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that 
poured in at the grand gate of New- Amsterdam ; 
the Stuyvesant manuscript indeed speaks of many 
more, whose names I omit to mention, seeing that 
it behoves me to hasten to matters of greater mo- 
ment. Nothing could surpass the joy and martial 
pride of the lion-hearted Peter as he reviewed this 
mighty host of warriors, and he determined no 
longer to defer the gratification of his much wished 
for revenge, upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort 
Casimir. 

But before I hasten to record those unmatchable 
events, which will be found in the sequel of this 
faithful history, let me pause to notice the fate of 
Jacobus Von PofFenburgh, the discomfited com- 
mander-in-chief of the armies of the New-Nether- 
lands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness of 



RETURN OF VON POFFENBURGH. 



383 



human nature, that scarcely did the news become 
pubhc of his deplorable discomfiture at Fort Ca- 
simir, than a thousand scurvy rumours were set 
afloat in New-Amsterdam, wherein it was in- 
sinuated, that he had in reality a treacherous un- 
derstanding with the Swedish commander ; that he 
had long been in the practice of privately commu- 
nicating with the Swedes ; together with divers 
hints about " secret service money." — To all which 
deadly charges I do not give a jot more credit than 
I think they deserve. 

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his 
character by the most vehement oaths and pro- 
testations, and put every man out of the ranks of 
honour who dared to doubt his integrity. More- 
over, on returning to New- Amsterdam, he paraded 
up and down the streets with a crew of hard 
swearers at his heels — sturdy bottle companions, 
whom he gorged and fattened, and who were ready 
to bolster him through all the courts of justice — 
Heroes of his own kidney, fierce-whiskered, broad- 
shouldered, colbrand-looking swaggerers — not one 
of whom but looked as though he could eat up an 
ox, and pick his teeth with the horns. These life- 
guard men quarrelled all his quarrels, were ready 
to fight all his battles, and scowled at every man 
that turned up his nose at the general, as though 
they would devour him alive. Their conversation 
was interspersed with oaths like minute-guns, and 
every bombastic rhodomontado was rounded off by 
a thundering execration, like a patriotic toast ho- 
noured with a discharge of artillery. 



384 PETER'S ADVICE TO HIM. 

All these valorous vapourings bad a considerable 
effect in convincing certain profound sages, many 
of whom began to think the general a hero of un- 
utterable loftiness and magnanimity of soul, par- 
ticularly as he was continually protesting on the 
honour of a soldier — a marvellously high sound- 
ing asseveration. Nay, one o'fthe members of the 
council went so far as to propose they should im- 
mortalize him by an imperishable statue of plaster 
of Paris. 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not 
thus to be deceived — Sending privately for the com- 
mander in chief of all the armies, and having heard 
all his story, garnished with the customary pious 
oaths, protestations, and ejaculations — " Harkee, 
comrade," cried he, *' though by your own ac- 
count you are the most brave, upright, and ho- 
nourable man in the whole province, yet do you 
lie under the misfortune of being damnably tra- 
duced, and immeasurably despised. Now though 
it is certainly hard to punish a man for his mis- 
fortunes, and though it is very possible you are 
totally innocent of the crimes laid to your charge, 
yet as heaven, at present, doubtless for some wise 
purpose, sees fit to withhold all proofs of your in- 
nocence, far be it from me to counteract its so- 
vereign will. Beside, I cannot consent to venture 
my armies with a commander whom they despise, 
or to trust the welfare of my people to a champion 
whom they distrust. Retire therefore, my friend, 
from the irksome toils and cares of public life. 



A CONCLUSIVE HINT 38.5 

with this comforting reflection — that if guilty, you 
are but enjoying your just reward — and if innocent, 
you are not the first great and good man who has 
most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in 
this wicked world — doubtless to be better treated 
in a better world, where there shall be neither 
error, calumny, nor persecution. — In the mean 
time let me never see your face again, for I have 
a horrible antipathy to the countenances of un- 
fortunate great men like yourself.'* 



c c 



386 THE AUTHOR'S INGENUOUS 



CHAPTER V. 

In ivhich the Author discourses very ingcmiousJij of himself. — 
After tvhich is to be found much interesting history about Peter 
the Headstrong and hisfollotvers. 

As my readers and myself are about entering 
on as many perils as ever a confederacy of meddle- 
some knights-errant wilfully ran their heads into, 
it is meet that, like those hardy adventurers, we 
should join hands, bury all differences, and swear 
to stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the 
end of the enterprise. My readers must doubtless 
perceive how completely I have altered my tone 
and deportment since we first set out together. 
I warrant they then thought me a crabbed, cy- 
nical, impertinent little son of a Dutchman ; for I 
scarcely ever gave them a civil word, nor so much 
as touched my beaver, when I had occasion to ad- 
dress them. But as we jogged along together in 
the high road of my history, I gradually began to 
relax, to grow more courteous, and occasionally 
to enter into familiar discourse, until at length I 
came to conceive a most social, companionable 
kind of regard for them. This is just my way — 
I am always a little cold and reserved at first, par- 
ticularly to people whom I neither know nor 
care for, and am only to be completely won by 
long intimacy. 



DISCOURSE OF HIMSELF. 387 

Besides, why should I have been sociable to the 
crowd of how-d'ye-do acquaintances that ftocked 
around me at my first appearance? Many were 
merely attracted by a new face ; and having stared 
me full in the title-page, walked off without saying 
a word ; while others lingered yawningly through 
the preface, and, having gratified their short lived 
curiosity, soon dropped off one by one. But, more 
especially to try their mettle, I had recourse to an 
expedient, similar to one which we are told was 
used by that peerless flower of chivalry, king 
Arthur ; who, before he admitted any knight to 
his intimacy, first required that he should show 
himself superior to danger or hardships, by en- 
countering unheard-of mishaps, slaying some 
dozen giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters, not 
to say a word of dwarfs, hippogriffs, and fiery 
dragons. On a similar principle, I cunningly 
led my readers, at the first sally, into two or three 
knotty chapters, where they were most wofully 
belaboured and buffeted, by a host of pagan phi- 
losophers and infidel writers. Though naturally 
a very grave man, yet could I scarce refrain from 
smiling outright at seeing the utter confusion and 
dismay of my valiant cavaliers — some dropped 
down dead (asleep) on the field ; others threw 
down my book in the middle of the first chapter, 
took to their heels, and never ceased scampering 
until they had fairly run it out of sight ; when 
they stopped to take breath, to tell their friends 
what troubles tlicy had undergone, and to warn 

c c 2 



388 VAN CORLEAR'S TRUMPET SOUNDS. 

all others from venturing on so thankless an ex- 
pedition. Every page thinned my ranks more and 
more ; and of the vast multitude that first set out, 
but a comparatively few made shift to survive, in 
exceedingly battered condition, through the five 
introductory chapters. 

What, then ! would you have had me take such 
sunshine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom at 
our first acquaintance ? No — no ; I reserved my 
friendship for those who deserved it, for those 
who undauntedly bore me company, in despite of 
difficulties, dangers, and fatigues. And now, as 
to those who adhere to me at present, I take them 
aflt'ectionately by the hand — Worthy and thrice- 
beloved readers ! brave and well-tried comrades ! 
who have faithfully followed my footsteps through 
all my wanderings — I salute you from my heart — 
I pledge myself to stand by you to the last ; and 
to conduct you (so Heaven speed this trusty 
weapon which I now hold between my fingers) 
triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous 
undertaking. 

But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city 
of New- Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of 
warriors encamped in the Bowling Green are 
striking their tents ; the brazen trumpet of An- 
tony Van Corlear makes the welkin to resound 
with portentous clangour — the drums beat — the 
standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, and of 
Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. And now 
behold where the mariners are busily employed, 



THE EXPEDITION SAILS. o8\) 

hoisting the sails of yon topsail schooner, and 
those clump-built sloops, which are to waft the 
army of the Nederlanders to gather immortal ho- 
nours on the Delaware ! 

The entire population of the city, man, woman, 
and child, turned out to behold the chivalry of 
New-Amsterdam, as it paraded the streets pre- 
vious to embarkation. Many a handkerchief was 
waved out of the windows ; many a fair nose was 
blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful oc- 
casion. The grief of the fair dames and beauteous 
damsels of Grenada could not have been more 
vociferous on the banishment of the gallant tribe 
of Abencerrages, than was that of the kind- 
hearted fair ones of New- Amsterdam on the de- 
parture of their intrepid warriors. Every love- 
sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her 
hero with gingerbread and dough-nuts — many a 
copper ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence 
broken, in pledge of eternal constancy — and there 
remain extant to this day some love verses written 
on that occasion, sufficiently crabbed and incom- 
prehensible to confound the whole universe. 

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom 
lasses, how they hung about the doughty Antony 
Van Corlear — for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty 
bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a desperate 
rogue among the women. Fain would they have 
kept him to comfort them while the army was 
away j for besides what I have said of him, it is no 
more than justice to add, that he was a kind- 



390 POPULARITY OF PETER. 

hearted soul, noted for his benevolent attentions 
in comforting disconsolate wives during the ab- 
sence of their husbands — and this made him to be 
very much regarded b}^ the honest burghers of the 
city. But nothing could keep the valiant Antony 
from following the heels of the old governor, 
whom he loved as he did his very soul — so em- 
bracing all the young vrouws, and giving every 
one of them that had good teeth and rosy lips a 
dozen hearty smacks, he departed loaded with 
their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter 
among the least causes of public distress. Though 
the old governor was by no means indulgent to 
the follies and waywardness of his subjects, yet 
somehow or other he had become strangely po- 
pular among the people. There is something so 
captivating in personal bravery, that, with the 
common mass of mankind, it takes the lead of 
most other merits. The simple folk of New- Am- 
sterdam looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a pro- 
digy of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy of 
his martial encounters, was regarded with reve- 
rence and admiration. Every old burgher had a 
budscet of miraculous stories to tell about the ex- 
ploits of Hardkopping Piet, wherewith he regaled 
his children of a long winter night ; and on which 
he dwelt with as much delight and exaggeration, 
as do our honest country yeomen on the hardy 
adventures of old General Putnam (or, as he is 
familiarly termed. Old Put) during our glorious re- 



HIS PATRIARCHAL ADDRESS. 391 

volution — Not an individual but verily believed 
the old governor was a match for Belzebub him- 
self; and there was even a story told, with great 
mystery, and under the rose, of his having shot 
the devil with a silver bullet one dark stormy 
night, as he was sailing in a canoe through Hell- 
gate — But this I do not record as being an abso- 
lute fact. Perish the man who would let fall a 
drop to discolour the pure stream of history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New-Am- 
sterdam but considered Peter Stuyvesant as a 
tower of strength, and rested satisfied that the 
public welfare was secure, so long as he was in 
the city. It is not surprising, then, that they 
looked upon his departure as a sore affliction. 
With heavy hearts they dragged at the heels of 
his troop, as they marched down to the river side 
to embark. The governor from the stern of his 
schooner gave a short but truly patriarchal address 
to his citizens, wherein he recommended them to 
comport like loyal and peaceable subjects — -to go 
to church regularly on Sundays, and to mind their 
business all the week besides — That the women 
should be dutiful and affectionate to their hus- 
bands — looking after nobody's concerns but their 
own : eschewing all gossipings, and morning gad- 
dings — and carrying short tongues and long petti- 
coats. That the men should abstain from inter- 
meddling in public concerns, entrusting the cares 
of government to the officers appointed to support 
them — staying at home, like good citizens, making 



392 FINAL DEPARTURE OF THE ARMADA. 

money for themselves, and getting children for 
the benefit of their country. That the burgo- 
masters should look well to the public interest — 
not oppressing the poor nor indulging the rich — 
not tasking their security to devise new laws, but 
faithfully enforcing those which were already made 
- — rather bending their attention to prevent evil 
than to punish it ; ever recollecting that civil 
magistrates should consider themselves more as 
guardians of public morals than rat-catchers em- 
ployed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, he 
exhorted them, one and all, high and low, rich 
and poor, to conduct themselves as well as they 
could; assuring them that if they faithfully and 
conscientiously complied with this golden rule, 
there was no danger but that they would all con- 
duct themselves well enough. — This done, he 
gave them a paternal benediction ; the sturdy An- 
tony sounded a most loving farewell with his 
trumpet, the jolly crews put up a shout of triumph, 
and the invincible armada swept off proudly down 
the bay. 

The good people of New-Amsterdam crowded 
down to the battery — that blest resort, from 
whence so many a tender prayer has been wafted, 
so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful look 
been cast by love-sick damsel, after the lessening 
bark, bearing her adventurous swain to distant 
climes! — Here the populace watched with strain- 
ing eyes the gallant squadron, as it slowly floated 
4ovyn the bay, and when the intervening land at 



IT ARRIVES IN THE DELAWARE. 393 

the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually 
dispersed with silent tongues and downcast coun- 
tenances. 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city — ■ 
thehonestburghers smoked their pipes in profound 
thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful look to the 
weathercock on the church of St. Nicholas ; and 
all the old women, having no longer the presence 
of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them, gathered 
their children home, and barricadoed the doors 
and windows every evening at sun-down. 

In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter 
proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and after 
encountering about as many storms, and water- 
spouts, and whales, and other horrors and pheno- 
mena, as generally befal adventurous landsmen in 
perilous voyages of the kind j and after under- 
going a severe scouring from that deplorable and 
unpitied malady called sea-sickness, the whole 
squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. 

Without so much as dropping anchor, and 
giving his wearied ships time to breathe after 
labouring so long in the ocean, the intrepid Peter 
pursued his course up the Delaware, and made a 
sudden appearance before Fort Casimir. Having 
summoned the astonished garrison by a terrific 
blast from the trumpet of the long-winded Van 
Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, an 
instant surrender of the fort. To this demand, 
Suen Scutz, the wind-dried commandant, replied 
in a shrill whiffling voice, which, by reason of his 



394 PETER ATTACKS FORT CASIMIR. 

extreme spareness, sounded like the wind whistling 
through a broken bellows — " that he had no very 
strong reason for refusing, except that the demand 
was particularly disagreeable, as he had been or- 
dered to maintain his post to the last extremity." 
He requested time, therefore, to consult with go- 
vernor Risingh, and proposed a truce for that 
purpose. 

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his 
rightful fort so treacherously taken from him, and 
thus pertinaciously withheld, refused the proposed 
armistice, and swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, 
which, like the sacred fire, was never extinguished, 
that unless the fort were surrendered in ten mi- 
nutes, he would incontinently storm the works, 
make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and split 
their scoundrel of a commander like a pickled 
shad. To give this menace the greater effect, he 
drew forth his trusty sword, and shook it at them 
with such a fierce and vigorous motion, that doubt- 
less, if it had not been exceeding rusty, it would 
have lightened terror into the eyes and hearts of 
the enemy. He then ordered his men to bring a 
broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two 
swivels, three muskets, a long duck fowling-piece, 
and two brace of horse-pistols. 

In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear mar- 
shalled all his forces, and commenced his warlike 
operations. Distending his cheeks like a very 
Boreas, he kept up a most horrific twanging of his 
trumpet — the lusty choristers of Sing-Sing broke 



THE GARRISON CAPITULATE. 395 

fortJi into a hideous song of battle — the warriors 
of Breuckelen and the Wallaboiit blew a potent 
and astounding blast on their conch shells, alto- 
gether forming as outrageous a concerto as though 
five thousand French orchestras were displaying 
their skill in a modern overture. 

Whether the formidable front of war thus sud- 
denly presented smote the garrison with sore 
dismay — or whether the concluding terms of the 
summons, which mentioned that he should sur- 
render " at discretion" were mistaken by Suen 
Scutz, who, though a Swede, was a very conside- 
rate, easy-tempered man — as a compliment to his 
discretion, I will not take upon me to say j certain 
it is he found it impossible to resist so courteous a 
demand. Accordingly, in the very nick of time, 
just as the cabin-boy had gone after a coal of fire, 
to discharge the swivel, a chamade was beat on 
the rampart by the only drum in the garrison, to 
the no small satisfaction of both parties ; who, not- 
withstanding their great stomach for fighting, had 
full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner as 
to exchange black eyes and bloody noses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more 
return to the domination of their High Mighti- 
nesses ; Scutz and his garrison of twenty men 
were allowed to march out with the honours of 
war, and the victorious Peter, who was as generous 
as brave, permitted them to keep possession of all 
their armsand ammunition — the same on inspection 
being found totally unfit for service, having long 



3{)6 HOW TO SILENCE FACTIOUS COUNSELLORS. 

rusted in the magazine of the fortress, even before 
it was wrested by the Swedes from the magnani- 
mous but windy Von Puffenburgh. But I must not 
omit to mention, that the governor was so well 
pleased with the services of his faithful squire Van 
Corlear, in the reduction of this great fortress, that 
he made him on the spot lord of a goodly domain 
in the vicinity of New- Amsterdam — which goes 
by the name of Corlear's Hook unto this very day. 
The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuy- 
vesant towards the Swedes, occasioned great sur- 
prise in the city of New- Amsterdam — nay, certain 
of those factious individuals, who had been en- 
lightened by the political meetings that prevailed 
during the days of William the Testy, but who had 
not dared to indulge their meddlesome habits 
under the eye of their present ruler, now, embold- 
ened by his absence, dared even to give vent to 
their censures in the streets. Murmurs were heard 
in the very council-chamber of New- Amsterdam ; 
and there is no knowing whether they would not 
have broken out into downright speeches and in- 
vectives, had not Peter Stuyvesant privately sent 
home his walking staff, to be laid as a mace on the 
table of the council-chamber, in the midst of his 
counsellors ; who, like wise men, took the hint, 
and for ever after held their peace. 



A CORPORATION SIMILE. ^97 



CHAPTER VI. 

Shoiving the great advantage that the author has over his reader 
in time of battle — together with divers portentous movements ; 
xvhich betoken that something terrible is about to happen. 

Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corpora- 
tion feast the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes 
his palate, feels his impatient appetite but tenfold 
quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks upon 
the tureen, while his voracious eyes, projecting 
from his head, roll greedily round, devouring every 
thing at table — so did the mettlesome Peter Stuy- 
vesant feel that intolerable hunger for martial 
glory, which raged within his very bowels, inflamed 
by the capture of Fort Casimir, and nothing could 
allay it but the conquest of all New Sweden. No 
sooner therefore had he secured his conquest, than 
he stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, to 
gather fresh laurels at Fort Christina*. 

This was the grand Swedish post, established 
on a small river (or, as it is improperly termed, 
creek) of the same name ; and here that crafty 
governor Jan Risingh lay grimly drawn up, like 
a gray -bearded spider in the citadel of his web. 

* This is at present a flourishing town, called Christiana, or 
Christeen, about thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, on the 
post road to Baltimore. 



398 ALWAYS PAUSE BEFORE A BATTLE. 

But before we hurry into the direful scenes that 
must attend the meeting of two such potent chief- 
tains, it is advisable that we pause for a moment, 
and hold a kind of warlike council. Battles should 
not be rushed into precipitately by the historian 
and his readers, any more than by the general and 
his soldiers. The great commanders of antiquity 
never engaged tlie enemy without previously pre- 
paring the minds of their followers by animating 
harangues ; spiriting them up to heroic feelings, 
assuring them of the protection of the gods, and 
inspiring them with a confidence in the prowess of 
their leaders. So the historian should awaken the 
attention and enlist the passions of his readers ; 
and having set them all on fire with the importance 
of his subject, he should put himself at their head, 
flourish his pen, and lead them on to the thickest 
of the fight. 

An illustrious example of this rule may be seen 
in that mirror of historians the immortal Thucy- 
dides. Having arrived at the breaking out of the 
Peloponnesian war, one of his commentators ob- 
serves that " he sounds the charge in all the dis- 
position and spirit of Homer. He catalogues the 
allies on both sides. He awakens our expectations, 
and fast engages our attention. All mankind are 
concerned in the important point now going to be 
decided. Endeavours are made to disclose fu- 
turity. Heaven itself is interested in the dispute. 
The earth totters, and nature seems to labour with 
the great event. This is his solemn sublime 



ADVANTAGE OF HISTORIANS OVER READERS. 399 

manner of setting out. Thus he magnifies a war 
between two, as Rapin styles them, petty states ; 
and thus artfully he supports a little subject by 
treating it in a great and noble method.** 

In like manner, having conducted my readers 
into the very teeth of peril — having followed the 
adventurous Peter and his band into foreign re- 
gions — surrounded by foes, and stunned by the 
horrid din of arms — at this important moment, 
while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming 
chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and 
prepare them for the events that are to follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage 
which, as the historian, I possess over my reader ; 
and this it is, that though I cannot save the life 
of my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict the 
event of a battle (both which liberties, though 
often taken by the French writers of the present 
reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupu- 
lous historian), yet I can now and then make him 
bestow on his enemy a sturdy back stroke sufficient 
to fell a giant ; though, in honest truth, he may 
never have done any thing of the kind — or I can 
drive his antagonist clear round and round the 
field, as did Homer make that fine fellow Hector 
scamper like a poltroon round the walls of Troy ; 
for which, if ever they have encountered one an- 
other in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince 
of poets has had to make the most humble apology. 

I am aware that many conscientious readers will 
be ready to cry out " foul play !" whenever I render 



400 STAND BY FOR BROKEN HEADS. 

a little assistance to my hero — but I consider it 
one of those privileges exercised by historians of 
all ages — and one which has never been disputed. 
In fact, an historian is, as it were, bound in honour 
to stand by his hero — the fame of the latter is en- 
trusted to his hands, and it is his duty to do the 
best by it he can. Never was there a general, an 
admiral, or any other commander, who in giving 
an account of any battle he had fought, did not 
sorely belabour the enemy ; and I have no doubt 
that, had my heroes written the history of their 
own achievements, they would have dealt much 
harder blows than any that I shall recount. Stand- 
ing forth, therefore, as the guardian of their fame, 
it behoves me to do them the same justice they 
would have done themselves ; and if I happen to 
be a little hard upon the Swedes, I give free leave 
to any of tlieir descendants, who may write a his- 
tory of the State of Delaware, to take fair retalia- 
tion, and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as 
they please. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody 
noses ! — my pen liath long itched for a battle — 
siege after siege have I carried on without blows 
or bloodshed ; but now I have at length got a 
chance, and I vow to Heaven and St. Nicholas, 
that, let tlie chronicles of the times say what they 
please, neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, 
nor any otlier liistorian, did over record a fiercer 
fight than that in which my \aliant chieftains are 
now about to engage. 



VAN CORLEAR SUMMONS FORT CHRISTINA. 401 

And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for 
your faithful adherence, I could cherish in the 
warmest corner of my heart — be not uneasy — 
trust the fate of our favourite Stuyvesant to me — 
for by the rood, come what may, I'll stick by 
Hard-koppig Piet to the last ; I'll make him 
drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned 
Launcelot of the hake a herd of recreant Cornish 
Knights — and if he does fall, let me never draw 
my pen to fight another battle, in behalf of a brave 
man, if I don't make these lubberly Swedes pay 
for it. 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before 
fort Christina than he proceeded without delay 
to intrench himself, and immediately on running 
his first parallel, despatched Antony Van Corlear 
to summon the fortress to surrender. Van Corlear 
was received with all due formality, hoodwinked 
at the portal, and conducted through a pestiferous 
smell of salt fish and onions to the citadel, a sub- 
stantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were 
here uncovered, and he found himself in the 
august presence of governor Risingh. This chief- 
tain, as I have before noted, was a very giantly 
man ; and was clad in a coarse blue coat, strapped 
round the waist with a leathern belt, which caused 
the enormous skirts and pockets to set off with a 
very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were 
cased in a pair of foxy-coloured jack boots, and 
he was straddling in the attitude of the Colossus 
of Rhodes, before a bit of broken looking-glass, 

D D 



402 INTERVIEW WITH GOVERNOR RISINGH. 

shaving himself with a villaiioiisly dull razor. This 
afflicting operation caused him to make a series of 
horrible grimaces, that heightened exceedingly 
the grisly terrors of his visage. On Antony Van 
Corlear's being announced, the grim commander 
paused for a moment, in the midst of one of his 
most hard-favoured contortions, and after eyeing 
him askance over the shoulder, with a kind of 
snarling grin on his countenance, resumed his 
labours at the glass. 

This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once 
more to the trumpeter, and demanded the purport 
of his errand. Antony Van Corlear delivered in 
a few words, being a kind of short-hand speaker, 
a long message from his excellency, recounting 
the whole history of the province, with a recapi- 
tulation of grievances, and enumeration of claims, 
and concluding with a peremptory demand of in- 
stant surrender ; which done, he turned aside, 
took his nose between his thumb and finger, and 
blew a tremendous blast, not unlike the flourish of 
a trumpet of defiance — which it had doubtless 
learned from a long and intimate neighbourhood 
with that melodious instrument. 

Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet 
and all, but with infinite impatience ; leaning at 
times, as was his usual custom, on the pommel 
of his sword, and at times twirling a huge steel 
watch-chain, or snapping his fingers. Van Corlear 
having finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter 
Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the 



GOVEllNOK RISINGH'S REPLY. 403 

D 1, whither he hoped to send him and his 

crew of ragamuffins before supper-time. Then 
unsheathing his brass-hilted sword, and throwing 
away the scabbard — " 'Fore gad," quod he, "but 
I will not sheathe thee again until I make a scab- 
bard of the smoke-dried leathern hide of this 
runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a fierce 
defiance in the teeth of his adversary, by the lips 
of his messenger, the latter was reconducted to 
the portal, with all the ceremonious civility due to 
the trumpeter, squire, and ambassador of so great 
a commander ; and being again unblinded, was 
courteously dismissed with a tweak of the nose, 
to assist him in recollecting his message. 

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this in- 
solent reply than he let fly a tremendous volley 
of red-hot execrations, that would infallibly have 
battered down the fortifications, and blown up 
the powder magazine, about the ears of the fiery 
Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably 
strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving 
that the works withstood this terrific blast, and 
that it was utterly impossible (as it really was in 
those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war with 
words, he ordered his merry men all to prepare 
for an immediate assault. But here a strange mur- 
mur broke out among his troops, beginning with 
the tribe of the Van Bummels, those valiant tren- 
cher-men of the Bronx, and spreading from man 
to man, accompanied with certain mutinous looks 
and discontented murmurs. For once in his life, 

B B '2 



404 DINNER BEFORE THE BAITLE. 

and only for once, did the great Peter turn pale, 
for he verily thought his warriors were going to 
falter in this hour of perilous trial, and thus tar- 
nish for ever the fame of the province of New- 
Nederlands. 

But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that 
in this suspicion he deeply wronged this most un- 
daunted army ; for the cause of this agitation and 
uneasiness simply was, that the hour of dinner was 
at hand, and it would have almost broken the 
hearts of these regular Dutch warriors to have 
broken in upon the invariable routine of their 
habits. Beside, it was an established rule among 
our valiant ancestors always to fight upon a full 
stomach ; and to this may be doubtless attributed 
the circumstance that they came to be so renowned 
in arms. 

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, 
and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily en- 
gaged under the trees, buffeting stoutly with the 
contents of their wallets, and taking such af- 
fectionate embraces of their canteens and pottles, 
as though they verily believed they were to be the 
last. And as I foresee we shall have hot work in 
a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same, 
for which purpose I will bring this chapter to a 
close ; giving them my word of honour, that no 
advantage shall be taken of this armistice to sur- 
prise, or in any wise molest, the honest Neder- 
landers, while at their vigorous repast. 



EXPECTATION ON STILTS. 405 



CHAPTER Vll. 

Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in poetry or 
prose ; toilh the admirable exploits of Peter the Headstrontr, 

*' Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge re- 
past," and finding themselves wonderfully encou- 
raged and animated thereby, prepared to take the 
field. Expectation, says the writer of the Stuy- 
vesant manuscript — Expectation now stood on 
stilts. The world forgot to turn round, or rather 
stood still, that it might witness the affray ; like a 
fat round-bellied alderman, watching the combat 
of two chivalric flies upon his jerkin^ The eyes of 
all mankind, as usual in such cases, were turned 
upon Fort Christina. The sun, like a little man 
in a crowd at a puppet-show, scampered about the 
heavens, popping his head here and there, and 
endeavouring to get a peep between the unman- 
nerly clouds, that obtruded themselves in his way. 
The historians filled their inkhorns — the poets 
went v/ithout their dinners, either that they might 
buy paper and goose-quills, or because they could 
not get any thing to eat — Antiquity scowled sulkily 
out of its grave, to see itself outdone — while even 
Posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy of 
retrospection on the eventful field. 



406 CONDUCT OF THE HEATHEN DEITIES. 

The immortal deities, who whilom had seen 
service at the " affair" of Troy — now mounted 
their feather-bed clouds, and sailed over the plain, 
or minffled amono; the combatants in different dis- 
guises, all itching to have a finger in the pie. 
Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted copper- 
smith, to have it furbished up for the direful occa- 
sion. Venus swore by her chastity she would 
patronize the Swedes, and in semblance of a blear- 
eyed trull paraded the battlements of Fort Chris- 
tina, accompanied by Diana, as a Serjeant's widow, 
of cracked reputation — The noted bully. Mars, 
stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shouldered 
a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered at their 
elbow, as a drunken corporal — wliile Apollo trudged 
in their rear, as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most 
villanously out of tune. 

On tlie other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had 
gained a pair of black eyes over night, in one of 
her curtain lectures with old Jupiter, displayed her 
haughty beauties on a baggage-waggon — Minerva, 
as a brawny gin-suttler, tucked up her skirts, 
brandished her fists, and swore most heroically, in 
exceeding bad Dutch (having but lately studied 
the language), by way of keeping up the spirits of 
the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted as a club-footed 
blacksmith, lately promoted to be a captain of 
militia. All was silent horror, or bustling pre- 
paration : War reared his horrid front, gnashed 
loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful crest of 
bristhng bayonets. 



MARSHALLING OF THE HOSTS. 'i07 

And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out 
their hosts. Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a 
thousand rocks — incrusted with stockades, and in- 
trenched to the chin in mud batteries. His valiant 
soldiery lined the breast-work in grim array, each 
having his mustachios fiercely greased, and his 
hair pomatumed back, and queued so stiffly, that 
he grinned above the ramparts like a grisly death's 
head. 

There came on the intrepid Peter — his brows 
knit, his teeth set, his fists clinched, almost breath- 
ing forth volumes of smoke, so fierce was the fire 
that raged within his bosom. His faithful squire, 
Van Corlear, trudged valiantly at his heels, with 
liis trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red and 
yellow ribands, the remembrances of his fair 
mistresses at the Manhattoes. Then came wad- 
dling on the sturdy chivalry of the Hudson. 
There were the Van Wycks, and the Van Dycks, 
and the Ten Eycks — ^the Van Nesses, the Van 
Tassels, the Van Grolls ; the Van Hoesens, the 
Van Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms — the Van 
Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van Dams ; the 
Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and the Van Brunts. 
There were the Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the 
Van Bunschotens ; the Van G elders, the Van 
Arsdales, and the Van Bummels ; the Vander 
Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander Voorts, the 
Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander 
Spiegels — there came the Hoffmans, the Hoogh- 
lands, the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Ryckmans, 



408 PETER'S ADDRESS BEFORE THE BATTLE. 

the Dyckmans, the Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, 
the Oothouts, the Quackenbosses, the Roerbacks, 
the Garrebrantzs, the Bensoiis, the Brouwers, the 
Waldrons, the Onderdoiiks, the Varra Vangers, 
the Schermerhorns, the Stouteiiburghs, the Brink- 
erhofFs, the Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the 
Hockstrassers, the Ten Breecheses and the Tough 
Breecheses, with a host more of worthies, Vv'hose 
names are too crabbed to be written, or if they 
could be written, it would be impossible for man 
to utter — all fortified with a mighty dinner, and 
to use the words of a great Dutch poet, 

— " Brimful of wrath and cabbage !" 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the 
midst of his career, and mounting on a stump, 
addressed his troops in eloquent Low Dutch, ex- 
horting them to fight like duyvels, and assuring 
them that if they conquered, they should get 
plenty of booty — if they fell, they should be allowed 
the unparalleled satisfaction, while dying, of re- 
flecting that it was in the service of their country — 
and after they were dead, of seeing their names 
inscribed in the temple of renown, and handed 
down, in company with all the other great men of 
the year, for the admiration of posterity. — Finally 
he swore to them, on the word of a governor (and 
they knew him too well to doubt it for a moment), 
that if he caught any mother's son of them looking 
pale, or playing craven, he would curry his hide till 



TERRIFIC ONSET. 409 

he made him run out of it like a snake in spring 
time. — Then lugging out his trusty sabre, he 
brandished it three times over his head, ordered 
Van Coiiear to sound a tremendous charge, and 
shouting the word *' St. Nicholas and the Manhat- 
toes !'* courageously dashed forwards. His war- 
like followers, who had employed the interval in 
lighting their pipes, instantly stuck them in their 
mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged gallantly, 
under cover of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning 
Risingh not to fire until they could distinguish 
the whites of their assailants' eyes, stood in horrid 
silence on the covert-way, until the eager Dutch- 
men had ascended the glacis. Then did they 
pour into them such a tremendous volley, that 
the very hills quaked around, and were terrified 
even unto an incontinence of water, insomuch 
that certain springs burst forth from their sides, 
which continue to run unto the present day. Not 
a Dutchman but would have bitten the dust 
beneath that dreadful fire, had not the protecting 
Minerva kindly taken care that the Swedes 
should, one and all, observe their usual custom 
of shutting their eyes and turning away their heads 
at the moment of discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping 
the counterscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon 
the foe with furious outcries. And now might be 
seen prodigies of valour, of which neither history 
nor song have ever recorded a parallel. Here was 



4-10 PRODIGIES OF VALOUR. 

beheld the sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff blandishing 
his lusty quarter-staff, Hke the terrible giant Blaii- 
deron his oak tree (for he scorned to carry any 
other weapon), and drumming a horrific tune 
upon the heads of whole squadrons of Swedes. 
There were the crafty Van Kortlandts, posted at 
a distance, like the Locrian archers of yore, and 
plying it most potently with the long bow, for 
which they were so justly renowned. At another 
place were collected on a rising knoll the valiant 
men of Sing-Sing, who assisted marvellously in 
the fight, by chanting forth the great song of St. 
Nicholas ; but as to the Gardeniers of Hudson, 
they were absent from the battle, having been 
sent out on a marauding party, to lay waste the 
neighbouring water-melon patches. In a different 
part of the field might be seen the Van Grolls of 
Anthony's Nose ; but they were horribly perplexed 
in a defile between two little hills, by reason of 
the length of their noses. There were the Van 
Bunschotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for 
kicking with their left foot; but their skill availed 
them little at present, being short of wind in con- 
sequence of the hearty dinner they had eaten, 
and they would irretrievably have been put to 
rout had they not been reinforced by a gallant 
corps of Voltigeiirs^ composed of the Hoppers, 
who advanced to their assistance nimbly on one 
foot. Nor must I omit to mention the incom- 
parable achievements of Antony Van Corlear, who, 
for a good quarter of an hour, waged stubborn 



HE COMBAT THICKENS. 4-1 1 

fight with a little pursy Swedish drummer, whose 
hide he drummed most magnificently; and had 
he not come into the battle with no other weapon 
but his trumpet, would infallibly have put him 
to an untimely end. 

But now the combat thickened — on came the 
mighty Jacobus Varra Vanger and the fighting 
men of the Wallabout ; after them thundered the 
Van Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van Rip- 
pers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all before 
them — then the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, 
pressing forward with many a blustering oath, at 
the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, clad in their 
thunder and lightning gaberdines ; and lastly, the 
standard-bearers and body-guards of Peter Stuy- 
vesant, bearing the great beaver of the Man- 
hattoes. 

And now commenced the horrid din, the de- 
sperate struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic 
desperation, the confusion and self-abandonment 
of war. Dutchman and Swede commingled, tugged, 
panted, and blowed. The heavens were darkened 
with a tempest of missives. Bang ! went the guns 
— whack ! struck the broad-swords — thump ! went 
the cudgels — crash ! w^ent the musket-stocks — 
blows — kicks — cuffs — scratches — black eyes and 
bloody noses swelling the horrors of the scene ! 
Thick-thwack, cut and hack, helter-skelter, hig- 
gledy-pigledy, hurly-burly, head over heels, 
rouo'h and tumble ! — Dunder and blixum ! swore 
tlie Dutchmen — splitter and splutter! cried the 



412 ADVANCE OF MICHAEL PAW. 

Swedes — Storm the works ! shouted Hardkoppig 
Peter — fire the mine ! roared stout Risingh — Tanta- 
ra-ra-ra ! twanged the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear 
— until all voice and sound became unintelligible 
— grunts of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of tri- 
umph commingling in one hideous clamour. The 
earth shook as if struck with a paralytic stroke — 
Trees shrunk aghast, and withered at the sight — 
Rocks burrowed in the ground like rabbits, — and 
even Christina Creek turned from its course, and 
ran up a mountain in breathless terror ! 

Long hung the conquest doubtful ; for though a 
heavy shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-com- 
pelling Jove,'* in some measure cooled their ardour, 
as doth a bucket of water thrown on a group of 
fighting mastiffs, yet did they but pause for a 
moment, to return with tenfold fury to the charge, 
belabouring each other with black and bloody 
bruises. Just at this juncture was seen a vast and 
dense column of smoke, slowly rolling towards the 
scene of battle, which for a while made even the 
furious combatants to stay their arms in mute 
astonishment^but the wind for a moment dis- 
persing the murky cloud, from the midst thereof 
emerged the flaunting banner of the immortal 
Michael Paw. This noble chieftain came fear- 
lessly on, leading a solid phalanx of oyster-fed 
Pavonians, who had remained behind, partly as a 
corps de reserve, and partly to digest the enormous 
dinner they had eaten. These sturdy yeomen, 
nothing daunted, did trudge manfully forward, 



DESTRUCTION OF TOBACCO-PIPES. 418 

smoking their pipes with outrageous vigour, so as 
to raise the awful cloud that has been mentioned ; 
but marching exceedingly slow, being short of 
leg, and of great rotundity in the belt. 

And now the protecting deities of the army of 
New- Amsterdam having unthinkingly left the field 
and stept into a neighbouring tavern to refresh 
themselves with a pot of beer, a direful catastrophe 
had well nigh chanced to befal the Nederlanders. 
Scarcely had the myrmidons of the puissant Paw 
attained the front of battle, before the Swedes, 
instructed by the cunning Risingh, levelled a 
shower of blows full at their tobacco-pipes. As- 
tounded at this unexpected assault, and totally 
discomfited at seeing their pipes broken, the va- 
liant Dutchmen fell in vast confusion — already 
they begin to fly — like a frightened drove of un- 
wieldy elephants they throw their own army in an 
uproar, bearing down a whole legion of little Hop- 
pers — the sacred banner on which is blazoned the 
gigantic oyster of Communipaw is trampled in the 
dirt. The Swedes pluck up new spirits, and press- 
ing on their rear, apply their feet a parte poste 
with a vigour that prodigiously accelerates their 
motions — nor doth the renowned Paw himself fail 
to receive divers grievous and dishonourable visita- 
tions of shoe-leather ! 

But what. Oh muse ! was the rage of the gallant 
Peter, when from afar he saw his army yield? 
With a voice of thunder did he roar after his 
recreant warriors. The men of the Manhattoes 



"^14 HEROIC VALOUR OF PETER. 

plucked up new courage when they heard their 
leader — or rather they dreaded his fierce displea- 
sure, of which they stood in more awe than of all 
the Swedes in Christendom — but the daring Peter, 
not waiting for their aid, plunged, sword in hand, 
into the thickest of the foe. Then did he display 
some such incredible achievements as have never 
been known since the miraculous days of the 
giants. Wherever he went the enemy shrunk be- 
fore him — with fierce impetuosity he pushed for- 
ward, driving the Swedes, like dogs, into their 
ow^n ditch — but as he fearlessly advanced, the foe 
thronged in his rear, and hung upon his flank with 
fearful peril. One crafty Swede, advancing warily 
on one side, drove his dastard sword full at the 
hero's heart ; but the protecting power that 
watches over the safety of all great and good men 
turned aside the hostile blade, and directed it to 
a side-pocket, where reposed an enormous iron 
tobacco-box, endowed, like the shield of Achilles, 
with supernatural powers — no doubt in conse- 
quence of its being piously decorated with a por- 
trait of the blessed St. Nicholas. Thus was the 
dreadful blow repelled, but not without occasion- 
ing to the great Peter a fearful loss of wind. 

Like as a furious bear, when gored by curs, 
turns fiercely round, gnashes his teeth, and springs 
upon the foe, so did our hero turn upon the 
treacherous Swede. The miserable varlet sought 
in flight for safety — but the active Peter, seizing 
him by an immeasurable queue that dangled from his 



RISINGH JOINS THE FIGHT. 415 

head — " Ah, whoreson caterpillar!" roared he, 
" here is what shall make dog's meat of thee !" 
So saying, he whirled his trusty sword, and made 
a blow that would have decapitated him, but that 
the pitying steel struck short, and shaved the queue 
for ever from his crown. At this very moment a 
cunning arquebusier, perched on the summit of a 
neighbouring mound, levelled his deadly instru- 
ment, and would have sent the gallant Stuyvesant 
a wailing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore — ^had 
not the watchful Minerva, who had just stopped 
to tie up her garter, saw the great peril of her 
favourite chief, and despatched old Boreas with 
his bellows, who, in the very nick of time, just as 
the match descended to the pan, gave such a lucky 
blast, as blew all the priming from the touch-hole ! 

Thus waged the horrid light — when the stout 
Risingh, surveying the battle from the top of a 
little ravelin, perceived his faithful troops banged, 
beaten, and kicked by the invincible Peter. Lan- 
guage cannot describe the choler with which he 
was seized at the sight — he only stopped for a 
moment to disburthen himself of five thousand 
anathemas ; and then drawing his immeasurable 
falchion straddled down to the field of combat, 
with some such thundering strides as Jupiter is 
said by Hesiod to have taken when he strode 
down the spheres, to hurl his thunderbolts at the 
Titans. 

No sooner did these two rival heroes come face 
to face than they each made a prodigious start, 



416 



HIS DREADFUL COMBAT WITH PETER. 



such as is made by your most experienced stage 
champions. Then did they regard each other for 
a moment with bitter aspect, Uke two furious ram 
cats on the very point of a clapper-clawing. Then 
did they throw themselves in one attitude, then in 
another, striking their swords on the ground, first 
on the right side, then on the left — at last at it they 
went with incredible ferocity. Words cannot tell 
the prodigies of strength and valour displayed on 
this direful encounter — an encounter, compared to 
which the far-famed battles of Ajax with Hector, 
of Eneas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, 
Guy of Warwick with Colbrand the Dane, or of 
that renowned Welsh Knight, Sir Owen of the 
Mountains, with the giant Guylon, were all gentle 
sports and holiday recreations. At length the 
valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aimed a 
fearful blow, with the full intention of cleaving his 
adversary to the very chine ; but Risingh, nimbly 
raising his sword, warded it off so narrowly, that 
glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge can- 
teen that he always carried swung on one side ; 
thence pursuing its trenchant course, it severed 
ofFa deep coat pocket, stored with bread and cheese 
— all which dainties rolling among the armies, oc- 
casioned a fearful scrambling between the Swedes 
and Dutchmen, and made the general battle to 
wax ten times more furious than ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores thus wofully 
laid waste, the stout Risingh, collecting all his 
forces, aimed a mighty blow full at the hero's 



PETER'S FALL, AND WHAT BROKE IT. 417 

crest. Ill vain did his fierce little cocked hat op- 
pose its course ; the biting steel clove through the 
stubborn ram beaver, and would infallibly have 
cracked his crown, but that the skull was of such 
adamantine hardness, that the brittle weapon shi- 
vered into pieces, shedding a thousand sparks, 
like beams of glory, round his grisly visage. 

Stunned with the blow, the valiant Peter reeled, 
turned up his eyes, and beheld fifty thousand 
suns, besides moons and stars, dancing about the 
firmament — atlength,missinghisfooting, by reason 
of his wooden leg, down he came on his seat of 
honour, with a crash that shook the surrounding 
hills, and would infallibly have wi-^cked his ana- 
tomical system, had he not been received into a 
cushion softer than velvet, which Providence, or 
Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some kindly cow, 
had benevolently prepared for his reception. 

The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble 
maxim, cherished by all true knights, that " fair 
play is a jewel," hastened to take advantage of the 
hero's fall ; but just as he was stooping to give the 
fatal blow, the ever vigilant Peter bestowed him 
a sturdy thwack over the sconce with his wooden 
leg, that set some dozen chimes of bells ringing 
triple bob-majors in his cerebellum. The bewil- 
dered Swede staggered with the blow, and in the 
mean time the wary Peter espying a pocket pistol 
lying hard by (which had dropped from the wallet 
of his faithful squire and trumpeter Van Corlear 
during his furious encounter with the drummer) 

E E 



418 VICTORY OF PETER. 

discharged it full at the head of the reeling 
Risingh — Let not my reader mistake — it was not 
a murderous weapon loaded with powder and ball, 
b,ut a little sturdy stone pottle, charged to the 
muzzle with a double dram of true Dutch courage, 
which the knowing Van Corlear always carried 
about him by way of replenishing his valour. The 
hideous missive sung through the air, and true to 
its course, as was the mighty fragment of a rock 
discharged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered 
the huge head of the gigantic Swede with match- 
less violence. 

This heaven-directed blow decided the eventful 
battle. The ponderous pericranium of General 
Jan Risingh sunk upon his breast j his knees 
tottered under him ; a deathlike torpor seized upon 
his giant frame, and lie tumbled to the earth with 
such tremendous violence, that old Pluto started 
with affright, lest he should have broken through 
the roof of his infernal palace. 

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory — 
The Swedes gave way — the Dutch pressed for- 
ward ; the former took to their heels, the latter 
hotly pursued. — Some entered with them, pell- 
mell, through the sally-port — others stormed the 
bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. 
Thus in a little while the impregnable fortress of 
Fort Christina, which, like another Troy, had 
stood a siege of full ten hours, was finally carried 
by assault, without the loss of a single man on 
either side. Victory, in the likeness, of a gigantic 



FALL OF FORT CHRISTINA. 419 

ox-fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat of the 
gallant Stuyvesant, and it was universally de- 
clared, by all the writers whom he hired to write 
the history of his expedition, that on this me- 
morable day he gained a suflicient quantity of 
glory to immortalize a dozen of the greatest heroes 
in Christendom ! 



E E 2 



420 OBJECTIONS ANTICIPATED. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

In which the aicthor and the reader, ivhile reposing after the 
battle, fall into a very grave discourse — ajier ivhich is recorded 
the conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after his victory. 

Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished 
this tremendous battle : let us sit down, my wor- 
thy reader, and cool ourselves, for I am in a pro- 
digious sweat and agitation — Truly this fighting 
of battles is hot work ! and if your great com- 
manders did but know what trouble they give 
their historians, they would not have the con- 
science to achieve so many horrible victories. But 
methinks I hear my reader complain, that through- 
out this boasted battle there is not the least 
slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, if we 
except the unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his 
queue by the trenchant blade of Peter Stuyvesant j 
all which, he observes, is a great outrage on 
probability, and highly injurious to the interest of 
the narration. 

This is certainly an objection of no little mo- 
ment, but it arises entirely from the obscurity that 
envelops the remote periods of time about which 
I have undertaken to write. Thus, though doubt- 
less, from the importance of the object, and the 
prowess of the parties concerned, there must have 
been terrible carnage, and prodigies of valour dis- 



THE AUTHOR'S EXCUSE. 421 

played before the walls of Christina, yet, notwith- 
standing that I have consulted every history, 
manuscript, and tradition, touching this memora- 
able though long-forgotten battle, I cannot find 
mention made of a single man killed or wounded 
in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme 
modesty of our forefathers, who, like their de- 
scendants, were never prone to vaunt of their 
achievements 5 but it is a vii'tue that places their 
historian in a most embarrassing predicament ; 
for, having promised my readers a hideous and 
unpai'alleled battle, and having worked them up 
into a warlike and bloodthirsty state of mind, to 
put them off without any havoc and slaughter 
was as bitter a disappointment as to summon a 
multitude of good people to attend an execution, 
and then cruelly balk them by a reprieve- 
Had the inexorable fates only allowed me some 
half a score dead men, I had been content ; for I 
would have made them such heroes as abounded 
in the olden time, but whose race is now unfor- 
tunately extinct : any one of whom, if we may 
believe those authentic writers, the poets, could 
drive great armies like sheep before him, and 
conquer and desolate whole cities by his single 
arm. 

But seeing that I had not a single life at my 
disposal, all that was left me was to make the most 
I could of my battle, by means of kicks, and cuffs, 
and bruises, and such like ignoble wounds. And 



422 THE AUTHOR'S DIFFICULTIES. 

here I cannot but compare my dilemma, in some 
sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, having ar- 
rayed with subhme preparation his immortal hosts 
against each other, is sadly put to it how to manage 
them, and how he shall make the end of his battle 
answer to the beginning ; inasmuch as, being mere 
spirits, he cannot deal a mortal blow, nor even 
give a flesh wound to any of his combatants. For 
my part, the greatest difficulty I found was, when 
I had once put my warriors in a paskion, and let 
them loose into the midst of the enemy, to keep 
them from doing mischief. Many a time had I to 
restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigantic 
Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half a 
dozen little fellows on his sword, like so many 
sparrows. And when I had set some hundred of 
missives flying in the air, I did not dare to suffer 
one of them to reach the ground, lest it should 
have put an end to some unlucky Dutchman. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it 
is to a writer thus in a manner to have his hands 
tied, and how many tempting opportunities I had 
to wink at, where I might have made as fine a 
death-blow as any recorded in history or song. 

From my own experience I begin to doubt most 
potently of the authenticity of many of Homer's 
stories. I verily believe, that when he had once 
lanched one of his favourite heroes among a crowd 
of the enemy, he cut down many an honest fellow, 
without any authority for so doing, excepting that 
he presented a fair mark — and that often a poor 



A MELANCHOLY REFLECTION. 423 

devil was sent to grim Pluto's domains, merely 
because he had a name that would give a sounding 
turn to a period. But I disclaim all such unprin- 
cipled liberties — let me but have truth and the law 
on my side, and no man would fight harder than 
myself— but since the various records I consulted 
did not warrant it, I had too much conscience to 
kill a single soldier. — By St. Nicholas, but it would 
have been a pretty piece of business ! My enemies, 
the critics, wl^o I foresee will be ready enough to 
lay any crime they can discover at my door, might 
have charged me with murder outright — and I 
should have esteemed myself lucky to escape with 
no harsher verdict than manslaughter ! 

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly 
sitting down here, smoking our pipes, permit me 
to indulge in a melancholy reflection which at this 
moment passes across my mind. — How vain, how 
fleeting, how uncertain are all those gaudy bubbles 
after which we are panting and toiling in this 
world of fair delusions! The wealth which the 
miser has amassed with so many weary days, so 
many sleepless nights, a spendthrift heir may 
squander away in joyless prodigality — The noblest 
monuments which pride has ever reared to perpe- 
tuate a name, the hand of time will shortly tumble 
into ruins — and even the brightest laurels, gained 
by feats of arms, may wither, and be for ever 
blighted by the chilling neglect of mankind. — 
" How many illustrious heroes," says the good 
Boetius, '' who were once the pride and glory of 



424 IMPORTANCE OF THE HISTORIAN. 

the age, hath the silence of historians buried in 
eternal oblivion !" And this it was that induced 
the Spartans, when they went to battle, solemnly 
to sacrifice to the Muses, supplicating that their 
achievements should be worthily recorded. Had 
not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, observes the ele- 
gant Cicero, the valour of Achilles had remained 
unsung. And such too, after all the toils and 
perils he had braved, after all the gallant actions 
he had achieved, such too had nearly been the 
fate of the chivalric Peter Stuyvesant, but that I 
fortunately stepped in and engraved his name on 
the indelible tablet of history, just as the caitiff 
Time was silently brushing it away for ever ! 

The more I reflect, the more am I astonished 
at the important character of the historian. He 
is the sovereign censor, to decide upon the renown 
or infamy of his fellow men. He is the patron of 
kings and conquerors, on whom it depends whether 
they shall live in after ages, or be forgotten as 
were their ancestors before them. The tyrant 
may oppress while the object of his tyranny exists, 
but the historian possesses superior might, for his 
power extends even beyond the grave. The shades 
of departed and long forgotten heroes anxiously 
bend down from above, while he writes, watching 
each movement of his pen, whether it shall pass by 
their names with neglect, or inscribe them on the 
deathless pages of renown. Even the drop of ink 
that hangs trembling on his pen, which he may 
either dash upon the floor, or waste in idle scrawl- 



WHAT IS IMMORTAL FAME. 425 

ings — that very drop, which to him is not worth 
the twentieth part of a farthing, may be of incal- 
culable value to some departed worthy — may ele^ 
vate half a score, in one moment, to immortality, 
who would have given worlds, had they possessed 
them, to ensure the glorious meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I 
am indulging in vain-glorious boastings, or am 
anxious to blazon forth the importance of my tribe. 
On the contrary, I shrink when I reflect on the 
awful responsibihty we historians assume — I shud- 
der to think what direful commotions and cala- 
mities we occasion in the world — I swear to thee, 
honest reader, as I am a man, I weep at the very 
idea ! Why, let me ask, are so many illustrious 
men daily tearing themselves away from the em- 
braces of their families — slighting the smiles of 
beauty — despising the allurements of fortune, and 
exposing themselves to the miseries of war? — Why 
are kings desolating empires, and depopulating 
whole countries ? In short, what induces all great 
men, of all ages and countries, to commit so many 
victories and misdeeds, and inflict so many mi- 
series upon mankind and on themselves, but the 
mere hope that some historian will kindly take 
them into notice, and admit them into a corner of 
his volume. For, in short, the mighty object of 
all their toils, their hardships, and privations, is 
nothing but immortal fame — and what is immortal 

fame ? — — ^why, half a page of dirty paper ! 

alas ! alas ! how humiliating the idea — that the re- 



426 CONQUEST OF NEW-SWEDEN. 

nown of so great a man as Peter Stuyvesant should 
depend upon the pen of so little a man as Diedrich 
Knickerbocker ! 

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the 
fatigues and perils of the field, it behoves us to 
return once more to the scene of conflict, and in- 
quire what were the results of this renowned con- 
quest. The fortress of Christina being the fair 
metropolis, and in a manner the key to New- 
Sweden, its capture was speedily followed by the 
entire subjugation of the province. This was not 
a little promoted by the gallant and courteous de- 
portment of the chivalric Peter. Though a man 
terrible in battle, yet in the hour of victory was 
he endued with a spirit generous, merciful, and 
humane. He vaunted not over his enemies, nor 
did he make defeat more galling by unmanly in- 
sults ; for like that mirror of nightly virtue, the 
renowned Paladin Orlando, he was more anxious 
to do great actions than to talk of them after they 
were done. He put no man to death ; ordered no 
houses to be burnt down ; permitted no ravages 
to be perpetrated on the property of the van- 
quished; and even gave one of his bravest officers 
a severe admonishment with his walking-staffj 
for having been detected in the act of sacking a 
hen-roost. 

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the 
inhabitants to submit to the authority of their High 
Mightinesses ; but declaring, with unexampled 
clemency, that whoever refused should be lodged 



A LIEUTENANT-GOVERNOR APPOINTED. 427 

at the public expense, in a goodly castle provided 
for the purpose, and have an armed retinue to wait 
on them in the bargain. In consequence of these 
beneficent terms, about thirty Swedes stepped 
manfully forward and took the oath of allegiance ; 
in reward for which they were graciously permitted 
to remain on the banks of the Delaware, where 
their descendants reside at this very day. But 1 
am told by divers observant travellers, that they 
have never been able to get over the chap-fallen 
looks of their ancestors, and do still unaccountably 
transmit from father to son manifest marks of the 
sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Amster- 
dammers. 

The wliole country of New-Sweden, having thus 
yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was 
reduced to a colony called South River, and placed 
under the superintendence of a lieutenant-gover- 
nor ; subject to the control of the supreme govern- 
ment at New- Amsterdam. This great dignitary 
was called Mynher William Beekman, or rather 
Beck-inan, who derived his surname, as did Ovi- 
dius Naso of yore, from the lordly dimensions of 
his nose, which projected from the centre of his 
countenance, like the beak of a parrot. He was 
the great progenitor of the tribe of the Beekmans, 
one of the most ancient and honourable families of 
the province, the members of which do gratefully 
commemorate the origin of their dignity, not as 
your noble families in England would do, by having 
a glowing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, 



428 PETER'S TRIUMPHANT RETURN. 

but by one and all wearing a right goodly nose, 
stuck in the very middle of their faces. 

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously ter- 
minated, with the loss of only two men, — Wolfert 
Van Home, a tall spare man, who was knocked 
overboard by the boom of a sloop in a flaw of 
wind ; and fat Brom Van Bummel, who was sud- 
denly carried off by an indigestion : both, however, 
were immortalized, as having bravely fallen in the 
service of their country. True it is, Peter Stuy- 
vesant had one of his limbs terribly fractured, 
being shattered to pieces in the act of storming 
the fortress ; but as it was fortunately his wooden 
leg, the wound was promptly and effectually 
healed. 

And now nothing remains to this branch of my 
history but to mention that this immaculate hero, 
and his victorious army, returned joyously to the 
Manhattoes, where they made a solemn and tri- 
umphant entry, bearing with them the conquered 
Risingh, and the remnant of his battered crew, 
who had refused allegiance : for it appears that 
the gigantic Swede had only fallen into a swoon, 
at the end of the battle, from whence he was 
speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of the 
nose. 

These captive heroes were lodged, according to 
the promise of the governor, at the public expense, 
in a fair and spacious castle ; being the prison of 
state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal 
conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appointed governor j 



FESTIVITY AT NEW-AMSTERDAM. 429 

and which has ever since remained in the pos- 
session of his descendants*. 

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness 
the joy of the people of New- Amsterdam, at be- 
holding their warriors once more return from this 

o 

war in the wilderness. The old women thronged 
round Antony Van Corlear, who gave the whole 
history of the campaign with matchless accuracy; 
saving that he took the credit of fighting the whole 
battle himself, and especially of vanquishing the 
stout Risingh, which he considered himself as 
clearly entitled to, seeing that it was effected by 
his own stone pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave 
holiday to their little urchins, who followed in 
droves after the drums, with paper caps on their 
heads, and sticks in their breeches, thus taking 
the first lesson in the art of war. As to the sturdy 
rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuy- 
vesant wherever he went, waving their greasy hats 
in the air, and shouting " Hard-koppig Piet for 



ever 



i'» 



It was indeed a day of roaring rout and jubilee. 
A huge dinner was prepared at the Stadthouse in 
honour of the conquerors, where were assembled 
in one glorious constellation the great and the 
little luminaries of New- Amsterdam. There were 



* This castle, though very much altered and modernized, is 
still in being, and stands at the corner of Pearl-street, facing 
Coentie's slip. 



430 PETER OBTAINS A SURNAME. 

the lordly Schout and his obsequious deputy — the 
Burgomasters with their officious Schepens at their 
elbows — the subaltern officers at the elbows of the 
Schepens, and so on, to the lowest hanger-on of 
police ; every Tag having his Rag at his side, to 
finish his pipe, drink off his heel-taps, and laugh 
at his flights of immortal dulness. In short — for 
a city feast is a city feast all the world over, and 
has been a city feast ever since the creation — the 
dinner went off much the same as do our great 
corporation junketings and fourth of July ban- 
quets. Loads offish, flesh, and fowl were devoured, 
oceans of liquor drank, thousands of pipes smoked, 
and many a dull joke honoured with much obstre- 
perous fat-sided laughter. 

I must not omit to mention, that to this far- 
famed victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for 
another of his many titles — for so hugely delighted 
were the honest burghers with his achievements, 
that they unanimously honoured him with the 
name of Pieter de Groodt, that is to say, Peter the 
Great, or as it was translated by the people of New- 
Amsterdam, Piet de Pig — an appellation which he 
maintained even unto the day of his death. 



431 



BOOK VII. 



CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE 

HEAnSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, 

AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 



CHAPTER I. 

Hoik Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign people from the 
burthen of taking care of the nation — ivith sundry particulars 
of his conduct in time of peace. 

The history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant 
furnishes a melancholy picture of the incessant 
cares and vexations inseparable from government, 
and may serve as a solemn warning to all who are 
ambitious of attaining the seat of power. Though 
crowned with victory, enriched by conquest, and 
returning in triumph to his metropolis, his exulta- 
tion was checked by beholding the sad abuses 
that had taken place during the short interval of 
his absence. 

The populace, unfortunately for their own 
comfort, had taken a deep draught of the in- 
toxicating cup of power during the reign of Wil- 
liam the Testy ; and though, upon the accession 
of Peter Stuyvesant, they felt, with a certain in- 
stinctive perception, which mobs as well as cattle 



432 POPULAR DISCONTENT. 

possess, that the reins of government had passed 
into stronger hands, yet could they not help fret- 
ting, and chafing, and champing upon the bit, in 
restive silence. 

It seems, by some strange and inscrutable fa- 
tality, to be the destiny of most countries (and 
more especially of your enlightened republics), 
always to be governed by the most incompetent 
man in the nation ; so that you will scarcely find 
an individual throughout the whole community 
who cannot point out innumerable errors in ad- 
ministration, and convince you in the end, that 
had he been at the head of affairs, matters would 
have gone on a thousand times more prosperously. 
Strange ! that government, which seems to be so 
generally understood, should invariably be so er- 
roneously administered — strange, that the talent 
of legislation, so prodigally bestowed, should be 
denied to the only man in the nation to whose 
station it is requisite! 

Thus it was in the present instance ; not a man 
of all the herd of pseudo-politicians in New-Am- 
sterdam but was an oracle on topics of state, and 
could have directed public affairs incomparably 
better than Peter Stuyvesant. But so severe was 
the old governor in his disposition, that he would 
never suffer one of the multitude of able counsellors 
by whom he was surrounded to intrude his advice, 
and save the country from destruction. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his ex- 
pedition against the Swedes, than the old factions 



POLITICAL FACTIONS. 4(.Sfil 

of William Kieft*s reign began to thrust their 
heads above water, and to gather together in 
political meetings, to discuss " the state of the 
nation." At these assemblages the busy burgo- 
masters and their officious schepens made a very- 
considerable figure. These worthy dignitaries 
were no longer the fat, well-fed, tranquil magi- 
strates that presided in the peaceful days of Wouter 
Van Twiller — On the contrary, being elected by 
the people, they formed in a manner a sturdy 
bulwark between the mob and the administration. 
They were great candidates for popularity, and 
strenuous advocates for the rights of the rabble ; 
resembling, in disinterested zeal, the wide-mouthed 
tribunes of ancient Rome, or those virtuous patriots 
of modern days, emphatically denominated " the 
friends of the people." 

Under the tuition of these profound politicians, 
it is astonishing how suddenly enlightened the 
swinish multitude became in matters above their 
comprehensions. Cobblers, tinkers, and tailolrs, 
all at once felt themselves inspired, like those re- 
ligious idiots in the glorious times of monkish illu- 
mination ; and without any previous study or ex- 
perience, became instantly capable of directing 
all the movements of government. Nor must I 
neglect to mention a number of superannuated, 
wrong-headed old burghers, who had come over 
when boys in the crew of the Goede Vrouw, and 
were held up as infallible oracles by the enlightened 
mob. To suppose that a man who liad helped to 

F F 



434 PETER'S DIGNIFED REPROOF 

discover a country did not know how it ought to 
be governed was preposterous in the extreme: it 
would have been deemed as much a heresy as at 
the present day to question the poHtical talents 
and universal infallibility of our old " heroes of 
'76** — and to doubt that he who liad fought for a 
government, however stupid he might naturally be, 
was not competent to fill any station under it. 

But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclina- 
tion to govern his province without the assistance 
of his subjects, he felt highly incensed, on his re- 
turn, to find the factious appearance they had 
assumed during his absence. His first measure, 
therefore, was to restore perfect order, by pro- 
strating the dignity of the sovereign people. 

He accordingly watched his opportunity, and one 
evening when the enlightened mob was gathered 
together, listening to a patriotic speech from an 
inspired cobbler, the intrepid Peter all at once 
appeared among them, with a countenance suf- 
ficient to petrify a millstone. The whole meeting 
was thrown into consternation — the orator seemed 
to have received a paralytic stroke in the very 
middle of a sublime sentence, and stood aghast 
with open mouth and trembling knees, while the 
words horror! tyranny! liberty! rights! taxes! 
death ! destruction! and a deluge of other patriotic 
phrases, came roaring from his throat before he 
had power to close his lips. The shrewd Peter 
took no notice of the skulking throng around him, 
but advancing to the brawling bully-ruffian, and 



TO A PATRIOTIC COBBLER, 435 

drawing out a huge silver watch, which might 
have served in times of yore as a town-clock, and 
which is still retained by his descendants as a 
family curiosity, requested the orator to mend it, 
and set it going. The orator humbly confessed 
it was utterly out of his power, as he was un- 
acquainted with the nature of its construction. 
" Nay, but," said Peter, " try your ingenuity, 
man : you see all the springs and wheels, and how 
easily the clumsiest hand may stop it, and pull it 
to pieces; and why should it not be equally easy 
to regulate as to stop it?" The orator declared 
that his trade was wholly different — that he was a 
poor cobbler, and had never meddled with a watch 
in his life — that there were men skilled in the art, 
whose business it was to attend to those matters j 
but for his part, he should only mar the workman- 
ship, and put the whole in confusion " Why 

harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, turning sud- 
denly upon him, with a countenance that almost 
petrified the patcher of shoes into a perfect lap- 
stone — " dost thou pretend to meddle with the 
movements of government — to regulate, and cor- 
rect, and patch and cobble a complicated machine, 
the principles of which are above thy comprehen- 
sion, and its simplest operations too subtle for thy 
understanding, when thou canst not correct a 
trifling error in a common piece of mechanism, the 
whole mystery of which is open to thy inspection? 
— Hence with thee to the leather and stone, which 
are emblems of thy head; cobble thy shoes, and 
confine thyself to the vocation for wliich heaven 

F F 2 



436 HIS TERRIFIC THREAT. 

has fitted thee — But," elevating his voice until it 
made the welkin ring, *' if ever I catcli thee, or 
any of thy tribe, meddling again with affairs of 
government, by St. Nicholas, but I'll have every 
mother's bastard of ye flea'd alive, and your hides 
stretched for drum-heads, that ye may thenceforth 
make a noise to some purpose!" 

This threat, and the tremendous voice in which 
it was uttered, caused the whole multitude to quake 
with fear. The hair of the orator arose on his 
head like his own swine's bristles, and not a knight 
of the thimble present but his heart died within 
him, and he felt as though he could have verily 
escaped through the eye of a needle. 

But though this measure produced the desired 
effect in reducing the community to order, yet it 
tended to injure the popularity of the great Peter 
among the enlightened vulgar. Many accused 
him of entertaining highly aristocratic sentiments, 
and of leaning too much in favour of the patricians. 
Indeed there appeared to be some ground for such 
an accusation, as he always carried himself with a 
very lofty, soldier-like port, and was somewhat 
particular in his dress ; dressing himself, when not 
in uniform, in simple, but rich apparel, and was 
especially noted for having his sound leg (which 
was a very comely one) always arrayed in a red 
stocking, and high-heeled shoe. Though a man 
of great simplicity of manners, yet there was some- 
thing about him that repelled rude familiarity, 
while it encouraged frank and even social inter- 
course. 



PETER'S COURT ETIQUETTE. 437 

He likewise observed some appearance of court 
ceremony and etiquette. He received the com- 
mon class of visitors on the stoo}^ * before his 
door, according to the custom of our Dutch an- 
cestors. But when visiters were formally received 
in his parlour, it was expected they would appear 
in clean linen ; by no means to be bare-footed, 
and always to take their hats off. On public oc- 
casions he appeared with great pomp of equipage, 
(for, in truth, his station required a little show and 
dignity), and always rode to church in a yellow 
waggon with flaming red wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony occa- 
sioned considerable discontent among the vulgar. 
They had been accustomed to find easy access to 
their former governors, and in particular had lived 
on terms of extreme familiarity with William the 
Testy. They therefore were very impatient of 
these dignified precautions, which discourage in- 
trusion. But Peter Stuyvesant had his own way 
of thinking in these matters, and was a stanch 
upholder of the dignity of office. 

He always maintained that government to be 
the least popular which is most open to popular 
access and control ; and that the very brawlers 
against court ceremony, and the reserve of men in 
power, would soon despise rulers among whom 
they found even themselves to be of consequence. 

* Properly spelled stoeb : the porch commonly built in front 
of Dutch houses, with benches on each side. 



4-38 MYSTERIES OF GOVERNMENT. 

Such, at least, had been the case with the admini- 
stration of William the Testy ; who, bent on mak- 
ing himself popular, had listened to every man's 
advice, suffered every body to have admittance to 
his person at all hours ; and, in a word, treated 
every one as his thorough equal. By this means 
every scrub politician and public busy-body was 
enabled to measure wits with him, and to find out 
the true dimensions, not only of his person, but 
his mind — And what great man can stand such 
scrutiny ? — It is the mystery that envelops great 
men that gives them half their greatness. We are 
always inclined to think highly of those who hold 
themselves aloof from our examination. There is 
likewise a kind of superstitious reverence for office, 
which leads us to exaggerate the merits and abili- 
ties of men in power, and to suppose that they 
must be constituted different from other men. 
And, indeed, faith is as necessary in politics as in 
religion. It certainly is of the first importance 
that a country should be governed by wise men — 
but then it is almost equally important that the 
people should believe them to be wise; for this 
belief alone can produce willing subordination. 

To keep up, therefore, this desirable confidence 
in rulers, the people should be allowed to see as 
little of them as possible. He who gains access to 
cabinets soon finds out by what foolishness the 
world is governed. He discovers that there is 
quackery in legislation, as well as in every thing 
else ; that many a measure, which is supposed by the 



PETER LOOKED TO WITH REVERENCE. 439 

million to be the result of great wisdom and deep 
deliberation, is the effect of mere chance, or per- 
haps of hare-brained experiment — That rulers have 
their whims and errors as well as other men, and 
after all are not so wonderfully superior to their 
fellow creatures as he at first imagined ; since he 
finds that even his own opinions have had some 
weight with them. Thus awe subsides into con- 
fidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and fami- 
liarity produces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on 
the contrary, by conducting himself with dignity 
and loftiness, was looked up to with great re- 
verence. As he never gave his reasons for any thing 
he did, the public always gave him credit for very 
])rofound ones — Every movement, however intrin- 
sically unimportant, was a matter of speculation; 
and his very red stocking excited some respect, as 
being different from the stockings of other men. 

To these times may we refer the rise of family 
pride and aristocratic distinctions*; and indeed I 
cannot but look back with reverence to the early 
planting of those mighty Dutch families, which 
have taken such vigorous root, and branched out 
so luxuriantly in our state. The blood which has 
fioweddown uncontaminated through a succession 

* In a work published many years after the time here treated 
of, (in 1701, by C. W. A. M.) it is mentioned that Frederick 
Phihpse was counted the richest Mynher in New- York, and 
was said to have xi^hole hogsheads of Indian ynoney or tvampiun; 
and had a son and daughter, who, according to the Dutch cus- 
tom, should divide it equally. 



440 FAMILY PRIDE. 

of Steady, virtuous generations, since the times of 
the patriarchs of Communipaw, must certainly be 
pure and worthy. And if so, then are the Van 
Rensellaers, the Van Zandts, the Van Homes, the 
Rutgers, the Bensons, the BrinkerhofFs, the Scher- 
merhorns, and all the true descendants of the an- 
cient Pavonians, the only legitimate nobility and 
real lords of the soil. 

I have been led to mention thus particularly 
the well authenticated claims of our genuine 
Dutch families, because I have noticed with great 
sorrow and vexation, that they have been some- 
what elbowed aside in latter days, by foreign in- 
truders. It is really astonishing to behold how 
many great families have sprung up of late years, 
who pride themselves excessively on the score of 
ancestry. Thus he who can look up to his father 
without humiliation assumes not a little import- 
ance — he who can safely talk of his grandfather 
is still more vain-glorious — but he who can look 
back to his great grandfather without blushing is 
absolutely intolerable in his pretensions to family, 
^Bless us ! what a piece of work is here, between 
these mushrooms of an hour and these mushrooms 
of a day! 

But from what I have recounted in the former 
part of this chapter, I would not have my reader 
imagine that the great Peter was a tyrannical 
governor, ruling his subjects with a rod of iron — 
on the contrary, where the dignity of authority 
was not implicated, he abounded with generosity 



CUSTOM OF CRACKING EGGS. 441 

and courteous condescension. In fact, he really 
believed, though I fear my more enlightened re- 
publican readers will consider it a proof of his 
ignorance and illiberality, that in preventing the 
cup of social life from being dashed with the in- 
toxicating ingredient of politics, he promoted the 
tranquillity and happiness of the people^ — and by 
detaching their minds from subjects which they 
could not understand, and which only tended to 
inflame their passions, he enabled them to attend 
more faithfully and industriously to their proper 
callings ; becoming more useful citizens, and more 
attentive to their families and fortunes. 

So far from having any unreasonable austerity, 
he delighted to see the poor and the labouring 
man rejoice, and for this purpose was a great pro- 
moter of holidays and public amusements. Under 
his reign was first introduced the custom of crack- 
ing eggs at Paas or Easter. New-year's day was 
also observed with extravagant festivity — and 
ushered in by the ringing of bells and firing of 
guns. Every house was a temple to the jolly god 
— Oceans of cherry-brandy, true Hollands, and 
mulled cyder, were set afloat on the occasion ; and 
not a poor man in town but made it a point to 
get drunk, out of a principle of pure economy — 
taking in liquor enough to serve him for half a 
year afterwards. 

It would have done one's heart good also to 
have seen the valiant Peter, seated among the old 
burghers and their wives of a Saturday afternoon. 



44'2 EXHIBITION BY A YOUNG VROUW. 

under the great trees that spread their shade over 
the Battery, watching the young men and women 
as they danced on the green. Here he would 
smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the 
rugged toils of war in the sweet oblivious fes- 
tivities of peace. He would occasionally give a 
nod of approbation to those of the young men 
who shuffled and kicked most vigorously, and now 
and then give a hearty smack, in all honesty of 
soul, to the buxom lass that held out longest, and 
tired down all her competitors, which he consi- 
dered as infallible proofs of her being the best 
dancer. Once, it is true, the harmony of the 
meeting was rather interrupted. A young vrouw, 
of great figure in the gay world, and who, having 
lately come from Holland, of course led the fashions 
in the city, made her appearance in not more than 
half a dozen petticoats, and these too of most 
alarming shortness. An universal whisper ran 
through the assembly ; the old ladies all felt 
shocked in the extreme ; the young ladijes blushed, 
and felt excessively for the " poor thing,'* and 
even the governor himself was observed to be a 
little troubled in mind. To complete the asto- 
nishment of the good folks, she undertook, in 
the course of a jig, to describe some astonishing 
figures in algebra, which she had learned from a 
dancing-master at Rotterdam. — Whether she was 
too animated in flourishing her feet, or whether 
some vagabond zephyr took the liberty of ob- 
truding his services, certain it is, that in the course 



PETER'S MODESTY SHOCKED. 443 

of a grand evolution, which would not have dis- 
graced a modern ball-room, she made a most un- 
expected display — whereat the whole assembly 
was thrown into great admiration, several grave 
country members were not a little moved, and 
the good Peter himself, who was a man of un- 
paralleled modesty, felt himself grievously scan- 
dalized. 

The shortness of the female dresses, which had 
continued in fashion ever since the days of Wil- 
liam Kieft, had long offended his eye ; and though 
extremely averse to meddling with the petticoats 
of the ladies, yet he immediately recommended 
that every one should be furnished with a flounce 
to the bottom. He likewise ordered that the 
ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, should use no 
other step in dancing than shuffle and turn, and 
double trouble ; and forbade, under pain of his 
high displeasure, any young lady thenceforth to 
attempt what was termed " exhibiting the graces." 

These were the only restrictions he ever im- 
posed upon the sex, and these were considered 
by them as tyrannical oppressions, and resisted 
with that becoming spirit always manifested by 
the gentle sex whenever their privileges are in- 
vaded — In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly per- 
ceived, that if he attempted to push the matter 
any further, there was danger of their leaving oft' 
petticoats altogether ; so like a wise man, expe- 
rienced in the ways of women, he held his peace, 
and suffered them ever after to wear their petti- 
coats and cut their caj)ers as high as they })leased. 



444 



BEFLECTIONS. 



CHAPTER II. 

How Peter Sluyvesant xvas much molested by the moss-lroojjcrs of 
the East, and the Giants of Merryland — mid lioxjo a dark and 
horrid conspiracy was carried on in the Britislt Cabinet against 
the 'prosperity of the Manhattoes. 

We are now approaching towards the crisis ol" 
our work, and if I be not mistaken in my fore- 
bodings, we shall have a world of business to 
despatch in the ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities as it is with certain 
meddlesome individuals, they have a wonderful 
facility at getting into scrapes ; and I have always 
remarked that tliose are most liable to get in who 
have the least talent at getting out again. This 
is, doubtless, owing to the excessive valour of 
those states; for I have likewise noticed that this 
rampant and ungovernable quality is always most 
unruly where most confined ; which accounts for 
its vapouring so amazingly in little states, little 
men, and ugly little women especially. 

Thus, when one reflects that the province of 
the Manhattoes, though of prodigious importance 
in the eyes of its inhabitants and its historian, was 
really of no very great consequence in the eyes 
of the rest of the world ; that it had but little 
wealth or other spoils to reward the trouble of 



BORDER HOSTILITIES. 445 

assailing it ; and that it had nothing to expect from 
running wantonly into war, save an exceeding 
good beating — On pondering these things, I say, 
one would utterly despair of finding in its history 
either battles or bloodshed, or any other of those 
calamities which give importance to a nation, and 
entertainment to the reader. But, on the con- 
trary, we find, so valiant is this province, that it 
has already drawn upon itself a host of enemies ; 
has had as many buffetings as would gratify the 
ambition of the most warlike nation ; and is, in 
sober sadness, a very forlorn, distressed, and woe- 
begone little province ! — all which was, no doubt, 
kindly ordered by Providence, to give interest and 
sublimity to this pathetic history. 

But I forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful 
maraudings and harassments, that for a long while 
after the victory on the Delaware continued to 
insult the dignity and disturb the repose of the 
Nederlanders. Suffice it in brevity to say, that 
the implacable hostility of the people of the east, 
which had so miraculously been prevented from 
breaking out, as my readers must remember, by 
the sudden prevalence of witchcraft, and the dis- 
sensions in the council of Amphyctions, now again 
displayed itself in a thousand grievous and bitter 
scourings upon the borders. 

Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch 
settlements on the frontiers were alarmed by the 
sudden appearance of an invading army from 
Connecticut. This would advance resolutely 



446 INVASIONS FROM CONNECTICUT. 

through the country, like a puissant caravan of 
the deserts, the women and children mounted in 
carts loaded with pots and kettles, as though they 
meant to boil the honest Dutchmen alive, and 
devour them like so many lobsters. At the tail 
of these carts would stalk a crew of long-limbed, 
lank-sided varlets, with axes on their shoulders 
and packs on their backs, resolutely bent upon 
improvmg the country in despite of its proprietors. 
These settling themselves down would in a short 
time completely dislodge the unfortunate Neder- 
landers ; elbowing them out of those rich bottoms 
and fertile valleys, in which our Dutch yeomanry 
are so famous for nestling themselves — For it is 
notorious, that wherever these shrewd men of the 
east get a footing, the honest Dutchmen do gra- 
dually disappear, retiring slowly, like the Indians 
before the whites ; being totally discomfited by 
the talking, chaffering, swapping, bargaining dis- 
position of their new neighbours. 

All these audacious infringements on the ter- 
ritories of their High Mightinesses were accom- 
panied, as has before been hinted, by a world of 
rascally brawls, ribroastings and bundlings, which 
would doubtless have incensed the valiant Peter 
to wreak immediate chastisement, had he not at 
the very same time been perplexed by distressing 
accounts from Mynher Beckman, who commanded 
the territories at South river. 

The restless Swedes, who had so graciously 
been suffered to remain about the Delaware, al- 



PENDAL'S ROARING BOYS. 447 

ready began to show signs of mutiny and disaffec- 
tion. But what was worse, a peremptory claim 
was laid to the whole territory, as the rightful 
propertyof Lord Baltimore, by Feudal, a chieftain 
who ruled over the colony of Maryland, or Merry- 
land, as it was anciently called, because that the 
inhabitants, not having the fear of the Lord before 
their eyes, were notoriously prone to get fuddled 
and make merry with mint julep and apple toddy. 
Nay, so hostile was this bully Feudal, that he 
threatened, unless his claim were instantly com- 
plied with, to march incontinently at the head of 
a potent force of the roaring boys of Merryland, 
together with a great and mighty train of giants, 
who infested the banks of the Susquehanna * — 
and to lay waste and depopulate the whole country 
of South river. 

By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, 



* We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these 
strange people (who were doubtless the ancestors of the present 
Marylanders) made by Master Hariot, in his interesting history. 
" The Susquesahanocks" — observes he — " area giantly people, 
strange in proportion, behaviour, and attire — their voice sound- 
ing from them as if out a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were 
three-quarters of a yard long, carved at the great end with a 
bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the braines of 
a horse (and how many asses braines are beaten out, or rather 
men's braines smoked out, and asses braines haled in, by our 
lesser pipes at home). The calfe of one of their legges 
measured three-quarters of a yard about, the rest of his limbs 
proportionable." 

Master Hariot's Journ. Purch. Pil. 



448 DANGER OF EXTENDED CONQUESTS. 

like all great acquisitions of territory, soon became 
a greater evil to the conqueror than the loss of it 
was to the conquered ; and caused greater un- 
easiness and trouble than all the territory of the 
New-Netherlands besides. Thus Providence wisely 
orders that one evil shall balance another. The 
conqueror who wrests the property of his neigh- 
bour, who wrongs a nation and desolates a country, 
though he may acquire increase of empire, and 
immortal fame, yet ensures his own inevitable 
punishment. He takes to himself a cause of end- 
less anxiety — he incorporates with his late sound 
domain a loose part — a rotten disaffected mem- 
ber; which is an exhaustless source of internal 
treason and disunion, and external altercation and 
hostility — Happy is that nation, which, compact, 
united, loyal in all its parts, and concentrated in 
its strength, seeks no idle acquisition of unprofit- 
able and ungovernable territory — which, content 
to be prosperous and happy, has no ambition to 
be great. It is like a man well organized in his 
system, sound in health, and full of vigour ; un- 
incumbered by useless trappings, and fixed in an 
unshaken attitude. But the nation insatiable of 
territory, whose domains are scattered, feebly 
united, and weakly organized, is like a senseless 
miser sprawling among golden stores, open to 
every attack, and unable to defend the riches he 
vainly endeavours to overshadow. 

At the time of receiving the alarming despatches 
from South river, the great Peter was busily em- 



DECEITFUL CALM IN THE SOUTH. 44^ 

ployed in quelling certain Indian troubles that had 
broken out about Esopus, and was moreover medi- 
tating how to relieve his eastern borders on the 
Connecticut. He, however, sent word to Mynher 
Beckman to be of good heart, to maintain inces- 
sant vigilance, and to let^him know if matters 
wore a more threatening appearance ; in which 
case he would incontinently repair with his war- 
riors of the Hudson, to spoil the merriment of 
these Merry -landers ; for he coveted exceedingly 
to have a bout, hand to hand, with some half a 
score of these giants — having never encountered a 
giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the 
stout Risingh, and he was but a little one. 

Nothing further, however, occurred to molest 
the tranquillity of Mynher Beckman and his colony. 
Fendal and his myrmidons remained at home, 
carousing it soundly upon hoe cakes, bacon, and 
mint julep, and running horses, and fighting cocks, 
for which they were greatly renowned. At hear- 
ing of this Peter Stuyvesant was very well pleased, 
for notwithstanding his inclination to measure 
weapons with these monstrous men of the Susque- 
hanna, yet he had already as much employment 
nearer home as he could turn his hands to. Little 
did he think, worthy soul, that this southern calm 
Was but the deceitful prelude to a most terrible 
and fatal storm, then brewing, which was soon to 
burst forth and overwhelm the unsuspecting city 
of New- Amsterdam ! 

Now so it was, that while this excellent governor 

G G 



450 THE BRITISH CABINET PREPARE 

was giving his little senate laws, and not only 
giving them, but enforcing them too — while he 
was incessantly travelling the rounds of his be- 
loved province — posting from place to place to 
redress grievances, and while busy at one corner 
of his dominions, all the rest getting into an uproar 
— At this very time, I say, a dark and direful plot 
was hatching against him, in that nursery of mon- 
strous projects, the British cabinet. The news of 
his achievements on the Delaware, according to 
a sage old historian of New- Amsterdam, had occa- 
'^ioned not a little talk and marvel in the courts of 
Europe. And the same profound writer assures 
us that the cabinet of England began to entertaia 
great jealousy and uneasiness at the increasing 
power of the Manhattoes, and the valour of its 
sturdy yeomanry. 

Agents, the same historian observes, were sent 
biy the Amphyctionic council of the east, to entreat 
the assistance of the British cabinet in subjugating 
this mighty province. Lord Sterling also asserted 
his right to Long-Island, and, at the same time. 
Lord Baltimore, whose agent, as has before been, 
mentioned, had so alarmed Mynher Beckman, laid 
his claim before the cabinet to the lands of South 
river, which he complained were unjustly and 
forcibly detained from him by these daring usurpers^ 
of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. 

Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhat- 
toes stand in imminent danger of experiencing the 
fate of Poland, and being torn linib from limb to 



TO INVADE NEW-AMSTERDAM. 451 

be shared among its savage neighbours. But while 
these rapacious powers were whetting their fangs, 
and waiting for the signal to fall tooth and nail 
upon this delicious little fat Dutch empire, the 
lordly lion, who sat as umpire, all at once settled 
the claims of all parties, by laying his own paw 
upon the spoil : for we are told that his majesty, 
€harles the second, not to be perplexed by adjusting 
these several pretensions, made a present of a large 
tract of North- America, including the province of 
New-Netherlands, to his brother, the Duke of 
York— a donation truly royal, since none but great 
monarchs have a right to give away what does not 
belong to them. 

That this munificent gift might not be merely 
nominal, his majesty, on the 12th of March, 1664, 
ordered that an armament should be forthwith 
prepared to invade the city of New- Amsterdam 
by land and water, and put his brother in complete 
possession of the premises. 

Thus critically are situated the affairs of the 
New-Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so far 
from thinking of the jeopardy in which their in- 
terests are placed, are soberly smoking their pipes, 
and thinking of nothing at all — the privy counsel- 
lors of the province are at this moment snoring in 
full quorum, while the active Peter, who takes all 
the labour of thinking and acting upon himself, is 
busily devising some method of bringing the grand 
council of Amphyctions to terms. In the mean 
while an angry cloud is darkly scowling on the 

G g2 



4*52 THE AUTHOR SOUNDS A CHARGE. 

horizon — soon shall it rattle about the ears of these 
dozing Nederlanders, and put the mettle of their 
stout-hearted governor completely to the trial. 

But come what may, I here pledge my veracity 
that in all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, 
he shall still acquit himself with the gallant bear- 
ing and spotless honour of a noble-minded, obsti- 
nate old cavalier — Forward then to the charge! — 
shine out, propitious stars, on the renowned city of 
the Manhattoes ; and may the blessing of St. Ni- 
cholas go with thee — honest Peter Stuyvesant ! 



ADVERSITY THE CAUSE OF GLORY. 453 



CHAPTER III. 

Of Peter Stiiyvesanfs expedition into the East Country, showing 
that, though an old bird, he did not understand trap. 

Great nations resemble great men in this par- 
ticular, that their greatness is seldom known until 
they get in trouble ; adversity, therefore, has been 
wisely denominated the ordeal of true greatness, 
which, like gold, can never receive its real estima- 
tion until it has passed through the furnace. In 
proportion, therefore, as a nation, a community, 
or an individual (possessing the inherent quality of 
greatness) is involved in perils and misfortunes, in 
proportion does it rise in grandeur^ — and even 
when sinking under calamity, makes, like a house 
on fire, a more glorious display than ever it did 
in the fairest period of its prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming with 
population and imbibing and concentrating the 
wealth of nations, has vegetated through a succes- 
sion of drowsy ages ; and were it not for its internal 
revolution, and the subversion of its ancient govern- 
ment by the Tartars, might have presented nothing 
but an uninteresting detail of dull, monotonous 
prosperity. Pompeia and Herculaneum might 
have passed into oblivion, with a herd of their 
contemporaries, if they had not been fortunately 
overwhelmed by a volcano. The renowned city 



454 IMPORTANCE OF CALAMITIES. 

of Troy has acquired celebrity only from its ten 
years distress, and final conflagration — Paris rises 
in importance by the plots and massacres which 
have ended in the exaltation of the illustrious Na- 
poleon — and even the mighty London itself has 
skulked through the records of time, celebrated 
for nothing of moment excepting the plague, the 
great fire, and Guy Faux*s gunpowder plot! Thus 
cities and empires seem to creep along, enlarging 
in silent obscurity under the pen of the historian, 
until at length they burst forth in some tremendous 
calamity — and snatch, as it were, immortality from 
the explosion ! 

The above principle being admitted, my reader 
will plainly perceive that the city of New- Amster- 
dam and its dependent province are on the high 
road to greatness. Dangers and hostilities threaten 
from every side, and it is really a matter of astonish- 
ment to me how so small a state has been able, in 
so short a time, to entangle itself in so many dif- 
ficulties. Ever since the province was first taken 
by the nose, at the Fort of Good Hope, in the 
tranquil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been 
gradually increasing in historic importance ; and 
never could it have had a more appropriate chief- 
tain to conduct it to the pinnacle of grandeur than 
Peter Stuyvesant. 

In the fiery heart of this iron-headed old warrior 
sat enthroned all those five kinds of courage de- 
scribed by Aristotle; and had the philosopher men- 
tioned five hundred more to the back of them, I 
verily believe he would have been found master 



PETER'S ROMANTIC RESOLUTION. 455 

of them all — The only misfortune was, that he was 
deficient in the better part of valour called dis- 
cretion, a cold-blooded virtue, which could not 
exist in the tropical climate of his mighty soul. 
Hence it was he was continually hurrying into 
those unheard-of enterprises that give an air of 
chivalric romance to all his history, and hence it 
was that he now conceived a project worthy of 
the hero of La Mancha himself. 

This was no other than to repair in person to the 
great council of the Amphyctions, bearing the 
sword in one hand and the olive-branch in the 
other— to require immediate reparation for the 
innumerable violations of that treaty which in an 
evil hour he had formed — to put a stop to those 
repeated maraudings on the eastern borders — or 
else to throw his gauntlet and appeal to arms for 
satisfaction. 

On declaring this resolution in his privy coun- 
cil, the venerable members were seized with vast 
astonishment : for once in their lives they ventured 
to remonstrate, setting forth the rashness of ex- 
posing his sacred person, in the midst of a strange 
and barbarous people, with sundry other weighty 
remonstrances — all which had about as much in- 
fluence upon the determination of the headstrong 
Peter as though you were to endeavour to turn a 
rusty weathercock with a broken^winded bellows. 

Summoning therefore to his presence his trusty 
follower, Antony Van Corlear, he commanded him 
to hold himself in readiness to accompany him the 
following morning on this his hazardous enter- 



456 HE SETTETH FORTH, 

prise. Now Antony the trumpeter was a little 
stricken in years, yet by dint of keeping up a good 
Iieart, and having never known care or sorrow 
(having never been married) he was still a hearty, 
jocund, rubicund, gamesome wag, and of great 
capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed to 
his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook, 
•which Peter Stuyvesant had granted to him for 
his gallantry at Fort Casimir. 

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more 
deliglited Antony than this command of the great 
Peter, for he could have followed the stout-hearted 
old governor to the world's end, with love and 
loyalty — and he moreover still remembered the 
frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, and other 
disports of the east country, and entertained dainty 
recollection of numerous kind and buxom lasses, 
whom he longed exceedingly again to encounter. 

Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set forth, 
with no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon 
one of the most perilous enterprises ever recorded 

in the annals of knight-errantry For a single 

warrior to venture openly among a whole nation of 
foes — but, above all, for a plain downright Dutch- 
man to think of negotiating with the whole coun- 
cil of New-England — never was there known a 
more desperate undertaking ! — Ever since I have 
entered upon the chronicles of this peerless but 
hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, has he kept me in 
a state of incessant action and anx-iety with the 
toils and dangers he is constantly encountering — 
Oh ! for a chapter of the tranquil reign of Wouter 



ATTENDED BY VAN CORLEAR. 4^7 

Van Twiller, that I might repose on it as on a 
feather bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have 
once ah-eady rescued thee from the machinations 
of these terrible Amphyctions, by bringing the 
whole powers of witchcraft to thine aid ? — Is it 
not enough, that I have followed thee undaunted, 
like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid 
battle of fort Christina ? — That I have been put 
incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe and 
sound — now warding off with my single pen the 
shower of dastard blows that fell upon thy rear — 
now narrowly shielding thee from a deadly thrust, 
by a mere tobacco-box — now casing thy dauntless 
skull with adamant, when even thy stubborn ram 
beaver failed to resist the sword of the stout Ri- 
singh — and now, not merely bringing thee off alive, 
but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic 
Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone 
pottle ? — Is not all this enough, but must thou still 
be plunging into new difficulties and jeopardizing 
in headlong enterprises, thyself, thy trumpeter, 
and thy. historian ? 

And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom 
chambermaid, draws aside the sable curtains of 
the night, and out bounces from his bed the jolly 
red-haired Phoebus, startled at being caught so late 
in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With many a 
stable oath he harnesses his brazen-footed steeds, 
and whips, and lashes, and splashes up the firma- 
ment, like a loitering post-boy, half an hour behind 
his time. And now behold that imp of fame and 



458 PETER'S CHARGER, AND ANTONY'S MARE. 

prdwess the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw- 
boned, switch-tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in 
full regimentals, and bracing on his thigh that 
trusty brass-hilted sword, which had wrought such 
fearful deeds on the banks of the Delaware. 

Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter* 
Van Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall- 
eyed, calico mare ; his stone pottle, which had laid 
low the mighty Risingh, slung under his arm; and 
his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his right hand^ 
decorated with a gorgeous banner, on which is 
emblazoned the great beaver of the Manhattoes. 
See them proudly issuing out of the city gate, like 
an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faithful squire 
at his heels ; the populace following them with their 
eyes, and shouting many a parting wish and hearty 
cheering. — Farewell, Hard-koppig Piet ! Farewell, 
honest Antony ! — Pleasant be your way-faring-— 
prosperous your return ! The stoutest hero that 
fever drew a sword, and the worthiest trumpeter 
that ever trod shoe-leather. 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events 
that befel our adventurers in this their adven- 
turous travel, excepting the Stuyvesant Manuscript, 
which gives the substance of a pleasant little heroic 
poem, written on the occasion by Domini ^gidius 
Luyck*, who appears to have been the poet-laureat 



* This Luyck was moreover rector of the Latin School in 
Nieuw-Nederlandt, 1663. There are two pieces addressed to 
JEgidius Luyck in D. Selyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his mar- 
riage with Judith Isendoorn. Old. MS. 



THEIR PERILOUS PRpGRESS. 459 

of New- Amsterdam. This inestimable manuscript 
assures us, that it was a rare spectacle to behold 
the great Peter and his loyal follower hailing the 
morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear counter 
nance of nature, as they pranced it through the 
pastoral scenes of Bloemen Dael* ; which, in those 
days, was a sweet and rural valley, beautified with 
many a bright wild flower, refreshed bj' many a 
pure streamlet, and enlivened here and there by a 
delectable little Dutch cottage, sheltered under" 
some sloping hill, and almost buried in emboweringr 
trees. 

Now did they enter upon the confines of Con- 
necticut, where they encountered many grievous 
difficulties and perils. At one place they were 
assailed by a troop of country squires and militia 
colonels, who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung 
upon their rear for several miles, harassing them 
exceedingly with guesses and questions, more 
especially the worthy Peter, whose silver chased leg 
excited not a little marvel. At another place, hard 
by the renowned town of Stamford, they were set 
upon by a great and mighty legion of church dea- 
cons, who imperiously demanded of them five shil- 
lings, for travelling on Sunday, and threatened 
to carry them captive to a neighbouring church, 
whose steeple peered above the trees ; but these 
the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, 
insomuch that they bestrode their canes and gal- 

* Now called Blooming Dale, about four miles from New- 
York. 



460 HOW THEY WERE RECEIVED 

lopped off in horrible confusion, leaving their 
cocked hats behind in the hurry of their flight. 
But not so easily did he escape from the hands of a 
crafty man of Pyquag ; who, with undaunted per- 
severance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargained 
him out of his goodly switch-tailed charger, leav- 
ing in place thereof a villanous, foundered Nara- 
ganset pacer. 

But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued 
their journey cheerily along the course of the soft 
flowing Connecticut, whose gentle waves, says the 
song, roll through many a fertile vale and sunny 
plain ; now reflecting the lofty spires of the bus- 
tling city, and now the rural beauties of the humble 
hamlet ; now echoing with the busy hum of com- 
merce, and now with the cheerful song of the 
peasant. 

At every town Vv^ould Peter Stuyvesant, who 
was noted for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy 
Antony to sound a courteous salutation ; though 
the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants were 
thrown into great dismay when they heard of his 
approach. For the fame of his incomparable 
achievements on the Delaware had spread through- 
out the east country, and they dreaded lest he had 
come to take vengeance on their manifold trans- 
gressions. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns 
with a smiling aspect ; waving his hand with in- 
expressible majesty and condescension; for he 
verily believed that the old clothes which these in- 



WITH JOY AND ADMIRATION. 461 

genious people had thrust into their broken win- 
dows, and the festoons of dried apples and peaches 
which ornamented the fronts of their houses, were 
so many decorations in honour of his approach ; 
as it was the custom in the days of chivalry to 
compliment renowned heroes by sumptuous dis- 
plays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The 
women crowded to the doors to gaze upon him as 
he passed, so much does prowess in arms delight 
the gentle sex. The little children, too, ran after 
him in troops, staring with wonder at his regi- 
mentals, his brimstone breeches, and the silver 
garniture of his wooden leg. Nor must I omit to 
mention the joy which many strapping wenches 
betrayed, at beholding the jovial Van Corlear, who 
had whilom delighted them so much with his 
trumpet, when he bore the great Peter's challenge 
to the Amphyctions. The kind-hearted Antony 
alighted from his calico mare, and kissed them all 
with infinite loving-kindness — and was right pleased 
to see a crew of little trumpeters crowding around 
him for his blessing ; each of whom he patted on 
the head, bade him be a good boy, and gave him a 
penny to buy molasses candy. 

The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little fur- 
ther mention of the governor's adventures upon 
this expedition, excepting that he was received 
with extravagant courtesy and respect by the great 
council of the Amphyctions, who almost talked 
him to death with complimentary and congratu- 
latory harangues. I will not detain my readers by 



4GS PETER'S ilEGOTiAT^ONS. 

dwelling on his negotiations with the grand coun- 
cil. Suffice it to mention, it was like all other 
negotiations — a great deal was said, and very little 
done : one conversation led to another— one con- 
ference begat misunderstandings which it took a 
dozen conferences to explain ; at the end of whicli 
the parties found themselves just where they were 
at first — excepting that they had entangled them- 
selves in a host of questions of etiquette, and con- 
ceived a cordial distrust of each other, that rerf- 
dered their future negotiations ten times more 
difficult than ever*. 

In the midst of all these perplexities, which 
bewildered the brain and incensed the ire of the 
sturdy Peter, who was perhaps of all men in the 
world least fitted for diplomatic wiles, he privately 
received the first intimation of the dark con- 
spiracy which had been matured in the cabinet 
of England. To this was added the astounding 
intelligence that a hostile squadron had already 
sailed from England, destined to reduce the pro- 
vince of New-Netherlands, and that the grand 
council of Amphyctions had engaged to co-operate, 
by sending a great army to invade New-Amsterdam 
by land. 

Unfortunate Peter! did I not enter with sad 
forebodings upon this ill-starred expedition ? did 

* For certain of the particulars of this ancient negotiation see 
Haz. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith is entirely silent 
with respect to this memorable expedition of Peter Stuyvesant. 



HIS IMMINENT JEOPARDY. 



^3 



I not tremble when I saw thee, with no other 
counsellor but thine own head, with no other 
armour but an honest tongue, a spotless con- 
science, and a rusty sword? with no other pro- 
tector but St. Nicholas— and no other attendant 
but a trumpeter — did I not tremble when I beheld 
thee thus sally forth to contend with all the 
knowing powers of New-England? 

Oh, how did the sturdy old warrior rage and 
roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like 
a lion in the hunter's toil ! Now did he determine 
to draw his trusty sword, and manfully to fight his 
way through all the countries of the east. Now 
did he resolve to break in upon the council of the 
Amphyctions, and put every mother's son of them 
to death. At length, as his direful wrath sub- 
sided, he resorted to safer though less glorious 
expedients. 

Concealing from the council his knowledge of 
their machinations, he privately despatched a 
trusty messenger, with missives, to his counsellors 
at New-Amsterdam, apprising them of the im- 
pending danger, commanding them immediately to 
put the city in a posture of defence, while in the 
mean time he would endeavour to elude his ene- 
mies, and come to their assistance. This done, 
he felt himself marvellously relieved, rose slowly, 
shook himself like a rhinoceros, and issued forth 
from his den, in much the same manner as Giant 
Despair is described to have issued from Doubting 
Castle, in the chivalric history of the Pilgrim's 
Progress. 



464 



NEW-AMSTERDAM IN AN UPROAR. 



And now much does it grieve me that I must 
leave the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy : 
but it behoves us to hurry back and see what is 
going on at New-Amsterdam, for greatly do I fear 
that city is already in a turmoil. Such was ever 
the fate of Peter Stuyvesant ; while doing one 
thing with heart and soul, he was too apt to leave 
every thing else at sixes and sevens. While, like 
a potentate of yore, he was absent attending to 
those things in person, which in modern days are 
trusted to generals and ambassadors, his little ter- 
ritory at home was sure to get in an uproar — All 
which was owing to that uncommon strength of 
intellect, which induced him to trust to nobody 
but himself, and which had acquired him the re- 
nowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong. 



UPROAR OF WAR. 465 



CHAPTER IV. 

How the people of Nezv- Amsterdam ivere fhrotvn into a great 
panic, hy the netos of a threatened invasion, and the manner in 
which they fortijied themselves. 

There is no sight more truly interesting to a 
philosopher tlian to contemplate a community, 
where every individual has a voice in public 
affairs, where every individual thinks himself the 
Atlas of the nation, and where every individual 
thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good of 
his country — I say, there is nothing more inte- 
resting to a philosopher than to see such a com- 
munity in a sudden bustle of war. Such a clamour 
of tongues — such a bawling of patriotism — such 
running hither and thither — every body in a 
hurry — every body up to the ears in trouble — 
every body in the way, and every body interrupt- 
ing his industrious neighbour — who is busily em- 
ployed in doing nothing ! It is like witnessing 
a great fire, where every man is at work like 
a hero — some dragging about empty engines — 
others scampering with lull buckets, and spill- 
ing the contents into the -boots of their neigh- 
bours — and others ringing the church bells all 
night, by way of putting out the fire. Little 
firemen — like sturdy little knights storming a 

H II 



4<C)(] ALL IN A BUSTLE. 

breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders, 
and bawling through tin trumpets, by way of 
directing the attack. — Here one busy fellow, in his 
great zeal to save the property of the unfor- 
tunate, catches up an anonymous chamber uten- 
sil, and gallants it off with an air of as much 
self-importance as if he liad rescued a pot of 
money — another throws looking-glasses and china 
out of the window, to save them from the flames — 
while those who can do nothing else to assist 
the great calamity run up and down the streets 
with open throats, keeping up an incessant cry of 
Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 

** When the news arrived at Sinope,'* says the 
grave and profound Lucian — though I own the 
story is rather trite, " that Philip was about to 
attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into 
violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms; 
others rolled stones to build up the walls — every 
body, in short, was employed, and every body was 
in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone was 
the only man who could find nothing to do — 
whereupon, determining not to be idle when the 
welfare of his country was at stake, he tucked up 
his robe, and fell to rolling his tub with might 
and main up and down the Gymnasium." In like 
manner did every mother's son in the patriotic 
community of New- Amsterdam, on receiving the 
missives of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most 
mightily in putting things in confusion, and assist- 
ing the general uproar. *' Every man" — saith 



PANIC AT NEW- AMSTERDAM.' 467 

the Stuyvesant Manuscript — *' flew to arms !" — 
by which is meant, that not one of our honest 
Dutch citizens would venture to church or to 
market without an old-fashioned spit of a sword 
dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling- 
piece on his shoulder — nor would he go out of a 
night without a lantern ; nor turn a corner with- 
out first peeping cautiously round, lest he should 
come unawares upon a British army — And we are 
informed that Stoffel BrinkerhofF, who was con- 
sidered by the old women almost as brave a man 
as the governor himself, actually had two one- 
pound swivels moiuited in his entry, one pointing 
out at the front door, and the other at the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to 
on this awful occasion, and one which has since 
been found of wonderful efficacy, was to assemble 
popular meetings. These brawling convocations, 
I have already shown, were extremely offensive 
to Peter Stuyvesant; but as this was a moment of 
unusual agitation, and as the old governor was 
not present to repress them, they broke out with 
intolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the ora- 
tors and politicians repaired ; and there seemed to 
be a competition among them who should bawl 
the loudest, and exceed the others in hyperbo. 
lical bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to 
uphold and defend the government. In these sage 
and all-powerful meetings it was determined nem. 
con. that they were the most enlightened, the most 
dignified, the most formidable, and the most ancient 

H H 2 



468 POPULAR RESOLUTIONS. 

community upon the face of the earth. Finding 
that this resohition was so universally and readily 
carried, another was immediately proposed — 
whether it w^ere not possible and politic to exter- 
minate Great Britain? upon which sixty-nine 
members spoke most eloquently in the affirma- 
tive, and only one arose to suggest some doubts 
— who, as a punishment for his treasonable pre- 
sumption, was immediately seized by the mob, 
and tarred and feathered — which punishment 
being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, he was 
afterwards considered as an outcast from society, 
and his opinion went for nothing. The question, 
therefore, being unanimously carried in the affirma- 
tive, it was recommended to the grand council 
to pass it into a law ; which was accordingly done. 
By this measure the hearts of the people at large 
were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed 
exceedingly choleric arid valorous. Indeed, the 
first paroxysm of alarm having in some measure 
subsided — the old women having buried all the 
money they could lay their hands on, and their 
husbands daily getting fuddled with what was left 
— the community began even to stand on the 
offensive. Songs were manufactured in Low Dutch 
and sung about the streets, wherein the English 
were most wofully beaten, and shown no quar- 
ter; and popular addresses were made, wherein 
it was proved to a certainty that the fate of Old 
England depended upon the will of the New- 
Amsterdammers. 



A PATRIOTIC BONFIRE. 4>69 

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals 
of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabit- 
ants assembled, and having purchased all the British 
manufactures they could find, they made thereof a 
huge bonfire ; and, in the patriotic glow of the 
moment, every man present, who had a hat or 
breeches of English workmanship, pulled it off, and 
threw it most undauntedly into the flames — to the 
irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin of the En- 
glish manufacturers. In commemoration of this 
great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with 
a device on the top intended to represent the pro- 
vince of Nieuw-Nederlandts destroying Great Bri- 
tain, under the similitude of an Eagle picking the 
little Island of Old England out of the globe ; but 
either through the unskilfulness of the sculptor, or 
his ill-timed waggery, it bore a striking resemblance 
to a goose, vainly striving to get hold of a dum- 
pling. 



4-70 ALARM OF THE COUNCIL. 



CHAPTER V. 

Shotving hotv the Grand Council of the New- Netherlands came to 
be miraculously gifted "with long tongues. — Together "with a great 
triumph of Economy. 

It will need but very little penetration in any 
one acquainted with the character and habits of 
that most potent and blustering monarch, the 
sovereign people, — to discover, that, notwithstand- 
ing all the bustle and talk of war that stunned him 
in the last chapter, the renowned city of New- 
Amsterdam is, in sad reality, not a whit better 
prepared for defence than before. Now, though 
the people, having gotten over the first alarm, and 
finding no enemy immediately at hand, had, with 
that valour of tongue for which your illustrious 
rabble is so famous, run into the opposite extreme, 
and by dint of gallant vapouring and rhodomontado 
had actually talked themselves into the opinion 
that they were the bravest and most powerful peo- 
ple under the sun, yet were the privy counsellors 
of Peter Stuyvesant somewhat dubious on that 
point. They dreaded moreover lest that stern hero 
should return, and find, that, instead of obeying his 
peremptory orders, they had wasted their time in 
listening to the hectorings of the mob, than which. 



LONG WINDY SPEECHES. "t?! 

they well knew, there was nothing he held in more 
exalted contempt. 

To make up, therefore, as speedily as possible 
for lost time, a grand divan of the counsellors and 
burgomasters was convened, to talk over the critical 
state of the province, and devise measures for its 
safety. Two things were unanimously agreed 
upon in this venerable assembly : — first, that the 
city required to be put in a state of defence ; and 
secondly, that, as the danger was imminent, there 
should be no time lost — which points being settled, 
they immediately fell to making long speeches and 
belabouring one another in endless and intemperate 
disputes. For about this time was this unhappy 
city first visited by that talking endemic, so uni- 
versally prevalent in this country,, and which so 
invariably evinces itself, wherever a number of wise 
men assemble together; breaking out in long, windy 
speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by the 
foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. Now 
it was, moreover, that they first introduced the 
ingenious method of measuring the merits of an 
harangue by the hour-glass ; he being considered 
the ablest orator who spoke longest on a question. 
For which excellent invention, it is recorded, we 
are indebted to the same profound Dutch critic 
who judged of books by their size. 

This sudden passion for endless harangues, so 
little consonant with the customary gravity and 
taciturnity of our sage forefathers, was supposed by 
certain learned philosophers to have been imbibed, 



472 CAUSE OF THIS LOQUACITY. 

together with divers other barbarous propensities, 
from their savage neighbours ; who were pecuHarly 
noted for their long talks and council Jires — who 
would never undertake any affair of the least im- 
portance, without previous debates and harangues 
among their chiefs and old men. But the real cause 
was, that the people, in electing their repre- 
sentatives to the grand council, were particular in 
choosing them for their talents at talking, without 
inquiring whether they possessed the more rare, 
difficult, and oft-times important talent of holding 
their tongues. The consequence was, that this 
deliberative body was composed of the most lo- 
quacious men in the community. As they con- 
sidered themselves placed there to talk, every man 
concluded that his duty to his constituents, and, 
what is more, his popularity with them, required 
that he should harangue on every subject, whether 
he understood it or not. There was an ancient 
mode of burying a chieftain, by every soldier 
throwing his shield full of earth on the corpse, 
until a mighty mound was formed ; so whenever a 
question was brought forward in this assembly, 
every member pressing forward to throw on his 
quantum of wisdom, the subject was quickly buried 
under a huge mass of words. 

We are told, that when disciples were admitted 
into the school of Pythagoras, they were for two 
years enjoined silence, and were neither permitted 
to ask questions nor make remarks. After they 
had thus acquired the inestimable art of holding 



REVIVAL OF FACTIONS. 473 

their tongues, they were gradually periftitted to 
make inquiries, and finally to communicate their 
own opinions. 

What a pity is it, that, while superstitiously 
hoarding up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, we 
should suffer these precious gems to lie unnoticed ! 
What a beneficial effect would this wise regulation 
of Pythagoras have, if introduced in legislative 
bodies — and how wonderfully would it have tended 
to expedite business in the grand council of the 
Manhattoes ! 

Thus, however, did dame Wisdom (whom the 
wags of antiquity have humorously personified as 
a woman), seem to take mischievous pleasure in 
jilting the venerable counsellors of New- Amster- 
dam. The old factions of Long Pipes and Short 
Pipes, which had been almost strangled by the 
Herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprung 
up with tenfold violence. Not that the original 
cause of difference still existed,— but it has ever 
been the fate of party names and party rancour to 
remain, long after the principles that gave rise to 
them have been forgotten. To complete the public 
confusion and bewilderment, the fatal word Eco- 
nomijy which one would have thought was dead 
and buried with William the Testy, was once more 
set afloat, like tlie apple of discord, in the grand 
council of Nieuw-Nederlandts — according to which 
sound principle of policy, it was deemed more ex- 
pedient to throw away twenty thousand guilders 
upon an inefficient plan of defence than thirty 



'1-7'i LONG PIPES V. SHORT PIPES. 

thousand on a good and substantial one — the pro- 
vince thus making a clear saving often thousand 
guilders. 

But when they came to discuss the mode of de- 
fence, then began a war of words that baffles all 
description. The members being, as I observed, 
enlisted in opposite parties, were enabled to pro- 
ceed with amazing system and regularity in the 
discussion of the questions before them. What- 
ever was proposed by a Long Pipe was opposed 
by the whole tribe of Short Pipes, who, like true 
politicians, considered it their first duty to effect 
the downfal of the Long Pipes — their second, to 
elevate themselves — and their tliird, to consult 
the welfare of the country. This at least was the 
creed of the most upright among the party ; for as 
to the great mass, they left tlie third consideration 
out of the question altogether. 

In this great collision of hard heads, it is asto- 
nishing the number of projects for defence that 
were struck out, not one of which had ever been 
heard of before, nor has been heard of since, un- 
less it be in very modern days — projects that 
threw the windmill system of the ingenious Kieft 
completely in the back ground. Still, however, 
nothing could be decided on ; for so soon as a 
formidable host of air castles were reared by one 
party, they were demolished by the other : the 
simple populace stood gazing in anxious ex])ecta- 
tion of the mighty egg that was to be hatcheil 
with all this cackling, but they gazed in vain, lor 



PLANS OF DEFENCE NEGATIVED. 475 

it appeared that the grand council was determined 
to protect the province as did the noble and 
gigantic Pantagruel his army — by covering it with 
his tongue. 

Indeed there was a portion of the members 
consisting of fat, self-important old burghers, who 
smoked their pipes and said nothing, excepting 
to negative every plan of defence that was offered. 
These were of that class of wealthy old citizens 
who, having amassed a fortune, button up their 
pockets, shut their mouths, look rich, and are 
good for nothing ail the rest of their lives : like 
some phlegmatic oyster, which having swallowed a 
pearl, closes its shell, settles down in the mud, 
and parts with its life sooner than its treasure. 
Every plan of defence seemed to these worthy old 
gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed force 
was a legion of locusts, preying upon the public 
property — to fit out a naval armament was to 
throw their money into the sea — to build fortifica- 
tions was to bury it in the dirt. In short, they 
settled it as a sovereign maxim, so long as their 
pockets were full, no matter how much they were 
drubbed — A kick left no scar — a broken head 
cured itself — but an empty purse was of all ma- 
ladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature 
did nothing for the patient. 

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages 
lavish away that time which the urgency of affairs 
rendered invaluable in empty brawls and long- 
winded speeches, witliout ever agreeing, except 



476 



ARRIVAL OF THE ENEMY. 



on the point with which they started, namely, that 
there was no time to be lost, and delay was ruinous. 
At length St. Nicholas, taking compassion on their 
distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them 
from anarchy, so ordered, that in the midst of one 
of their most noisy debates on the subject of for- 
tification and defence, when they had nearly fallen 
to loggerheads in consequence of not being able 
to convince each other, the question was happily 
settled by a messenger, who bounced into the 
chamber and informed them, that the hostile fleet 
had arrived, and was actually advancing up the 
bay! 

Thus was all further necessity of either fortify- 
ing or disputing completely obviated, and thus 
was the grand council saved a world of words, 
and the province a world of expense — a most ab- 
solute and glorious triumph of economy ! 



GENERAL ALABM. 477 



CHAPTER VI. 

In ivhich the troubles of New- Amsterdam appear to thicken—' 
Shoxoing the braverij, in time of peril, of a people who defend 
themselves hy resolutions. 

Like as an assemblage of politic cats, engaged 
in clamorous gibberings, and caterwaulings, eye- 
ing one another with hideous grimaces, spit- 
ting in each other's faces, and on the point of 
breaking forth into a general clapper-clawing, are 
suddenly put to scampering rout and confusion by 
the startling appearance of a house-dog ; so was 
the no less vociferous council of New- Amsterdam 
amazed, astounded, and totally dispersed, by the 
sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member 
made the best of his way home, waddling along 
as fast as his short legs could fag under their 
heavy burthen, and wheezing as he went with 
corpulency and terror. When he arrived at his 
castle, he barricadoed the street-door, and buried 
himself in the cider-cellar, without daring to peep 
out, lest he should have his head carried off by a 
cannon-ball. 

The sovereign people all crowded into the 
market-place, herding together with the instinct 
of sheep, who seek for safety in each other's com- 
pany, when the shepherd and his dog are absent, 
and the wolf is prowling round the fold. Far 



478 FEARFUL UNCERTAINTIES. 

from finding relief, however, they only increased 
each other's terrors. Each man looked ruefully 
in his neighbour's face in search of encouragement, 
but only found in its wo-begone lineaments a 
confirmation of his own dismay. Not a word now 
was to be heard of conquering Great Britain, not 
a whisper about the sovereign virtues of economy 
— while the old women heightened the general 
gloom by clamorously bewailing their fate, and 
incessantly calling for protection on St. Nicholas 
and Peter Stuyvesant. 

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the 
lion-hearted Peter ! — and how did they long for 
the comforting presence of Antony Van Corlear ! 
Indeed a gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate 
of these adventurous heroes. Day after day had 
elapsed since the alarming message from the go- 
vernor, without bringing any further tidings of 
his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hazarded 
as to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. 
Had they not been devoured alive by the canni- 
bals of Marblehead and Cape Cod ? — were they 
not put to the question by the great council of 
Amphyctions? — were they not smothered in 
onions by the terrible men of Pyquag ? — In the 
midst of this consternation and perplexity, when 
horror, like a mighty night-mare, sat brooding 
upon the little, fat, plethoric city of New-Am- 
sterdam, the ears of the multitude were suddenly 
startled by a strange and distant sound — it ap- 
proached — it grew louder and louder — and now 



PETER SUDDENLY APPEARS. 479 

it resounded at the city gate. The public could 
not be mistaken in the well-known sound — A 
shout of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant 
Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his 
faithful trumpeter, came galloping into the market- 
place. 

The first transports of the populace having sub- 
sided, they gathered round the honest Antony, as 
he dismounted from his horse, overwhelmincf him 
with greetings and congratulations. In breathless 
accents he related to them the marvellous adven- 
tures through which the old governor and himself 
had gone, in making their escape from the clutches 
of the terrible Amphyctions. But though the 
Stuyvesant Manuscript, with its customary mi- 
nuteness where any thing touching the great Peter 
is concerned, is very particular as to the inci- 
dents of this masterly retreat, yet the particular 
state of the public affairs will not allow me to in- 
dulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice to 
say, that, while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously 
revolving in his mind how he could make good 
his escape with honour and dignity, certain of the 
ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhattoes 
touched at the eastern ports to obtain needful 
supplies, and to call on the grand council of the 
league for its promised co-operation. Upon hear- 
ing of this, the vigilant Peter, perceiving that a 
moment's delay were fatal, made a secret and pre- 
cipitate decampment; though much did it grieve 
his loftv soul to be oblicred to turn his back even 



480 HIS FIRST MOVEMENTS. 

upon a nation of foes. Many hair-breadth scapes 
and divers perilous mishaps did they sustain, as 
they scoured, without sound of trumpet, through 
the fair regions of the east. Ah'eady was the 
country in an uproar with hostile preparation, 
and they were obliged to take a large circuit in 
their flight, lurking along through the woody 
mountains of the Devil's back-bone ; from whence 
the valiant Peter sallied forth one day like a lion, 
and put to rout a whole legion of squatters, con- 
sisting of three generations of a prolific family, 
who were already on their way to take possession 
of some corner of the New-Netherlands. Nay, the 
faithful Antony had great difficulty, at sundry 
times, to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, 
from descending down from tlie mountains, and 
falling, sword in hand, upon certain of the border 
towns, w^ho were marshalling forth their draggle- 
tailed militia. 

The first movements of the governor, on reach- 
ing his dwelling, was to mount the roof, from 
whence he contemplated with rueful aspect the 
hostile squadron. This had already come to an- 
chor in the bay, and consisted of two stout 
frigates, having on board, as John Josselyn, 
gent, informs us, " tliree hundred valiant red 
coats." Having taken this survey, he sat himself 
down and wrote an epistle to the commander, de- 
manding the reason of his anchoring in the har- 
bour without obtaining previous permission so to 
do. This letter was couched in the most dig- 



TERMS OFFERED BY THE INVADERS. 481 

nified and courteous terms, though I have it from 
undoubted authority that his teeth were cUnched, 
and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon his visage 
all the while he wrote. Having despatched his 
letter, the grim Peter stumped to and fro about 
the town with a most war-betokening countenance, 
his hands thrust into his breeches pockets, and 
whistling a low Dutch Psalm tune, which bore no 
small resemblance to the music of a north-east 
wind, when a storm is brewing — The very dogs 
as they eyed him skulked away in dismay — while 
all the old and ugly women of New- Amsterdam 
ran howling at his heels, imploring him to save 
them from murder, robbery, and pitiless ravish- 
ment! 

The reply of Colonel Nichols, who commanded 
the invaders, was couched in terms of equal cour- 
tesy with the letter of the governor' — declaring the 
right and title of his British Majesty to the pro- 
vince ; where he affirmed the Dutch to be mere 
interlopers ; and demanding that the town, forts, 
&c. should be forthwith rendered into his majesty's 
obedience and protection — promising, at the same 
time, life, liberty, estate, and free trade, to every 
Dutch denizen who should readily submit to his 
majesty's government. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle 
with some such harmony of aspect as we may sup- 
pose a crusty farmer, who has long been fattening 
upon his neighbour's soil, reads the loving letter 
of John Stiles, that warns him of an action of 

I I 



482 PETER CALLS A COUNCIL OF WAR. 

ejectment. The old governor, however, was not 
to be taken by sur})rise, but, thrusting the sum- 
mons into his breeches pocket, he stalked three 
times across the room, took a pinch of snuff wdth 
great vehemence, and then, loftily waving his hand, 
promised to send an answer the next morning. In 
the mean time he called a general council of war 
of his privy counsellors and burgomasters, not foi" 
the purpose of asking their advice, for that, as has 
been already shown, he valued not a rush, but to 
make known unto them his sovereign determina- 
tion, and require their prompt adherence. 

Before, however, he convened his council, he 
resolved upon three important points : Jtrst, never 
to give up the city without a little hard fighting, 
for he deemed it highly derogatory to the dignity 
of so renowned a city to suffer itself to be captured 
and stripped, without receiving a few kicks into 
the bargain. Secondly^ that the majority of his 
grand council was composed of arrant poltroons, 
utterly destitute of true bottom — and, thirdly — 
that he would not therefore suffer them to see the 
summons of Colonel Nichols, lest the easy terms 
it held out might induce them to clamour for a 
surrender. 

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a 
piteous sight to behold the late yaliant burgomas- 
ters, who had demolished the whole British empire 
in their harangues, peeping ruefully out of their 
hiding-places, and then crawling cautiously forth, 
dodging through narrow lanes and alleys — starting 



THE COUNCIL MF.F.TS. 48f3 ' 

at every little dog that barked, as tlioiigli it had 
been a discharge of artillery — mistaking lamp- 
posts for British grenadiers j and, in the excess of 
their panic, metamorphosing pumps into formida- 
ble soldiers, levelling blunderbusses at their bo- 
soms ! Having, however, in despite of numerous 
perils and difficulties of the kind, arrived safe, 
without the loss of a single man, at the hall of 
assembly, they took their seats, and awaited in 
fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In a 
few moments the wooden leg of the intrepid Peter 
was heard in regular and stout-hearted thumps 
upon the staircase — He entered the chamber, 
arrayed in full suit of regimentals, and carrying 
his trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but 
tucked under his arm. As the governor never 
equipped himself in this portentous manner unless 
something of martial nature were working within 
his fearless pericranium, his council regarded him 
ruefully, as if they saw fire and sword in his iron 
countenance, and forgot to light their pipes in 
breathless suspense. 

The great Peter was as eloquent as he w^as va- 
lorous — indeed, these two rare qualities seemed to 
go hand in hand in his composition ; and, unlike 
most great statesmen, whose victories are only 
confined to the bloodless field of argument, he was 
always ready to enforce his hardy words by no less 
hardy deeds. His speeches were generally marked 
by a simplicity approaching to bluntness, and by 
truly categorical decision. Addressing the grand 

I I 2 



484 PETER'S NOBLE ADDRESS. 

council, he touched briefly upon the perils and 
hardships he had sustained, in escaping from his 
crafty foes. He next reproached the council, for 
wasting in idle debate and party feuds that time 
which should have been devoted to their country. 
He was particularly indignant at those brawlers, 
who, conscious of individual security, had dis- 
graced the councils of the province by impotent 
hectorings and scurrilous invectives against a no- 
ble and a powerful enemy — those cowardly curs, 
who were incessant in their barkings and yelpings 
at the lion, while distant or asleep, but, the moment 
he approached, were the first to skulk away. He 
now called on those who had been so valiant in 
their threats against Great Britain to stand forth 
and support their vauntings by their actions — for 
it was deeds, not words, that bespoke the spirit of 
a nation. He proceeded to recall the golden days 
of former prosperity, which were only to be gained 
by manfully withstanding their enemies ; for the 
peace, he observed, which is effected by force of 
arms is always more sure and durable than that 
which is patched up by temporary accommoda- 
tions. He endeavoured, moreover, to arouse their 
martial fire, by reminding them of the time when, 
before the frowning walls of Fort Christina, he 
had led them on to victory — He strove likewise 
to awaken their confidence, by assuring them of 
the protection of St. Nicholas, who had hitherto 
maintained them in safety, amid all the savages of 
the wilderness, the witches and squatters of the 



THE BURGOMASTERS DEMUR. 485 

east, and the giants of Merry-land. Finally, he 
informed them of the insolent summons he had 
received to surrender, but concluded by swearing 
to defend the province as long as heaven was on 
his side, and he had a wooden leg to stand upon. 
Which noble sentence he emphasized by a tre- 
mendous thwack with the broad side of his sword 
upon the table, that totally electrified his auditors. 

The privy counsellors, who had long been ac- 
customed to the governor*s way, and in fact had 
been brought into as perfect discipline as were 
ever the soldiers of the great Frederick, saw that 
there was no use in saying a word — so lighted their 
pipes, and smoked away in silence, like fat and dis- 
creet counsellors. But the burgomasters being less 
under the governor's control, considering them- 
selves as representatives of the sovereign people, 
and being moreover inflated with considerable 
importance and self-sufficiency, which they had 
acquired at those notable schools of wisdom and 
morality, the popular meetings, were not so easily 
satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, when they 
found there was some chance of escaping from 
their present jeopardy without the disagreeable 
alternative of fighting, they requested a copy of 
the summons to surrender, that they might show 
it to a general meeting of the people. 

So insolent and mutinous a request would have 
been enough to have roused the gorge of the tran- 
quil Van Twiller himself — what then must have 
been its effect upon the great Stuyvesant, who was 



i^SG 



THEY CALL A PUBLIC MEETING. 



not only a Dutchman, a governor, and a valiant 
wooden-legged soldier to boot, but withal a man 
of the most stomachful and gunpowder disposition. 
He burst forth into a blaze of noble indignation, — 
swore not a mother's son of them should see a syl- 
lable of it — that they deserved, every one of them, 
to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, for traitor- 
ously daring to question the infallibility of govern- 
ment — that as to their advice or concurrence, he 
did not care a whiff of tobacco for either — that he 
had long been harassed and thwarted by their 
cowardly counsels ; but tliat they might thence- 
forth go home, and go to bed like old women ; .for 
he was determined to defend the colony himself, 
without the assistance of them or their adherents! 
So saying, he tucked his sword under his arm, 
cocked his hat upon his head, and girding up his 
loins, stumped indignantly out of the council- 
chamber — every body making room for him as he 
passed. 

No sooner had he gone than the busy burgo- 
masters called a public meeting in front of the 
Stadt-house, where they appointed as chairman 
one Dofue Roerback, a mighty gingerbread-baker 
in the land, and formerly of the cabinet of William 
the Testy. He was looked up to with great re- 
verence by the populace, who considered him a 
man of dark knowledge, seeing he was the first 
that imprinted new-year cakes with the mysterious 
hieroglyphics of the Cock and Breeches, and such 
like magical devices. 



THE GINGERBREAD-BAKER'S SPEECH. 'i'^7 

This great burgomaster, who still chewed the 
cud of ill-will against the valiant Stuyvesant, in 
consequence of having been ignominiously kicked 
out of his cabinet at the time of his taking the 
reins of government — addressed the greasy multi- 
tude in what is called a patriotic speech, in which 
he informed them of the courteous summons to 
surrender — of the governor's refusal to comply 
therewith — of his denying the public a sight of 
the summons, which, he had no doubt, contained 
conditions highly to the honour and advantage of 
the province. 

He then proceeded to speak of his excellency 
in high-sounding terms, suitable to the dignity 
and grandeur of his station, comparing him to 
Nero, Caligula, and those other great men of yore, 
who are generally quoted by popular orators on 
similar occasions. Assuring the people, that the 
history of the world did not contain a despotic 
outrage to equal the present for atrocity, cruelty, 
tyranny, and blood-thirstiness — that it would be 
recorded in letters of fire, on the blood-stained 
tablet of history ! that ages would roll back with 
sudden horror when they came to view it ! That 
the womb of time (by the way, your orators and 
writers take strange liberties with the womb of 
time, though some would fain have us believe that 
time is an old gentleman) — that the womb of time, 
pregnant as it was with direful horrors, would 
never produce a parallel enormity! — With a variety 
of other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and 



488 HOW PETER TREATED THE MEMORIAL. 

figures, which I cannot enumerate. — Neither in- 
deed need I, for they were exactly the same that 
are used in all popular harangues and patriotic 
orations at the present day, and may be classed in 
rhetoric under the general title of Rigmarole. . 
The speech of this inspired burgomaster being 
finished, the meeting fell into a kind of popular 
fermentation, which produced not only a string 
of right wise resolutions, but likewise a most re- 
solute memorial, addressed to the governor, re- 
monstrating at his conduct — which was no sooner 
handed to him, than he handed it into the fire ; 
and thus deprived posterity of an invaluable docu- 
ment that might have served as a precedent to the 
enlightened cobblers and tailors of the present day, 
in their sage intermeddlings with politics. 



PETER'S WRATH, AND RESOLUTION. 489 



CHAPTER VII. 

Containing a doleful disaster of Antony the Trumpeter — And 
how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromtvell, suddenly dis- 
solved a rump Parliament. 

Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt 
shower down a pannier load of benedictions upon 
his burgomasters for a set of self-willed, obstinate, 
headstrong varlets, who would neither be con- 
vinced nor persuaded ; and determined thence- 
ibrth to have nothing more to do with them, but 
to consult merely the opinion of his privy coun- 
sellors, which he knew from experience to be the 
best in the world — inasmuch as it never differed 
from his own. Nor did he omit, now that his 
hand was in, to bestow some thousand left-handed 
compliments upon the sovereign people, whom he 
railed at for a herd of poltroons, who had no relish 
for the glorious hardships and illustrious misad- 
ventures of battle — but would rather stay at home, 
and eat and sleep in ignoble ease, than gain im- 
mortality and a broken head, by valiantly lighting 
in a ditch. 

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his 
beloved city, in despite even of itself, he called 
unto him his trusty Van Corlear, who was his 
right-hand man in all times of emeigcncy. Him 



490 MISSION OF VAN CORLEAR. 

did he adjure to take his war-denouncing trumpet, 
and, mounting his horse, to beat up the country 
night and day — Sounding the alarm along the 
pastoral borders of the Bronx— startling the wild 
solitudes of Croton — arousing the rugged yeo- 
manry of Weehawk and Hoboeken — the mighty 
men of battle of Tappen Bay * — and the brave 
boys of Tarry town and Sleepy hollow — together 
with all the other warriors of the country round 
about ; charging them one and all to sling their 
powder-liorns, shoulder their fowling-pieces, and 
march merrily down to the Manhattoes. 

Now there was nothing in all the world, the 
divine sex excepted, that Antony Van Corlear 
loved better than errands of this kind. So just 
stopping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to 
his side his junk bottle, well charged with heart- 
inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the city- 
gate, that looked out upon what is at present called 
Broad-way ; sounding as usual a farewell strain, 
that rung in sprightly echoes through the winding 
streets of New-Amsterdam — Alas ! never more 
were they to be gladdened by the melody of their 
favourite trumpeter 1 

It was a dark and stormy night when the good 
Antony arrived at the famous creek (sagely de- 
nominated Haerlem river) which separates the 
island of Manna-hata from the main land. The 
wind was high, the elements were in an uproar, 

* A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe of Indians 
which boasted 150 fighting men. — See Ogilby's History. 



HIS LUCKLESS FATE. 491 

and no Charon could be found to ferry the ad- 
venturous sounder of brass across the water. For 
a short time he vapoured like an impatient ghost 
upon the brink, and then bethinking himself of 
the urgency of his errand, took a hearty embrace 
of his stone-bottle, swore most valorously that he 
would swim across, en spijt den Duyvel (in spite 
of the devil !) and daringly plunged into the 
stream. — Luckless Antony ! scarce had he buffeted 
halfway over, when he was observed to struggle 
violently, as if battling with the spirit of the 
waters — instinctively he put his trumpet to his 
mouth, and giving a vehement blast— sunk for 
ever to the bottom ! 

The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the 
ivory horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when 
expiring in the glorious field of Roncesvalles, rung- 
far and wide through the country, alarming the 
neighbours round, who hurried in amazement to 
the spot — ^Here an old Dutch burgher, famed for 
his veracity, and v/ho had been a witness of the 
fact, related to them the melancholy affair ; with 
the fearful addition (to which I am slow of giving 
belief) that he saw the duyvel, in the shape of a 
huge Moss-bonker, seize the sturdy Antony by 
the leg, and drag him beneath the waves. Certain 
it is, the place, with the adjoining promontory, 
which projects into the Hudson, has been called 
Spijt den duyvel^ or Spiling devil, ever since — the 
restless ghost of the unfortunate Antony still 
haunts the surrounding solitudes, and his trumpet 



492 GRIEF OF THE GOVERNOR 

has often been heard by the neighbours, of a 
stormy night, mingling with the howling of the 
blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim over the 
creek after dark; on the contrary, a bridge has 
been built to guard against such melancholy acci- 
dents in future — and as to Moss-bonkers, they are 
held in such abhorrence, that no true Dutchman 
will admit them to his table, who loves good fish 
and hates the devil. 

Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear — a 
man deserving of a better fate. He lived roundly 
and soundly, like a true and jolly bachelor, until 
the day of his death ; but though he was never 
married, yet did he leave behind some two or 
three dozen children, in different parts of the 
country — fine chubby, brawling, flatulent little 
urchins, from whom, if legends speak true (and 
they are not apt to lie), did descend the innumer- 
able race of editors, who people and defend this 
country, and who are bountifully paid by the 
people for keeping up a constant alarm — and 
making them miserable. Would that they in- 
herited the worth, as they do the wind, of their 
renowned progenitor ! 

The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe im- 
parted a severer pang to the bosom of Peter Stuy- 
vesant than did even the invasion of his beloved 
Amsterdam. It came ruthlessly home to those 
sweet affections that grow close around the heart, 
and are nourished by its warmest current. As 
some lorn pilgrim, while the tempest whistles 



AT ANTONY'S UNTIMELY END. 493 

through his locks, and dreary night is gathering 
around, sees stretched cold and lifeless his faithful 
dog — the sole companion of his journeying, who 
had shared his solitary meal, and so often licked 
his hand in humble gratitude — So did the ge- 
nerous hearted hero of the Manhattoes contem- 
plate the untimely end of his faithful Antony. 
He had been the humble attendant of his footsteps 
— he had cheered him in many a heavy hour, by 
his honest gaiety, and had followed him in loyalty 
and affection through many a scene of direful 
peril and mishap — he was gone for ever — and that 
too, at a moment when every mongrel cur seemed 
skulking from his side — This — Peter Stuyvesant 
— this was the moment to try thy fortitude ; and 
this was the moment when thou didst indeed shine 
forth — ^Peter the Headstrong, 

The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors 
of the last stormy night; still all was dull and 
gloomy. The late jovial Apollo hid his face behind 
lugubrious clouds, peeping out now and then for 
an instant, as if anxious, yet fearful, to see what 
was going on in his favourite city. This was the 
eventful morning when the great Peter was to^give 
his reply to the summons of the invaders. Already 
was he closeted with his privy council, sitting in 
grim state, brooding over the fate of his favourite 
trumpeter, and anon boiling with indignation as 
the insolence of his recreant burgomasters flashed 
upon his mind. While in this state of irritation, 
a courier arrived in all haste from Winthrop, the 
subtle governor of Connecticut, counselling him. 



494 PETER PROROGUES A MEETING 

ill the most affectionate and disinterested manner, 
to surrender the province, and magnifying the 
dangers and cahimities to which a refusal would 
subject him. — What a moment was this to intrude 
officious advice upon a man who never took advice 
in his whole life ! — The fiery old governor strode 
up and down the chamber with a vehemence that 
made the bosoms of his counsellors to quake with 
awe — railing at his unlucky fate, that thus made 
him the constant butt of factious subjects, and 
Jesuitical advisers. 

Just at this ill-chosen juncture the officious 
burgomasters, who were now completely on the 
w^atch, and had heard of the arrival of mysterious 
despatches, came marching in a resolute body into 
the room, with a legion of schepens and toad- 
eaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded a 
perusal of the letter. Thus to be broken in upon 
by what he esteemed a ** rascal rabble," and that 
too at the very moment he was grinding under an 
irritation from abroad, was too much for the spleen 
of the choleric Peter. He tore the letter in a 
thousand pieces* — threw it in the face of the 
nearest burgomaster — broke his pipe over the head 
of the next — hurled his spitting-box at an unlucky 
schepen, who was just making a masterly retreat 
out at the door, and finally prorogued the whole 
meeting sine die, by kicking them down stairs with 
his wooden leg. 

As soon as the burgomasters could recover from 

* Smith's History of N. Y. 



WITH HIS WOODEN LEG 4>95 

the confusion into which their sudden exit had 
thrown them, and had taken a little time to breathe, 
they protested against the conduct of the governor, 
which they did not hesitate to pronounce tyran- 
nical, unconstitutional, highly indecent, and some- 
what disrespectful. They then called a public 
meeting, where they read the protest, and ad- 
dressing the assembly in a set speech, related at 
full length, and with appropriate colouring and 
exaggeration, the despotic and vindictive deport- 
ment of the governor ; declaring that, for their 
own parts, they did not value a straw the being 
kicked, cuffed, and mauled by the timber toe of 
his excellency, but they felt for the dignity of the 
sovereign people, thus rudely insulted by the out- 
rage committed on the seats of honour of their 
representatives. The latter part of the harangue 
had a violent effect upon the sensibility of the 
people, as it came home at once to that delicacy 
of feeling, and jealous pride of character, vested 
in all true mobs : who, though they may bear in- 
juries without a murmur, yet are marvellously 
jealous of their sovereign dignity — and there is no 
knowing to what act of resentment they might 
have been provoked against the redoubtable Peter 
• — had not the greasy rogues been somewhat more 
afraid of their sturdy old governor than they were 
of St. Nicholas, the English — or the d — 1 himself. 



496 A SUBLIME SPECTACLE. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

Hffiu Peter Sluyvesant defended the city of Neiv- Amsterdam for 
several days, by dint of the' strength of his head. 

There is something exceedingly sublime and 
melancholy in the spectacle which the present crisis 
of our history presents. An illustrious and vene- 
rable little city — the metropolis of an immense 
extent of uninhabited country — garrisoned by a 
doughty host of orators, chairmen, committee- 
men, burgomasters, schepens, and old women — 
governed by a determined and strong-headed war- 
rior, and fortified by mud batteries, pallisadoes, 
and resolutions — blockaded by sea, beleaguered by 
land, and threatened with direful desolation from 
without ; while its very vitals are torn with internal 
faction and commotion ! Never did historic pen 
record a page of more complicated distress, unless 
it be the strife that distracted the Israelites during 
the siege of Jerusalem — where discordant parties 
were cutting each other's throats, at the moment 
when the victorious legions of Titus had toppled 
down their bulwarks, and were carrying fire and 
sword into the very sanctum sanctorum of the 
temple. 

Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as 



PETER'S GALLANT LETTER. 497 

has been recorded, put his grand council to the 
rout, and thus deUvered himself from a multitude 
of impertinent advisers, despatched a categorical 
reply to the commanders of the invading squadron ; 
wherein he asserted the right and title of their 
High Mightinesses the Lords States-general to the 
province of New-Netherlands, and trusting in the 
righteousness of his cause, set the whole British 
nation at defiance ! My anxiety to extricate my 
readers and myself from these disastrous scenes 
prevents me from giving the whole of this gallant 
letter, which concluded in these manly and affec- 
tionate terms : 

" As touching the threats in your conclusion, 
" we have nothing to answer, only that we fear 
*' nothing but what God (who is as just as mer- 
" ciful) shall lay upon us ; all things being in his 
" gracious disposal, and we may as well be pre- 
*' served by him with small forces as by a great 
" army ; which makes us to wish you all happiness 
" and prosperity, and recommend you to his pro- 
** tection. — My lords, your thrice humble and affec- 
" tionate servant and friend 

" P. Stuyvesant." 

Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the 
brave Peter stuck a pair of horse pistols in his belt, 
girded an immense powder-horn on his side — 
thrust his sound leg into a Hessian boot, and 
clapping his fierce little war hat on the top of his 
head — paraded up and down in front of his house, 
determined to defend his beloved city to the last. 

K K 



498 TEINIPTING TERMS OFFERED 

■ "WTiile all these woful struggles and dissensions 
were prevailing in the unhappy city of New- Am- 
sterdam, and while its worthy but ill-starred go- 
vernor was framing the above quoted letter, the 
English commanders did not remain idle. They 
had agents secretly employed to foment the fears 
and clamours of the populace ; and moreover cir- 
culated far and wide, through the adjacent country, 
^ proclamation, repeating the terms they had al- 
ready held out in their summons to surrender, and 
beguiling the simple Nederlanders with the most 
crafty and conciliating professions. They pro- 
mised that every man who voluntarily submitted 
to the authority of his British majesty should 
retain peaceable possession of his house, his vrouw, 
and his cabbage garden. That he should be suf- 
fered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many 
breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, 
and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manufac- 
turing them on the spot. That he should on no 
account be compelled to learn the English lan- 
guage, or keep accounts in any other way than by 
casting them up on his fingers, and chalking them 
down upon the crown of his hat ; as is still ob- 
served among the Dutch yeomanry at the present 
day. That every man should be allowed quietly 
to inherit his father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, 
and every other personal appendage ; and that no 
man should be obliged to conform to any improve- 
ments, inventions, or any other modern innovations; 
but on the contrary should be permitted to build 



THE POPULACE ARE SEDUCED, 499 

his house, follow his trade, manage his farm, rear 
his hogs, and educate his children, precisely as his 
ancestors did before him since time immemorial — 
Finally, that he should have all the benefits of free 
trade, and should not be required to acknowledge 
any other saint in the calendar than Saint Nicholas, 
who should thenceforward, as before, be considered 
the tutelar saint of the city. 

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very 
satisfactory to the people, who had a great dispo- 
sition to enjoy their property unmolested, and a 
most singular aversion to engage in a contest, 
where they could gain little more than honour and 
broken heads — the first of which they held in phi- 
losophic indifference, the latter in utter detestation. 
By these insidious means, therefore, did the English 
succeed in alienating the confidence and affections 
of the populace from their gallant old governor, 
whom they considered as obstinately bent upon 
running them into hideous misadventures ; and 
did not hesitate to speak their minds freely, and 
abuse him most heartily — behind his back. 

Like as a mighty grampus, who, though assailed 
and buffeted by roaring waves and brawling 
surges, still keeps on an undeviating course ; and 
though overwhelmed by boisterous billows, still 
emerges from the troubled deep, spouting and 
blowing with tenfold violence — so did the in- 
flexible Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined 
career, and rise, contemptuous, above the clamours 
of the rabble. 

K K 2 



500 ; HOSTILITIES THREATENED. 

But when the British warriors found, by the 
tenor of his reply, that he set their power at defi- 
ance, they forthwith despatched recruiting officers 
to Jamaica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, and Quag, 
and Patchog, and all those towns on Long-Island 
which had been subdued of yore by the immortal 
Stoffel BrinkerhofF; stirring up the valiant pro- 
geny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, 
and those other illustrious squatters, to assail the 
city of New- Amsterdam by land. In the mean 
while the hostile ships made awful preparation to 
commence an assault by water. 

The streets of New- Amsterdam now presented 
a scene of wild dismay and consternation. In 
vain did the gallant Stuyvesant order the citizens 
to arm and assemble in the public square or 
market-place. The whole party of Short Pipes in 
the course of a single night had changed into 
arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be 
paralleled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as 
having happened at Rome at the approach of 
Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, 
goats were converted into sheep, and cocks turn- 
ing into hens ran cackling about the streets. 

The harassed Peter, thus menaced from with- 
out and tormented from within — baited by the 
burgomasters, and hooted at by the rabble, chafed 
and growled and raged like a furious bear tied to 
a stake and worried by a legion of scoundrel curs. 
Finding, however, that all further attempts to 
defend the city were vain, and hearing that an 



CAPITULATION AGREED ON. 501 

irruption of borderers and moss troopers was ready 
to deluge him from the east, he was at length 
compelled, in spite of his proud heart, which 
swelled in his throat until it had nearly choked 
him, to consent to a treaty of surrender. 

Words cannot express the transports of the 
people, on receiving this agreeable intelligence; 
had they obtained a conquest over their enemies, 
they could not have indulged greater delight — 
The streets resounded with their congratulations — 
they extolled their governor as the father and 
deliverer of his country — they crowded to his 
house to testify their gratitude, and were ten times 
more noisy in their plaudits than when he re- 
turned, with victory perched upon his beaver, 
from the glorious capture of Fort Christina. — But 
the indignant Peter shut his doors and windows, 
and took refuge in the innermost recesses of his 
mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble 
rejoicings of the rabble. 

In consequence of this consent of the gover- 
nor, a parley was demanded of the besieging 
forces to treat of the terms of surrender. Ac- 
cordingly a deputation of six commissioners was 
appointed on both sides, and on the 27th August, 
1664, a capitulation highly favourable to the pro- 
vince, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant, was 
agreed to by the enemy, who had conceived a 
high opinion of the valour of the men of the 
Manhattoes, and the magnanimity and unbounded 
discretion of their governor. 



502 PETER'S MAGNANIMOUS REFUSAL 

One thing alone remained, which was, that the 
articles of surrender should be ratified, and signed 
by the governor. When the commissioners respect- 
fully waited upon him for this purpose, they were 
received by the hardy old warrior with the most 
grim and bitter courtesy. His warlike accoutre- 
ments were laid aside — an old Indian night-gown 
was wrapped about his rugged limbs, a red night- 
cap overshadowed his frowning brow, an iron grey 
beard of three days' growth gave additional grim- 
ness to his visage. Thrice did he seize a little 
worn out stump of a pen, and essay to sign the 
loathsome paper — thrice did he clinch his teeth, 
and make a most horrible countenance, as though 
a pestiferous dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipeca- 
cuanha, had been offered to his lips ; at length, 
dashing it from him, he seized his brass-hilted 
sword, and jerking it from the scabbard, swore 
by St. Nicholas, he'd sooner die than yield to any 
power under heaven. 

In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy 
resolution — menaces, remonstrances, revilings were 
exhausted to no purpose — for two whole days 
was the house of the valiant Peter besieged by 
the clamorous rabble, and for two whole days did 
he partake himself to his arms, and persist in a 
magnanimous refusal to ratify the capitulation. 

At length the populace, finding that boisterous 
measures did but incense more determined opposi- 
tion, bethought themselves of an humble expedient, 
by which, happily, the governor's ire might be 



TO SIGN THE CAPITULATION. '^03 

soothed, and his resohition undermined. And 
now a solemn and mournful procession, headed 
by the Burgomasters and Schepens, and followed 
by the populace, moves slowly to the governor's 
dwelling, bearing the capitulation. Here they 
found the stout old hero, drawn up like a giant 
into his castle, the doors strongly barricadoed, and 
himself in full regimentals, with his cocked hat 
on his head, firmly posted with a blunderbuss at 
the garret window. 

There was something in this formidable posi- 
tion that struck even the ignoble vulgar with awe 
and admiration. The brawling multitude could 
not but reflect with self-abasement upon their own 
pusillanimous conduct, when they beheld their 
hardy but deserted old governor, thus faithful to 
his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully prepared 
to defend his ungrateful city to the last. These 
compunctions, however, were soon overwhelmed 
by the recurring tide of public apprehension. 
The populace arranged themselves before the 
house, taking off their hats with most respectful 
humility — Burgomaster Roerback, who was of 
that popular class of orators described by Sallust, 
as being "talkative rather than eloquent," stepped 
forth and addressed the governor in a speecli of 
three hours length, detailing, in the most pathetic 
terms, the calamitous situation of the province, 
and urging him in a constant repetition of the 
same arguments and words to sign the capitula- 
tion . 



504 HE FINALLY YIELDS. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his little 
garret window in grim silence — now and then his 
eye would glance over the surrounding rabble, 
and an indignant grin, like that of an angry mas- 
tiff, w^ould mark his iron visage. But though he 
was a man of most undaunted mettle — though he 
had a heart as big as an ox, and a head that would 
have set adamant to scorn — yet after all he was a 
mere mortal : — ^wearied out by these repeated op- 
positions, and this eternal haranguing, and per- 
ceiving that unless he complied, the inhabitants 
would follow their inclinations, or rather their 
fears, without waiting for his consent, he testily 
ordered them to hand him up the paper. It was ac- 
cordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and 
having scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he 
anathematized them all for a set of cowardly, 
mutinous, degenerate poltroons — threw the ca- 
pitulation at their heads, slammed down the win- 
dow, and was heard stumping down stairs with 
the most vehement indignation. The rabble in- 
continently took to their heels ; even the Burgo- 
masters were not slow in evacuating the premises, 
fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue from his 
den, and greet them with some unwelcome testi- 
monial of his displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender, a legion 
of British beef-fed warriors poured into New- Am- 
sterdam, taking possession of the fort and bat- 
teries. And now miglit be heard, from all quar- 
ters, the sound of hammers made by the old Dutch 



ENTRANCE OF THE BRITISH. .505 

burghers, who were busily employed nailing up 
their doors and windows, to protect their vrouws 
from these fierce barbarians, whom they con- 
templated in silent suUenness from the garret 
windows, as they paraded through the streets. 

Thus did Colonel Richard Nichols, the com- 
mander of the British forces, enter into quiet pos- 
session of the conquered realm as locum tenens for 
the Duke of York. The victory was attended 
with no other outrage than that of changing the 
name of the province and its metropolis, which 
thenceforth were denominated New- York, and so 
have continued to be called unto the present day. 
The inhabitants, according to treaty, were allowed 
to maintain quiet possession of their property ; but 
so inveterately did they retain their abhorrence of 
the British nation, that in a private meeting of the 
leading citizens, it was unanimously determined 
never to ask any of their conquerors to dinner. 



506 



RETIREMENT OF PETER STUYVESAN T. 



CHAPTER IX. 

Containing the dignified retirement , and mortal surrender of 
Peter the Headstrong. 

Thus then have I concluded this great histo- 
rical enterprize ; but before I lay aside my weary 
pen, there yet remains to be performed one pious 
duty. If among the variety of readers that may 
peruse this book, there should haply be found any 
of those souls of true nobility, which glow with 
celestial fire, at the history of the generous and 
the brave, they will doubtless be anxious to know 
the fate of the gallant Peter Stuy vesant. To gra- 
tify one such sterling heart of gold I would go more 
lengths than to instruct the cold-blooded curiosity 
of a whole fraternity of philosophers. 

No sooner had that high mettled cavalier signed 
the articles of capitulation than, determined not 
to witness the humiliation of his favourite city, 
he turned his back on its walls and made a growl- 
ing retreat to his Bouxcery^ or country seat, which 
was situated about two miles off; where he passed 
the remainder of his days in patriarchal retire- 
ment. There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind, 
which he had never known amid the distracting 
cares of government ; and tasted the sweets of 
absolute and uncontrolled authority, which his 



HIS CONDUCT 507 

factious subjects had so often dashed with the bit- 
terness of opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit 
the city — on the contrary he would always have 
his great arm chair placed with its back to the 
windows which looked in that direction ; until a 
thick grove of trees planted by his own hand grew 
up and formed a screen, that effectually excluded 
it from the prospect. He railed continually at 
the degenerate innovations and improvements in- 
troduced by the conquerors — forbade a word of 
their detested language to be spoken in his family, 
a prohibition readily obeyed, since none of the 
household could speak any thing but Dutch — and 
even ordered a fine avenue to be cut down in front 
of his house, because it consisted of English cherry 
trees. 

The same incessant vigilance, that blazed forth 
when he had a vast province under his care, now 
showed itself with equal vigour, though in nar- 
rower limits. He patrolled with unceasing watch- 
fulness around the boundaries of his little territory, 
repelled every encroachment with intrepid prompt- 
ness ; punished every vagrant depredation upon 
his orchard or his farm-yard with inflexible se- 
verity — and conducted every stray hog or cow in 
triumph to the pound. But to the indigent neigh- 
bour, the friendless stranger, or the weary wan- 
derer, his spacious doors were ever open, and his 
capacious fire-place, that emblem of his own warm 
and generous heart, had always a corner to receive 



508 IN HIS RETREAT. 

and cherish them. There was an exception to 
this, I must confess, in case the ill starred appli- 
cant was an Englishman or a Yankee, to whom, 
though he might extend the hand of assistance, 
he could never be brought to yield the rites of 
hospitality. Nay, if peradventure some straggling 
merchant of the east should stop at his door, with 
his cart-load of tin ware or wooden bowls, the 
fiery Peter would issue forth like a giant from his 
castle, and make such a furious clattering among 
his pots and kettles, that the vender of" notio?is** 
was fain to betake himself to instant flight. 

His handsome suit of regimentals, worn thread- 
bare by the brush, were carefully hung up in the 
state bed-chamber, and regularly aired the first 
fair day of every month — and his cocked hat and 
trusty sword were suspended in grim repose over 
the parlour mantle- piece, forming supporters to a 
full length portrait of the renowned admiral Von 
Tromp. In his domestic empire he maintained 
strict discipline, and a well-organized, despotic 
government j but though his own will was the 
supreme law, yet the good of his subjects was his 
constant object. He watched over, not merely 
their immediate comforts, but their morals, and 
their ultimate welfare ; for he gave them abund- 
ance of excellent admonition, nor could any of 
them complain, that when occasion required, he 
was by any means niggardly in bestowing whole- 
some correction. 

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical 



HIS FESTIVITIES. 509 

demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a 
tiiankful spirit, which are falling into sad disuse 
among my fellow citizens, were faithfully ob- 
served in the mansion of governor Stuyvesant. 
New year was truly a day of open-handed libe- 
rality, of jocund revelry, and warm-hearted con- 
gratulation — when the bosom seemed to swell 
with genial good-fellowship — and the plenteous 
table was attended with an unceremonious free- 
dom, and honest broad mouthed merriment, un- 
known in these days of degeneracy and refine- 
ment. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously ob- 
served throughout his dominions ; nor was the day 
of St. Nicholas suffered to pass by, without making 
presents, hanging the stocking in the chimney, 
and complying with all its other ceremonies. 

Once a-year, on the first day of April, he used 
to array himself in full regimentals, being the 
anniversary of his triumphal entry into New- 
Amsterdam, after the conquest of New-Sweden. 
This was always a kind of saturnalia among the 
domestics, when they considered themselves at 
liberty, in some measure, to say and do what they 
pleased ; for on this day their master was always 
observed to unbend, and become exceeding plea- 
sant and jocose, sending the old grey-headed 
negroes on April fools errands for pigeon's milk ; 
not one of whom but allowed himself to be taken 
in, and humoured his old master's jokes, as be- 
came a faithful and well-disciplined dependant. 
Thus did he reign, happily and peacefully on his 



510 HIS DECLINE, 

own land — injuring no man — envying no man — 
molested by no outward strifes ; perplexed by n o 
internal commotions — and the mighty monarchs 
of the earth, who were vainly seeking to maintain 
peace, and promote the welfare of mankind, by 
war and desolation, would have done well to have 
made a voyage to the little island of Manna-hata, 
and learned a lesson in government from the do- 
mestic economy of Peter Stuyvesant. 

In process of time, however, the old governor, 
like all other children of mortality, began to ex- 
hibit evident tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, 
which, though it long has braved the fury of the 
elements, and still retains its gigantic proportions, 
yet begins to shake and groan with every blast — 
so was it with the gallant Peter ; for though he 
still bore the port and semblance of what he was, 
in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet did 
age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour of his 
frame — but his heart, that most unconquerable 
citadel, still triumphed unsubdued. With match- 
less avidity would he listen to every article of 
intelligence concerning the battles between the 
English and Dutch — still would his pulse beat 
high, whenever he heard of the victories of De 
Ruyter — and his countenance lower, and his eye- 
brows knit, when fortune turned in favour of the 
English. At length, as on a certain day he had 
just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping after 
dinner, in his arm-chair, conquering the whole 
British nation in his dreams, he was suddenly 



HIS DEATH. 511 

aroused by a fearful ringing of bells, rattling of 
drums, and roaring of cannon, that put all his 
blood in a ferment. But when he learnt that these 
rejoicings were in honour of a great victory ob- 
tained by the combined English and French fleets 
over the brave De Ruyter, and the younger Von 
Tromp, it went so much to his heart, that he took 
to his bed, and, in less than three days, was brought 
to death's door, by a violent cholera morbus! But 
even in this extremity he still displayed the un- 
conquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong ; hold- 
ing out to the last gasp, with the most inflexible 
obstinacy, against a whole army of old women, 
who were bent upon driving the enemy out of his 
bowels, after a true Dutch mode of defence, by 
inundating the seat of war with catnip and penny- 
royal. 

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of 
dissolution, news was brought him, that the brave 
De Ruyter had suffered but little loss — had made 
good his retreat — and meant once more to meet 
the enemy in battle. The closing eye of the old 
warrior kindled at the words — he partly raised 
himself in bed — a flash of martial fire beamed 
across his visage — he clenched his withered hand, 
as if he felt within his gripe that sword which waved 
in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, and 
giving a grim smile of exultation, sunk back upon 
his pillow, and expired. 

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier — 
a loyal subject — an upright governor, and an honest 



51^ HIS FUNERAL. 

Dutchman — who wanted only a few empires to de- 
solate, to have been immortalized as a hero ! 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the 
utmost g'randeur and solemnity. The town was 
perfectly emptied of its inhabitants, who crowded 
in throngs to pay the last sad honours to their good 
old governor. All his sterling qualities rushed in 
full tide upon their recollections, while the memory 
of his foibles and his faults had expired with him. 
The ancient burghers contended who should have 
the privilege of bearing the pall ; the populace 
strove who should walk nearest to the bier — and 
the melancholy procession was closed by a number 
of grey-headed negroes, who had wintered and 
summered in the household of their departed mas- 
ter, for the greater part of a century. 

With sad and gloomy countenances, the mul- 
titude gathered round the grave. They dwelt with 
mournful hearts, on the sturdy virtues, the signal 
services, and the gallant exploits of the brave old 
worthy. They recalled, with secret upbraidings, 
their own factious oppositions to his government — 
and many an ancient burgher, whose phlegmatic 
features had never been known to relax, nor his 
eyes to moisten — was now observed to puff a pen- 
sive pipe, and the big drop to steal down his 
cheek — while he muttered, with affectionate ac- 
cent, and melancholy shake of the head — " Well 
den! — Hardkoppig Peter ben gone at last!" 

His remains were deposited in the family vault, 
under a chapel, which he had piously erected on 



MEMORIALS OF HIM. -^13 

Ilis estate/ and dedicated to St. Nicholas — and 
which stood on'the identical spot at present occu- 
pied by St. Mark's church, where his tombstone 
is still to be seen. His estate, or Boiixver^, as it 
was called, has ever continued in the possession 
of his descendants, who, by the uniform integrity 
of their conduct, and their strict adherence to the 
customs and manners that prevailed in the " good 
old timeSy'* have proved themselves worthy of their 
illustrious ancestor. Many a time and oft has the 
farm been haunted at uight by enterprising money- 
diggers, in quest of pots of gold, said to have been 
buried by the old governor — though I cannot learn 
that any of them have ever been enriched by their 
researches — and who is there, among my native- 
born fellow citizens, that does not remember, when 
in the mischievous days of his boyhood, he con- 
ceived it a great exploit to rob '* Stuyvesant's 
orchard'* on a holiday afternoon. 

At this strong hold of the family may still be 
seen certain memorials of the immortal Peter. His 
full length portrait frowns in martial terrors from 
the parlour wall — his cocked hat and sword still 
hang up in the best bed-room— his brimstone- 
coloured breeches were for a long while suspended 
in the hall, until some years since they occasioned 
a dispute between a new-married couple — and his 
silver-mounted wooden leg is still treasured up in 
the store-room, as an invaluable relique. 



L L 



.51 i REFLECTIONS. 



CHAPTER X. 

The author^s reflections upon ivhat has Lien said. 

Among the numerous events, which are each in 
their turn the most direful and melancholy of all 
possible occurrences, in your interesting and au- 
thentic history, there is none that occasions such 
deep and heart-rending grief as the decline and 
fall of your renowned and mighty empires. Where 
is the reader who can contemplate without emotion 
the disastrous events by which the great dynasties 
of the world have been extinguished ? While wan- 
dering, in imagination, among the gigantic ruins 
of states and empires, and marking the tremendous 
convulsions that wrought their overthrow, the 
bosom of the melancholy inquirer swells with sym- 
pathy commensurate to the surrounding desola- 
tion. Kingdoms, principalities, and powers, have 
each had their rise, their progress, and their down- 
fall — each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre 
— each has returned to its primeval nothingness. 
And thus did it fare with the empire of their high 
mightinesses, at the Manliattoes, under the peace- 
ful reign of Walter the Doubter — the fretful reign 
of William the Testy, and the chivalric reign of 
Peter the Headstrong, 

Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy 
of being pondered over altenti\ civ ; ibr it is by 



SALUTARY WARNINGS DRAWN <^1'^ 

thus raking among the ashes of departed greatness, 
that the sparks of true knowledge are found, and 
the lamp of wisdom ilhimined. Let then the reign 
of Walter the Doubter warn against yielding to 
that sleek, contented security, that overweening 
fondness for comfort and repose, that are produced 
by a state of prosperity and peace. These tend to 
unnerve a nation, to destroy its pride of character; 
to render it patient of insult, deaf to the calls of 
honour and of justice, and cause it to cling to 
peace, like the sluggard to his pillow, at the ex- 
pense of every valuable duty and consideration. 
Such supineness ensures the very evil from which 
it shrinks. One right yielded up produces the 
usurpation of a second; one encroachment pas- 
sively suffered makes way for another ; and the 
nation that thus, through a doting love of peace, 
has sacrificed honour and interest, will at length 
have to fight for existence. 

Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy 
serve as a salutary warning against that fitful, 
feverish mode of legislation, that acts without 
system ; depends on shifts and projects, and trusts 
to lucky contingencies ; that hesitates, and wavers, 
and at length decides with the rashness of igno- 
rance and imbecility. That stoops for popularity 
by courting the prejudices and flattering the arro- 
gance, rather than commanding the respect of the 
rabble. That seeks safety in a multitude of coun- 
sellers, and distracts itself by a variety of contra- 
dictory schemes and opinions. That mistakes pro- 
crastination for deliberate weariness — hurry for 



516 FROM THIS AUTHENTIC HISTORY. 

decision — starveling parsimony for wholesome 
economy — bustle for business, and vapouring for 
valour. That is violent in council — sanguine in 
expectation — precipitate in action, and feeble in 
execution. That undertakes enterprises without 
forethought — enters upon them without prepara- 
tion — conducts them without energy, and ends 
them in confusion and defeat. 

Let the reign of the good Stuy vesant show the 
effects of vigour and decision, even when destitute 
of cool judgment, and surrounded by perplexities. 
Let it show how frankness, probity, and high- 
souled courage will command respect, and secure 
honour, even where success is unattainable. But 
at the same time, let it caution against a too ready 
reliance on the good faith of others, and a too 
honest confidence in the loving professions of pow- 
erful neighbours, who are most friendly when they 
most mean to betray. Let it teach a judicious 
attention to the opinions and wishes of the many, 
who, in times of peril, must be soothed and led, or 
apprehension will overpower the deference to au- 
thority. 

Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects; 
their intemperate harangues ; their violent " reso- 
lutions ;" their hectorings against an absent enemy, 
and their pusillanimity on his approach, teach us 
to distrust and despise those clamorous patriots, 
whose courage dwells but in the tongue. Let 
them serve as a lesson to repress that insolence of 
speech, destitute of real force, which too often 
breaks forth in popular bodies, and bespeaks the 



THE CAPTURE OF FORT CASIMIR .'>l7 

vanity ratlier than the spirit of a nation. Let them 
caution us against vaunting too much of our own 
power and prowess, and reviling a noble enemy. 
True gallantry of soul would always lead us to treat 
a foe with courtesy and proud punctilio; a con- 
trary conduct but takes from the merit of victory, 
and Tenders defeat doubly disgraceful. 

But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent 
examples to be drawn from the ancient chronicles 
of the Manhattoes. He who reads attentively will 
discover the threads of gold, which run through- 
out the web of history, and are invisible to the 
dull eye of ignorance. But before I conclude, let 
me point out a solemn warning, furnished in the 
subtle chain of events by which the capture of 
Fort Casimir has produced the present convulsions 
of our globe. 

Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain deduc- 
tion, which, if thou art a king, an emperor, or 
other powerful potentate, I advise thee to treasure 
up in thy heart — though little expectation have I 
that my work will fall into such hands, for well I 
know the care of crafty ministers, to keep all grave 
and edifying books of the kind out of the way of 
unhappy monarchs — lest peradventure they should 
read them and learn wisdom. 

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimii', 
then, did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient tri- 
umph ; but drew upon their heads the vengeance 
of Peter Stuyvesant, who wrested all New-Sweden 
from their hands — by the conquest of New-Sweden, 
Peter Stuyvesant aroused the claims of Lord Balti- 



518 CAUSED THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

more, who appealed to the Cabinet of Great Bri- 
tain ; who subdued the whole province of Nev/- 
Nethcrlands. By this great achievement the whole 
extent of North America from Nova Scotia to the 
rioridas was rendered one entire dependency upon 
the British crown — but mark the consequence : 
the hitherto scattered colonies being thus conso- 
lidated, and having no rival colonies to check or 
keep them in awe, waxed great and powerful, and 
finally becoming too strong for the mother coun- 
try, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and by a 
glorious revolution became an independent empire. 
But the chain of effects stopped not here; the 
successful revolution in America produced the 
sanguinary revolution in France, which produced 
the puissant Buonaparte, who produced the French 
despotism, which has thrown the whole world in 
confusion ! — Thus have these great powers been 
successively punished for their ill-starred conquests 
— and thus, as I asserted, have all the present con- 
vulsions, revolutions, and disasters that overwhelm 
mankind, originated in the capture of the little fort 
Casimir, as recorded in this eventful history. 

And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad 
farewell, — which, alas! must be for ever — willingly 
would I part in cordial fellowship, and bespeak 
thy kind-hearted remembrance. That I have not 
written a better history of the days of the patriarchs 
is not my fault— had any other person written one 
as good, I should not have attempted it at all. That 
many will hereafter spring up and surpass me in 



THE AUTHORS PARTING WORDS 519 

excellence, I have very little doubt, and still less 
care ; well knowing, when the great Christovallo 
Colon (who is vulgarly called Columbus) had once 
stood his egg upon its end, every one at table 
could stand his up a thousand times more dex- 
terously. — Should any reader find matter of offence 
in this history, I should heartily grieve, though I 
would on no account question his penetration by 
telling him he is mistaken — his good nature by 
telling him he is captious — or his pure conscience 
by telliiig him he is startled at a shadow.— Surely 
if he is so ingenious in finding offence where none 
is intended, it were a thousand pities he should not 
be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his discovery. 

I have too high an opinion of tiie understanding 
of my fellow citizens, to think of yielding them 
any instruction, and I covet too much their good 
will, to forfeit it by giving them good advice. I 
am none of those cynics who despise the world, 
because it despises them — on the contrary, though 
but low in its regard, I look up to it with the most 
perfect good nature, and my only sorrow is, that 
it does, not prove itself more worthy of the un- 
bounded love I bear it. 

If however in this my historic production — the 
scanty fruit of a long and laborious life — I have 
failed to gratify the dainty palate of the age, I can 
only lament my misfortune — for it is too late in 
the season for me even to hope to repair it. Al- 
ready has withering age showered his sterile snows 
upon my brow ; in a little while, and this genial 



5Q0 AND LAST WISH. 

warmth which still lingers around my heart, and 
throbs — worthy reader — throbs kindly towards 
thyself, will be chilled for ever. Haply this frail 
compound of dust, which while alive may have 
given birth to naught but unprofitable weeds, may 
form a humble sod of the valley, from whence may 
spring many a sweet wild flower, to adorn my bcr 
love4 island of Manna-hata ! 



FINIS. 



LONDON : 

ralNTEU BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHlTEf UJ AR*-. 



